Eh. Hi. Please support me and Flat Eric. We write a book http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/complaints-and-grievances
comments, feedback and critics also appreciated
Complaints and Grievances
Eh. Hi?
You probably need to learn to write English before you write a book and expect funding too.
My first observation is that in the little puppet-video at the top of your page, the squeaking noises don't lipsynch with the movements of the puppet's mouth. It would make a big difference if you managed to get that right.
As regards the poems themselves, the occasional bits of bad grammar don't bother me. It's perfectly acceptable to write stuff in slang, patois or whatever. They're not really poems: they're rants. They've got energy going for them, but the comparison with George Carlin, which you make several times, doesn't really hold good, because by and large his material satirises social phenomena - food advertising or people's obsession with owning stuff, for example - whereas yours is more about particular people doing things which irritate you: somebody next door making too much noise, or someone parking so badly that there's no room for your own car. These are legitimate targets, but your responses are sometimes a bit unfunny - I'd like to scratch your car with a sharp implement and cover it with shit. Your observation needs to be a bit sharper and your responses need to be a bit more inventive.
I think your writing's probably still at the therapeutic stage, where you're deriving benefit from getting things off your chest, and hasn't fully developed to the performative stage where other people are going to get a lot of enjoyment out of it as well. But like I say, you do have plenty of energy in the writing, and quite a clear idea of the things you want to write about and the way you want to write about them, so those aren't bad starting-points.
Thanks for expanded answer ) It really helped