Hey everyone, been trying out an idea for a comedy radio serial called 'Secret Intelligence' about espionage in WW2.
The series follows Alfie Bradley, a somewhat unwilling participant of the war and he has been brought in to spy for britain because of his language skills and the fact his father was a noted hero of the Great War.
The pilot episode needs way more work but I thought I'd try and get some feedback on the second episode to see how people like the characters and pacing/stucture of it.
This episode follows his experiences in training for 'secret combat.' I'm currently at university and used this episode as part of my creative writing degree, so it would be cool to get a non-academic reading of it. The guy who reads my comedy scripts at uni is a bearded poet who, if presented with the roadrunner cartoons, would say something like "but why wouldn't the coyote just give up?"
I'm not asking people to read all twenty pages, but if you feel compelled to do so, that'd be swell. Just any advice and input - if it works visually in your mind or if it makes you chuckle. Thank you.
SECRET INTELLIGENCE
Episode 2: 'Pretty Odd Fish'
By
Sam Clunie
MUSIC: A PROUD WARTIME FANFARE.
SOUND: BIRDS TWEET & TREES RUSTLE IN THE WIND.
NARRATOR:
Hidden among the trees, amidst the New Forest is
Beaulieu Estate. In these extensive private grounds is
a school. However, it is a place with highly unique
intentions - an institution where the curriculum
consists of clandestine trade crafts, taught by an
assorted faculty, ranging from war veterans, game
hunters, intellectuals and a Frenchman. Their goal is
to shape and train the men and women they deem capable
of ungentlemanly warfare.
SOUND: TRAIN WHISTLE - THE CHUGGING OF WHEELS AND STEAM.
NARRATOR:
Alfie Bradley - the young man with a backbone as firm
as his buttocks and a heart of unremitting moxie is
just one they deem capable. He is on his way to the
estate by train.
SOUND: CARRIAGE AMBIENCE - CONDUCTOR'S WHISTLE
CONDUCTOR:
Brockenhurst!
ALFIE:
Ah, that's me.
CONDUCTOR:
Please exit in an orderly fashion!
SOUND: PEOPLE RUSHING IN A DISORDERLY FASHION.
ALFIE:
Excuse me...sorry...thank you...pardon me.
SOUND: PLATFORM AMBIENCE
(THE MALE VOICE IS TO BE MONOTONE AND SPOKEN
QUICKLY IN A STACCATO FASHION).
MALE VOICE:
Mr Bradley?
ALFIE:
Yes?
CONTINUED: 2.
MALE VOICE:
Come with me. I'm to take you to Beaulieu.
ALFIE:
Ah, excellent.
MALE VOICE :
Do you need a hand with your bags?
ALFIE:
In fact that would be gr...
MALE VOICE :
Too bad. I only drive. Come with me.
SOUND: FADE IN: THE HUM OF A CAR ENGINE - GLENN MILLER PLAYS
ON THE CAR RADIO.
ALFIE:
So erm...do you know what I'll be doing here then?
Things have been kept fairly hush hush.
MALE VOICE :
Sorry, I've been told to keep hush hush.
ALFIE:
I see.
SOUND: AMBIENCE (AWKWARD BEAT)
ALFIE:
All I know is, it's some kind of training school. What
does it entail?
MALE VOICE :
It's a school that entails training.
ALFIE:
This whole secrecy thing is exhausting.
MALE VOICE :
Pfff, weakling.
SOUND: GLENN MILLER IS INTERRUPTED.
(THE RADIO ANNOUNCER'S VOICE IS SERIOUS AND
MORBID).
RADIO ANNOUNCER:
We interrupt this morning's sweet-sounding proceedings
to bring you cold, harsh news. Luftwaffe air-raids
have left Manchester ravaged. Old Trafford has been
critically damaged. Yes, you heard correctly, the
CONTINUED: 3.
RADIO ANNOUNCER: (cont'd)
Germans are now bombing the football grounds. Many
people have been killed and many more injured. Balls have been lost.
ALFIE:
My God.
RADIO ANNOUNCER:
We plead to the men and women of the British Isles to
join in the war effort in any way they can.
RADIO MUSIC: OBSCENELY CHIRPY MUSIC WITH PIZZICATO STRINGS.
(THE ATTITUDE OF THE ANNOUNCER FLIPS INSTANTLY).
