Self Defence

We see a Tribunal Scenario

Three Judges walk in and take their seats

A Bearded Lady is on the right, A Ring Master is in the Centre, and a Circus Strongman is on the left.

In front of the tribunal are a clown and a man dressed in a grey flannel suit wearing a massive grey hat, both stand solemnly to their feet as the judges enter

In front of the man and the clown is a table containing sheets of paper and a carafe of water with a glass.

The judges take their seats and the Ring Master clears his throat as he speaks

RING MASTER
It is the tribunals considered opinion that whilst it is clear that you have an outstanding ability to recite information; your show is no more than that of a memory act, which whilst being hugely entertaining has shown us nothing that leads us to believe you have the right to call yourself the 'Incredible Mr Elephant'

The clown then nods to the man in the grey suit, who pours a glass of water from the carafe on the table and unzips his trousers. He then places his penis into the glass of water and holds his nose tightly and as his face goes red the water in the glass is sucked up.

The three judges start clapping and we hear clown honks

It doesn't really make sense, Teddy. Why would he keep the cock sucking, if you will, ability a secret and present himself as a memory act? I can't comprehend his motivation or see how it fits with any logic in the sketch. The dialogue was nice though.

I bow to your knowledge on cocksucking Ben but you obviously don't swallow as most of my stuff goes over your head

Is the memory reference regarding 'an elephant never forgets'? I feel there needs to be something else to made it a little clearer and bridge the context, again with you Teddy lovely descriptive dialogue and I could see this working as a cartoon or real sketch.

Just a whim really Shan and admittedly if you don't associate Elephants with long memories pretty quickly then the thing falls flat.

Quote: Teddy Paddalack @ June 23 2013, 5:42 PM BST

I bow to your knowledge on cocksucking Ben

View original

That retort doesn't really make sense, Teddy. It's just indicative of your childish inability to take criticism.

I got the idea. and it worked ok.
But If I were you I'd try to avoid the sort of reply you gave to Ben.
It's the kind of thing that would put people off critiquing your work at all.
No one has to give you feedback, so at least try to appreciate the fact that they took the time, if nothing else.

I really liked the idea - very strong visuals and a very funny image of a 'circus court' but it is a difficult story to comprehend I think - having said that if it is just a whimsical sketch the story shouldn't be under that much scrutiny as long as the gag is good - this is probably one that you would have to produce before you actually discovered whether it worked or not

Sunshine I've never had a cross word with you and I know that Ben is your mate, but you should look before you leap because you've got this one very wrong.

Taken as a single entity your reply would be spot on, but viewed over a greater period my response is not that bad.

I don't mind getting panned, if I did I wouldn't posts so many sketches in critique.

I just know when someone is permanently on my case and I act on it, I think the medical term is 'Having A Spine'

Ben never fails to slam everything I put up unless it has already received a favorable response before he's seen it and if that's the case he ignores the post.

I come on to write comedy and I don't know how you handle someone like that? But my view is that you can pan my stuff all day if it warrants it.

But speaking as a man, my stance is that if you make a point of singling me out with bogus often asinine comments then I will respond, I'm only human.

I only came on with the intention of having a bit of fun and have no intention of getting dragged into an argument.

So I'll leave it at that, I was going to blank it completely but I'm sick of being portrayed as the baddie.

You should try dealing with someone who goes out of their way to slam EVERY SINGLE FUCKING THING YOU DO. If anyone takes the time to look they'll see I am no nark I'm just a comedy writer who has had enough of being panned by a nonentity.

Meanwhile I leave you to it as once again I have been forced to defend myself and in doing so have given even more brick bats to those on these board that don't like me.

It wasn't a personal thing Teddy
But my advice, and it's only my opinion, is to respond to the criticism & not the person.
Other people reading may not know about any perceived beef if there is one, and could be put off from giving you genuine critique in case they get a rather spiky reply.

I agree Steven but what can I do?
I have someone on my back who I have already made clear to that we don't gel and would both benefit from ignoring each others posts(I have the same deal with Sooty and it works)

I only came on today to do a few sketches in order to get my mojo going, the sketch wasn't great I know that and if someone throws up a better line I often edit the sketch and include it.

Some don't like my stuff and pan it, but I am well aware that comedy is subjective so I suck it up and crack on.

I may not posses middle class sensibilities but I'm still a good person and I have tried my very best not to flip at times, but when someone is on your case it gets to you in the end, or it does to me.

So I'm sorry if I have offended anyone and I appreciate critiques, I just thought it better to speak my mind

Hi Teddy,
I get it, but the biggest problem is how you would make this - short of it being broadcast on an adult platform, I can't see this going out on TV...

I agree Pete, most of my stuff would need massive editing anyway so the penis would be the first to go and merely the suggestion would remain, but for me it's an adult cartoon strip at best.

Quote: Ben @ June 23 2013, 5:37 PM BST

It doesn't really make sense, Teddy. Why would he keep the cock sucking, if you will, ability a secret and present himself as a memory act? I can't comprehend his motivation or see how it fits with any logic in the sketch. The dialogue was nice though.

View original

Without fanning the flames Teddy, you are being over sensitive here. Ben has acknowledged that your dialogue was nice (which it is) but merely states that it didn't make sense to him. For the record I didn't make sense of it either.

I have seen a great development in your writing over the past year but you are never going to get anywhere if you can't keep your emotions in check.

Thanks for the kind words about my writing and don't worry about flames son, there's no fire never has been.

As for my emotions they're fine Will all I did was stand up for myself, I got taught that the same week that I learned to do my laces.

As for getting anywhere, if I do, then it won't be because I am overly polite to detractors it will be because I'm funny or at least try to be.