Recently I had the misfortune to become really ill and depressed with a combination of work-stress burn-out, double influenza, and a lung infection so I was put on antibiotics and told to stay in bed for a week.
It was quite dull lying in bed on my own and I decided, as you do, to resort to a 'hand-shandy' to pass the time. To my surprise, however, for the first time in my life, I was so weak with illness that even my favourite internet porn search for "marigold milfs" did not persuade my little soldier to stand to attention, as it were.
I was brought up to believe that there is nothing wrong with masturbation. Come on, let's face it, most chaps have a 'sherman tank' now and again, especially when their other halves are unavailable or circumstances make it necessary to 'clear the custard', say, after a watching Countdown for a few days in a row. As long as you stick to the privacy of your own room and don't over-do it, nothing bad is going to happen to you. I am sure it is even made part of the roster if you are a sailor in the merchant navy (an experienced harbour pilot once told me the secret of mastering seamanship is to have a 'really good tug').
Anyway I was quite shocked by this unprecedented situation that faced me, I had the right visual imagery and a box of tissues at the ready but I just couldn't raise the energy to go through with it.
When I mentioned it to my best mate later on that day, he asked why I hadn't phoned him earlier so that he could have come round and given me a hand.
Ok, I know what you are thinking; but I'm no 'Tommy two-ways'. No, not at all! Neither is my mate.
One day, on our respective journey's to work, my mate and I had been speculating over how masturbation could be made into more of an exciting contest for us chaps. It was at this time that we came up with the idea that one of us could present the other with a choice from a number of pairs of mystery used panties from the laundry basket at our respective houses. A pair would then be chosen by the 'contestant' who would take them into the bathroom along with their mobile phone. The idea being that just as the contestant gets to the point of no-return, the challenger would text the name of the female who owned said panties through to the contestant. The winning point is then achieved if the contestant can continue to finish off, given that, a bit like Russian roulette, you might end up receiving the "Nana's" text and have to abort the operation.