RADIO ANNOUNCER:
Pears soap! Allow the creamy lather to cleanse and
luxuriate. Sick of looking like a victim of war!? Then
buy Pears...
SOUND: RADIO CLICKS OFF.
MALE VOICE :
We're here.
SOUND: FOOT STEPS ON THE STONE DRIVEWAY - MEN MUMBLING IN
THE BACKGROUND.
MALE OFFICIAL:
Good morning, your name please?
ALFIE:
Bradley, Alfie Bradley.
MALE OFFICIAL:
Alfie Bradley.
SOUND: PEN SCRIBBLING.
MALE OFFICIAL:
Hang on, where have I heard that name before? You don't
happen to have a father named Nigel do you?
ALFIE:
I do indeed, yes.
MALE OFFICIAL:
He's not the one who killed all those Krauts with a can
opener?
ALFIE:
Well, that's not exactly how the story...
CONTINUED: 4.
MALE OFFICIAL:
...And I heard that one time when a German soldier shot
at him, he caught the bullet with his teeth, then spat
it back at him, nailing him right between the eyes.
ALFIE:
Well, no, I don't even think that's poss..
MALE OFFICIAL:
Yes, yes, I've heard many stories, it's an absolute
honour. Do come this way. I'll get you with your
group.
SOUND: FOOT STEPS ON THE GRAVEL - MUMBLING GETS LOUDER.
MALE OFFICIAL:
Here we are, I'll let you get to know each other. But
not too much please, that's a security risk.
RICHIE:
Allo', what's your name then?
ALFIE:
Alfie, and yours?
RICHIE:
The names Richie, squire.
MALE OFFICIAL:
Okay, that's enough, could you please follow me over to
the mess hall where you'll have a spot of lunch before
everything gets started.
RICHIE:
'ang about, he's barely shaken hands wiv all of us yet.
TONY:
Yeah, let us have a smoke first, will ya.
MALE OFFICIAL:
They'll be plenty of time to smoke when you're eating.
SOUND: THE AMBIENCE OF OUTSIDE FADES OUT.
NARRATOR:
It appears our man Alfie has arrived, and after a few
brief introductions is led to the mess hall of
Beaulieu.
SOUND: MEN CHATTER AND LAUGH - SPOONS SCRAPE AGAINST BOWLS
CONTINUED: 5.
NARRATOR:
The mess hall is large and elegant like the
grounds. Alfie is one of many men who have the
privilege to dine their. The men need to get there
strength up though, as the day ahead would be a strain
for even the most able-bodied of recruits. Alfie
however, is a different brand altogether, there are not
many people best suited for war the way he is.
ALFIE:
I don't think I'm suited for war.
RICHIE:
Of course you are, you're here aint ya?
TONY:
We've all got something, that's why we're here. This
is finishing school.
ALFIE:
Finishing school!?
RICHIE:
Well, yeah. We were over in Hertford for a couple 'a
weeks weren't we Tony?
TONY:
That's right, yeah. Learned how to pick locks.
ALFIE:
What? How can this be finishing school? I'm not on my
way to finishing, in fact, I haven't even started.
RICHIE:
Well er, what's your skill?
ALFIE:
Skill?
RICHIE:
Yeah. You see they brought me in 'ere because I'm good
with getting into places. I'm a robber. You wouldn't
believe the places I've got into. You know I reckon
I've been into every flat in the east end.
TONY:
You haven't been into mine.
RICHIE:
Chalk lane, flat eleven. You've got that horrible
floral wallpaper in your hallway.
CONTINUED: 6.
TONY:
(BEAT)
My God you're good.
RICHIE:
Told ya.
TONY:
So what's your skill, Alfie?
ALFIE:
I er, I speak French and German.
RICHIE:
Well there you go. You've got somethin' there. See if
we're ever sent overseas and I need to break into
somewhere, you can just talk your way in.
ALFIE:
Yeah, yeah, I guess you're right! That is a skill! And
a mighty useful one too! Hey, by the way, did you hear
that news on the radio today?
TONY:
Yeah, but how do we know that wasn't some phony
broadcast? I heard we do it over there in Germany to
demoralise the troops and the citizens.
RICHIE:
Rubbish, they think radio's going to brainwash us? That
reminds me, I really need to buy some pears soap.
