Sitcom Script - Honest Opinions

COMMUNITY BOBBY is a family sitcom and is based around an idea I had when a rather large P.C.S.O passed me on the street. I have took serious time and effort in planning out the scene by scene aswell as the Character Profile each episode guide and much more. And now all that's left is get the show written.

Meet Robert Hatcher, a fat, unwashed, unshaved and unhappy man. Working at Swanson Supermarket, as a trolley collector, for the past 20 years Bobby soon finds himself growing weary of life. However when a robbery takes place in the Supermarket and a dramatic trolley dash Bobby saves the day both heroically and accidentally... Things are finally beginning to look good for Bobby when he finds himself an internet sensation and a surprising job offer from an old family friend could see Bobby's life changed forever...

So far here's what I have wrote. Any opinions would be much appreciated

SCENE ONE:
EXT: SKY BLUE POLICE STATION.

We OPEN on a large, ancient looking building. A sign on the door reads: 'SKY BLUE POLICE STATION' The camera slowly PANS INTO the building through the large double doors at the entrance.

SCENE TWO:
INT: SKY BLUE POLICE STATION.

We PASS THROUGH a long, narrow corridor up to the Reception Desk. The phone is ringing. We CONTINUE past the Reception Desk and pass a few officers standing by a coffee machine, laughing.

The camera CONTINUES past the Interrogation rooms. The first door bursts open and a male and female police officer exit the room.

The camera FADES THROUGH a closed door with a sign based reading: "Police Community Support Officers" The room is small. Desks are based all around the office. The camera PASSES 4 desks until finally the camera STOPS and turns its attention to a large, desk. A phone is based beside a computer and a stack of paper. A few pens are scattered around the desk. The name bar on the desk reads: "ROBERT HATCHER"

The phone begins to ring- 3 MONTHS EARLIER

SCENE THREE:
EXT: SWANSON SUPERMARKET CAR PARK.

The car park is large. A mixed range of vehicles surround a large building. "WELCOME TO SWANSON SUPERMARKET" reads the sign atop the building.

Struggling up the car park pushing 8 trolleys in total is ROBERT "BOBBY" HATCHER. He stops, removes a handkerchief from his back pocket and dries the sweat from his brow.

BOBBY groans loudly and leans against the queue of trolley's thus blocking oncoming cars.

A car horn beeps loudly.

BOBBY reacts to the sound and turns to come face to face with an elderly woman smiling a toothless grin towards him.

BOBBY
Sorry love. I'll get out of your way now.

AGNES
Thank you dear.

BOBBY makes his way back over to the trolleys and pushes them to their desired location.

BOBBY smiles again and turns his attention back to the old woman.

BOBBY
There you go miss.

AGNES
Thank you dear. (UNDER BREATH) Blimp!

BOBBY looks shocked as the Old woman speeds away.

BOBBY
(SHOUTS) I happen to have lost allot of weight!

From behind another trolley collector: COLIN CROSS laughs.

COLIN
Turn around I think you'll find it!

BOBBY turns to COLIN and sticks up his middle finger. COLIN continues to laugh.

CUT TO.

SCENE FOUR:
SWANSON SUPERMARKET: THE STAFF ROOM

The room is small and cramped. There are only six seats based in the back of the room. A crowd of people (all wearing the same uniform) are gathered and are waiting impatiently for the arrival of someone or something. In the midst of the crowd are BOBBY and COLIN.

BOBBY
(TO COLIN)
Hey. Did I tell you about my new neighbour?

COLIN
(SHAKES HEAD)
No. What?

BOBBY
This Indian bloke moved in a week ago. He's a right mouthy git, travelled the world, swam with sharks and wrestled bear... Apparently.

COLIN
Whoa! What a guy. Sounds like he's had quite a life!

BOBBY
That's exactly what I said to him. I asked him his name. And do you know what he's called?

COLIN
No. What?

BOBBY
Bindair Dundat.

BOBBY laughs.

COLIN looks confused.

BOBBY (CONT.)
It was a joke you Clown. Don't you get it?

COLIN still looks confused.

BOBBY (CONT.)
Bloody hell Col. It doesn't matter. I don't want you hurting yourself by thinking too hard.

COLIN
(MUMBLES TO SELF)
Bindair Dundat?
(SHAKES HEAD)

From the front of the room TERRENCE HOLT enters followed by LIZ WIX. TERRENCE clears his throat loudly. The chatter stops. The room falls silent.

LIZ
Ok everybody. Listen up. Your boss: Mr Holt has an announcement to make.

