Penultimate scene from my sitcom pilot

This is the last but one scene. Just curious if i was loosing my mind towards the end and maybe this is shows in the writing?

James is presenting a sort of cheap Property Ladder style show where he helps a house developer. In this instance the help wasn't wanted so he was kicked out. He's still dragged an estate agent along to tell him his ideas were great.

Neil is the agent, Mark the Director, Adam is the camera man.

EXT – STREET – DAY

JAMES IS STOOD WITH NEIL

JAMES
Neil, we’ve given you a tour of the development and you’ve had a chance to cast your expert eye over it, what are your first thoughts?

NEIL
Are you certain they won’t let us in?

JAMES
Not as such. (BEAT) That aside?

NEIL
I’d say it’s all been done to a high standard. It’s a popular area and a nice street. Once it’s finished I’d expect it to sell quite easily.

JAMES
Might people be put off as the developer is woman?

NEIL
I doubt it.

JAMES
Ok, i think we need to read between the lines there.

NEIL
Not really.

JAMES
It's ok, I see what your trying to say. Very tactfull. Now what about those ideas I ran past you?

NEIL CHUCKLES, THINKING IT’S A JOKE. THEN REALISES JAMES IS SERIOUS

NEIL
Oh (BEAT) right. Um, yeah. They are interesting. I’m not sure if they would add to the value as such. I mean, things like a games room are great but you’re limited with space here. Same applies to the bar area.

JAMES
Bar’s in the games room.

NEIL
Ok.

JAMES
Some sort of extension to house that then? That’s the way forward there. Now how about decking. I was thinking of maybe an oval structure that tapers at its furthest point. That would draw the eye down the full length of the garden, creating the illusion of architectural ecology. I’d actually have the decking start inside the house to transcend the division between internal area and external areas, unifying the home.

NEIL
Um, that sounds (BEAT) interesting.

JAMES
I have a plan.

JAMES HANDS NEIL HIS PLAN ON A SHEET OF A4

NEIL
This is a print out from the Grand Designs website.

JAMES
That was just a template.

NEIL (POINTING TO THE TEXT)
It’s geometry. Architectural geometry. (BEAT) I think you said ecology?

JAMES
Look at the design.

NEIL
You’ve drawn a pond on the deck

JAMES
That wasn’t on the original plan, I added that pond. Its ornamental.

NEIL
Is that supposed to be a dolphin?

JAMES
It’s a shark (BEAT) I was doodling, its not to scale. Ignore that, do you like my idea?

NEIL
It looks fine.

NEIL FLIPS THE PAGE OVER

NEIL
What’s this?

JAMES
It’s a security system. I want cameras at those points.

NEIL
The CCTV stuff is nice but again it doesn’t tend to add to the value. To be honest, a lot of these things are personal touches which are a bit of a mistake in developing for a profit.

JAMES
Not a mistake when a gang comes prowling at 3am.

NEIL
Yeah. That doesn’t happen much in Wokingham though. We get the odd burglary but we don’t see much gang violence. (CHUCKLES)

JAMES
I’d like to see you fight them off with statistics.

MARK (O.S)
Ok. Neil, thanks for your time. I think we’re about done.

JAMES
I think he’ll be done when the hoddies show up unannounced.

MARK COMES IN SHOT TO UNHOOK NEIL’S MIC

MARK
He’ll be fine. He can hit them with a frying pan.

JAMES
It’s not Tom and Jerry. It’s the middle of the night and he’s got crack head rapists kicking in his door.

ADAM (O.S)
They want to rape him.

NEIL
I’m getting raped?

JAMES
Jesus. No ones raping anyone.

ADAM (O.S)
What do they want then?

MARK
It doesn’t matter. (PAUSE) Drug deal gone wrong.

JAMES (PANICED)
Whooo. I don’t deal drugs.

MARK
You’re on camera dude, its drugs or rape. I’m trying to help you out.

NEIL
Can it be a dispute over parking?

MARK
No ones smashing in your door over parking.

NEIL
Well ok, but its just a little weed they’re after. Nothing heavy.