TONY:
Sorry, have you seen what we're eating here? It looks
like gruel.
RICHIE:
Yeah.
SOUND: RICHIE SNIFFS.
RICH:
Smells like it too.
ALFIE:
Have a bit more faith lads, I'm sure it's a neatly
tailored provision with the perfect balance of
nutrients to provide us with the adequate sustenance
needed for the trials ahead.
SOUND: DINNER BELL.
CONTINUED: 7.
MALE OFFICIAL:
Gentlemen, hurry up and eat your gruel, it's time for
you all to start your instruction period!
MUSIC: MILITARY SNARE DRUM.
SOUND: OUTSIDE AMBIENCE (BIRDS TWEETING, ETC).
GOODRIDGE:
Right men, good afternoon, my name is Goodridge. As
you can see, I am a twice decorated brigadier and an
instructor at this here establishment. I am here to
educate you in the discreet combat skills required to
help win this war as quickly as possible. The skinny
but stern looking man with no medals besides me is
Phillips. He's my right hand man and ironically, left
handed. Isn't that right, Phillips?
PHILIPS:
N-no Sir I'm ambidextrous.
GOODRIDGE:
What's that? Some kind of religion?
PHILIPS:
No Sir, I'm competent with both hands.
GOODRIDGE:
Oh, then why have you let me crack that right hand man
joke for so long...oh whatever, are there any questions so far?
....yes you, the man in gardening clothes.
GARDENER:
Yes, I think I may have stumbled in here by
accident. I'm a gardener you see, and I...
GOODRIDGE:
A gardener!?....Okay okay. How much have you seen
here?
GARDENER:
W...well, I saw some men over there crawling on their
bellies and rolling around in the mud. Then over in
the far side of the grounds, men were making some sort
of explosive devices out of their own mustaches. It was
quite something. Ah yes, and then over there I saw...
GOODRIDGE:
Okay, that's enough. Philips!
PHILIPS:
Yes, sir?
CONTINUED: 8.
GOODRIDGE:
Take that gardener behind that tree over there. I
think he has some daisies to push up.
PHILIPS:
Yes sir. What's your name, gardener?
GARDENER:
Mr A. Gardener, sir.
PHILIPS:
I'm afraid you'll have to come with me for debriefing,
Mr Gardener.
GARDENER:
Right 'o!
SOUND: FOOTSTEPS WALK AWAY.
ALFIE:
Erm, excuse me sir.
GOODRIDGE:
Yes, the young man saying excuse me sir.
ALFIE:
Is that gentlemen going to be neutralized?
GOODRIDGE:
Neutralized!? Christ lad, of course not. We're not
animals. Just a simple debriefing will suffice.
SOUND: DISTANT GUNSHOT.
GOODRIDGE:
Now, sometimes we like to throw you in at the deep
end. As you can see there are targets straight ahead
of you. Now, who here has ever shot a gun before?
MALE RECRUIT #1:
I used to have a spud gun. Does that count?
GOODRIDGE:
No. No it doesn't. Anybody else?
MALE RECRUIT #2:
I shot one once...
GOODRIDGE:
Oh good, and...
CONTINUED: 9.
MALE RECRUIT #2:
But it was in a dream.
GOODRIDGE:
Oh.
MALE RECRUIT #2:
Does that count?
GOODRIDGE:
Well no, of course it doesn't. Does anyone have any
real life experience with guns, whatsoever?
ALFIE:
Well...I have.
GOODRIDGE:
Excellent, in what way?
ALFIE:
I've shot pheasants and other game before. But I
didn't really like it. You see, I'm not really into
guns and killing, sir.
GOODRIDGE:
Oh but my dear lad, negotiating with the Germans
is delicate business. They speak with guns and
knives. It's only polite that we learn to converse on
their level.
ALFIE:
Hmmm, I suppose.
GOODRIDGE:
What's your name?
ALFIE:
Alfie Bradley, sir.
GOODRIDGE:
Ahh, the language boy, eh? From Cambridge.
ALFIE:
Yes, Sir, that's me.
GOODRIDGE:
Well Bradley, what will you do if one day, you're
boarding a train in Berlin and a soldier doesn't find
your language skills as effectual as Cambridge do? Or
if the time comes when a German officer decides to
relieve himself in a shrub that is harbouring you and a
fellow recruit? I'll tell you what you'll do. You'll
click your gun to attention.