LIZ steps backwards and smiles a wide toothy grin at TERRENCE.

COLIN
(MUMBLES TO SELF)
Bindair Dundat?

TERRENCE steps forward.

TERRENCE
Ladies and Gentlemen. I have called this meeting today because I am afraid I have some rather upsetting news. I'm very sorry to say that earlier today I received a phone call from Joan Cross, the wife to our local supermarket hero, the man who kept us safe from the thieves and common criminals of this world, Security Guard Mark Cross... Who, sadly, in the early hours of this morning died. I'm very sorry to say the cancer finally beat him.

Many of the members of the crowd gasp in shock.

COLIN suddenly bursts into laughter.

COLIN
(LAUGHING)
That is so funny!
(TO BOBBY)
I get it now! I get it!
(PAUSE)

BOBBY and everyone else in the room, including LIZ & TERRENCE, stare at COLIN in shock.

COLIN (CONT.)
(SHRUGS)
What?

CUT TO.

More to come ... perhaps if you all enjoyed it. Thanks for reading.

Hi Paul, welcome.

A common misconception for people new to script writing is to believe they must direct the scene instead of simply describing it. I understand it's true if it's absolutely necessary to add camera actions if you have a very specific idea in mind. But you may want to learn how to describe a panning shot for example without the use of "we see".

EXT: SKY BLUE POLICE STATION.

A large, ancient looking building. A sign on the door reads: 'SKY BLUE POLICE STATION'. The large double doors at the entrance.

INT: SKY BLUE POLICE STATION CORRIDOR - CONTINUOUS

A long, narrow corridor (add more colourful description)

INT: SKY BLUE POLICE STATION RECEPTION - CONTINUOUS

A Reception Desk. The phone is ringing. A few officers standing by a coffee machine, laughing.

INT: INTERROGATION ROOMS - CONTINUOUS

The first door bursts open and a male and female police officer exit the room.

INT: CORRIDOR - CONTINUOUS

A closed door with a sign based reading: "Police Community Support Officers"

INT: OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

The room is small. Desks are based all around the office...

As you can see, I've broke down each new scene, into a new scene. I know you're probably imagining this as one long shot, but there's a point where you pass through a closed door and that's not technically/physically possibly. So it would count as a separate scene anyway. I've put continuous at the end of every slugline to let US (the director/whoever) know that we continuing from the last scene.

I'll give you actual feedback of the content in a moment. I just wanted to advise you and anyone else reading of the technicalities first. Hope it helps

Another technical note, you may want to give a brief description of each character as you introduce them to help us visualize what's going on.

Now I'm afraid to say, I saw no humour in there at all. Apart from one actual joke, that wasn't really that funny and didn't really set-up a great bigger joke either. The opening scene conveyed a quite eerie, mysterious place and I'm not sure whether that was your intention?

I think you need to show us a typical scene, where something displays the kind of humour and characters we are likely to see most of the time.
The advice generally given to new writers, is to write the 2nd or 3rd episode first and worry about the introduction later. Because if this were on TV, you can't reply upon your viewers having to watch the first episode to get what's going on. They need to "get" these characters straight away and identify who they are and it can be achieved through good character writing.

It's great that you planned this all out, and have your character profiles. But I'm not sure you have anything to show for feedback, just yet! But keep it up and read other scripts from real TV shows to see how tightly they are written!

Thank you for taking the time in reading this. I appreciate your help concerning the scene settings and also I regretfully agree with you after re-reading it that there are very little humurous lines. However it's early stages and I am just finding my feet and am really enjoying writing and creating my own little world. And in response to the opening scene that was exactly how I wanted it to seem: Mysterious and maybe it would get the viewer hooked and wandering what could happen next.

This is only the first draft and all that I have wrote so far so am sure with a few tweaks here and there it should improve marginally.

Thank you once again for taking the time in reading and commenting.

Lee is spot on - solid gold advice.
I think there's something in the guy finally getting the joke as the subject of cancer is mentioned, but I'm not sure it's enough to justify what is, essentially, the straightforward delivery of a gag masquerading as dialogue.
Like the mysterious opening (with Lee's technical re-write) and I think it might well hook people in.
It does rather set it up as being a comedy drama rather than a sitcom - I don't know whether that's the case or not.

Ok you've got quite a strong if simple character in Colin. And you've got two jokes that don't quite work but are definitely on the way.

I'd say you need to work on refining your product and getting some more characters in there.

I think it is probaably closer to a comedy drama than an all around sitcom. But I plan on there being more gags than there are sad moments.

The previous posters have far more experience than I have, but one piece of advice I've been given which could help is to look at individual characters' lines in isolation and ask yourself what they tell the reader about that person.
You need to ensure they are definitely reflecting their character.
For example, Colin's first comment reveals him to be sarcastic and someone who makes wisecracks.
But then in the next scene he is both underused (just providing functional responses to Bobby's lines and showing us nothing else of him) and then comes across as thick (because he doesn't get the joke). Perhaps his lines need to be beefed up and then given to another character?
That said, I liked scene three and overall found the writing clear and easy to read. Good luck with it!

PCSO's are an excellent subject for a sitcom - an original spin on the well established police comedy/drama genre with a lot of comic potential. Full marks for that.

If you've written the "heroic and accidental" saving the day scene that would probably interest us more that this opening and give a better showcase for your ability to be funny.

As for what's there, the opening scene is fine in establishing Robert's shit job (but Tradepressed is right that Colin is a bit too quick-witted here considering his behaviour in the next scene. Maybe someone else says it, like an arsey manager.)
Scene 4 would be a lot more awkward funny in mid-episode (or mid-series) if we've been given some reason to care about how Colin comes across to his co-workers. In its current place it probably needs shortening a little.

On the technical side, a point I'm surprised Lee didn't make is that sitcom scripts tend to have more minimal action descriptions than (e.g) films except where action/scene details are very important to the comedy or plot. If this ever got made you'd get a chance to chat to the director about how the panning should look, but all the script really needs to emphasise is the opening sequence starts with a police station and ends on PCSO Robert Hatcher's name.

Writing it as several separate scenes is a technically correct way to do a sequence like this, especially if you're writing extended continuous action like a chase sequence but probably overkill for this particular opening sequence which could also be a Series of Shots (see http://www.screenwriting.info/14.php) or briefer still (see bottom)

e.g.
INT/EXT - SKY BLUE POLICE STATION - DAY - OPENING SEQUENCE

SERIES OF SHOTS
- Victorian police station looms over city centre
- Inside an overcrowded foyer PCs loiter without intent
- Officers rush down a long corridor...
- ... past the empty PCSO ROOM; more like a cupboard with desks
- CLOSE ON badge belonging to PCSO ROBERT HATCHER

Better still, keep it much briefer.

INT/EXT - SKY BLUE POLICE STATION - DAY

OPENING SEQUENCE rushes through the corridors of a bustling city centre police station, ending in the cramped PCSO ROOM at the unoccupied desk of PC. ROBERT HATCHER.

Thanks guys for all the feedback. I've taken it all onboard and I shall edit and improve the script. I glad to hear it isn't terrible and that I am onto a good idea concerning the P.C.S.O's
Completely out of the blue I had another idea about one of the episodes today whilst walking the dog when an Ice Cream van passed me. I'm thinking perhaps calling an episode (maybe episode 3) "THE KILLER ICE CREAM VAN MAN" - I have a scene in mind where the killer is following his next victim in the ice cream van and the machine that controls the music is broken so every time she moves and then he slowly drives towards her TEDDY BEARS PICNIC plays then stops then plays than stop then plays and well you get the idea ...

What do you think?

Quote: enigmatic @ January 9 2013, 4:31 PM GMT

On the technical side, a point I'm surprised Lee didn't make is that sitcom scripts tend to have more minimal action descriptions than (e.g) films except where action/scene details are very important to the comedy or plot. If this ever got made you'd get a chance to chat to the director about how the panning should look, but all the script really needs to emphasise is the opening sequence starts with a police station and ends on PCSO Robert Hatcher's name.

View original

Thanks for raising that point, and I didn't mention it because it's new to me. Always learning

Quote: enigmatic @ January 9 2013, 4:31 PM GMT

Writing it as several separate scenes is a technically correct way to do a sequence like this, especially if you're writing extended continuous action like a chase sequence but probably overkill for this particular opening sequence which could also be a Series of Shots (see http://www.screenwriting.info/14.php) or briefer still (see bottom)

e.g.
INT/EXT - SKY BLUE POLICE STATION - DAY - OPENING SEQUENCE

SERIES OF SHOTS
- Victorian police station looms over city centre
- Inside an overcrowded foyer PCs loiter without intent
- Officers rush down a long corridor...
- ... past the empty PCSO ROOM; more like a cupboard with desks
- CLOSE ON badge belonging to PCSO ROBERT HATCHER

Better still, keep it much briefer.