JAMES
For someone with so much to fear you seem very blasé about security. That’s all I’m saying. (PAUSE) and you show me a buyer that can resist a games room and I’ll show you someone that needs to get a life.

CUT

Didn't like the first half, especially James explaining his ideas for decking etc... For me, it picked up a lot from the CCTV stuff.

I agree with Fran. The first half made me think "this really doesn't have legs" - it seemed quite repetitve and uninspired - but the second half was very funny. Can't get The Office out my head though!

have to admit i liked the "Are you certain they won’t let us in?" line, placed where it was.

i aggree it may waffle a bit after that.

the office thing is interesting - James, is it always in your head or do you see it here? if so, where?

although, is it a problem - i assume people saw People Like Us in The Ofice....or is it that The Office is so big that EVERYone will see it as opposed to only 10% of The Office viewers even knowing who Roy Mallard was?

The longwinded decking speech is to set up the gag that he ripped it off a webbsite - maybe that could have been done slicker.

I'd miss that out entirely...go from NEILk...SIMON: I have a plan. Just my opinion...for some reason I have Simon as Ben Miller, dunno why

Really enjoyed the second half of it though, and the earlier scenes you put up.

Quote: Fran @ February 7, 2008, 1:06 AM

I'd miss that out entirely...go from NEILk...SIMON: I have a plan. Just my opinion...for some reason I have Simon as Ben Miller, dunno why

Really enjoyed the second half of it though, and the earlier scenes you put up.

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Who the hell is Simon?

...maybe he turns up later

lol - simon is james. he was simon, but he's now james....live with it ;0

Re-wrote the first half. But not sure if i dont prefer the original!

EXT – STREET – DAY

JAMES IS STOOD WITH NEIL

JAMES
Neil, we’ve given you a tour of the development and you’ve had a chance to cast your expert eye over it, what are your first thoughts?

NEIL
Are you certain they won’t let us in?

JAMES
Not as such. (BEAT) That aside?

NEIL
I’d say it’s all been done to a high standard. It’s a popular area and a nice street. Once it’s finished I’d expect it to sell quite easily.

JAMES
Well, dont rush to an expectation yet. Lets discuss the ideas I ran past you?

NEIL CHUCKLES, THINKING IT’S A JOKE. THEN REALISES JAMES IS SERIOUS

NEIL
Oh (BEAT) right. Um, yeah. They are interesting. I’m not sure if they would add to the value in a monetary sense. I mean, things like a games room are great but you’re limited with space here. Same applies to the bar area.

JAMES
Bar’s in the games room.

NEIL
Um, Ok.

JAMES
Some sort of extension to house that then? Good. Now how about the landscaping. I'm thinking decking. Done right it can be a stunning blend of architectural ecology.

NEIL
Um, that sounds (BEAT) interesting.

JAMES
I have a plan i've drawn.

JAMES HANDS NEIL HIS PLAN ON A SHEET OF A4

NEIL
This is a print out from the Ground Force website.

JAMES
That was just a template. I had to add to that.

NEIL (POINTING TO THE TEXT)
It’s geometry. Architectural geometry. (BEAT) I think you said ecology?

JAMES
Look at my design though.

NEIL
You’ve drawn a pond, i think.

JAMES
It's a water feature. That wasn’t on the template, that's my idea.

NEIL
Is that supposed to be a dolphin?

JAMES
Ok, someones been messing about. The pond is only 6ft accross, thats not to scale or anything.

NEIL FLIPS THE PAGE OVER

I didn't say it wasn't funny as such, I just thought that that first half showcased to me that the idea needs something else... some sort of plot...? Some notably different scenario? I wasn't distracted by huge laughs for a while and noticed. It seemed to be getting a bit repetitive with the whole "two idiots trying to make a film playing off a bemused straightman". It doesn't seem to be going anywhere. What is the plot? May be just me forgetting because it's been posted piecemeal.

The style of humour, the way the humour is paced and the relationships between the characters is spookily like The Office; that's just the way it is - I'm sure I could post up an Office scene with an incredibly similar 'feel' to it - and the sitcom seems like a very strange creature to me as a result.