CONTINUED: 10.
SOUND: CLICKING OF REVOLVER.
GOODRIDGE:
Point it below his waist.
(BEAT)
...and spoil his prospects.
SOUND: GUNSHOT - BULLET HIT.
GOODRIDGE:
Bullseye.
RICHIE:
Cor' nice shot, sir!
GOODRIDGE:
You see, you must realise that weapons in war are one
of your greatest allies....and Mr Bradley, I suggest
you get over your misgivings when it comes to shooting
fowl. I can assure you, you will be required to engage
with soldiers who are perfectly indiscriminate when it
comes to discerning you from a common red grouse. A
moral compass in war has the ability to lead one
south. To them WE are the game. They? Well, they are
just vermin, and shall be dealt with as such. So
gentlemen, on that, pick up your Webley revolvers, and
prepare yourselves to fire them.
SOUND: NUMEROUS GUNS CLICK INTO ACTION.
GOODRIDGE:
You will see a man-shaped target ahead of you, and what
I want...hang on, you there, why on earth are you
holding a grenade?
MALE RECRUIT #3:
There weren't any guns left.
GOODRIDGE:
Philips, he'll kill us all, give him your gun.
PHILIPS:
Yes, sir.
GOODRIDGE:
Right, what I want you to employ is the double tap
method - two gunshots - One in the chest and one in the
head for good measure. So, feet apart, with your
strongest a little further forward and one hand
underneath the other for support. Now, hold it out and
stare at your target.
CONTINUED: 11.
NARRATOR:
Bradley, aims. He loosens his shoulders.
GOODRIDGE:
Hold it.
NARRATOR:
He breathes slowly.
GOODRIDGE:
Hold it.
NARRATOR:
He holds it...
(SILENT BEAT).
GOODRIDGE:
Fire!
SOUND: GUNSHOTS FIRE TOGETHER IN A MESH OF LOUD BANGS -
THEN...
SOUND: TWO LOUDER DISCHARGES - THE WHIZZING OF THE BULLETS
AND THEIR POWER HITTING IMPACTS WITH THE TARGET.
GOODRIDGE:
Philips, give me your binoculars.
PHILIPS:
Yes, sir.
GOODRIDGE:
Lets see....Missed, missed, missed...
SOUND: TUTS AND GROANS FROM THE RECRUITS.
GOODRIDGE:
...One contact, missed, two contacts, one in each ear,
not bad. Missed.....and finally....two contacts! one
in the heart and the other right between the
eyes! Perfect! Whose target is this?
ALFIE:
Er, mine sir.
GOODRIDGE:
Well Mr Bradley, it appears you have an unwanted
gift. Your command of that weapon was as...er, was
...Philips, give him a simile.
CONTINUED: 12.
PHILIPS:
Err, erm, was as steady as a rock!
GOODRIDGE:
Well, anyone could have said that, Philips. You're a
walking cliché.
PHILIPS:
Takes one to know one, sir.
GOODRIDGE:
Oh...shut up, Phillips.
MUSIC: MILITARY SNARE DRUM.
NARRATOR:
The men at Beaulieau are continuing to spend their day
learning the skills of discreet warfare. Alfie Bradley
has shown himself to be a natural - a man born to be a
special operations agent.
ALFIE:
To be honest, I think it was mere luck.
RICHIE:
Luck!? It's not like you only landed one shot. You got
two of 'em, perfect.
ALFIE:
But I had my eyes closed, I wasn't even trying.
TONY:
Then you're even better! You know, I heard one of the
boys mention who your Dad was. Nigel Bradley.
RICHIE:
You're kiddin'.
TONY:
Nope, we, my friend, are standing here talking to his
very own flesh and blood.
ALFIE:
Well, come now, I...
RICHIE:
Your old man is Nigel Bradley? He's a hero, I 'erd 'im
on the wireless and my bruvver told me about what he
got up to in the Great War.
TONY:
Yeah, what was it again? He was in the trenches over in
Belgium, Passchendaele. He took the German soldier
CONTINUED: 13.
