Kirrin Island - One Liners Submissions April 2013 Page 2

Kwitter:

As a penny-pinching, reactionary, right-wing bigot, I'm not too chuffed about the Telegraph's paywall.

Whenever people accuse me of 'aggressive secularism'... I punch their bloody lights out!

Although Bill Roache hasn't been sacked for his remarks, he'll certainly be paying for them in his next life.

Do you know who's a big fan of 'Let's Get Ready to Rumble'? My stomach!

If this Easter was the coldest on record, then how come my eggs still melted?

If Paulo Di Canio's racist, then why's he in charge of the Black Cats?

K-witter

So Gary Lineker's doing 'Who Do You Think You Are'? I hope the whole 'Match of The Day' team go on, I'd love to see Hansen's smug face when he finds out he's related to Zac, Isaac and Taylor.

No wonder the outgoing editor of The Archers says she's astonished at being subjected to online death threats from the show's fans. I can't get my head around the idea that some of them actually know how to get on the internet.

(girl) It was nice to see Kourtney Kardashian offering to carry a baby for her sister Khloe. But she shouldn't do it here in the UK as she would be liable for the 'Spare Womb Tax'.

I've been having nightmares about these Romanians turning up in Britain and literally sucking us all dry. I tell you, that's the last time I read Bram Stoker's 'Dracula' just before bedtime.

(Scots accent) Alex Salmond has promised that the 18th of September next year will be a 'date with destiny'. Fair enough, if he's going to the bother of laying on one the internet's top porn stars he's got my vote.

Blyton Newslines

A gang of rogues has duped gem traders out of millions of pounds worth of jewellery by pretending to be friends of Ashley Cole. The victims say they first became suspicious when they noticed the gang weren't carrying any guns.

Nasty dictator Kim Jong-Un has again raised North Korea's state of war readiness. It's now just one notch under Andy Murray's mum's whenever he makes an unforced error.

A juicy mystery has emerged with the revelation that Boris Berezovsky was found dead lying next to his shower. Investigators believe he may slipped on a bar of Russian Imperialist Leather.

Intro:
A five legged lamb has been born on a farm in Northumberland, that's nothing, ever since the great St Helen's 6th form exchange of '87, Kirrin island has produced thousands of six fingered kids....

Patients notes from a hospital in Oldham have been found on a streets as far afield as Liverpool and even Kirrin Island, so now we all the know the reason why our Lord Mayor itches so much.

The national union of teachers have voted for a motion of no confidence in education secretary Michael Gove, only three years behind their pupils, who've been banging their heads against their desks in despair since the general election.

kwiiter:
When Ian Duncan smith says he's lived on the breadline, he actually meant ciabatta-line. He wouldn't touch something common as ordinary bread.

(In the voice of a house wife): this airline that's increasing the airfare for heavier people haven't considered people like my husband, he's 22 stone but also 6 ft 6, and that's means....he's still a fat bastard.

Kwitter:

(Pilot) I find it funny that overweight Kirrin Islanders are up in arms about the decision for the Island's airline to charge passengers by weight. #LightenUpPeople.

Intros:

This month, the mobile phone celebrated the 40th anniversary of its very first phone call. It spent the day drinking, and lamenting the 39th anniversary since it was replaced by a younger model and how its children don't call anymore.

Blyton News (or Kwitter):

(Famous Five) I had a look at the new social class calculator. I don't think I'm accurately represented, as not one of the social activities involves ginger beer or finding a kidnapped scientist.

Intro

Travel experts have predicted a post-crisis Cypriot cut-price bonanza for Kirrin Islanders looking for cheap deals. They say this summer it could cost less than ever to be beaten senseless by a gang of aggrieved drunken British squaddies.

Nigeria has launched Africa's biggest space programme. A spokesman told scientists here at Cape Kirrin they hope to contact extra-terrestrials to gather vital information for the future of humanity, such as account numbers, sort codes, and dates of birth.

K-witter

As a UKIP supporter I agree when Nigel Farage says a vote for the party is much more than just a vote against the government. As far as I'm concerned it's also a vote against gypsies.

(heavy breathing, followed by sleazy voice) Last night I went to see 'Les Mis'. I found the title to be disappointingly, indeed deflatingly, misleading.

Why are Paris Saint Germain going to offer Ronaldo 130 million pounds to lure him from Madrid. A mirrored horse box would do the job just as well.

