Skit Comp 25.4 - 3.5.13

As my mother says, thanks for entering. And congratulations to OTTERFOX for winning. Please celebrate and PM me for the next topic.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
3 - 10 - Otterfox
2 - 5 - Craig H
1 - 1 - Jackfromthebush, Michael Monkhouse
Speckled mention: Funny Johnny

Your new subject is TORTURE (suggested by Craig H).

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 3.5.13

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Position - Name

30 - 1 - Gappy
20 - 2 - Otterfox
16 - 3 - Michael Monkhouse
15 - 4 - Craig H
5 - 5 - Steve Sunshine
1 - 6 - Jackfromthebush, Nil Putters

[Dingy basement scene. Sound of screams and groans. Pan to cowled FIGURE, who is turning the wheel of a rack; the VICTIM on it groans pitifully. Pan to cowled FIGURE 2, who forces a red hot brand onto the skin of VICTIM 2, tied to a metal chair, who screams hideously. Pan to cowled FIGURE 3, who tightens a thumb screw on VICTIM 3, tied to a metal bed frame leant against the wall. VICTIM 3 screams in pain]

FIGURE 2: For Pete's sake, Jody, we're in A minor.

FIGURE 3: No, that's never what we agreed.

FIGURE 1: [Pulling back cowl to reveal hipster appearance] You've completely messed it up, Jody, as usual; we'll have to start all over again. [Reaches back to rewind a large, old reel-to-reel tape behind him]

FIGURE 3: [Pulling off cowl, and putting on horrible, lensless glasses] If you can't be civil about it, Alexis, I'll take my contribution elsewhere! [Storms out]

FIGURE 2: Complete amateur.

VICTIM 3: I simply can't work with people like that.

VICTIM 2: [As fresh brand wound smokes] I'm totally cutting him from my anthology.

Man1: Well so we meet again.

Man2: Hello there.

Man1: It was a good stoning last time.

Man2: Indeed it was. I had six good hits.

Man1: What a sneaky guy he was, pretended to be dead three times.

Man2: I went to public school with his brother. I remember both of them as some very naughty boys.

Man1: Who are we stoning today?

Man2: It should be a woman salesman from the market.

Man1: Well she won't be missed. Do we have a name?

Man2: Only that she belongs to Satan.

Man1: It's surprising how well mannered the bestial demons from hell usually are.

Man2: My knee is still in pains.

Man1: Did you ever find out who throw that rock at you?

Man2: Not really but my mother in law have been smiling insidious ever since.

Man1: Well that's why I say never blend with the blood frenzy mob. Keep your distance and make a good aim.

Man2: Now he is reading the public indictment, do you have your stones ready?

Man1: What do you know! it's my neighbor we are stoning. Steep aside people I want to make some good hits.

INT - FLAT

JOHN
What you doing?

ALAN
Watching snooker.

JOHN CASUALLY WALKS OVER TO THE WINDOW, STANDS ON THE LEDGE AND JUMPS.

EXT - SKYSCRAPER SIDE ON

WE SEE JOHN FALLING.

INT - FLAT

ALAN SWITCHES THE CHANNEL.

GEORGE ENTERS

GEORGE
What you doing?

ALAN
Watching darts.

GEORGE CASUALLY WALKS OVER TO THE WINDOW, STANDS ON THE LEDGE AND JUMPS.

EXT - SKYSCRAPER SIDE ON

WE SEE GEORGE FALLING.

INT - FLAT

ALAN SWITCHES THE TV OFF. ROBERT ENTERS

ROBERT
What you watching?

ALAN
Ahh, nothing. Just gonna grab something to eat.

ROBERT CASUALLY WALKS OVER TO THE WINDOW, STANDS ON THE LEDGE.

ALAN
What you doing!?! I said nothing. I said I wasn't watching anything. How can you justify throwing yourself out of the window when I'm not even watching anything. That's not fair. That's shit |Robert, that's really shit.

ROBERT
I've got cancer.

ALAN GETS UP ON THE LEDGE AND JUMPS.

EXT - SKYSCRAPER SIDE ON

WE SEE ALAN FALLING.

INT - FLAT

ROBERT HEADS OVER TO THE SOFA AND SITS DOWN

ROBERT
Amateurs.

HE SWITCHES ON THE T.V

(T.V. VOICEOVER)
And now on BBC 1 it's time for the second episode of 'The Wright Way'.

EXT - SKYSCRAPER SIDE ON

WE SEE ROBERT FALLING.

END.

________________________

EDIT : Alternate ending courtesy of Lazzard

EXT - SKYSCRAPER SIDE ON

EVERYONE IS JUMPING FROM THE BUILDING.

