SKETCH COMP 30.1-6.2.08 Page 2

Int. Office

Simon (35) is in his office. Nigel (28) is sat opposite him.

Simon: So then, me old magpie. Looks like you've been caught.

Nigel: I don't know what you're talking about.

Simon: Sandra's watch! The same watch you were seen wearing minutes after it was reported stolen.

Nigel: Meh, it's a coincidence.

Simon: A coincidence that you were wearing a pink ladies watch?

Nigel: I can wear whatever I like, you rotten sexist.

Simon: We've got proof this time. It's watertight.

Simon picks up a photo off the desk and shows it to Nigel. It's a black and white picture of Nigel holding aloft a watch with a joyous look on his face. Nigel looks at the picture.

Nigel: Ha! Is that supposed to be me? If you were gonna fit me up then you could have got a better looking actor. Tsk! I don't know, eh!

Simon: I KNOW it's you!

Nigel: What are you gonna accuse me of next, eh? Nicking yer shirt? Ha!

The focus goes back to Simon who is now shirtless, but still wearing a tie.

Simon: Don't be ridicu-

Simon looks down at his bare chest. He looks back at Nigel who is now wearing his shirt.

Nigel: What? What?!

Scene fades to black, but not before Nigel raises his hands up in exclamation and a pink watch is clearly visible. Simon starts grabbing at the watch.

Ends

Woman : Hello. I saw your advert. "Women - say goodbye to the weight you don't want."

Man : Ah yes. So what can we do for you?

Woman : Can you tell me a little bit about how it works?

Man : Well you pay a small deposit on commencement and the balance on completion of the contract.

Woman (Laughing) : The contract? It makes it sound like you're business is killing people.

Pause

Man : Ha ha madame. Now I take it it is your husband. Has he been playing away?

Woman : I think there's a misunderstanding - I want to remove some unsightly fat.

Man : So what's his name? Where does he work? What does he do?

Woman : No no no. You've got it all wrong. I've got no reason to want my husband dead. He's a loving, faithful husband.

Man : Poor man.

The man pulls out a gun and shoots the woman.

A BRIGHTON MAN HAS BEEN JAILED AFTER FLASHING AT STRANGERS EVERY MONTH FOR YEARS. THE JUDGE COMMENTED, “I’M SENDING YOU TO LEWES. WE DON’T NEED THIS SORT OF THING IN BRIGHTON, WE’VE GOT TREASON SHOW.”

==========
GOING OVER
==========
TWO COPPERS SAT IN A CAR. ONE RECANTS A RECENT ARREST, WHILST THE OTHER LISTENS ON EXCITEDLY.

COPPER 1:
... so I chased him down the alleyway and he bounded up this fence!

COPPER 2:
Get away! Like in the movies?!

COPPER 1:
Yeah! Exactly like that! And I get over this fence and catch up, rugby-tackling him! (SLAPS DASHBOARD) *BANG* goes his face on the floor!

COPPER 2:
Nice one! Then what?

COPPER 1:
Then I got my truncheon out --

COPPER 2:
-- You mean 'baton' --

COPPER 1:
Oops, yeah, of course. Wouldn't want anyone finding out we still hide our truncheons in our socks. Anyway, I started laying into him.

COPPER 2:
Then what?

COPPER 1:
And he's, like, 'Stop it! You're treating me like a common criminal!' whilst covering his face, his arms, his legs. And I'm, like, 'You *are* a common criminal!'

COPPER 2:
Well, they need telling...

COPPER 1:
I say (WAVES FINGER) 'It's scum like you bringing this area -- no, in fact -- this *country* down!'

COPPER 2:
Finally, the scroats get their comeuppance!

COPPER 1:
I gave him a right going-over. He won't be messing around with all that petty criminal behaviour anymore.

COPPER 2:
So, what was it exactly he did?

COPPER 1:
He'd put more than three grand in his ISA.

COPPER 2:
(SHAKES HEAD) Shocking...

END

THE OLYMPIC TORCH:

EXT. A LONDON STREET – DAY

NOTE: STOCK FOOTAGE SHOWS AN OLYMPIC RUNNER CARRYING THE OLYMPIC TORCH THROUGH A CROWDED STREET. WE HEAR CHEERS.

COMMENTATOR: (V/O) And this Olympic athlete, unstoppable as he approaches the final leg of this mammoth journey.

CUT TO:

A BARRIER HOLDS BACK A CHEERING CROWD AT THE EDGE OF THE ROAD. IN FRONT OF THE BARRIER, TWO YOUNG UNIFORMED POLICEMEN STAND SIDE BY SIDE.

ONE OF THE POLICEMEN PRODUCES A PACKET OF CIGARETTES AND OFFERS ONE TO HIS COLLEAGUE. THE COLLEAGUE ACCEPTS AND BOTH MEN PROCEED TO POSITION A CIGARETTE IN EACH OF THEIR MOUTHS.

THE POLICEMAN FRISKS SEVERAL OF HIS OWN POCKETS FOR A LIGHTER BUT TO NO AVAIL. ALMOST IN THE BLINK OF AN EYE, THE OLYMPIC RUNNER JOGS PAST HOLDING THE BURNING TORCH ALOFT. THE POLICEMAN REACHES OUT AND GRABS THE TORCH AND PROCEEDS TO IGNITE BOTH HIS OWN AND HIS COLLEAGUE’S CIGARETTE.

THE OLYMPIC RUNNER, WHO HAS RUN ON SEVERAL FEET BEFORE REALISING THE TORCH HAS BEEN GRABBED, RETURNS TO CLAIM HIS TORCH. THE RUNNER SNATCHES THE OLYMPIC EMBLEM BACK; WITH A PAUSE AND A GLARE HIS FACE CONVEYS A LOOK OF SHEER EXASPERATION.

THE POLICEMEN UNAFFECTED BY THEIR OWN IMPERTINENCE; SIMPLY RAISE THEIR EYEBROWS AND PUFF AT THEIR CIGARETTES.

END

I announce the competition closed (I hope I can do that)

Let the voting commence!

I give my vote to Frankie. I liked the innuendo.

Quote: Winterlight @ February 7, 2008, 8:58 AM

I announce the competition closed (I hope I can do that)

Let the voting commence!

I give my vote to Frankie. I liked the innuendo.

View original

No you can't you're suspended.

I'm screwing with you WL... But yeah as Mic isn't around, yeah, let the voting being!

(I'll post my vote later, I haven't read everyones yet)

I hope I can vote. MY favourite is Paul W. But the others are good also.

Fred's made me laugh most.

Dan

I'm not around, I'm a square. Thanks for your enthusiasm, it's just adding up votes can be a tad difficult if I'm not entirely sure where they begin!
Vote: PAUL W

vote..Frankie......seems nothing can ever beat hers/his

Jude for me!

Mine goes to Fred Peters.

I'll vote Swerytd.

I vote for Nigel Kelly.