Hi guys,
I'm new to this website and this forum and I was hoping to get a bit of critique on a sitcom I have been working on for about the past 10 months. I started work on it in September last year in my spare time and and sort of drifted away from it after Christmas but I picked it up in February again and went from there. It is about 4 Security guards who all work in a shopping centre, I know that this is strikingly similar to the show written by Caroline Aherne and Jeff Pope that aired on ITV a while back but whatever you thought about that particular show I was not influenced by it in anyway I assure you.
So enough background, this is basically what I would hope would be the first 2 scenes from the pilot episode - Death in the Family. If anyone likes it and would like to see more I will post the whole episode. I have 3 episodes more or less finished at the minute.
Cheers
Gerard
SCENE A
EXT. BILLYS HOUSE - DAY
CAMERA PANS ROUND TO A MODEST TERRACED HOUSE. THERE ARE LOTS OF CARS PARKED OUTSIDE AND THERE IS A BLACK BOW ON THE DOOR. IT IS A WAKE HOUSE.
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
(BRENDAN, GARETH, PETER, JOE)
OLD MEN AND WOMEN CROWD INTO A SMALL LIVING ROOM. ONE WOMAN GOES AROUND OFFERING TEA AND COFFEE. FOUR MEN STAND SIDE BY SIDE AT THE COFFIN. THEY ARE WORK COLLEAGUES OF THE DECEASED, BILLY.
PETER:
Its weird isn't it? Seeing
him lying there. He doesn't
look like himself at all does he?
GARETH:
Who does he look like?
PETER:
It's just not how I remember him.
GARETH:
Well I wouldn't like to think
you'd remember him laying flat
on his back with his eyes closed!
JOE:
I heard they were a bit strapped
for cash with the funeral costs
and everything and they got one
of his nieces to do the make up.
She works on the make up counter
at Boots.
SHOT OF BILLY IN THE COFFIN. HIS MAKE UP IS A BIT OVER THE TOP
GARETH:
More like the make up counter at
Tom Duffys Circus...
PETER:
It is a bit much isn't it?
GARETH:
A bit?
JOE:
I wonder why they put make up on dead bodies. Who are you getting made up for? And he's being cremated too. Its not even as if anyone's gonna see him again.
BRENDAN STARES AT JOE, SHAKING HIS HEAD DISAPPROVINGLY
WOMAN:
Alright lads, can I get you'se a
cuppa tea? Coffee? Lemonade? Some sandwiches? Theres plenty there and it'll all go to waste if you don't have some.
MEN (in unison):
No thanks.
WOMAN:
How did you know him?
JOE:
Who? Billy?
GARETH:
No, she means the man in the moon! Of course, Billy! (TO THE WOMAN) Sorry, he's a bit slow, we worked with him.
WOMAN:
Oh! You're all security guards?
GARETH:
Yeah, you could say that. Are you his daughter?
WOMAN:
Sorry, where are my manners?
I'm JULIE, I'm Billy's niece.
JULIE EXTENDS HER HAND TO GARETH
GARETH:
I'm GARETH and this is BRENDAN,
JOE and PETER. Nice to meet you too.
JULIE:
Thanks for coming today, he loved
that job. It's all he talked about.
JOE:
Really (?!). He was forever
complaining in work, said he couldn't wait to retire. Poor sod, er, I mean.
JULIE: (Laughing)
Its OK I know what you mean. Yeah
that was my Uncle Billy. Always
complaining about one thing or
another.
THEY ALL LOOK AT EACH OTHER, GESTURING FOR SOMETHING TO BREAK THE TENSION
GARETH:
You're the make up artist then...
JULIE:
No not me, my daughter BERNADETTE. She done a really good job didn't
she? Thats the best ive seen Uncle Billy looking in a while.
GARETHCHANGING THE SUBJECT)
So er, heart attack, terrible way
to go isn't it?
JULIE:
Well, we all have to go sometime
don't we? Ill leave you in peace lads, if you need anything ill be in the kitchen.
GARETH:
OK thanks.
JULIE EXITS
GARETH:
Was it something I said?
BRENDAN:
Well you could have been a bit more tactful given the situation...
GARETH:
Tactful!?
BRENDAN:
Yes, tactful. She knows how Billy died, she doesn't need you reminding her.
GARETH:
I just meant that a heart attack is bad enough but to have one while chasing two shoplifters through a shopping centre is not how I would
choose to go!