INT/EXT - SKY BLUE POLICE STATION - DAY

OPENING SEQUENCE rushes through the corridors of a bustling city centre police station, ending in the cramped PCSO ROOM at the unoccupied desk of PC. ROBERT HATCHER.

View original

And thanks again for this as well. Very interesting and useful piece of advice!

Thanks again everybody for all the advice. I have taken it all into serious account and seeing as though I am off work today I am going to give the script a complete facelift I might even try and add the robbery scene aswell which if I write it correctly should convey the humour I see being used throughout the show

01. INT/EXT - SKY BLUE POLICE STATION - DAY

OPENING SEQUENCE rushes through the corridors of a bustling city centre police station, ending in the cramped PCSO ROOM at the unoccupied desk of PC. ROBERT HATCHER. The phone begins to ring...

3 MONTHS EARLIER...

02. EXT: SWANSON SUPERMARKET CAR PARK.

The car park is large. A mixed range of vehicles surround a large building. "WELCOME TO SWANSON SUPERMARKET" reads the sign atop the building.

Struggling up the car park pushing 8 trolleys in total is ROBERT "BOBBY" HATCHER (a short, balding, fat bearded male). He stops, removes a handkerchief from his back pocket and dries the sweat from his brow.

BOBBY groans loudly and leans against the queue of trolley's thus blocking oncoming cars.

A car horn beeps loudly.

BOBBY reacts to the sound and turns to come face to face with an elderly woman smiling a toothless grin towards him.

BOBBY
Sorry love. I'll get out of your way now.

AGNES
Thank you dear.

BOBBY makes his way back over to the trolleys and pushes them to their desired location.

BOBBY smiles again and turns his attention back to the old woman.

BOBBY
There you go miss.

AGNES
Thank you dear.
(UNDER BREATH)
Blimp!

BOBBY looks shocked as the Old woman speeds away.

BOBBY
I happen to have lost of weight!

From behind BOBBY, PETER DUNBAR (a slim, tall, pale male) laughs.

PETER
Turn around I think you'll find it!

BOBBY turns to PETER and sticks up his middle finger. PETER continues to laugh.

CUT TO.

03. SWANSON SUPERMARKET: THE STAFF ROOM

The room is small and cramped. There are only six seats based in the back of the room. A crowd of people (all wearing the same uniform) are gathered and are waiting impatiently for the arrival of someone or something. In the midst of the crowd are BOBBY and COLIN CROSS (slim, acne faced, bearded male)

From the front of the room Manager TERRENCE HOLT (a tall, fine haired, slim, suited male) enters followed by LIZ WIX (a curly haired, baggy eyed, short, petite woman).

TERRENCE clears his throat loudly. The chatter stops. The room falls silent.

LIZ
Ok everybody. Listen up. Your boss: Mr Holt has an announcement to make.

LIZ steps backwards and smiles a wide toothy grin at TERRENCE.

TERRENCE steps forward.

TERRENCE
Ladies and Gentlemen. I have called this meeting today because I am
afraid I have some rather upsetting news. I'm very sorry to say that
earlier today I received a phone call from Joan Dobbs, the wife to
our local supermarket hero, the man who kept us safe from the thieves
and common criminals of this world, Security Guard Eric Dobbs... Who,
sadly, in the early hours of this morning tragically died.

Many of the members of the crowd gasp in shock.

COLIN
Damn shame that...

BOBBY
What is?

COLIN
About Eric! I mean the guy was so nice. And now we're without a Security guard... We're asking for trouble!

BOBBY
Come on man! This is Swanson Supermarket. Name one time we've had any trouble here...

COLIN
What about Simon!? Hmmm. You forgot about him didn't you?

BOBBY
Simon?
(PAUSE)

COLIN nods.

BOBBY (CONT.)
Simon as in the dog that got loose and ran around the building? Simon as in the dog that was really called Max?

COLIN
Yeah him! And he preferred the name Simon to Max! He told me...

BOBBY
He told you?

COLIN
Yep. You've heard of the Horse Whisperer well I'm the Dog Whisperer...

The other employees are slowly dispersing from the room.

BOBBY
To be fair it was the owners fault anyway who brings a dog to a Supermarket in the first place? My point is other than a dog we've had no trouble!

COLIN
Really?

BOBBY
(NODS)
Yep. Trust me Col.
(SHAKES HEAD)
Swanson Supermarket doesn't need Security!

CUT TO.

04. SWANSON SUPERMARKET

The supermarket is bustling with customers.

Shelf stackers are standing around talking to one another.

