Int. Office
Staff are busy working at their desks. The manager walks in.
Manager:
Everybody, could you gather round please?
Everyone stops working and looks at the manager.
Manager:
I've just been in a meeting with the managing director and, unfortunately, we're going to have to make some cuts.
Man 1:
Redundancies?
Manager:
(LAUGHS) No, not exactly! Look, you, come up here.
Man 1 gets up and stands with the manager.
Manager:
What we'll be doing is: getting a hacksaw and cutting you across here (POINTS TO LEFT SHOULDER), here (POINTS TO RIGHT SHOULDER), here (POINTS TO LEFT THIGH) and finally here (POINTS TO RIGHT THIGH).
Woman 1:
So, what you're saying is: you'll be cutting our arms and legs off?
Manager:
No, no, no, no, no! It's nothing like that! It's what we term 'effective limb redistribution'.
Man 2:
It does sound a lot like cutting our arms and legs off.
Manager:
Look, research, at our parent company in the States, has shown that some team members - when stripped of their limbs - do tend to be more focussed at times. And focus equals productivity.
Man 1:
That's all very well and good for the company, but what's in it for us?
Murmurs of questioning ripple through the staff.
Manager:
In the short term, there won't be any clear benefits, but looking at the bigger picture, you will, in the long term, save a LOT of money of clothes.
Murmurs of agreement ripple through the staff.
Woman 2:
How are we going to get about though? I mean, I sit here and the photocopier's all the way over there.
Manager:
We'll be installing a highly sophisticated pulley system, but you don't need to worry about that for now. Training will be given.
Man 1:
How are we going to type?
Manager:
You'll primarily be using the nose. And, don't worry, Colin, we'll get you a keyboard with extra large keys!
The staff laugh. Colin, at the back, playfully bats the joke away.
Manager:
Ok, I think that's about it for now! Oh, of course! There was one more thing! The company will no longer be providing free coffee.
The staff are momentarily dumbstruck before forming a shouting rabble and chucking office equipment at the manager.
ENDS
