This is only my third sketch and I think I am slowly starting to develop a style but I concede that I still lack that sharpness and cutting edge. At the moment all I can seem to muster is whimsy and randomness. I might also lack subtlety
- If anyone has a spare minute to read this and perhaps critique or offer advice I would very much appreciate it - Thanks
Certain Death Speech
This sketch involves a general preparing his troops for battle against the fearsome Vikings and two nervous friends at the back of the crowd worrying about the pessimistic speech.
FX: Crowd Noises
General
(Addressing the troops)
Gentlemen, Soldiers, Craftsmen, Farmers, Children and Goats of England, thank you for bravely volunteering your lives for this cause.
Friend 1
(Whispering to Friend 2)
I still don't understand why we letting the goats and the children fight as well; we must be really short on numbers this time. And what does he mean volunteering our lives? I only came down because I was told there was free food. If I had known there was going to be danger I would have stayed at home.
Friend 2
Well apparently John went to the last one of these things and he left half way through because people we just being killed everywhere.
Friend 1
That is so grim!
General
(Addressing the troops)
Although many of you face certain death, and even more of you will suffer fates far worse, you are all heroes. The Country that you stand in alongside your brothers today is proud of you. Those Vikings will show no mercy. We are fighting for our lives, the lives of our families. Sure many of you will be brutally murdered, ripped to pieces, or taken as slaves. Our villages will be robbed and our women will be raped...
Friend 2
(Whispering to Friend 1)
I am sensing there is going to be a but...
General
(Addressing the troops)
But if we stand tall, if we hold our ground and we fight with honour, then we will rest eternally with God in heaven.
Friend 2
(Whispering to Friend 1)
Yep, its not worth it, I'd rather live
Friend 1
God might not even be English anyway.
Friend 2
True, God might be a Viking!
Friend 1
Shall we just get out of here?
Friend 2
Yes, to France - Home of the cowards, we are sure to fit right in.
General
(Addressing the troops)
So my friends I ask you, pick up your sticks and your stones; the heavier the better, and get ready to throw them at the enemy. On the count of the three we charge
Friend 1
(Whispering to Friend 2)
On the Count of three we leg it!
The Crowd
One...Two...Three AHHHHHHHHHH!
