TLC (rewrite)

Hello Everyone,

Some months ago I posted my script and after some really helpful advice on here (thanks to you all) I've had another look at it and - well, I hope so anyway - improved it. I didn't see a sticky on posting rewrites so I'm hoping it's all right for me to post it here.

Thanks in advance for any thoughts and/or criticisms.

Cheers,

Toby

INT. RECEPTION AREA - MORNING
GAIL and ALI are sitting behind the reception desk alongside their colleague, MELISSA (late 20s, skinny, very pale, dressed entirely in black). MELISSA and GAIL are staring at their computer screens while ALI is on the telephone.
ALI
(strained smile)
All right, then. Yep, that's fine. Ok, bye.
(slams down phone)
Wankmeister!
MELISSA AND GAIL ARE STARTLED AND TURN TOWARDS ALI.
GAIL
What's the matter, not another cancellation?
ALI
(sigh)
Yeah, that's it, the last one. So it's a big-arsed no-no to the go-go dance class. Buggeration. Worked so hard on the choreography, too.
MELISSA
I know, I saw in the studio...it's amazing. You really move so well.
(deep blush)
GAIL
(consoling)
Oooh, babes. Never mind. You've still got the Bums, Tums and Single Mums group, right? Just reschedule the other one to the school holidays.
ALI
Yeah, I suppose you're right.
(disappointed)
GAIL
Ahhh.
(affectionately rubs ALI'S arm)
God, I just realised I'm absolutely Hank Marvin - how long to lunch?
(glances at clock on wall)
I've got that rusty coin taste, I'm so hungry. Cor...
(leans back, narrows eyes and stares dreamily at ceiling)
I could murder griddled tuna with olive and pancetta and a balsamic and basil dressing. And a diet Coke.
(smacks lips and shakes head)
MELISSA
I've got half a Hob Nob if you fancy it? Sorry but I picked the chocolate chips out.
(sheepishly)
GAIL
Yeah, go on then, ta...
(reaches out and takes biscuit)
Oh, here we go, the TLC rut begins...
(chomping on biscuit)
DWAYNE COMES SKIPPING DOWN THE STAIRS AND APPROACHES THE RECEPTION DESK. MELISSA TURNS FIXEDLY TOWARDS HER COMPUTER SCREEN AND SCOWLS.
DWAYNE
'Ello, ladies. Mel.
(grin)
GAIL
Hello, muscles.
ALI
All right, Dwayne.
MELISSA REMAINS STEADFASTLY GLUED TO HER MONITOR AND DOESN'T LOOK UP.
GAIL
(rubbing crumbs from hands)
Right, so what's it today, then? Her knickers off?
(gestures to Ali)
Or hers in a twist?
(gestures to Mel)
ALI
(tuts)
Gail!
GAIL
What!? Well it's true! The only time we ever see him down here is when he's trying it on with you or winding her up.
DWAYNE
Nah, it's the other way round today.
(leers and winks at MELISSA)
GAIL
(leaning over towards MELISSA)
Your lucky day, Mel!
MELISSA PRETENDS TO PUKE IN THE WASTE PAPER BIN.
GAIL (CONT'D)
(frowning intently at Dwayne)
Dwayne, have you been tanning?
DWAYNE
(embarrassed, flustered)
Sorry? You what?
ALI
Dwayne, you have and you're going even redder!
THE WOMEN LAUGH; MELISSA GRINS WITH SATISFACTION AT DWAYNE'S DISCOMFITURE.
DWAYNE
Nah, nah. Ah, I know what it is. Yeah, I took my mum to a tanning salon last night - birthday treat for her, and that. Anyway, turned out it was buy one get one free.
ALI
Buy what?
DWAYNE
Er...a pack of Shreddies. A tan, babe.
(slight pause while this sinks in)
So anyway, I couldn't be arsed with it but instead of just hanging around waiting I thought I might as well. Never been before.
GAIL
(laughing)
No and you probably won't go again after that!
DWAYNE
No, it's actually a really good tan, it just...
MELISSA
Looks like napalmed egg yolk at the moment!
(wide smile)
DWAYNE FLASHES A FURIOUS GLANCE AT MELISSA WHO BEAMS BACK AT HIM INNOCENTLY.
ALI
It'll settle down. It's just a bit...
GAIL
Scorched?
DWAYNE
No, it's fine. It just looks a bit burnt because I put on some stuff...what do you call it, tanning lotion or something. Barbados Brown. I think.
MELISSA
More like Tropicana Orange from where I'm sitting.
DWAYNE
(angry, defensive)
Well look at you, when was the last time you saw daylight, you f...
(stops, collects himself)
GAIL AND ALI LOOK EMBARRASSED AND TURN TO THEIR SCREENS. MELISSA NARROWS HER EYES.
DWAYNE (CONT'D)
What's that?
(glancing at ALI's right arm)
ALI FOLLOWS DWAYNE'S GLANCE AND IMMEDIATELY REDDENS.
ALI
Oh it's just a mole, Jesus!
(quickly picks up watch and puts it on)
DWAYNE
(revolted expression)
Mole? More like a bear! That is minging!
ALI
Oh, f**k off Dwayne!
(gets up and storms off)
MELISSA
You're just....urrrggh!
MELISSA GETS UP AND GOES AFTER ALI. AS SHE SETS OFF TWO WOMEN - IDENTICAL TWINS - ENTER THE BUILDING AND APPROACH THE DESK. DWAYNE SKULKS OFF.
GAIL
(big smile)
Hello, good afternoon! Trackside Backside with Leigh or Hump the Rump at 12:30?
TWINS
(in unison)
Just badminton, thanks.