JOE:
I dunno, suppose ive never really thought of it, how id choose to die, and they said he was dead before he hit the ground.
GARETH (sarcastically):
Well, that's comforting.
PETER:
Are we really having this conversation? Is this really the place to be discussing death and preferred methods of dying?
JOE:
Well it is a wake, theres a DEAD body right here, and these old codgers we're surrounded by aren't exactly spring chickens are they?
GARETH):
(Laughing) Yeah and I think I seen a guy walking in there with a black hooded robe on, carrying a scythe in one hand and a plate of sandwiches in the other!
JOE:
Here lads,that's the best shes seen him looking in a while?
GARETH:
I know. He looks like a Dulux paint chart. In fact his cheeks are the same colour my ma wanted to get her bathroom done in.
BRENDAN:
Have some respect!
PETER:
What was all that, 'its all he ever talked about', business?
GARETH:
Yeah, bit of a strange one that.
BRENDAN:
Maybe he just didn't tell us, I know if I liked my job I wouldn't go around telling anyone.
GARETH:
Suppose that's true, it's far better keeping that sort of information to yourself. It could be used against you in some way!
JOE:
You know its times like
this that really make you think.
GARETH:
About what?
JOE:
Life, death, you know, the big picture.
It makes you stop and think 'who is in control'?
PETER:
In control of what!?
JOE:
Your life and the world around you? Do you control your own life?
PETER:
Yeah.
JOE:
Really though?
GARETH:
Slow down Sigmund FRAUD! You're scaring some of the senior citizens.
PETER:
Yeah mate, less of the pseudo-psychiatric bullshit. It's not the time or the place.
GARETH:
It's never the time or the place for any of that.
JOE:
Sorry for opening my mouth.
PETER:
So what do we do here? Do we pray or what?
BRENDAN:
Well grieving can be a very personal thing, and prayer can help with that process.
GARETH:
Well, I'm gonna say a quick Hail Mary, get a sandwich or 2 and get out of here.
BRENDAN:
A 'quick' Hail Mary?! I didn't think you were religious. Im surprised you know the words.
GARETH:
Im not and I don't. But when in Rome...
BRENDAN:
You don't know the words? So how do
you say a Hail Mary?
GARETH:
Well I know the tune so I just hum and move my lips a bit.
BRENDAN:
The tune!?
GARETH:
Yeah, mumbling the tunes of prayers has got me through many a mass in my day.
GARETH (bows his head):
Hail Mary full of ... (mumble)
GARETH MUMBLES HIS WAY THROUGH WHAT SOUNDS LIKE A HAIL MARY
PETER:
Ive seen it all now.
BRENDAN:
Unbelievable.
BRENDAN, JOE AND PETER LOOK ON. BRENDAN SHAKES HIS HEAD DISAPPROVINGLY.
GARETH:
Amen. And that's how you do it boys!
GARETH PATS BRENDAN ON THE BACK AND WALKS OUT AND INTO THE KITCHEN
SCENE TWO
INT: KITCHEN
GARETH WORKS HIS WAY ROUND THE COUNTER FILLING A PLATE WITH SANDWICHES ETC. A WOMAN WALKS UP TO HIM.
WOMAN:
Hi there.
GARETH: (Startled)
Oh hi, you scared me there!
Can I help you?
WOMAN:
I'm sure you can.
GARETH:
Er, ok. I'm GARETH; I work w...sorry, worked with Billy.
WOMAN:
Ah, I'm BERNADETTE. Billy was my
'great' uncle.
GARETH:
Ah, the make up artist. We were just admiring your handy work there, good job on the old war paint...
WOMAN:
Do I detect a hint of sarcasm there?
GARETH:
No, no honestly.
BERNADETTE:
Serves him right the oul b*stard,
I never liked him.
GARETH:
You mean you done that on purpose!?
I'm actually relieved and slightly
impressed. How no one has noticed that is beyond me though.
BERNADETTE:
Na, all these old f**kers won't
notice. Look let's cut the bullshit, Ive been watching you since you came in, do you fancy going somewhere a
little more, private?
GARETHChokes on his sandwich)
What?
BERNADETTE:
Let's go upstairs.
GARETH:
Seriously?
BERNADETTE:
Yeah, everyone stays downstairs at
wake, everyone knows that.
GARETH:
I dunno, I'm here with 3 of my mates.
BERNADETTE:
They're big boys, they don't need you holding their hands...ill be waiting...
