Purrfect

Car Showroom forecourt

Smarmy salesman
"What about this, the Mercedes 5000L it's a dream.

Man
"Turn the engine over"

Salesman turns engine

Man
"No, I don't need to think I've got a load of Nazis down my neck every time I go for a spin."

Salesman
"What about this the Mitsubishi 5000L, its top of the range.

Man
"Turn the engine"

Man
"Sounds too much like a Jap staff car for my liking"

Salesman
"If you don't mind me saying so you look remarkably young to have been in the war"

Man
"I wasn't I'm only 32, anyway I'll have to get back to work"

Salesman
"Where do you work?"

Man
"Elstree Studios"

Salesman
Perks up
"So are you famous or something?"

Man
chuckles
"No I'm just the sound effects guy"

Ha, I liked this one.

Good Sketch.Nice Dialogue. This one could work.

Thanks kids, just a whim one not a side splitter by any means.

You can get rid of 4 of the last 5 lines and still tell the joke.

Spot on Badge.

I thought it was a weak gag and somewhat contrived.

Lose the 'just' in the last line.

or even:

Man
(in a Darth Vader voice)
"No I am the sound effects master!"

Quote: Ben @ May 12 2013, 3:35 PM BST

I thought it was a weak gag and somewhat contrived.

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I would have accepted laboured as it was never gong to split anyone's side and I would have accepted amendments if outlined.

But to get slated in such an oxymoronic fashion leaves me tempted to reply so here goes.

It was a sketch not a gag.

I contrived it because that's what I do I contrive situations in order to hopefully make something comedic happen.

You should give it a bash although be warned it's a bit more mentally strenuous that posting what you had for your tea.

Quote: Teddy Paddalack @ May 12 2013, 6:25 PM BST

in such an oxymoronic fashion

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Not sure how it was an oxymoron.

Quote: Teddy Paddalack @ May 12 2013, 6:25 PM BST

It was a sketch not a gag.

View original

I wasn't denying it was a sketch, but there's only one joke/gag/reveal in it.

Quote: Teddy Paddalack @ May 12 2013, 6:25 PM BST

I contrived it because that's what I do I contrive situations in order to hopefully make something comedic happen.

View original

There's nothing wrong with setting things up. In fact, that's the very essence of comedy, but lines like the following are too forced and unnatural:

Salesman
"If you don't mind me saying so you look remarkably young to have been in the war"

I don't see why the salesman would say that after two vague mentions of the war.

Quote: Teddy Paddalack @ May 12 2013, 6:25 PM BST

You should give it a bash although be warned it's a bit more mentally strenuous that posting what you had for your tea.

View original

I had a stab at writing comedy for several years. I apologise if you've taken the criticism personally, but that wasn't my aim.

The reply was due to your assertion that the story was contrived, of course it was contrived that is the very raison d'etre of critique.

I contrive a setting and try my best to make it comedic or not and that's what I did, I never said it was real nor did I attempt to convey that.

I liked it wasnt what I was expecting at all.

Come on Teddy, I know it stings but people are allowed to slate your work and say it's shit.
If all of them say it's shit - then it's probably shit

But that isn't the case - more like it than dislike it, job done!

I'm not saying its not shit I know I can put up more shit than most.
My point was that I was arguing that its contrived.

Stephen stick means nothing to me at times it's even helped
But 'Snide' is a different one that must be answered right back, that's how I roll.

Ah, it's a forum mate. You'll always get snide remarks. There's at least one on here that can't resist having a regular chip at me.