Hard to follow bud as the dialogue is to in- house if you know what I mean. I know you understand every nuance but for readers outside your mindset you need to be more comprehensive in your expressions if that makes sense?

or me it was coming across as a basic bitch fest that utilsied too many cliches.

I know this because I have made the same mistake loads of times as I presume that everyone understand all scouse words and presume people are seeing the same mental picture as I am, often it's not the case.

Also you're not leaving any room for the actor to think or create so it makes it a bit anal retentive and that's not me being offensive or brutal I'm just offering my view.

And as others have noted it doesn't appear to have a definite direction, sorry Toby but it is an honest answer but not a forlorn one, you have the desire and you apply yourself so it's a advice about adjusting not about stopping .

Hi Toby,

What's the purpose of this scene? There isn't much happening and there is no real tension between the characters. It's the kind of chit chat you get in workplaces up and down the country - without the exaggeration of sitcom.

I would work out what your 'pivot' is in the scene - what happens to throw the action in another direction. Does someone come in? Somebody discover something important?

I did like some of your dialogue though.

There's no plot, Toby - think of a plot and use the dialogue to move it along.

just to echo what people have said really...

thought a lot of the dialogue was very good but as I have been advised many times for my own work, there needs to be a clear direction for the audience to follow - you have a good starting point though

Thanks a lot for all your replies; much appreciated. I should have mentioned that the scene isn't the opener, it's about half way through the script - I'll post the first scene now. Again, thanks so much for taking the trouble to have a look at it.

Toby

INT MEETING ROOM - MORNING
It's early morning at Tidal Leisure Centre and the staff have arrived for a meeting. Some, however, have not, the empty chairs around the table testament to tardiness. There's a soporific, subdued buzz of conversation as people talk amongst themselves and slump in their chairs. GEOFF, the general manager, early 40s, immaculately dressed, carefully concealed bald patch, sits at the table closest to the door, impatiently waiting to get the proceedings underway. Beside him sits GRAHAM, mid 50s, overweight, jowly and bald. GRAHAM is leaning towards GEOFF conspiratorially - GEOFF is clearly uncomfortable at the close proximity.
GEOFF
(fidgety)
Right, well, obviously you'll be missed...
GRAHAM
(interrupts, decisive downward chop of the hand)
Can't take any chances Geoff, not where the undercarriage is concerned
(gestures towards crotch with a wave, whistles quickly)
No, it's just a question of when the medical practitioners see fit...
(hand on GEOFF's shoulder)
Ha-ha, see fit, not a bad turn of phrase for an establishment like this...
GEOFF TRIES HIS BEST TO AVERT HIS EYES FROM THE INSPISSATED SALIVA STRUNG BETWEEN GRAHAM'S LIPS.
GEOFF
(faux enthusiasm)
No, it's...really good, Graham...
(glancing over his shoulder at the door despairingly)
GRAHAM
No, so, like I say, could be any time. And not a word to the troops if you don't mind, Geoff. Wouldn't want them to launch a coup or something. Tiananmen Square and all that.
GEOFF
(frowning, momentarily stumped by GRAHAM's metaphor)
Er...yeah, perhaps you could just...
GRAHAM
(expansive gesture)
Recovery? Well, that's another story, Jackanory. Not quite as long as when I had that fungal infection. Six weeks that took. Never forget that smell, I was at Tesco last week and...
GEOFF
Right...let's...
(agitated, looks at watch, shifts impatiently in chair)