TONY: (cont'd)
who'd shot his best friend, hostage, got the locations
of the rest of the German squadran, killed the soldier,
wore his skin and uniform, marched on foot for three
days, settled in as a decoy and murdered over one
hundred and fifty of them in their sleep with nothing
but his fists.
RICHIE:
I heard it was only a hundred twenty.
ALFIE:
(BEAT).
That's just ridiculous.
MUSIC: MILITARY SNARE DRUM.
GOODRIDGE:
Right men! Living off the land! This is something
many of you may be forced to do if dropped into enemy
territory. Now, not every local is hospitable, and
those who are, might be in a mass grave. You'll find
that the will to survive is sometimes futile when up
against mother nature, but if we work with her, we can
live to see another day. Now, you each have a live
pigeon in your hand so if...you there, where's yours?
MALE RECRUIT #4:
It flew away, sir.
GOODRIDGE:
Okay, well here, take mine.
SOUND: FLAPPING AND SQUAWKING.
MALE RECRUIT #4:
Urgh, it's flapping!
GOODRIDGE:
Well, it's a bird. Don't worry, It'll settle in a
minute, before we murder it. Now I've killed many a
creature. I grew up on a coffee plantation in South
Africa and we had to hunt for our own
meals. Unfortunately for you, you won't be able to
dine on spit roasted wild boar, kudu or red
hartebeest. You'll have to make do with berries,
rodents and of course pigeons, which I guess is a kind
of flying rodent. Anyway, I'm going to show you how to
kill it in one swift move - The old swing n' twist.
TONY:
Isn't that two moves?
CONTINUED: 14.
GOODRIDGE:
No, well, the idea is to combine the two into one.
MALE RECRUIT #1:
I don't feel well.
GOODRIDGE:
Well, if you can't handle it, feel free to leave,
sonny. That's what this school is designed for. Now,
ready? You raise it up, and with all your force, jerk
it down with a little twist. You should hear and feel
it's neck go.
MALE RECRUIT #1:
Feeling quite unwell now.
GOODRIDGE:
Ready? One, two, three. Now!
SOUND: EXCESSIVE FLAPPING AND BONE SNAPPING - FOLLOWED BY
QUIET.
GOODRIDGE:
Good, all done?
SOUND: THE RECRUITS MUMBLE 'YES' UNEASILY.
GOODRIDGE:
Excellent, now....
SOUND: SUDDEN FLAPPING AGAIN.
MALE RECRUIT #3:
Ahhh! It's still alive!
GOODRIDGE:
Kill it! Kill it!
MALE RECRUIT #3:
I can't!
SOUND: CONTINUOUS FLAPPING.
GOODRIDGE:
Put it out of its misery!
MALE RECRUIT #3:
Ahhhh!
ALFIE:
Give it to me! Quick!
SOUND: NECK SNAP.
CONTINUED: 15.
SOUND: EVERYONES EXHALATION OF BREATH.
GOODRIDGE:
Oh thank God for that. Well done.
ALFIE:
That's okay.
GOODRIDGE:
Good work, Alfie. See everyone? take note of this
chap. He didn't panic. He got in there and saved that
gentlemen from the rabid pigeon.
RICHIE:
Nice one Alfie!
TONY:
Yeah, nice one!
MALE RECRUIT #1:
Can I have a bucket, Sir?
GOODRIDGE:
What for?
MALE RECRUIT #1:
I wish to be sick in it.
GOODRIDGE:
There's no time for that now, we're going to turn them
inside out.
SOUND: THE RECRUIT VOMITS.
MUSIC: MILITARY SNARE DRUM.
NARRATOR:
After dining on their birds and discussing edible
vegetation, the men learn how to make a fire. Alfie
Bradley of course, has excelled in all areas of his
training and continues to do so. After more lessons
and weeding out, the afternoon turns into evening,
where the men of Beaulieu retire to the house for more
cordial pursuits. Goodridge leads the remaining men
through the long halls to the billiards room.
SOUND: NUMEROUS FOOTSTEPS DOWN THE CORRIDOR.
GOODRIDGE:
Well Gentlemen, some of you remain, but it appears
others have not been capable of handling what we've
throw at them. One left because he was disatisfied by
the lunch we provided, another because he found
CONTINUED: 16.
