An overly long sketch...

The reason behind this was that I was listening to Jeremy Vine on Radio 2 the other day and they were talking about the 2 Goths that were refused entry onto a bus because the guy goth had the gal goth on a lead. They had various people on and the one that struck me as amusing was one bloke who's parents owned a shop in Yorkshire, and how they got abused because of it.

SCENE 1. INT. AFTERNOON – TV STUDIO

A TV PRESENTER (JACOB RILEY) IS STOOD ON STAGE WITH A SMALL PALE GIRL DRESSED IN BLACK SAT BEHIND HIM. HE FACES THE CAMERA AND SMILES.

JACOB:Hello and welcome back to the Jacob Riley show. Today’s topic is “freaks or just unique?” Before the break we met Sally. A fifteen year old Goth from Yorkshire. She told us about the daily abuse she had to endure at the hands of “chavs”, her word not mine. And how it affected her entire family. Let’s meet one of the family. Bring out her Dad. Here’s Dave everyone.

A MUTED APPLAUSE COMES FROM THE AUDIENCE. A SHORT FAT MAN COMES OUT WAVING CHEERFULLY. HE SITS DOWN NEXT TO HIS DAUGHTER.

JACOB:Welcome Dave.

DAVE:Ta very much Jacob. Never been on telly before. Quite exciting really.

SALLYad!

DAVE:Well it is! Cheer up you miserable get! (TO JACOB) Bloody Goth’s eh. Always so moody and depressed. Gets right on my nerves I can tell you.

JACOB:I can imagine it would. Tell us Dave about the torture you’ve been put through because of your daughter.

DAVEh don’t get me started. Me and her mother own a shop right in the centre of our village. Been there for twenty years we have. And up until recently we’ve had no bother what’s so ever. But then madam here decides she wants to be an emu.

SALLY:Emo.

DAVE:What?

SALLY:I’m an emo Dad not an emu. An emu’s a bird.

DAVE:Is that right? Well thank you David Attenborough. (TO JACOB) You see what I have to put up with? Bloody little know it all. No wonder people throw stones at her. Well what ever she is it’s not normal. Made our life hell she as.

JACOB:In what way Dave?

DAVE:Well for a start there’s not a day goes by that our shop isn’t pelted with eggs.

JACOB:That must be annoying?

DAVE:Well yes and no. You see we were the only shop for miles, until they went and opened that new supermarket down by the round about, so the only place to buy their eggs was in our shop.

JACOBo you stopped selling eggs to these people naturally.

DAVEid we heck! I ordered in more! And I put the price up. The gross profit for a dozen eggs went through the roof. Six pound for twelve. I mean who could pass up an opportunity like that? I am a business man after all. Selling eggs to those little bastards meant me and the wife could go to Barbados for a fortnight.

JACOB:And what about Sally? Did you take her on holiday too?

DAVE:Are you having a laugh? Didn’t want her sullen mug ruining the atmoss did we? Plus emu’s don’t like sunlight, that’s why they’re always so pale looking. A bit like vampires. (SHIVERS) They give me the creeps if truth be known.

JACOB:If you could say one thing to the people who have been terrorising you and your wife what would it be?

DAVE:Well Jacob…

JACOBon’t tell me Dave. Look in to that camera there and tell your persecutors what’s on your mind.

DAVE:Well… The only thing I want to say to them is BOG OFF.

JACOB:Bog off?

DAVE:That’s right! For this week only it’s buy one get one free on all eggs, spray paint and razor blades! Hurry while stocks last! Only at Dave’s.

JACOB:Finished?

DAVE:Hum, no actually I forgot to mention we are open late on Thursdays. Sally has band practice on a Thursday, you see so she don’t get in till late, so plenty of time to stock up!

JACOB:After the break we are going to meet a man who has a rather peculiar friend. Don’t go away.

Overly long?
Yes.
Someone had to say it, I suppose.
I'd say it needs to be drastically cut. There were a couple of OK bits (like the shop stocking eggs) but they were lost in a morass of fuzziness and the jokes themselves were drawn out too much IMO. And why not alter it so it packs more of a punch? Why not make the shop-owner a Pakistani whose corner-shop is under attack because his daughter is suffering racist abuse? You might not want to take this line but I aim to illustrate that you can mix things up a bit from what originally inspired you.

Thanks for taking the time to read it and write a response. I appreciate it. It was just an idea I had, you know what it's like when your muse leaps on you without warning and you have to right things down or they just drift away.

