Hi, I am writing a sitcom about Roadies.
This is currently the opening scene for my pilot. I was wondering how it stood up to an honest critique.
All thoughts welcome.
Thanks
Chad.
INT. BRIXTON ACADEMY - DAY
FADE IN:
The stage lies empty apart from a DRUM RISER sitting UPSTAGE CENTRE. Resting on top of it are three ROADIES dressed in CARGO SHORTS and DARK T-SHIRTS.
They are:
SOLLY, who lies in the middle of the riser, twiddling his TOURCH, lost in thought.
DENNY sits on the back corner, picking ELECTRICAL TAPE from the soles of his boots.
And PAUL who slumps on the front edge, his head never leaves his hands, his voice hung-over and hoarse.
SOLLY:
What about "Boob Snooker"?
DENNY:
How does that work?
SOLLY:
Exactly what it says on the tin.
PAUL:
What? They play with their boobs?
DENNY:
Where do they put the chalk?
DENNY GESTURES CHALKING HIS NIPPLES.
SOLLY:
Don't be a Peanut, It's normal snooker but they've all got their Bronski Beats out.
DENNY:
You mean like "Topless Darts"?
PAUL:
Winner.
ALL FALLS SILENT.
SOLLY:
Alright then, how about "Take the Clunge"?
DENNY:
No!
SOLLY:
Hold up, you don't know what it's about yet.
DENNY:
I know what you're gonna say and I don't want to hear it.
ALL FALLS SILENT.
PAUL:
What's "Take the Clunge"?
SOLLY:
Well, for five thousand pounds the lucky contestant has to be blindfolded and sat beneath one of those old bench style public toilets. Then, his girlfriend, a supermodel, his mom, and a post op transsexual all sit down inside and...
DENNY:
No, no way.
SOLLY:
What?
DENNY:
There is no way the BBC are gonna televise oral incest?
SOLLY:
Not the BBC maybe but ITV3 would. Get Jimmy Carr to host. It'd be massive.
DENNY:
Where, in the Fraggle wing at Rampton prison? No one in their right mind is gonna wanna watch the dickless chicks and a bunch of ropey tarts poking their tattered old moose hoofs thorough a hole in a plank of wood.
PAUL: (head still down)
I would.
DENNY: (angry)
You've been banging on for the last three hours. "How about a game show called 'Race Whores' an urban athletics for prostitutes".
SOLLY:
"Earn money on the track, not on your back." It's an entertaining way of getting vulnerable girls off the streets and into worthy occupations.
DENNY:
What about a water bottle attachment for the side of your bed?
SOLLY:
What's wrong with "The Bed Juicer"? That's a genius idea.
(infomercial voice)
"Never again will you have to leave the warmth and comfort of your bed to quench that midnight thirst. Just fill with a delicious beverage of your choosing and suckle away night or day. A tasty treat from the safety of a teat." It's brilliant.
DENNY:
It's bollocks. You made it out of a portable urinal with a rubber teat stuck on the top of it.
SOLLY:
It was only a prototype. The juicer's gonna be big man you wait. It works for anyone, fat and lazy, the bed ridden, alcoholics, cripples.
DENNY:
Oh yes, how could I forget about your "Paraplegic Pugulist". The crippled Ninja out for revenge.
PAUL:
A Crinja!
SOLLY:
"Way of the Draggin' Legs"
DENNY:
A crippled Ninja?
SOLLY:
"Draggin' Legs" is the tits Rasta.
(to Paul)
Some right nasty bastard with an Afro and a Purple jumpsuit kills his dog and snaps his spine over a friendly bet, and now he has to go around kicking ass in his customized wheelchair.
DENNY:
How? They could just sneak up behind him and tip his chair over.
PAUL:
Or hide upstairs.
DENNY:
You've been banging on about "How you're gonna make it" ever since I've known you and none of it has ever come to anything. Ever.
SOLLY:
Well at least I'm doing something to expand my horizons rather than just sitting around expanding my arse like you.
DENNY:
I don't need to span my horizons, I'm perfectly happy in my job as a musician giving joy to thousands all over the world just as you should be.
SOLLY:
You're not a musician. You tune guitars for a band that's about as fondly remembered as Robin Askwith, in front of audiences that smell of piss and lineament... F**k this noise man I'm done with it. Twenty years touring is enough for me. One more big tour under my belt and I'm off to make it in Hollywood as a director.
DENNY:
And what is your first Hollywood masterpiece to be prey tell? "Kosavo the musical?" or maybe "The life and times of Donny Osmond"?
SOLLY:
Ah, when you've loved and lost like Donny.
DENNY:
Give it up Solomon; it's never going to happen.
SOLLY:
We'll see.
DENNY:
No we won't see. That's the point. You couldn't direct traffic in a straight line down a one-way street. You haven't had one good idea. Not one. Ever. And I'm sick of listening to it.
SOLLY LOOKS HURT.
DENNY:
And where's this bastard truck?
PAUL BURPS SICK IN TO HIS MOUTH, CHEWS A LITTLE THEN SPITS.
SOLLY:
How about, "Hassle Hoff"?
DENNY SLUMPS SLIGHTLY BUT IS INTRIGUED.
DENNY: (sighs)
Go on.
SOLLY:
A hidden camera show wear David Hasselhoff gets slowly bullied over six weeks until he snaps.
PAUL: (sitting up)
Winner.
PAUL QUICKLY REGRETS HIS DECISION TO MOVE AND SINKS BACK INTO HIS HANDS WITH A GROAN.
DENNY: (shakes his head)
I'm gonna take a stoop.
DENNY EXITS STAGE LEFT.
PAUL:
Tell me more about "Take the Clunge".
SOLLY:
Well, do you remember, "Gash in the Attic"?
FADE OUT: