Sketch Comp 3 - 10.2.13

Thanks and congratulations to ME for winning. To celebrate I made love to my wife for seven hours. Maybe I should've woken her up first, but why take that risk.
Hence:

Votes - Points
6 - 10 - Michael Monkhouse

Your new subject: PERFORMANCE

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 10.2.13

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Position - Name

88 - 1 - Gappy (just winning)
35 - 2 - Michael Monkhouse
31 - 3 - A is for Adam
20 - 4 - Lazzard
15 - 5 - Pingl, Carlos Manwelly, Overlay, Tursiops
11 - 6 - Ishy, Stylee Ting Ting
10 - 7 - Otterfox, Judgement Dave
6 - 8 - 404NotFound
5 - 9 - Lippy Alison, John Millar, Lee, Shandonbelle, Tuumble, Sootyj
1 - 10 - DubiousG, Steve Sunshine

CIRCUS FREAKS

TV STUDIO.
DEREK interviewing WAYNE:

DEREK Good evening and welcome to 'This Evening', this evening's show talking about this evening. My guest tonight is Wayne Kerr, the genius behind 'Circus Stantial', the world's first ever animal-free circus. Mr Kerr, hello.

WAYNE Yerse.

DEREK Tell us why you created a circus without animals.

WAYNE Because of the appalling treatment to which the beasts are subjected... Did you know how they make the elephant stand? They shout then hit the poor thing's legs with an iron bar.

DEREK Oooh!

WAYNE Indeed, oooh! So the next time they shout, it thinks it'll be struck again and raises its legs in fear.

DEREK That's shocking.

WAYNE Of course it is. That's why we use a small boy and a wooden bar. Apart from protecting the elephant, this carries further advantages. It's easy to come across a boy - ask a vicar - and wood is considerably cheaper than iron.

DEREK Yes... Still a tad brutal?

WAYNE It's the circus!

DEREK Okay. Any more examples?

WAYNE Oh, oodles of the fellows. Take the sad seals - derived of freedom, forced to make ridiculous noises (does so), humiliatingly balancing balls on the snout... We take another small boy, saw its legs off and paint it black. We then surgically elongate the nose and super-glue a ball thereon.

DEREK That's not - dangerous?

WAYNE On no, they all think he's really balancing it! And as we whip and beat the bastard, it emits sounds of a perfectly seal-like nature.

DEREK I meant for the kid.

WAYNE (thinks) Hmmmm... No, only half those who survive enjoy it. And get a bit part in the next Lady Gaga video.

DEREK Unbelievable...

WAYNE Yes, isn't she kind?

DEREK So what else do you do?

WAYNE Well in a trad circus, the cruel cads make dear lions leap through burning hoops.

DEREK Oh God - and you make kids jump through them instead?

WAYNE Don't be vulgar man! We throw the buggers. Far more efficient and if they catch fire we light our cigarettes off them. Hence our slogan: 'Come to the circus! Your children's faces will light up, and so will ours.'

DEREK You're mad.

WAYNE Yes I think I am.

DEREK I'm gonna report you right now. (takes out mobile) Hello, Benetton?

"INTERNATIONAL DRESSAGE" (RADIO SKETCH)

cheesy sports intro music.

COMMENTATOR 1
hello and welcome back to
the international dressage
competition. here we go Geoff
Ireland's entry in to the
mainstream. the quaintly named, mickey
liar.

COMMENTATOR 2
yes trev. he looks calm and
collected for a horse of his
age. it looks like they are just about ready
to start their routine.

dressage music begins (lady gaga,poker face)

COMMENTATOR 1
and away he goes. straight in to
the off the griddle. tippy toe,
tippy toe. I never get bored of that
sideways line maneuver Geoff.

COMMENTATOR 2
me neither trev, ooh look at that.
round and round in to whats widely
known as the cucumber slice. not an
easy move by any standards.

COMMENTATOR 1
perfectly walking backwards for the
renowned bottom of the bap. can you
believe he's topped it off with the cheddar
Cheddar bang bang. beautifully executed I
may add.

COMMENTATOR 2
down in to the bottle neck sauce bow, ooh
a cheeky cherry tomato thrown in. brave move
at this point of the competition trev.