(And I do think the Ground Force/Grand Designs decking joke is better as the long version... I'd be wary of making knee-jerk changes to a script after anything anyone says on here, let alone only 2 people!)

Quote: Chimes of Freedom @ February 7, 2008, 12:47 AM

James is an intelligent man (I'm serious)

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I'll put you as one of my references.

Well I hated The Office but really like this (am commenting based on the previous scenes as well) so am struggling to see the comparisons. Yes its docu-style,but in a different way entirely.The characters are sound,the interplay and dialogue are nice-it could fall or soar on casting but this is good writing.Just dont let Gervais play the James character

I'll just add my little comment. This is good writing, in fact very good. Humour wise I think its has nice moments but nothing that makes me go wow or even laugh. I think James is correct in his office analogy as a large amount dialogue is trying to dig themselves of the verbal holes they've caused and this started to annoy me a lot by the time they used it again in extras. I just was thinking "Why the hell would you say that!". I guess the whole plot is some sort of drug thing, which doesn't really seem that strong. Then again there are sitcoms with no plot whatsoever, I guess I'm just a traditionalist (Perhaps you could add a bit where James loses his trousers when the vicar comes)

Quote: niteowl @ February 7, 2008, 2:43 AM

Well I hated The Office but really like this (am commenting based on the previous scenes as well) so am struggling to see the comparisons. Yes its docu-style,but in a different way entirely.The characters are sound,the interplay and dialogue are nice-it could fall or soar on casting but this is good writing.Just dont let Gervais play the James character

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thanks. hopefully the idea of BEING the documentary makers is enough of a step away from The Office. I've always watched things like Kitchen Nightmares/ Wife Swap and just felt it looks so set up...you just know a producer is winding up the people on the show to create good TV then just edits it together to appear most dramatic. I thought the idea of that is what sparked this.

and hopefully James is nothing like Brent. James is actually quite good, he made a lot money for the bank so he basis his "know it all" attitude on some foundation - but in the same way that you can be an expert as long as you know 5% more than your audience.....he now knows 5% less than the people he is dealing with outside his bank role. Compounding this Mark is trying to spice it all up because he believes thats what will sell. He watches You Been Framed ahead of Panorama.

Quote: Rob B @ February 7, 2008, 9:13 AM

I just was thinking "Why the hell would you say that!".

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Interesting, and i agree - but do you see that in my work (re-write and original 2nd half) I thought it played quite naturally. It only turns surreal when james gets pissed that his ideas have been called a mistake so he turns on neil - whos obviously not happy that his first TV appearance is now laced with drug and sex references.....and Mark is just trying to appease everyone and wrap it up (Adam's a donkey but hey, its a sitcom!)

Quote: M Lewis @ February 7, 2008, 10:54 AM

Interesting, and i agree - but do you see that in my work (re-write and original 2nd half) I thought it played quite naturally. It only turns surreal when james gets pissed that his ideas have been called a mistake so he turns on neil - whos obviously not happy that his first TV appearance is now laced with drug and sex references.....and Mark is just trying to appease everyone and wrap it up (Adam's a donkey but hey, its a sitcom!)

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Whatever the reason I still feel if over used it would just annoy me. Would you work with somebody that constantly dropped you in it. It's almost like a role reversal of the Damien Day / camerman relationship on Drop the Dead Donkey.

I do like the idea though and think it has legs. The dialog is spot on for the docu-comedy genre, and is far better than most of the stuff we see on TV. So basically well done

Quote: Rob B @ February 7, 2008, 1:01 PM

Would you work with somebody that constantly dropped you in it.

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No, but who'd work for David Brent, or employee Chandler Bing, marry Del Boy, or stay at Fawlty Towers?

I agree it must get old too quick. Episode 2 and James is ASKED for help so it from a very different angle...although he's still the same guy of course.

Don't reveal TOO much about the plots or the characters.

There might be some thieving bastards about.

I suppose - but a vague plot direction alone is not much to nick. And i did like Bush Baby suggested and posted a copy of the script to my solicitors office for him to keep sealed.

(should add - its my corporate lawyer who i use for my companies legal work....point being, i didn't just rush out and appoint someone for this iffy script in case anyone thought that was a little excessive!)