END.

We see a man hanging by manacles from the ceiling of a dingy cell.

A clown walks into the cell carrying a taser a pair of pliers and a whip.

Behind the clown we see four midgets in leather masks.

Behind them is a woman with a beard a muscle bound man in a leopard skin and a man in a red coat and top hat.

The man in the chains looks up as he speaks.

Man

"I See you brought the whole f**king circus with you?"

Torture sketch

INT. SCHOOL HALL - DAY.

Some three hundred or so people; Students, teachers and parents are seated, some stand at the back, facing toward a stage.

An assembly on drugs awareness is taking place.

Miss Swanson is arranging the event and is somewhat very flustered.

Miss Swanson: Has anyone seen him?

Other teachers shake their heads, sipping squash.

MS: He has to do his..his...stuff and he's not here.

She charges around the packed hall, furiously making calls whiles checking every corner of the room.

Mr Caldwell, history teacher and Mr Bellamy, P.E. are in the background with the other teachers.

MC: This is a waste of time. I don't know why WE'RE here. I know what drugs can do; I don't need some jumped up, uni-grad, know-it-all telling me what I already know.

MB: I just don't like them druggie scum bags.

EXT. SCHOOL HALL - DAY

Miss Swanson darts outside, and sees a scruffy man looking lost.

MS: You there?! Are you here for the...the, y'know, stuff?

The lost man nods enthusiastically.

MS: Well come on, come on. You're late!!

LM: Eh? But you're going to...

MS: Yes, yes come on!

INT. SCHOOL HALL - CONTINOUS

Miss Swanson walks on stage.

MS: Students, teachers, ladies and gentlemen; as we all know, some students and teachers have had some unsavoury incidents with some of the drug addicts around the general area. To give us a better understanding of how to approach the situation in future, today we have someone well versed on the topic to give us a talk about how to better understand this affliction.

We hear some groans in the audience around the direction of Mr Caldwell.

Miss Swanson exits the stage.

The Lost man walks on to the stage.

He panics and walks straight off.

He is pushed back on again.

The audience look as confused as he is.

MS (O.S.): Come on! We don't have time.

The lost man looks desperately perplexed.

MS (O.S.): Well, tell them what you're here for?

The lost man is resistant.

MS (O.S.): Come on, speak!

The lost man looks desperate.

MS: DO IT! Or I won't be paying you.

The lost man looks forwards and takes a deep breath.

LM: Crack. I want Crack.

The audience stay eerily silent.

The lost man looks back at Miss Swanson, confused.

Miss Swanson eggs him on.

Mr Caldwell (whispers): Well, this is a new approach.

Mr Bellamy edges toward the stage.

LM: Please, does anyone have any? Anyone at all?

Again the audience are silent.

Miss Swanson continues egging him on.

LM: I need it.

Silence

LM: I'm clucking so bad.

Silence

LM: If I don't get some soon, I will slice and maim every one of you!

The lost man becomes increasingly breathless.

LM: You pieces of shit, gimme some now!!

Silence.

A clap is heard.

And another.

And another.

Soon the entire audience is clapping, whooping, cheering.

Various voices: Inspiring! Original! Stroke of Genius!

The lost man grows increasingly angry.

LM: You bastards. You sick, sick bastards.

More whooping and cheering.

Various voices: Brilliant! Stirring! Incredible! I now instantly know more than
I ever thought I did.

LM: AAAAAAAGH!

The lost man leaps from the stage and makes a sprint for the fire exit, dividing the audience like Moses and the red sea.

The audience are in raptures, with Mr Caldwell looking bemused.

A preppy young man walks on stage looking breathless.

PM: Goodness me, sorry I'm late. My car broke down and...

Miss Swanson is startled.

Student (points): Look! Some druggie's wondered on to the stage and is chatting gibberish!

PM: What? No I...

MB: Eat dirt, druggie scum.

Mr Bellamy rugby tackles the preppy man.

End

If Basil Brush returns I shall shove a stick of dynamite in his mouth and another up his ass. Boom boom.

Craig H!

Craig H

I'm going to be enitrely honest, I didn't like any of these at all - mine included. Craig sneaks the prize, though. The idea of snookervision torture or similar sending someone to suicide is decent, although in this sketch there was no sense that the characters were forcibly exposed to it, so it didn't really make sense to me. BY far the best effort, though.

But, bodies falling from a great height are always funny: just ask Spike Milligan, Monty Python or, in recent times, Kevin Eldon.

My vote goes to Teddy.

Sorry didn't get to vote in time! just returned from holiday.

For what it's worth I would have voted for Johnny's.

Nice one Mr H, vote included!