Extra Cold

8.30PM INT. PUB

MAN WALKS UP TO THE BAR AND PONDERS HIS CHOICE OF BEER

MAN
Erm, I’ll have a pint of (PAUSE) Carlingsberg please

BAR MAID
Carlingsberg, would you like normal, a bit cooler, extra cool,
or new super cool?

MAN
Oh, er, I’ll have (PAUSE) the new super cool please

BAR MAID
One pint of super cool

THE BAR MAID WALKS OFF. CAMERA FOCUS’S ON THE EXPECTANT CUSTOMER. BAR MAID RETURNS WEARING A THERMAL GLOVE HOLDING A PINT OF FROZEN BEER.

BARMAID
£7.50 please

MAN
What? That’s a bit steep, £7.50 for a pint.

BARMAID
(LOOKS AT HIM LIKE HE’S AN IDIOT)
It comes with a free glove

THE END

OR AS AN ALTERNATIVE ENDING

BARMAID
£7.50 please

MAN
What? That’s a bit steep, £7.50 for a pint.

BARMAID
(LOOKS AT HIM LIKE HE’S AN IDIOT)
It comes with a free glove

MAN TURNS AROUND TO SEE OTHER MEN IN THE PUB WITH GLOVES ON WAITING FOR THEIR PINT TO THAW

THE END

OR...

1. INT. NORTH YORKSHIRE COUNTRY PUB. NIGHT.

A BUSY NORTH YORKSHIRE MOORS PUB WITH ROUGH-LOOKING REGULARS - A LOT LIKE "AMERICAN WEREWOLF'S" SLAUGHTERED LAMB. TWO AMERICAN BACKPACKERS ENTER AND APPROACH THE BAR.

A STERN-LOOKING BARMAID ADDRESSES THEM.

BARMAID:
Reet lads, what can I get you?

BACKPACKER 1:
Ummm, I'll have a pint please.

BACKPACKER 2:
Yeah, that sounds good. Same for me, thanks.

BARMAID:
Reet, two Carlingsberg lagers, would you like chilled, extra chilled, or new Super Penguin's Arse Chilled ?

BACKPACKER 2:
Ummm actually...do you have any Real Ale?

SUDDENLY, ALL FALLS SILENT. THE JUKEBOX STOPS PLAYING. A MAN PLAYING DARTS MISSES HIS SHOT. ALL EYES ARE ON THE BACKPACKERS. A BALD MAN STEPS FORWARD AND POINTS AT THEM ACCUSINGLY.

BALD MAN:
What did you say?

BACKPACKER 1:
(NERVOUSLY) Umm...real ale? We heard...it's popular in Northern England, didn't we?

BACKPACKER 2:
Yeah.

BALD MAN:
We don't sup that muck round here, lad. Nay, not any more. We've moved on. We're sophisticated now, aren't we Bob?

HIS FRIEND BOB RAISES HIS PINT OF LAGER AND ADJUSTS HIS PINKIE FINGER SO IT'S STICKING OUT.

BOB:
Aye. Susfisticated.

BARMAID:
Leave 'em be Harry. They're just bairns. They know no better. Here lads. (PUTS TWO PINTS OF LAGER ON THE BAR)Two pints of extra chilled. Now will there be anything else?

BACKPACKER 1:
Ummm...do you do pork scratchings?

SUDDENLY ALL FALLS SILENT AGAIN. THE DARTS PLAYER MISSES AGAIN, BUT THIS TIME THE DART STICKS IN THE HEAD OF ONE OF THE REGULARS. HE DOESN'T NOTICE.

BALD MAN:
(INCREDULOUSLY) Pork scratchings? What do you take us for, eh? There's not been a scratchin' of swine that's passed our lips these last 5 years. It's canapes now, lad. Canapes and...erm...

BOB:
Twiglets?

BALD MAN:
Nay, not Twiglets. They're in't same social class as scratchings. Lower even.

ANOTHER REGULAR (ELY):
Pickled eggs?

BALD MAN:
Wash thy gob out, Ely!

ELY:
But I like pickled eggs.

BOB:
Aye, and them peanuts where you have to keep buyin' 'em to uncover the ladies' tits.

EVERYONE IS IN AGREEMENT, EXCEPT THE BALD MAN.

BALD MAN:
Silence! (TO THE BACKPACKERS, QUIETLY FURIOUS) Now look what you've done. You've set us back years. We were reet fookin' posh until you came. Go on, get out. There's nowt for you here.

THE BACKPACKERS LOOK AT THE BARMAID FOR SUPPORT.

BARMAID:
I'm sorry lads. Best you go.

THEY GET UP AND WALK TOWARDS THE DOOR. WE HEAR EERIE HOWLS FROM OUTSIDE.

BACKPACKER 1:
Was that...a werewolf?

BALD GUY:
Nay lad. Just the corgis.

END SKETCH

I liked them both - even though I hate cold beer.

Cheers guys.... not quite sure which you preferred Perry but thanks for the input....

Maybe I should get copyright on 'Carlingsberg'......what with the credit crunch and folks houses being reposessed, a cheap as chips beer brand coming in under the £1.80 a pint would go down a treat.