It was reassuring to hear Emeritus Pope Benedict's say he won't be abandoning the cross. But isn't Nigel Farage speaking for them these days?

Blyton Newslines

Tory chairman and all-round rotter Grant Schapps has revealed his strategy for winning the next general election. In marginal seats across the country he plans to cast a vote under each one of his dodgy aliases.

Golden girl Jessica Ennis has been granted the freedom of Sheffield. The largely ceremonial civic honour entitles her within the city confines to graze sheep, wear ermine, and shoot Nick Clegg on sight.

BLYTON NEWS

Here on Kirrin Island we think all this class calculator business is a nothing but a load of fizz in a ginger beer bottle; therefore the Famous Five will have to carry on counting on their fingers for the foreseeable future.

Intros:
Dozens of Palestinian prisoners have fathered children after having their sperm smuggled out of prison. So effective is the practice that one prisoner, concerned at being too young for fatherhood, has also had a condom smuggled out.

An MP has been forced to donate over £15,000 to comic relief after naively pledging £1 for every retweet. Supreme Leader Smith made the same pledge and will be donating his £7 later this week.

ABBA's Agnetha Faltskog has come out of retirement after 31 years. Music fans hope that the story will inspire X-Factor's Chico to do the same...ensuring another 24 years before he releases another single.

Scientists have managed to grow teeth from gum cells. Although the technology is still in the experimental stage one overjoyed recipient exclaimed that it was "hrmph phrump schstumple"

Introductions

Joss Stone has been in court to give evidence at an attempted murder plot against her. She says she's dramatically increased security at her home since the attempt. Anyone breaking into her home now will be faced with the new Justin Bieber single on a loop.

KWITTER

Tiger Woods has revealed on facebook he's in a relationship with downhill skier Lindsay Vonn. I thought he'd been going downhill since 2009 when his wife caught him cheating?! #bunkered

Comedian Lee Nelson was arrested for entering the pitch and warming-up with Manchester City players. How did they differentiate him from all the other jokers wearing a City shirt? #secondisfirstloser

I'm so glad Kirren Island is to remain under control of Britain. As long as we don't get a visit from Boris Johnson. #sinkingship

In an effort to combat soaring obesity rates in children Kirrin Council has agreed make food and cookery lessons compulsory in schools for the first time. Pupils will have to learn about nutrition and where food comes from...
that's Romania via Holland via Luxembourg via France via Poland via Ireland...

The horsemeat scandal rumbles on, the latest stories:
- Kirrin Island has lost its Triple Hay-Rating.
- Random tests on meat continue; today Environmental Health Inspectors from Kirrin Council will be challenging a pork chop to memorise a Shakespearean sonnet and a leg of lamb to parallel-park a Volvo estate.
- On the plus side there's been strong competition among the island's supermarkets to sponsor this Saturday's inaugural Kirrin Island Grand National horse race. Kescos eventually winning the bid after promising to supply their own large blue tent, trailer & winch.

KWITTER
<Posh but quite dim voice>
George Osborne <Kirrin Island chancellor?> says what happened to Cyprus banks couldn't happen here on Kirrin Island, but I don't trust him!
So today I've already withdrawn exactly 10% of my savings and moved them to a helpful Nigerian bank, which emailed me just this morning! #onestepahead

Yeah I still don't know for certain where to fit some of these, but here's some musings on the past few days stories.

Probably Intros

Recently the British Chambers of Commerce said that the UK should avoid a triple dip recession. We've at least 2 more dips before we're due to recover.

A tory MP who tweeted a link to online porn instead of to a discussion of benefit cuts has apologised. The mistake wasn't spotted at first as both the pornography and benefit cuts featured ordinary people being thoroughly taken advantage of.
(overpronounce the opening F-sound of 'thoroughly' for added misdirection)

A recent study has shown that Shakespeare's plays were heavily influenced by his concerns about food and hunger. Some of the Bard's concerns eerily echo those of modern day Britain, such as when Richard III hungrily calls out "A cow, a cow. My kingdom for a cow."

A HSE report says that many people use bogus health and safety bans to avoid doing things they don't want to do. We'd have loved to have more on that story but can't read the full report due to the risk of papercuts. Grrr - Health and safety. What can you do?

This week it was announced that David Cameron's technology advisor has quit. He actually quit several weeks ago but it took til now for the PM to access email by himself.