COMMENTATOR 1
too right geoff. and up he goes on to his
hind legs. can he get the slam down for the bap
lid flip? yes he does and does it well. legs nicely together for the
sesame seed nod towards the judges. and
finished.

dressage music stops.

COMMENTATOR 2
lets see what the judges make of
that one trev.

COMMENTATOR 1
here we go. Spain in with a (beat)
4.0, not a bad start there
from the Spanish judge.

COMMENTATOR 2
not at all trev. Germany next and always in
favor of a thoroughbred (beat)
ooh a 2.0, surprisingly low there from the
Germans.

Crowed noise becomes louder.

COMMENTATOR 1
and there it is. a 100 percent from the
Tesco judge. even though surprised we
should have seen it coming.

COMMENTATOR 2
for some reason I'm hungry after that
one trev. and I'll tell you something
else.......

cheesy sports extro music fades in over the commentators voices.

THE END

ANNOUNCER: And now on Radio 4, Simon Birdhaunch reads extracts from the diary of Elton Gradmass, politician, social campaigner, and Shadow Minister for Transport for much of the 1980s.

[Short intro, portentous strings or such: fades under first sentence]

SIMON: [Actorly delivery] Tuesday, 4th February, 1986. Neil has called an emergency meeting, to address our standing in the polls. I fear he shall never grasp that electability springs from policy, not popularity. The country doesn't vote in friends, it votes in leaders. I hope to find time to announce my plans to abolish leaded fuel, but I have to get past Stanley bloody Orme first. Gormless Orme, I call him. It's drizzling lightly as I step resignedly into the-

ELTON: [Off, approaching as he speaks] What are you doing?

SIMON: Just...nothing.

ELTON: What are you reading - is that my diary? It is, it's my bloody diary! You can't read that!

SIMON: Well, I only read a bit

ELTON: I don't care how much you read, it's my diary and - What's that microphone for? Is this on the radio?

SIMON: Well -

ELTON: Right, this recording session is over. Go on, get out of it. I don't talk anything like that, incidentally. Now, cleat off and we'll draw a line under this whole - Hang on! Are they...I don't believe it, you're wearing my trousers!

SIMON: No, they're mine, they just look the same.

ELTON: Ballsacks! You've got my bloody trousers on, you bastard. How did you get those?

[SIMON mumbles incomprehensibly]

ELTON: What?

SIMON: [Mumbled] BBC.

ELTON: Well, I tell you something, sonny Jim, there's going to be an enquiry. Oh, you bet your life: my diary, my trousers, the BBC's gone off the bloody rail.

SALLY: [Off] Is there a problem, Mr Gradmass?

ELTON: Who the hell are you?

SALLY: [Approaching] I'm the producer. Did you need to mention anything? I only say it because we do have a tight schedule today...

ELTON: Not any more you don't. Come on, lad, get those trousers off. I'll be talking to your manager, you can bet your - Jesus crapped! He's going commando, this gets worse and worse. No, I don't want them back now, you filthy gastropod. Put them back on, for the love of Mike!

SALLY: Oh, I am sorry, Elton. Still friends?

ELTON: Friends? I've never met either of you in my - oi! Don't touch me! I will not be manhandled by broadcasting arsewipes barely out of nappies. I'm going straight to the top on this, you mark my words! Now, piss off!

[ELTON exits, noisily]

SIMON: Oh. Didn't go so well.

SALLY: No. You know when I hugged him?

SIMON: Oh, he did not like that!

SALLY: No. [Beat] I got his phone though.

[SIMON & SALLY become like excited kids]

SIMON: You never!

SALLY: Totally did, right out of his pocket. What shall we do?

SIMON: Phone someone! Phone someone!

SALLY: Alright, alright, I'll just scroll down and - how about Bryan Gould?

SIMON: Don't know who he is.

SALLY: Me neither. Hang on! Let's call Hattersley.

SIMON: Oh, yes, brilliant! Tell Roy Hattersley he's a twat. Call him Roy Twattersley

SALLY: Alright. It's ringing, it's ringing. This is going to be hilar- [Quickly adopting gruff low voice, a bad impression of ELTON]. Oh, hello Roy. It's me, Elton. [Beat] Not so bad, not so bad. Well, I just phoned up to say something quickly. You're a twat. [Beat] A twat, yes.