Thanks again.

The lines of text seem very long. I like punchier dialouge or i get bored (unless its John Grisham film or something)

DAVE: Well yes and no. You see we were the only shop for miles, until they went and opened that new supermarket down by the round about, so the only place to buy their eggs was in our shop.

I would write.

DAVE: yes and no. We were the only shop round here then they go and open the superkmarket by the roundabout. Before that they bought all their eggs from us.

I'm new to this but i notice a lot of people (IMO) write speech in a much longer fashion than they say it. It may be gramatically correct but its not how people speak. Certainly not in a sketch where you want to get to the point.

As an aside, be careful what you wish for! I was happy to leave this sketch alone as it didn't do anything for me, but your plea for feedback made me think that maybe I should comment after all.

James and M Lewis are both right in that it's too long. The overall sketch is too drawn out and a lot of the individual lines are flabby.

e.g

Hello and welcome back to the Jacob Riley show. Today’s topic is “freaks or just unique?” Before the break we met Sally. A fifteen year old Goth from Yorkshire. She told us about the daily abuse she had to endure at the hands of “chavs”, her word not mine. And how it affected her entire family. Let’s meet one of the family. Bring out her Dad. Here’s Dave everyone.

is veeeerrrryyyyy long.

Why not something along the lines of:

Welcome back. Today’s topic is “freak or unique?” Before the break we met teenage goth Sally who told us about the abuse she suffers and how it affects her family life. Well, here is a member of her family, her dad Dave. Dave...

Even that's a bit long - but it's got rid of some superfluous detail.

But that doesn't address the fundamental problem - the joke is weak. It seems to me just a tired gag about a greedy shopkeeper. Also, I saw the end coming from miles out. There is no change in Dave's position - he is a jovial, git of a dad to start with and so his preoccupation with self-interest doesn't come as a surprise. Perhaps if initially he showed concern for his daughter it would work better.

You've tried to enliven the sketch with a few smaller gags, but, IMO, they don't work. The emu / EMO joke is the sort of thing I would expect to hear in a primary school playground.

Also - BOGOF only has one F - unless you want it to be buy one get one f--king free.

Write is spelt write, not right.

James - I wasn't sure about the Pakistani tweak (I know it was just a top of the head type suggestion). I think doing a sketch with a Pakistani owning a corner shop is a bit of a racial generalisation. That said, a producer may well snap it up...

Barbs is pretty accurate with his analysis. There was no resolution to the various factors of the sketch - Dave has this grudge against his daughter even though she is the reason for his financial success - perhaps he learns that she's ok. At the moment the characters remain the same, stock characters throughout - no surprises.

Also a goth is very different to an emo. That is just very lazy on your part!

Jimmy. It is long. You can easily trim it down though. The idea is good. Freaks or Uniques. I like that.
I am not going to pull you up on spelling mistakes. That would make me look like an egit. I am one of the worst culprits.
I also see nothing wrong with a Pakistani having a corner shop. Many of them do, do they not?
It has great potential & with a few tweaks here & there you will have a great sketch.

Edited for a spelling mistake lol

I didn't think it was that long and hadn't read it before because you labelled it as such.

Interesting - funny in places but coul do with a better punchline I think. I like the egg profit too.

Did Chris Evans do a freak or unique thing on TFI Friday?
Not that it has any bearing on your sketch.

A comedy sketch is rather like sex.

If it's good, there's no such thing as 'going on too long'.

If it's bad, you wish you'd never started.

This sketch isn't great but, to be fair, it's not bad either.

Basically, it should be funnier or shorter.

Because others have had a look, so have I...

And it really isn't that long. Longer than it should be, but way shorter than many sketches on here. I think you are trying to get out as early as possible, which is commendable. Lesson is, don't call it "an overly long sketch" if you want critique.

Anyway, overall I agree with Barbs. It lacks punch by being too wordy in the dialogue.

Personally I wouldn't go down James's Pakistani shopkeeper route because that's an entirely different sketch.

I had a look but couldn't make my mind up either. There one or two good moments but a lot of the zip was taken out of it by over wordy dialogue.

We get the idea that the dad isn't very keen on the daughter and there are too many jokes, IMO, based on this and that's what prolongs the sketch.

As somebody else has said, it's not brilliant but it's not bad either. Sorry to be a bit sitty on the fency here but that's the feeling I'm left with on this one.