A new report has said that Britain now has seven social classes. Although that still leaves the vast majority of classes as 'unsocial, scary places' said a spokesman for the National Union of Teachers.

(EDIT: Though I guess that last one might work better for KI as "A new report has said that Kirrin Island now has seven social classes. Although that still leaves the vast majority of classes as 'unsocial, scary places' said a spokesman for KI Comprehensive.")

Maybe KWITTER

I fully support the NUT criticising Gove's 'pub quiz facts' approach to the school curriculum. They'll never make media studies that useful.

Intro:

The Right Honorable Member for Kirrin Island was left red faced when he accidentally posted a link to a political party website on Kwitter instead of the appropriate X-rated video link in response to the question "What's your favourite porn video?" I guess I'll never find out.

Intro:

To get the public on-side with cuts to benefit payments, the government have shifted their use of language away from terms like social security, which imply a right and a safety net, to welfare, implying a charity handout. Here on Kirrin Island we've never had that problem, always referring to benefits as scum bungs.

Kwitter:

Eric Pickles has warned Councils against using gagging orders attached to pay-offs for departing staff, even though the practice is rife in Whitehall. To be fair, it's hard to think about government policy without gagging.

I'm angry about Paolo di Canio's appointment as Sunderland manager. I know he said he isn't a racist and doesn't hate anyone. But honestly, what kind of Sunderland manager doesn't hate Newcastle? #WhyAye(AmNotAFascist)

Julian Assange is planning to stand for the Australian senate. Well, Aussie politicians, your secrets may no longer be safe. Same goes for your daughters.

I signed the petition to get Iain Duncan Smith to live on £53 per week. Then they cut my benefits because I was messing around with petitions when I should have been looking for work. #BenefitsTrap

Enid Blyton News:

Poor old David Cameron not knowing whether Boris or Teresa are going to challenge him for the leadership. If he'd paid any attention to the Famous Five here on Kirrin Island, he'd know jolly well that he just needs to hide in a wardrobe and they'll reveal all their plans in convenient detail.

INTROS

The latest food mislabelling scandal has struck Kirrin Island's fish markets with some fish pies being found to contain up to 60% seahorse.

The appointment of Paolo Di Canio as Sunderland manager drew criticism from some quarters as they expressed concerns about his tendency to focus too heavily on the right wing.

Michael Jackson's family are to sue concert promoter, AEG Live, for its part in the King of Pop's death in apparent attempt to Blame It On The Boogie.

KWITTER

That female police officer is crazy if she thinks she can sue a garage owner because of her own clumsiness #PCGoneMad

Not feeling very optimistic about the storage on my new Google Glass, I've only had it a week and it's already half full.

I was worried about this bedroom tax because we have seven. Then I realised it only affected poor people #TimeToBuildAnotherWing

It makes sense for airlines to charge heavier passengers more. Other industries should do it too #EconomiesOfScales

Doris and I think that our grandson spends too much time in the virtual world, so this year we surprised him with a home made Easter Egg. If he hits 'control S' while playing Ghost Recon Online, he gets hyperlinked to our swingers' blog.

As tension rises on the island, intelligence reports have revealed that Democratic People's Republic of North Kirrin may have a missile capable of reaching any part of the South within one minute - it's a Frisbee.

(Porn voice) Ian Duncan Smith couldn't live on £53 a week. I charge him 250 (FX- WHIPLASH)

I wish Ian Duncan Smith would live on £53 a week. The money we would save on his salary could fund 50 new benefit claimants. I hate my job.

And there was a big hello to all the migrant workers on the island from the new manager of Kirrin Philanderers FC ... was that a hello? I guess it was sort of a wave ...

A judicial review has been launched into use of Police cautions. A Police spokesman said that we did not have to report this story, but anything we did report might later be used against us or make us slip on the stairs.

Following Eric Pickles' warning to councils against using gagging clauses to pay ex staff for silence, Kirrin Town Council has issued a strenuous denial. 'We have never made gagging payments' said cross-dressing council spokesman Phil Columns - should have paid up while you had the chance, Phil.

Kirrin Island pornographer Ron Possetburglar has apologised after accidently linking to a political blog on one of his tweets. He told fans: 'I know porn doesn't have the best reputation, but I would never participate in something as low and immoral as British politics.'

Britons have been reclassified into 7 new social classes, none of which is 'weird inbreds' - making Kirrin Island Britian's first classless society!