BERNADETTE WALKS OUT OF THE KITCHEN AND STARTS UP THE STAIRS
GARETH LOOKS INTO THE LIVING ROOM AND THEN LOOKS TOWARDS THE STAIRS.
GARETH: (Internally)
Come on GARETH! What do I do!? WHAT DO I DO?! Go in there and get the balls bored off me, or go up there and get the balls, well, this is a no brainer...
GARETH QUIETLY WALKS DOWN THE HALLWAY AND MAKES HIS WAY UPSTAIRS
GARETH: (QUIETLY)
Bernadette! Where are ye!?
AN ARM COMES OUT AND GRABS GARETH INTO THE ROOM
INT LIVING ROOM
JOE, BRENDAN, PETER ARE IN DEEP CONVERSATION WITH AND OLD MAN AND WOMAN ABOUT BILLY WHEN SUDDENLY THE MAN LETS OUT A HUGE FART. THEY ALL STAND HORRIFIED IN THE MOST AWKWARD SILENCE IMAGINABLE
OLD MAN:
Oh Jesus, I forgot to take my tablets this morning.
OLD WOMAN:
You silly old fool; you know what
happens when you forget to take
your tablets! Well, I am not
cleaning you this time!
ALL 3 TURN AWAY IN DISGUST, BUT STILL LAUGHING
JOE:
And on that 'bum' note I'm off.
Can one of you give me a lift?
BRENDAN:
Gladly, where are you going?
JOE:
Just up to my Ma's.
JOE, PETER and BRENDAN MAKE THEIR WAY OUT OF THE HOUSEE INTO THE FRONT GARDEN
BRENDAN:
Hold on, where's GARETH?
PETER:
Knowing GARETH he probably slipped
out and went home.
JUST AS BRENDAN ASKS, GARETH COMES WALKING OUT OF THE HOUSE
GARETH:
Lets go...
PETER:
Where did you get to?
BERNADETTE COMES TO THE WINDOW; SHE SEEMS TO BE BUTTONING HER TOP BUTTONS
BERNADETTE:
GARETH! Ill see you tomorrow...
GARETH:
Yeah, sure. (Under his breath) Not bloody likely.
BRENDAN:
What did you do?!
GARETH:
You know JULIEs daughter, the
make up artist?
BRENDAN, PETER, JOE: (In unison)
Yeah.
GARETH:
Her.
JOE AND PETER BURST OUT LAUGHING. BRENDAN LOOKS HORRIFIED.
PETER:
You are mental! You're going to hell man.
GARETH:
Yeah maybe, but think about it, would you rather go to hell with me or go to heaven with BRENDAN?
BRENDAN:
Can't you see how sick this is? A man is lying dead no more than 20 feet away and you're doing that, in his house! This is a new low for you GARETH.
GARETH:
Wind your neck in. Its not like Billy would have minded is it? He's not using the bed anymore.
BRENDAN:
You're despicable.
JOE:
His bed? I dunno man; no good can come of this.
GARETH:
Not you as well! Look im not an expert on curses but im pretty sure there isn't one for getting your end away on a dead mans bed! And listen, she's his niece and she didn't seem to mind...
BRENDAN:
I'm appalled.
PETER:
OK, let's change the subject here. Before BRENDAN passes out. Are any of you going to ask about funeral arrangements?
GARETH:
No, im not going. Why should I go? Its at 10:30 in the morning, my shift doesn't start until 12 so ill be having a bit of a lie in.
BRENDAN:
Why not? Billy was a good man, not to mention a good friend to all of us as well, and we all should make an effort.
GARETH:
A good friend? He was a work colleague.
BRENDAN:
Friend, colleague, associate, you know what I mean!
GARETH:
BRENDAN, I'm not going and that's that.
BRENDAN:
The Major is expecting us all to be there.
GARETH:
Yeah, so what? He's not going to know whether ive been there or not. Unless some big mouth rats on me!
JOE:
GARETH you kind of do have to go. Apart from anything else you did just desecrate his bed!
GARETH:
Whose side are you on, JOE?
JOE:
Im not taking sides, I just think you should go. Pay your last respects. It'll only be a half hour tops. What's a half hour to you?
GARETH:
Ah for feck sake. Alright then. But you'se owe me one!
JOE:
We owe you one?
PETER:
Yeah, think of it as a way of apologising to Billy!
GARETH:
Apologising?!
JOE:
Yeah, after what you just done I'd say he'd be rolling in his grave, you know, if he had one.