Through the Rabbit Hole!

EXT. WOODLAND - DAY

John is walking his dog along the well warn path. He stops as his dog sniffs around a tree. As if by magic, a rather eccentric looking gentleman (Mr Tops) appears next to him wearing a top hat, monocle, brightly coloured suit and carrying a cane.

MR TOPS
Good evening, Sir!

JOHN
(Bewildered)
Alright.

MR TOPS
Alright indeed! Say...

JOHN
What?

MR TOPS
(Hesitation) Nah, you wouldn't be interested...

JOHN
You're probably right (to dog) C'mon boy.

MR TOPS
N-n-no wait, Sir. Wait.

JOHN
What?

MR TOPS
Would you like to see... my hole?

JOHN
(Continues to walk away)
No mate, definitely not interested.

MR TOPS
N-No... my rabbit hole!

He presents with a sweep of his hand an average looking rabbit burrow that he was standing in front of.

JOHN
Yeah, there's loads of them about mate. Seriously, I haven't got time.

John walks away but Mr Tops appears magically in front of him.

MR TOPS
Oh but I have lots of time...

He reveals a pocket watch, the hands begin to spin backwards.

John turns the other way, only to see Mr Tops magically appear in front of him again.

MR TOPS
Please Sir, I have been expecting you...

JOHN
Alright, if I take a look at your Rabbit Hole for one minute, will you just let me go?

MR TOPS
It is not I that will let you go but you that shall let me go!

JOHN
What?

MR TOPS
Yes...

INT. RABBIT HOLE - 2 MINS LATER

MR Tops and John are squeezed very tightly into the rabbit hole, with a small break of sunlight lighting their faces.

JOHN
(struggling to fit)
What is so special about this rabbit hole?

MR TOPS
I find it peaceful, don't you?

EXT. WOODLAND - DAY

Two pairs of legs can be seen sticking out of the rabbit burrow, a lead coming from it with John's dog sat patiently.

INT. RABBIT HOLE

JOHN
Not really, no. What do you do in here?

MR TOPS
Just stuff... I just sit and think about things, y'know like life n that.

JOHN
Right, I'm off...

John struggles trying to escape.

JOHN
I want to get out, just move.

MR TOPS
I can't, I'm right against the wall.

JOHN
Breath in!

MR TOPS
I am, I am!

EXT. WOODLAND - DAY

The two pairs of legs flail about in struggle.

JOHN
I hate you.

MR TOPS
(SAD)
Aw.

Fade to:

EXT. WOODLAND - NIGHT

They are still stuck, but have stopped struggling.

END.

Sorry, rather morbid ending there! Will probably write another one later, just wanted to get this written down.

Hi mate,

Ok I like how it ends the middle is a little to long winded for me, is there a quicker way of getting him into the rabbit hole?

Quote: Gavin @ May 30 2013, 1:18 PM BST

the middle is a little to long winded for me

View original

It's interesting you said that! I imagined it as a 2 panel comic strip, I just got carried away with the dialogue.

PANEL 1: Do you dare journey down the rabbit hole?

PANEL 2: Two guys squeezed tightly together looking unimpressed.

Quote: Lee @ May 30 2013, 1:21 PM BST

It's interesting you said that! I imagined it as a 2 panel comic strip, I just got carried away with the dialogue.

PANEL 1: Do you dare journey down the rabbit hole?

PANEL 2: Two guys squeezed tightly together looking unimpressed.

View original

lol I like that!

I liked the way you twisted expectations, from the appearance of Mr Tops setting the scene for something magical or strange to happen only for it to become a silly struggle for room in the hole. Good one Lee

Like it, the one thing I'll point out is that mr topps appears to break character from being all top hat and tails to saying "stuff n that".

Lee,

I liked the lead up, especially the 'no you wouldn't be interested'. This gives us a little intrigue. But I agree - you could cut a few lines.

Here's how I thought it was going to go:

John: What so special about this rabbit hole then?
Mr T: Can't you feel it?
John: No.
(a beat)
John: Hang on. You... what the hell is that?

Cut to EXT.
Police taking Mr Tops away. John looking disgusted. The dog looking away.

This probably just reflect badly on me right?

Mike.

Quote: Pete Turton @ May 30 2013, 4:28 PM BST

Like it, the one thing I'll point out is that mr topps appears to break character from being all top hat and tails to saying "stuff n that".

View original

He breaks character because his showmanship was just an act. He's really just a weirdo with a hole.

Quote: mikemcc @ May 30 2013, 4:36 PM BST

This probably just reflect badly on me right?

View original

Thanks Mike

And Shan

I loved all this, but then it fizzled out.

Quote: Lee @ May 30 2013, 1:11 PM BST

EXT. WOODLAND - DAY

John is walking his dog along the well warn path. He stops as his dog sniffs around a tree. As if by magic, a rather eccentric looking gentleman (Mr Tops) appears next to him wearing a top hat, monocle, brightly coloured suit and carrying a cane.

MR TOPS
Good evening, Sir!

JOHN
(Bewildered)
Alright.

MR TOPS
Alright indeed! Say...

JOHN
What?

MR TOPS
(Hesitation) Nah, you wouldn't be interested...

JOHN
You're probably right (to dog) C'mon boy.

MR TOPS
N-n-no wait, Sir. Wait.

JOHN
What?

MR TOPS
Would you like to see... my hole?

JOHN
(Continues to walk away)
No mate, definitely not interested.

MR TOPS
N-No... my rabbit hole!

He presents with a sweep of his hand an average looking rabbit burrow that he was standing in front of.

JOHN
Yeah, there's loads of them about mate. Seriously, I haven't got time.

John walks away but Mr Tops appears magically in front of him.

MR TOPS
Oh but I have lots of time...

He reveals a pocket watch, the hands begin to spin backwards.

John turns the other way, only to see Mr Tops magically appear in front of him again.

MR TOPS
Please Sir, I have been expecting you...

JOHN
Alright, if I take a look at your Rabbit Hole for one minute, will you just let me go?

MR TOPS
It is not I that will let you go but you that shall let me go!

JOHN
What?

MR TOPS
Yes...

INT. RABBIT HOLE - 2 MINS LATER

MR Tops and John are squeezed very tightly into the rabbit hole, with a small break of sunlight lighting their faces.

JOHN
(struggling to fit)
What is so special about this rabbit hole?

MR TOPS
I find it peaceful, don't you?

EXT. WOODLAND - DAY

Two pairs of legs can be seen sticking out of the rabbit burrow, a lead coming from it with John's dog sat patiently.

View original

Don't you think there needs to be a killer last line though, Nil (if it were to end like that)? And thanks for reading!

I liked the style & the idea.
But I think you should make Mr Tops a little more eccentric.
There could be more fun to be had in this.

Believe me Freve, I feel like I could write lots for the character but I thought I was already getting too carried way

Quote: Lee @ May 31 2013, 12:12 AM BST

Don't you think there needs to be a killer last line though, Nil (if it were to end like that)? And thanks for reading!

View original

Oh yes, I'm not suggesting you end it there, just that you need a better finish.

Quote: Nil Putters @ May 31 2013, 12:14 AM BST

Oh yes, I'm not suggesting you end it there, just that you need a better finish.

View original

The ending was just tacked on, I was hoping you wouldn't notice

Oh...

Umm...