SIMON: [Hoarse whisper] Call him Roy Twattersley! Call him Roy Twattersley!

SALLY: A twat. You are one. [Beginning to snigger] Uh-uh, uh-uh, yes, got to go, Roy, bye. [Both collapse into giggles]

SIMON: Oh, that was classic! Absolutely brilliant. A good morning's work, Sally.

SALLY: Shall we pop down the road for a celebratory cake?

SIMON: No need. On the way to work [Bag zip noise] I stole these off a cripple outside Wimpy!

SALLY: [Mouth full] I love pain au chocolat

BOTH: [Chanting, football fan style] B! B! C! B! B! C! 'Oo are yer? You're goin' on in a two-part biodoc!

SIMON: [Fading] Twattersley still would have been better, though.

A PERFORMANCE REVIEW

MANAGER: Thank you for coming in today Jesus.

JESUS: No problem.

MANAGER: As you know it's time for your annual performance review. Let's me start by asking, what do you think have been your key achievements this year?

JESUS: Well, I appeared on a piece of toast in a Blackpool café.

MANAGER: And what was the outcome?

JESUS: A woman ate me. She was a hungry agnostic.

MANAGER: Jesus, I have to say, we're becoming increasingly concerned with your performance. Until 30AD you were on fire, the company's top performer. You couldn't walk down the street without converting a lead into a sale.

JESUS: I can still do that.

MANAGER: I just don't see it. I mean, what have you actually done since rising from the dead?

JESUS: I, eh...

MANAGER: Now, we all recognise how good a marketing campaign that was, highest revenue generator in the firm's history. But that was nearly two thousand years ago, you're coasting.

JESUS: At the London Olympics I made Boris Johnson speak in tongues.

MANAGER: And no one noticed. Come on, you're on the slide. Facebook has got more followers than you. Look. It's nothing personal, but we think it might be time for you to step aside.

JESUS: You can't do that to me, my dad is the chief executive.

MANAGER: Look Jes, can I call you Jes?

JESUS: No.

MANAGER: Jes. Times have changed, we're a global brand now. We have interests in Europe, America, Africa. We're expanding into China. The days of "God & Son" are gone.

JESUS: But...I can still do it. I used to be number one, I can be number one again.

MANAGER: The board just doesn't agree. We're facing some stiff competition out there. Islam has really stepped it up a notch.

JESUS: I can take on Islam, I can...

MANAGER: No Jes, I'm sorry. It's been decided. We're taking you off major religions.

JESUS: But, I've always been on major religions. Major religions is my patch.

MANAGER: Not any longer, we're moving you. We're bringing in Tony. The Jews have been waiting a long time for a messiah and Tony is going to be that man.

JESUS: Tony! Tony couldn't shit a miracle if he tried! He's a two bit magician! I know the Jews are desperate, but for f**k sake, "Tony Christ"!

MANAGER: Jes, come on, calm down. Tony has improved a lot in the last hundred years. The management think it's time he moved on to a bigger territory.

JESUS: Well, what will I be doing whilst "Tony Christ" is saving the Jewish people?

MANAGER: We were thinking about moving you to Miscellaneous.

JESUS: Miscellaneous! Are you kidding! Scientology and Jedi! I'm Jesus f**king Christ! Come on! Surely I could at least get Hindu or something. Come on, at least give me Buddhism.

MANAGER: I'm sorry, if it was up to me, you would be on Buddhism, no problem. But it's out of my hands. It's the board; they want to go in a new direction.

JESUS: Oh man... I can't believe it. I'm on the bench. Past it.

MANAGER: Well, look on the bright side. You've always wanted to meet Tom Cruise.

Michael's was a nice idea, but I'll go for John this week. What happened to the weird entry with pimps singing, that I didn't understand? Or did I dream it...

THE GROUP INTERVIEW FROM HELL

SALES DIRECTOR:Good morning everybody. My name is Stephen, I am the Sales Director and during the next hour or so we are going to get to know each other a bit better and find out just 'who is fit' and 'who is shit ' for this job. OK?

SFX: A RATHER UNENTHUSIASTIC COLLECTIVE CRY OF 'YES' FROM THE GROUP

SALES DIRECTORh come on, you can do better than that can't you?

