Two scenes....which is funnier?

Doing a little sitcom scene and wrote one scene, then re-wrote it and now not sure which i prefer.

Curious as to your thoughts as I find it interesting to see how a similar thing can be funny - or not - when revised.

James has been giving someone tips on how to develop her house. He is now arguing over what he said with his mate, Mark

Option A

JAMES
Come on. The things I told her about reducing labour costs? That would save her a fortune next time.

MARK
I don’t know. The thing about getting travellers in to do her driveway. She didn't like that.

JAMES
They block paved MY drive at the old house.

MARK:
You had to get it replaced.

JAMES:
It would have lasted a good six months. Ample time to sell this place.

MARK:
I thought you had guys in after a week to rip it up? You said the papers got involved and everything.

JAMES:
That was more to do with the business park taking back the bricks (BEAT) which was petty as they would have been insured.

MARK:
You should have told Sam all this. Your advice sounds so much better now.

JAMES:
I told her of the possible pitfalls. The "eyes wide open" stuff, i made that clear.

MARK
It was clear. I was also probably borderline Xenophobic.

JAMES
I’m not scared of these people. (BEAT) I’m scared of bad service. I’m Xena-workmanship standards- phobic.

Option B

JAMES
Come on. The things I told her about reducing labour costs? That could save her a fortune.

MARK
I don’t know. She didn't seem too keen on getting travellers in to do her driveway.

JAMES
They did MY drive at the old house.

MARK:
And it fell to bits after three weeks.

JAMES:
Well, she'll just have to tell the estate agent to get his finger out. A quick sale. In and out. That's the way to do it. (PAUSE) Anyway, it was only an idea if she starts to struggle cashwise.

MARK:
Not one of your best.

JAMES:
I know. If travellers came anywhere near my house nowadays, I'd dial 999. I told her that.

MARK
I know. You came across as borderline Xenophobic.

JAMES
I’m not scared of these people. (BEAT) I’m scared of bad service. I’m Xena-workmanship standards- phobic.

First one is funnier.

Second felt a bit amateur, with an amateur turn of phrase.

"You had to get it replaced." to "And it fell to bits after three weeks." Second just feels a bit clunky.

I read them both twice and I didn't get either, sorry.
To be fair thought it could be because it's a British thing. I didn't understand the term "travelers", I'm guessing you mean tourists or either immigrants.

travellers are people that roll up at your local park, make a mess while they camp there for 3 weeks until the police can get them to shift. Meanwhile their children steal ever bicycle in a 10 mile radius and the parents earn a living by block paving the drive of anyone too stupid to say no.

in the words of a baddie from Snatch. I hate effin pikeys

I thought the second was better but neither struck me as gag-filled. I don't think the last line works - I can't imagine it ever being said.

I don't claim to 'know' the characters in this series but to the limited extent that I DO know them, I'm absolutely certain that the last line would trip very naturally off James's tongue.

Which is better? I shall keep my own counsel for a short while.

I liked the first one better

Quote: Badge @ February 7, 2008, 6:09 PM

I don't think the last line works - I can't imagine it ever being said.

View original

my plan B last line was -

MARK
I know. She said you were borderline Xenophobic.

JAMES
Rubbish. I have no irrational fear, my nightmares are soaring interest rates, global recession (BEAT) a plane crash over mountains.

MARK
I thought you had a clown thing?

JAMES
That's mimes.

ACTS OUT A STUCK IN A BOX MIME AND SHUDDERS AT THE THOUGHT.

I liked option A, but preferred the plan B last line.

I like Plan B!

Option A

I liked option A better. And the clown/mime thing.

Quote: Curt @ February 7, 2008, 6:03 PM

I read them both twice and I didn't get either, sorry.
To be fair thought it could be because it's a British thing. I didn't understand the term "travelers", I'm guessing you mean tourists or either immigrants.

View original

Travellers are Gypsies, Pykies - you know politically incorrect.

And really I didn't think either was that funny. Sorry.

Quote: David Chapman @ February 7, 2008, 8:13 PM

Travellers are Gypsies, Pykies - you know politically incorrect.

And really I didn't think either was that funny. Sorry.

View original

or trailer trash

Thanks, going with this version i think. Based on the above comments.

INT – DINING ROOM – 30 MINS LATER

JAMES AND MARK ARE STOOD IN THE CORNER OF THE ROOM, ARGUING ABOUT THE TOUR OF THE HOUSE.

JAMES
Come on. The things I told her about reducing labour costs? That would save her a fortune next time.

MARK
I don’t know. The thing about getting travellers in to do her driveway. She didn't like that.

JAMES
They block paved MY drive at the old house.

MARK:
You had to get it replaced.

JAMES:
It would have lasted a good six months. Ample time to sell this place.

MARK:
I thought you had guys in after a week to rip it up? You said the papers got involved and everything.

JAMES:
That was more to do with the business park taking back the bricks (BEAT) which was petty as they would have been insured.

MARK:
You should have told Sam all this. Your advice sounds so much better now.

JAMES:
I told her of the possible pitfalls. "eyes wide open" I said, I made that clear.

MARK
It was clear. She said it was borderline Xenophobic.

JAMES
Rubbish. I have no irrational fear, my nightmares are soaring interest rates, global recession (BEAT) a plane crash over mountains.

MARK
I thought you had a clown thing?

JAMES
That's mimes.

ACTS OUT A STUCK IN A BOX MIME AND SHUDDERS AT THE THOUGHT.

MARK
Whatever. Just be careful what you say.

JAMES
Is she going to get this speech? It’s ok to say Poles and Pikies as long as your sticking up for them is it?

MARK
You said Pikies. And she just said she had worked with Poles before.

JAMES
You realise she was talking about cheap labour from Europe.

MARK
Yes. Polish labour.

JAMES
Ahhh. (PAUSE) Ok, thats not offensive.