A Piece of Piss

FADE IN:

EXT. BLOCK OF FLATS - DAY

Working man GEORGE has just arrived home from work and presses the button to the lift in the block of flats where he lives.

The lifts opens with the camera shot being from the point of view of inside the lift and looking out at George as he's about to get in, but then he pulls a disgusted face and backs out saying.

GEORGE
(voice trailing off)
Oh the dirty........

So George walks up the stairs and as he goes along his balcony he sees his neighbour JEAN standing on her doorstep.

JEAN
Hello George, is the lift not working then?

She asks as she noticed him having come up via the stairs.

GEORGE
Yeah it is but some dirty bastard's pissed in it.

JEAN
Dunnit make you sick eh?

George nods and makes a face as Jean goes back into her flat and re-emerges with a bucket and mop.

As Jean walks around to the lift, she sees another neighbour WINNIE pressing the button, so says to her.

JEAN
Hello Winnie love, I wouldn't use that yet until I've cleaned it as some filthy bugger's pissed in it.

Then the lift arrives and the door opens and as Jean and Winnie peer in, they see a drunk slumped on the floor, pissed as a fart and singing his head off!

FADE OUT

made me laugh !!!

i think the only thing wrong with it is that it's not surreal enough. personally, i don't mind going in a lift with a bit of piss up the walls (I lived in Russia, where lifts don't seem right without the harsh citrus tang of another's urine) but I would think twice about going in a lift with a real drunkard in it.

So, although I understand the pun, it's not surprising enough. The hero's actions are understandable, which isn't what you want I reckon.

I can see what you mean Scott but I don't agree. I think the only thing that is important here is the pun itself. I for one wasn't expecting the nature of the punchline at all so it's good.

If it makes some-one laugh then it works

Thank you boo warren and as Wildjesusfishkid says, that hopefully means it works on some kind of level.

I also take your points too Scott T but suppose I’m hoping that within the humour, we are able to get away with things that might not always be logical due to using creative licence.....well I hope so anyway, otherwise all my talking animal ideas are buggered then

Tom Pk, do you want to be my agent?

Again as I've mentioned in my other sketch that I've posted on here, it helped me to have someone in mind as the drunk and I was visualising Rab C Nesbitt, although I didn't really intend to pitch it that way.

Quote: Wildjesusfishkid @ February 25, 2007, 12:38 AM

If it makes some-one laugh then it works

View original

I suppose, but that would mean on a critique forum, if the first reply says 'it made me laugh', that's the end of the discussion since the sketch has 'worked'. I suspect the poster really wants more information about people's thoughts, including slightly negative points (but hopefully constructive, as i tried to explain myself rather than just say 'it wasn't funny enough') that might help their writing in future.

Tom PK, I also wasn't expecting the punchline, but neither did I roar with laughter, so thought i'd offer why i thought that might have been.

Quote: ima_mazed @ February 25, 2007, 4:45 AM

Thank you boo warren and as Wildjesusfishkid says, that hopefully means it works on some kind of level.
I also take you points too Scott T but suppose I’m hoping that within the humour, we are able to get away with things that might not always be logical due to using creative licence...

View original

My point is more that i felt it not illogical enough ... or too logical.

Really good! check out some of mine on the forum as no one seems to bother rating them

Thanks all for your remarks and they do help because I obviously know what I mean with an idea but maybe don't get the point across too well in the written form and originally didn't have the Winnie character (the next person wanting to use the lift) in it at all, but felt I'd add her just so that Jean, (the character with the mop and bucket) could repeat the "Someone's pissed in the lift line" as a reminder of the set up just in case it was a bit too subtle, as you'd have to think back to EXACTLY what George had said, which was...."Yeah, some dirty bastard's pissed in it"

Just for clarity, (and apologies if you got it as I don't want to come across as patronising) "Some dirty bastard’s pissed in it" is meant to make you think that someone HAS pissed in the lift but it really means someone IS pissed in the lift and then the pissed character could maybe perform like a drunk to help make it a bit funnier.

The thing about the character George NOT getting in the lift is because we are meant to think that he didn't want to get in as there was piss on the floor in it, but it's actually because there is SOMEONE pissed in it, but we don't see that until the very last shot, when the lift door opens for the two women characters.

Oh and Chris, I will take a look at some of you stuff and let you know what I think.

If you guys want to do a mutual 'what do you thnk of my sketch' thing, I'm in ... I've got one called 'Sketch - newsagents' rapidly sinking down the Critique board with a total viewings of 0 If you have time to give me your thoughts I'd appreciate it.