GOODRIDGE: (cont'd)
explosives too dangerous, two men who couldn't bring
themselves to lie to their wives and another because he
thought he'd left the gas on. So that leaves
you. You're probably thinking there aren't many left,
but there are foreign recruits elsewhere on the
estate. Unfortunately, we mustn't let you mingle with
them for security purposes. If any of you are ever
captured, it's imperative that we don't let the
torturers find out the nationality of our trainees.
SOUND: FROM BEHIND A PASSING DOOR, A CORK POPS FOLLOWED BY
STEREOTYPICAL FRENCH LAUGHTER.
GOODRIDGE:
Now, just up ahead is the billiards room where one can
relax a bit. You may have a drink, unwind and listen
to some music. I wouldn't let your guard down too much
though, you're still on S.O.E's time. It's important
to keep your mind steady for tomorrow, where you'll
learn how to withstand interrogation techniques. You
can make a few phone calls if need be, but remember, if
any of your friends or relatives ask where you've been
sequestered to, get imaginative. Good evening
Gentlemen.
SOUND: DOOR CLOSES - SOME OF THE RECRUITS CHEER.
MALE RECRUIT #1:
Thank God for that, let's get the sherry out lads!
MALE RECRUIT #2:
I second that!
MALE RECRUIT #4:
Hey everyone, lets strip down to our underwear and run
across the green, it'll be ripping good fun.
MALE RECRUIT #1:
Yeah!
MALE RECRUIT #3:
I'm in!
MALE RECRUIT #2:
Me too!
SOUND: THE UNSCREWING OF A BOTTLE AND UNZIPPING OF TROUSERS.
RICHIE:
Woah woah, hang on a second! Didn't you 'ear what the
guvner said? We're still on their time, they could be
watching us right now. Plus, don't you want to be
prepared for tomorrow?
CONTINUED: 17.
(A QUIETNESS DESCENDS ON THE MEN).
MALE RECRUIT #1:
No, I like what he said.
MALE RECRUIT #2:
Yeah, I'd rather the sherry and partial nudity.
RICHIE:
How did you ever get this far?
MALE RECRUIT #3:
I'll have you know that I'm a master safe cracker. I'm
notorious in Scotland Yard for my work with explosives.
RICHIE:
I don't think you're a master in anything, I think you
might be testing us!
MALE RECRUIT #3:
Me? Testing you? Oh please, if I was working for them I
could break you in a second.
RICHIE:
Break me!? You know, I really want to punch you in the
face, but I won't. Because what you just said might
also be a test.
MALE RECRUIT #5:
You know maybe he's right. Maybe we should just have a
sit down and calm ourselves.
MALE RECRUIT #1:
Maybe you should shut up.
MALE RECRUIT #2:
You know, maybe we should settle down. They're testing
our characters with this expensive fortified wine and
easily removable trousers.
RICHIE:
And his punchable face.
ALFIE:
Look, let's relax.
MALE RECRUIT #1:
Fine, okay.
MALE RECRUIT #3:
I guess you're right.
SOUND: THE ZIPPING UP OF TROUSERS.
CONTINUED: 18.
ALFIE:
I think I'll make a phone call.
TONY:
Stick on that record will you?
RICHIE:
Sure thing, do you wanna play snooker, Tony?
TONY:
You're on.
SOUND: RECORD CRACKLE - RELAXING AND SLOW BIG BAND JAZZ
PLAYS FROM THE RECORD PLAYER.
SOUND: PHONE IS PICKED UP AND DIAL HOLES ARE DRAGGED ROUND.
SOUND: PHONE RINGS FOR A LONG BEAT, THEN CLICKS.
JEAN:
Hello?
ALFIE:
Hello, Jean?
JEAN:
Yes?
ALFIE:
It's Alfie.
JEAN:
Alfie my darling! How is everything?
ALFIE:
It's okay and you?
JEAN:
Oh everything's fine, how's the new job?
ALFIE:
It's er, interesting.
JEAN:
I was telling my Mother you got a job. She was
thrilled you were playing your part. Teaching
languages to soldiers is so noble.
ALFIE:
Yeah, I guess it is.
CONTINUED: 19.
JEAN:
I miss you.
ALFIE:
I miss you too.
JEAN:
So how long do you think you'll be out there?
ALFIE:
Listen, I can't keep this a secret anymore.
JEAN:
What secret?
ALFIE:
I'm not teaching languages to soldiers. I've been
brought in to fight.