THE DOOR OPENS BEHIND GEOFF AND TOM - MID 30S, AVERAGE HEIGHT - RATHER SHEEPISHLY ENTERS THE ROOM.
ALI (LATE TEENS, BLONDE, VERY PRETTY, SITTING MIDWAY DOWN THE TABLE)
Hiya Tom!
(bright smile)
TOM
(surprised, slightly embarrassed)
All right, Ali.
DWAYNE - HEAVILY-MUSCLED, SHAVEN-HEADED, TATTOOED 30-YEAR-OLD - BRIDLES AND STRAIGHTENS IN HIS CHAIR, HIS EYES FLITTING SUSPICIOUSLY BETWEEN ALI AND TOM.
TOM (CONT'D)
Really sorry I'm late Geoff, got a bit held up.
GEOFF
(beaming, relieved to have interrupted GRAHAM in full flow)
That's ok, come in, we'll get started. Traffic bad, is it?
(semi-hopeful, glances at the empty chairs)
TOM
Er...I walked down but it seemed all right.
TOM TAKES A SEAT NEXT TO ALI - THE TWO EXCHANGE SMILES - OPPOSITE THE SCOWLING DWAYNE WHOM TOM IGNORES.
GEOFF
OK then, we'll crack on. So, thanks for coming every...
GEOFF TAILS OFF, NOTICING THAT EVERYONE'S STILL CHATTING.
GEOFF (CONT'D)
Ok, guys. Guys! GUYS!
SLOWLY, RELUCTANTLY, HEADS TURN TOWARDS GEOFF AND THE HUBBUB SUBSIDES
Sorry but we've really got to get started. Pushed for time. Right. Anyway, the reason we're all
(glancing around the room)
...well those of us who could make it...here a bit early. As I'm sure you all know - and I'm aware that this has hit the reception crew the hardest -
(apologetic, conciliatory gesture towards ALI and her fellow receptionist, GAIL, who exchange resigned frowns)
we're now unable to refund customers' parking fees. Yep - a bit of a blow, and I know some of you are getting a lot of flak from...
(pauses, trying to find appropriate word)
ALI
Annoying twats?
(stony-faced)
GEOFF
(placatory hand movement)
Well, no...twats...bit harsh, Ali. Disgruntled customers. Our disgruntled twats. Customers. And in many cases, it's understandable. But the letters have gone out and...yeah, it's done, the council made the decision. But every cloud...
GRAHAM
(interrupting)
Is white. True.
(nods knowingly, folds arms)
GEOFF
(annoyed, sharp glance at GRAHAM)
Can I just...? Anyway the good news is that the council has agreed to fund a wholesale revamp of TLC. Not before time, eh? No, as you're all aware it's been on the cards for a while, something we've been really driving forward over the last few years, but now we're all set, so...yep, brilliant! And this is across the board, all departments will benefit. So guys, yeah, in your teams, individually, think through how we can, how you can, you know, make this place even better. I want us all to be a part...yes Gail?
GAIL (MID 40S, PLUMP, SITTING NEXT TO ALI)
(hand in the air)
Ergonomic chairs. I'm forever getting a stiff neck from turning to deal with customers while typing at the keyboard. And then the phone rings...
(tuts, shakes head)
CHERYL (40, SCRAWNY, SHORT-HAIRED, TOUGH-LOOKING)
Ahh, bless.
(voice drenched in sarcasm)
Shouldn't spend all day on your cut grass then.

GAIL
(smarting)
Er, we work in reception? On computers, phones...dealing with members of the public? Yeah? Whereas I think I'm right in saying are a scrubber. A good one mind, but a scrubber.
CHERYL GLARES AT GAIL AND SITS FORWARD IN HER CHAIR MENACINGLY. GAIL RETURNS THE STARE WITH AN AIR OF BORED INSOUCIANCE.
GEOFF
Guys, could we veer back towards...?
(hand gesture as if moving a box from one place to another)
Anyway...ideas, thoughts, suggestions. And sod the postcards, save on stamps, just come and tell me.
(smiles)
GRAHAM
(raising hand)
One word for you. Super-sopper.
GAIL
That's two words.
GRAHAM
(smug smile)
Ah, no. That's where you're wrong. It's actually one word, just with a dash thingy bob, a...hymen...
GEOFF
(raised eyebrows)
Hyphen. It's a hyphen. Anyway, briefly please, really briefly, Graham...
GRAHAM
Yes, thank you Geoff. A super-sopper would be the answer to our prayers, Hannah from heaven. The urine stains in the ladies' toilets are atrocious, there's no shifting them. My team will agree with me, yes?
GRAHAM RECEIVES RELUCTANT, RATHER EMBARRASSED NODS FROM CHERYL, TOM AND A COUPLE OF OTHERS ROUND THE TABLE.
DWAYNE
(face contorted with revulsion)
Minging!
GEOFF
Good idea, Graham, and thanks for the erm...yes, good. So how about...
GEOFF'S MOBILE EMITS AN INSISTENT BUZZ. HE FUMBLES FRANTICALLY FOR IT IN HIS POCKET.
Ah...right, well...yeah. Nope.
(reading text)
So...yeah, we're going to have to call time on this for the moment, I've got things to...
(abrupt, eager to leave)
We'll...reconvene in a week and see where we're at. So, um...yep, thanks for coming.
GEOFF GETS UP AND LEAVES THE ROOM WHILE THE OTHERS YAWN, STRETCH AND SLOWLY ROUSE THEMSELVES