JUSTIN:
What do you call two male chimps embracing each other? Well, if the past few days are anything to go by - 'a jolly big can of worms' is the answer!
For this week has seen wildlife documentaries come under fire, for allegedly ignoring homosexuality in the animal kingdom.
Well, I'm delighted to say that joining me now to discuss this; is one of the stars of David Attenborough's 'Life of Mammals' - Kevin...
FX: KEVIN SQUEALS
JUSTIN:
The chimpanzee!
KEVIN:
Sorry - frog in my throat.
JUSTIN:
Now, in the documentary, David Attenborough describes your embrace with a fellow male; as an 'act of friendly affection'. Is he right?
KEVIN:
Listen Justin, I'm going to give it to you straight... I'm straight!
JUSTIN:
But if that's the case, then how do you explain the existence of these alternative theories?
KEVIN:
Well, it's political correctness gone mad, really - isn't it? You know, I was reading a couple of them in the Mail the other day...
JUSTIN:
Hang on - YOU read the Daily Mail?
KEVIN:
Yeah! In fact, I'd describe myself as being pretty much your typical Daily Mail reader.
JUSTIN:
Actually, now you say that - I can see the resemblance. Anyway - you were saying?
KEVIN:
Yeah, well you know - these 'alternative' theories are simply alternatives to the truth.
JUSTIN:
But of course, during the embrace - there was prolonged genital cupping.
KEVIN:
Ah, now you see - George and I were merely trying to raise the temperatures in our testes. For fertility reasons!
JUSTIN:
But wouldn't that REDUCE your sperm count?
KEVIN:
Exactly! You see we're not allowed to get vasectomies - as we're 'endangered'! So, it's the next best thing.
JUSTIN:
Okay, so what you're essentially saying is - this is all a big misunderstanding?
KEVIN:
I'm just like Jason Donavon!
JUSTIN:
What, you're an ex-cokehead?
KEVIN:
Well, yes - but I was actually referring more to the fact that we were both wrongly outed by press.
JUSTIN:
Final question before you go - if you're able to talk to me - then how come you didn't say a single word to David Attenborough?
KEVIN:
Well, you see Justin; I've got this thing called selective mutism, which makes me come over a bit shy whenever I'm in the presence of attractive, intelligent men. No offence!