SFX: A SLIGHTLY MORE ENTHUSIASTIC COLLECTIVE CRY OF 'YES' FROM THE GROUP

SALES DIRECTOR:That's the spirit, great! Now, as we all know, in sales, it's all about performance. First impressions count. Let's face it, no one is going to buy something from you if you sound like a dullard and look like you get dressed in the dark, shave with a bread knife or get your hair done at 'Shyte hairstyles are us' are they? So, first of all I'd like to take a look at you lot and see how you measure up, OK? Right, going round the room then, we'll start with you. Made the effort. Not a chance. Hmmmmmm. Must try harder. Possibilities. Could Be. In your dreams sunshine. What on earth. Good effort. Interesting, Are you Serious, and finally, hold on, don't I know you?

PETER:Yes you do, Stephen. It's Peter. Peter Dennison.

SALES DIRECTOR:That's right! Peter Dennison. Peter 'Mister AIDA' Dennison. Well, well, well. What can I say?

PETER:A mover and shaker? Nicely turned out? In with a shout?

SALES DIRECTORh, you're all in with a shout. Apart from him maybe, oh and her. Only joking love. First impressions don't always turn out to be right now do they? Listen Peter, whatever happened in the past is all water under the bridge as far as I am concerned.

PETER: Yes me too.

SALES DIRECTOR:Which is just as well really, because as I recall, you were a real shit to me. Sorry ladies and gentlemen I had better explain myself. You see Peter here, used to be my boss - until he made me redundant.

PETER:It was a long time ago.

SALES DIRECTOR:Ten years ago. Ten years, one month and 3 days ago to be precise. Do you know, I used to wake up every night for months afterwards and punch seven shades of shit out of a mattress in the corner that I called Mister Dennison?

PETER:Really? .

SALES DIRECTOR:Yes, really. And I'll tell you what else I used to do. I used to lie in my bed at night, tossing and turning, dreaming up ways of getting even with you. Nasty, evil ways of getting my own back for what you did to me.

PETER:Well, I am sure you appreciate that I was just doing my job. Would you like me to leave?

SALES DIRECTOR:No, no, Peter, don't go. As I said, everyone in this room is in with a chance. Just because I used to despise you and what you put me through doesn't mean to say that I wouldn't consider you for this role. Oh no. I am a fair man. I can see now, with the benefit of hindsight that you were just a puppet.

PETER: Yes, that's pretty much how I remember it too.

SALES DIRECTOR:A miserable, scheming, two faced, stab you in the back, puppet

PETER:Well I don't remember that bit, but I am glad we've managed to clear up any confusion.

SALES DIRECTOR:Indeed we have, so, let's crack on shall we?

PETERorry. Can I just ask?

SALES DIRECTORh Peter has a question, Yes Peter? Fire away.

PETER:The, er, the envelopes full of dog poo I used to get delivered to my home address?

SALES DIRECTOR:Ah! Yes! I'd almost forgotten! The dog shyte was indeed from me. I'd a border collie called 'Psycho' at the time. Lovely wee thing. Sadly no longer with us.

PETER:And the razor blades?

SALES DIRECTOR:Razor blades, razor blades? Of course! Those old fashioned jobbies. Used to break up nicely into shards. These new fangled things are useless aren't they. Mach 3 turbo my arse! You may as well send someone a jiffy bag full of wet fish for all the harm they'd do.

PETER:Right. And the brake fluid over the car?

SALES DIRECTOR:Nail polish remover as I recall, but yes, you've got me banged to rights there too Peter.

SFX: A MASS SCRAPING OF CHAIR LEGS ON FLOOR, PEOPLE GATHERING THEIR BELONGINGS AND DOORS OPENING

SALES DIRECTOR:Hey come on folks. Don't leave. It was only a bit of fun. You know, practical jokes that people carry out when they've temporarily lost the balance of their mind? I'm fine now. Come back. Come back! It's all water under the bridge!

SFX: THE LAST DOOR CLOSES. THERE IS A BRIEF SILENCE.

SALES DIRECTORh well Peter,it looks like your lucky day eh! The old team back together again? What do you say? The job's yours, when can you start?

THE END

I'll go for gappy

I'll go Gappy on this one too. Well done Gappy It was a close call John.