A young woman, with a 2 year old boy sitting in the trolley, is struggling to get past an old man and woman as they walk slowly up the aisle.

BOBBY is sat by the CUSTOMER SERVICE talking to BERNICE.

BERNICE
(NODS)
Oh yeah. 12 inches it was... So I told him to put it back in his pants and f**k off!
(PAUSE)

BOBBY
Yeah well to be fair Bernice you said yourself he was a Star Wars
nut you should have expected him to have a Light-sabre with him!

An old woman approaches the desk.

BERNICE
I didn't mind that really... It was his cock it was so small!
(PAUSE)

BOBBY and the old woman look shocked.

BERNICE (CONT.)
Yes love can I help you?

BOBBY turns and watches as a hooded male enters the Supermarket.
BOBBY frowns suspicious.

He watches as the mystery man vanishes down the freezer aisle.

BOBBY stands and approaches the aisle.

SPENCER SMITH (The hooded man, ginger, spotty, pale, baggy eyed male) grabs something and pockets it, we do not see what.

BOBBY looks shocked and approaches SPENCER.

BOBBY
Excuse me sir?

SPENCER
(CONFUSED)
What?

BOBBY
Empty your pockets!

SPENCER suddenly shoves BOBBY and races quickly up the aisle.

BOBBY (slowly) runs after him.

SPENCER races over to the Fish Mongers. BOBBY races after.

SPENCER grabs a large haddock fish and throws it behind him. It smacks BOBBY hard in the face.

SPENCER rushes up the tinned aisle. BOBBY races after.

SPENCER grabs a tin of beans and throws it behind him. It smacks BOBBY hard in the head.

SPENCER races down the vegetable aisle. BOBBY races after.

SPENCER grabs a large cabbage patch and throws it behind him. It smacks BOBBY hard in the face and remains attached. BOBBY struggles to pull the cabbage patch off. Once finally removed he spots SPENCER exiting the supermarket.

BOBBY races out after SPENCER.

SPENCER is racing towards a car. BOBBY picks up speed and races after him.

From behind a panicked voice can be heard shouting. BOBBY turns and is horrified to come face to face with a trolley heading straight towards a car.

BOBBY looks to SPENCER and then to the trolley. BOBBY sighs and grabs the trolley, stopping it from smashing into the vehicle.

SPENCER gets closer and closer to the car. BOBBY pushes the trolley and then lifts his feet thus gliding towards SPENCER.

BOBBY's feet begin to drag. BOBBY struggles to remain balanced and he tumbles to the ground, the trolley however continues on its collision course with SPENCER.

It smacks into the car door and traps SPENCER. SPENCER screams in pain as the car door traps his leg.

SPENCER
Son of a -

BOBBY rushes over, followed by two police officers.

BOBBY
This is the guy!

SPENCER
(CONFUSED)
What is it? What's going on?

POLICE OFFICER #1
Would you empty your pockets please sir?

SPENCER
I-I don't understand.
(SHRUGS)
But yeah ok...

SPENCER removes his wallet and searches his remaining pockets. He shakes his head and sighs. He looks back to BOBBY and the Police Officers.

BOBBY looks confused.

BOBBY
What? That's it?
(PAUSE)

SPENCER nods.

BOBBY (CONT.)
Nah. He's lying. Search him officer!

POLICE OFFICER #1
Whoa! I give the orders. If you don't mind...

SPENCER nurses his injured ankle.

POLICE OFFICER #2
Well?

POLICE OFFICER #1
Search him...

The second, larger police officer grabs SPENCER, turns him round and begins to frisk him. After a moment or two the cop turns back to BOBBY and the other police officer and shakes his head.

POLICE OFFICER #2
He's clean.

BOBBY
(CONFUSED)
I don't understand. You definitely grabbed something!

SPENCER
Yeah. My wallet. I left it in with the frozen peas

BOBBY
But why did you run?

SPENCER
I thought you were mugging me.

BOBBY
(AWKWARDLY)
Oh... I'm sorry about all this.
(SIGHS)
Sorry about that officers look like I've wasted your time...
(PAUSE)

The two officers groan loudly and walk away. The talk amongst themselves and point back at BOBBY.

BOBBY (CONT.)
Once again. I'm very sorry.

SPENCER frowns at BOBBY and climbs into the car. He speeds away.

BOBBY sighs and turns. Behind him COLIN is smirking.

BOBBY
What?

COLIN
Looks like we do need Security after all.

BOBBY frowns and gives COLIN the middle finger.

He turns and walks past a security camera.

Sothat's all I've wrote so far.

Opinions please