Thought I'd start a new thread for this series. here are mine
Introductions
Conservationists are worried that the falling numbers in hedgehogs is not being taken seriously - when I say "falling" I mean tucking themselves up into a cute little ball and rolling away
On the subject of reuniting with Chris Brown Rihanna said "if it's a mistake it's my mistake" Which is similar to what the head of comedy said when he re-commissioned Newsjack
To celebrate the return of Newsjack we have given the audience members paper hats - that we made from all the horse meat puns we received. Let it go people
Doctor Who is planning a 3-D edition of the show to celebrate its fiftieth anniversary. Some fans claim this is a publicity stunt that would never have happened fifty years ago - well no 3-D television wasn't invented then
Jack Apps
I'm one of the fifty percent of men who secretly put on their girlfriends make up. Something I wouldn't have to do if she got dressed quicker!
I feel much healthier since I stopped smoking and started using these E-Cigarettes, although I do keep hugging strangers and dancing to repetitive music
I hear the French government are spray painting wolves to stop them eating sheep. Who's the French agriculture Minister; Banksy?
If only the pen that vibrates when you make a mistake was invented last year. I would never have signed that marriage certificate! Or the divorce papers - please come back
Now they're saying it would be healthier if you substituted beer for wine, that's all well and good but it's ruined my Coq Au Vin
Apparently dogs are more likely to steal food in the dark. I've known that for years, I'm a night watchmen at Asda. Thieving bitches - which is not swearing!
No need to tell me people in their fifties have an active sex life, I live next door to an elderly couple and I can never get anything done! I should never have bought these binoculars