Here's a quick thing I wrote this morning, It's the first time I've written stand up/monologue type material so feedback would be appreciated.
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I think that Jesus was an idiot, let me explain.
He once went to a stoning of a woman accused of adultery and uttered the now famous words "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone". The crowd realised that none of them were blameless and so they couldn't condemn this woman to death for her little indiscretion. This is all very good,
Now, a clever man would have remembered this and when laid out on the cross with a Roman soldier poised over him ready to bang in the first nail and said "let he who is without sin bang in the first nail". The Roman soldier would have paused, thought about this and then said, "Okay sonny, on your way but don't do it again".
Jesus would have been on his way and, he would have gone to the local pub, where the disciples would be sitting in a sombre mood. He would have sat down, ordered a whisky and lit a big fat cigar. These were the days before the smoking ban came into force remember. I think that Pontious Pilate bought that law in a couple of years later. The disciples would have been amazed and clapped and cheered, as he relayed the story of his escape, and how thick the Romans were.
Judas who had been sitting quietly in the corner, trying not to draw attention to himself would eventually pluck up the courage to say "So Jesus we're cool now right?". Jesus would look at him sternly, but Judas would give him those puppy dog eyes for which he's so famous. And Jesus would say "Yeah I suppose so". Judas then says, "I've put 10 pieces of silver behind the bar, so drinks are on me tonight". One of the other disciples would ask what happened to the other 20 pieces and Judas would mumble something about expenses, to much derision from the other 11 disciples.
Jesus would admonish the disciples for this, but he knew in his heart that Judas really was a tight-arse, he must remember to take him aside and try to explain the thing about camels and eyes of needles one more time. Jesus would remember how Judas always buy him a combined Christmas and birthday present each year. Jesus knew that Judas always bought the presents last minute from the 24 hour donkey feed merchant on the corner. Last year all he got was a Ginster's Cornish pasty.
But I digress, none of this happened because Jesus was not quick witted enough to remember the old "He who is without sin" line. To be fair, I suppose he was under a lot of stress at the time.
So, I often wonder if Jesus thought of this idea later while he was on the cross and did a massive facepalm.
Okay so he couldn't exactly facepalm, in his position but he would definitely be kicking himself.
Okay so he couldn't do that either with his feet nailed together, but you're not supposed to take any of this stuff literally.