I liked this Martin. It highlights a stupid trend in drinking to colder is better.

Yes I liked it too Martin.

How have we managed for so long without super cooled lagers. I know it refers to the brewing process rather than the serving temperature but to me it's all just more marketing smoke and mirrors and Carlsberg normal tastes the same as the super cooled one.

Nice sketch

Quote: Perry Nium @ February 7, 2008, 5:04 PM

OR...

1. INT. NORTH YORKSHIRE COUNTRY PUB. NIGHT.

A BUSY NORTH YORKSHIRE MOORS PUB WITH ROUGH-LOOKING REGULARS - A LOT LIKE "AMERICAN WEREWOLF'S" SLAUGHTERED LAMB. TWO AMERICAN BACKPACKERS ENTER AND APPROACH THE BAR.

A STERN-LOOKING BARMAID ADDRESSES THEM.

BARMAID:
Reet lads, what can I get you?

BACKPACKER 1:
Ummm, I'll have a pint please.

BACKPACKER 2:
Yeah, that sounds good. Same for me, thanks.

BARMAID:
Reet, two Carlingsberg lagers, would you like chilled, extra chilled, or new Super Penguin's Arse Chilled ?

BACKPACKER 2:
Ummm actually...do you have any Real Ale?

SUDDENLY, ALL FALLS SILENT. THE JUKEBOX STOPS PLAYING. A MAN PLAYING DARTS MISSES HIS SHOT. ALL EYES ARE ON THE BACKPACKERS. A BALD MAN STEPS FORWARD AND POINTS AT THEM ACCUSINGLY.

BALD MAN:
What did you say?

BACKPACKER 1:
(NERVOUSLY) Umm...real ale? We heard...it's popular in Northern England, didn't we?

BACKPACKER 2:
Yeah.

BALD MAN:
We don't sup that muck round here, lad. Nay, not any more. We've moved on. We're sophisticated now, aren't we Bob?

HIS FRIEND BOB RAISES HIS PINT OF LAGER AND ADJUSTS HIS PINKIE FINGER SO IT'S STICKING OUT.

BOB:
Aye. Susfisticated.

BARMAID:
Leave 'em be Harry. They're just bairns. They know no better. Here lads. (PUTS TWO PINTS OF LAGER ON THE BAR)Two pints of extra chilled. Now will there be anything else?

BACKPACKER 1:
Ummm...do you do pork scratchings?

SUDDENLY ALL FALLS SILENT AGAIN. THE DARTS PLAYER MISSES AGAIN, BUT THIS TIME THE DART STICKS IN THE HEAD OF ONE OF THE REGULARS. HE DOESN'T NOTICE.

BALD MAN:
(INCREDULOUSLY) Pork scratchings? What do you take us for, eh? There's not been a scratchin' of swine that's passed our lips these last 5 years. It's canapes now, lad. Canapes and...erm...

BOB:
Twiglets?

BALD MAN:
Nay, not Twiglets. They're in't same social class as scratchings. Lower even.

ANOTHER REGULAR (ELY):
Pickled eggs?

BALD MAN:
Wash thy gob out, Ely!

ELY:
But I like pickled eggs.

BOB:
Aye, and them peanuts where you have to keep buyin' 'em to uncover the ladies' tits.

EVERYONE IS IN AGREEMENT, EXCEPT THE BALD MAN.

BALD MAN:
Silence! (TO THE BACKPACKERS, QUIETLY FURIOUS) Now look what you've done. You've set us back years. We were reet fookin' posh until you came. Go on, get out. There's nowt for you here.

THE BACKPACKERS LOOK AT THE BARMAID FOR SUPPORT.

BARMAID:
I'm sorry lads. Best you go.

THEY GET UP AND WALK TOWARDS THE DOOR. WE hear "Every body got to learn sometime,"

BACKPACKER 1:
Was that...a werewolf?

BALD GUY:
Nay lad. Just the corgis.

END SKETCH

View original

Quote: Blenkinsop @ February 8, 2008, 10:46 AM

Yes I liked it too Martin.

How have we managed for so long without super cooled lagers. I know it refers to the brewing process rather than the serving temperature but to me it's all just more marketing smoke and mirrors and Carlsberg normal tastes the same as the super cooled one.

Nice sketch

View original

Yes Blenkinsop 'ice' beers are filtered in the brewing process (using ice crystals in some way I think) but things like Guiness extra cold, Carling cold are actually served colder...brrrrrrr

Thanks for the input folks...Just how cold will Lager get? Will the word turbo appear at some point too? 'Turbo chilled for extra refreshment'

I'm going to use my alt ending just because I can.

Lager in this country generally tastes of pish or chemicals anyway and i don't feel old enough to order the tasty stuff (that gives you a real bad head)from the big pump when I'm out with the missus.

I thought this was great. My mates own a pub & I used to work behind the bar. Brought back memories. Good One!!

mmmmmm Charley

No not the Columbian drug.........Our very own stimulant.

The missus was at her friends so I had 6 pints of Timothy Taylor....thats pretty pissed for 12 quid...mmmm bitter, yes it is.

peace

x