JEAN:
Why on earth would they want you to fight them?
ALFIE:
No, in the war. The government...they want me. Alfie
Bradley. Your fiance, to be a special operations
agent.
JEAN:
Oh my goodness. But, why on earth would they select
you!? You mustn't go!
ALFIE:
I don't know! They have this idea that because my
father is Nigel Bradley I'm going to win them the war.
JEAN:
This is too much.
ALFIE:
But, it's a secret, you can't tell anyone, not even
your Mother.
JEAN:
But I tell Mother everything.
ALFIE:
Well not this!
JEAN:
What have you eaten today? Are you hungry?
CONTINUED: 20.
ALFIE:
No I'm fine, I've had gruel and a pigeon.
JEAN:
What!?
ALFIE:
But the thing is, I'm actually pretty good at this war
stuff. I don't want to be, but I am. They had me fire
guns, break the necks of animals, practice the art of
silent killing and learn about deciphering
codes. Tomorrow they're going to interrogate us.
JEAN:
About what?
ALFIE:
I don't know yet, but whatever it is, I won't tell them.
JEAN:
This is awful.
ALFIE:
If I can, I'll try and get out of it. I'll tell them I
have a fear of being shot at or something. Then
hopefully they'll take pity on me.
JEAN:
No, I don't think that'll work.
MALE RECRUIT #1:
(BACKGROUND)
Can somebody help me with my trousers? I want to hit
some balls about after those chaps are done.
JEAN:
I don't like the sound of that place.
ALFIE:
I think I should go, I don't want to get caught out.
JEAN:
Be careful!
ALFIE:
I will, bye bye.
SOUND: ALFIE CALMS HIMSELF WITH AN EXHALATION OF BREATH.
SOUND: DOOR OPENS.
CONTINUED: 21.
GOODRIDGE:
Alfie, may I see you for a moment?
ALFIE:
Er, yes Sir, of course.
SOUND: FOOTSTEPS - DOOR CLOSING.
GOODRIDGE:
I'd like to have a word with you in private.
ALFIE:
Certainly.
GOODRIDGE:
I've been listening.
ALFIE:
Y-y-yes.
GOODRIDGE:
Our instructors have some good things to say about you.
ALFIE:
Oh. Right.
GOODRIDGE:
We're very impressed with you.
ALFIE:
Oh...thank you.
GOODRIDGE:
Especially when we introduced you to the explosives
class and you tried to escape so as not to make the
others look bad compared to yourself. Very
noble. Very noble indeed.
ALFIE:
Well listen, a part of me doesn't think I'm cut out for
this lark.
GOODRIDGE:
And why's that?
ALFIE:
Well for one thing...er, erm, I have a fear of flying!
GOODRIDGE:
Ahh, I used to suffer from that myself, but you needn't
worry. It's not the flying you're afraid of, it's more
the burning up over atlantic. Nothing to worry about.
CONTINUED: 22.
ALFIE:
Oh.
GOODRIDGE:
Listen Bradley. If you're ever standing with a gun to
your head, there are only one of two outcomes. You'll
either die...or have a very interesting story to
tell. But whatever happens, I know you'll be what this
country needs. A hero.
ALFIE:
Well, I don't know about that.
GOODRIDGE:
Stop being so modest, and good luck for tomorrow, I
hope you pull through and I don't have to eat my hat.
By the way I'm serious about that, we literally have to
eat our hats. Dreadful army tradition.
SOUND: ALFIE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY.
ALFIE:
I'll try, Sir. I want to do what's best.
GOODRIDGE:
That's my boy. Remember to take your bags with you to
your halls. In fact, I'll take them down for you.
ALFIE:
Oh really, you don't have to.
GOODRIDGE:
No, I insist. You get back and enjoy the music and the
drink.
ALFIE:
Okay Sir, goodnight.
GOODRIDGE:
Goodnight.
MUSIC: A PROUD WARTIME FANFARE.
NARRATOR:
And with those words, Alfie Bradley went and
drank...and then drank some more. That night however,
he rested peacefully. Some would say due to
malnourishment and exhaustion, but not in this case. A
man as irrefutably competent as Alfie can rest
assured. Tune in once again to find out what happens
next in the journey of our very own Alfie Bradley!
(END)
