Well, they're not all the best and a couple have been recycled but here's half a dozen topical gags I knocked out tonight. I'll be sending the majority to NR and Treason, I suppose:
John McCain edged closer to the White House after huge wins in the Super Tuesday elections. He shouldn’t be too pleased with himself: most of the voters are still confused that the French fries they ordered at the polling booths haven’t arrived yet.
Two men have been accused of swindling sports fans out of thousands of pounds by selling forged signatures of David Beckham, Michael Owen and Sir Alex Ferguson. When asked how they would pay their legal fees, the duo replied: “We have cheques signed by David Beckham, Michael Owen and Sir Alex Ferguson.”
Labour MP Madeleine Moon has called for the Welsh suicide rate to be investigated, saying: "For some reason it is significantly higher than in England". That reason being that Welsh people live in Wales.
A legal loophole has been closed which allowed prison inmates to claim hundreds of thousands of pounds in student grants and loans. “The accommodation’s shit, I blew the whole loan on fags and booze, and still got rogered every other day” said one Oxford University graduate.
A 12-year-old boy has been arrested after a Kent school suffered a pepper-spray attack. A police spokesman said: "Clearly a lot of gas has affected some of the pupils." Their first suspect, the school dinner lady, has been released without charge.
Despite harsh new laws for motorists, drivers who kill someone while behind the wheel could still avoid jail if they claim to have been ‘momentarily distracted’. Good news for any taxi driver with a grudge and bad news for Jade Goody.
