The Sitcom Trials 2013 Page 4

A cUlt Show - I don't get the ending I'm afraid, doesn't seem clear. It's well written with some great ideas it just seems a little off. It's got a quite a light, fun tone with the Mother and crap son/leader and banter between followers but there's burst colostomy bags, castration and murder and that doesn't feel right...I'd go for crapness of the cult rather than evil and nastiness. - MAYBE

All the fun of the fair - 'Phillip Hughes, the rapist' - Nice. Still a good idea for a sitcom this. I think you're better than the gypo/bandit/gay stuff, it all comes off a bit Bernard Manning. This isn't one of your better episodes, but there are some fun jokes and decent lines - MAYBE

ARE WE NOT MEN - The characters are all the same but some of the lines are nice. I guess it's a comment on how many amateur writers write about two blokes trying to have sex so I'm not sure what appeal it has outside of sitcom trials. - No

Bob's Second coming - I'm afraid I'm not convinced by this, I think there's some fun to be had with the idea of Bob, but there's not enough plot going on and and your characters all feel very samey. If this is going to work, you can't just be reliant on religious icons talking like normal people. It's fine for a sketch but if this is going to work as anythin g longer then they need a bit more to them - NO

Cliff and Elaine fall out - funny, but basically a conversation. There is no real plot and it ends very abruptly. But the characters are good and a post-apocalyptic sitcom has potential - MAYBE

Donnie - There really isn't enough to this. It's just two or three conversations. This needs a plot. I'd also thik about whether you want to base anything around such an unpleasant character. He might do for a background character or something, but I don't think he works as your lead - No.

EXPECTING THE WORST - There's not really an awful lot happening. It does seem to be one long conversation. I can see places where the characters do differ but I'm not sure it would pass the cover-the-names-and-you-can-tell-who's-talking test. - No

Fletcher Mallard - Fletcher's brilliant. His wife and daughter are fine but a little familiar and unremarkable. IT's gentle and enjoyable and would be a solid YES if it didn't lose it a bit after the interval. It got a bit confusing, I didn;t really get the preist and flies and everything. If I could I'd give this a Maybe and a half. But I can't - MAYBE

Fourply - It's a sketch. Pace it right with the punchline being that everyone does their best thinking on the bog and it's a pretty decent sketch. But it doesn't work as a longer piece I'm afraid. - No

Giraffe - Reminds me of Just Good Friends from the eighties, which I really liked. This is fine, nicely written and some great lines. But bloke in thirties trying to get his shit together? Girl who's tough on the outside? It's a bit chiched. - MAYBE

HILLY ETCETERA - Right, I don't get this on such a massive scale that I suspect it's just me rather than it. I'm not sure I fell qualified to judge this as I couldn't make sense of it.

I see a penguin - It needs stronger characters. It's s decent premise but cocky chancer/earnest girl has been done to death. Make them unusual, individuals, they're too much like vehicles for tossing out lines to each other - No

In with the new - Everyone is far too similar to each other, there needs to be much better defined characters. It also takes way too long for anything to really happen. Some nice lines though - no

Judgement Day - This seems very heavy on concept. It's not very easy to understand and relate to what's going on here. WEndy seems to be defined as a character by her sexual activity. It needs more laughs as well - No

KING CHICKEN & THE NING-NINGS - Can't be arsed to read this again because I liked it before. If you haven't changed it then my review stands - Very funny. Like the characters, made me laugh. One thing though, Corby sometimes drfits from her hard man persona, I'd just make more of her 'Cole-slaughter' is one of the funniest lines I've read - Yes

Mac Breath - Nice to see female characters not defined by who they sleep with, but the three are all the same. IT's hard to tell who's saying what. More stuff needs to happen as well - No

Mary Godmother - 'Family is more important than family' good early laugh. Good stuff, funny and with a plot. Not sure we need all the characters, feels a bit crowded, and I'm not sure the voices are quite there. Some lines feel odd in a Brooklyn accent but this is a nice script - Yes

Midnight Music - Mine - Yes

Nice - Nice. Liked the characters and they seemed clear although the girls were a little similar. Sebastian's great. Was confused about the set up though. Are we at work? Is it a flatshare thing? Despite that there was a coherent plot some sweet laughs and generally very nice - YES

The No-Hopers - Well, it's the inbetweeners isn't it? In terms of this script, I didn't believe in the Teacher, he didn't sound right. Your boys are too similar as well, if you're going to have another crack at this, I'd certainly cut the boys down to 3 and make them different people - No

Not book smart - I'm sorry. Too offensive for me. I'm sure you don't mean it to, but it comes over as hating woman - No

Out of ideas - I like it. I'm concerned the whole 'Lost' riff is a bit old fashioned but the characters are fresh and funny, it's daft and made me laugh - Yes

Poundland - Didn't we stop laughing at gay people in the seventies? Couldn't tell the difference between the characters. No real plot. Not funny enough - No

Symposium - At best this is seriously misguided. The topic of conversation is unpleasant. Beyond that, the characters are the same and there is absolutely no plot at all - No

Theatre - Cracking bit of writing. I don't think it's a sitcom though, I'd lengthen it and turn it into a film or a play. Careful with the language though. I spotted a 'guy' in there that just leapt out at me. But on the whole really nice, funny work - YES

The Luke Mcardle Sex Chronicles - I remember this from before so I know that Luke's trying to experience all different kinds of sex, hence in this he's being gay. I'm still not sure it really makes sense though. I was following it up to about halfway through and then lost it. I'm not sure about your premise and there's not really enough about Luke to make for an interesting character - No

Spies like us - Going to be singing it all afternoon. I think there's some solid laughes in here and it's starts really well. Plot took too long to kick in and found it a bit hard to follow. If I were you, I'd cut down on the number of characters and just simplify things a bit - MAYBE

Quote: evan rubivellian @ February 2 2013, 1:25 PM GMT

Here are the scores from the Evan jury. If anyone has any questions or points they'd like me to go over in more detail I'm happy to oblige. Just send me a private message.

One thing I would like to mention is that with nearly 40 scripts to read, those writers who took the trouble to make things easy for the reader have my undying love. Some scripts had more stage directions and character profiles than dialogue, and this is quite simply a pain in the arse to read. Often I skipped the character profiles and stage directions entirely and just read the dialogue.

A Cult -- The shit-smeared opening left a bad taste in my mouth. Think of the poor Prop Manager! NO.

All the fun of the fair. Too many characters, and too much stuff going on to follow. Might work if the idea had more room to breathe, but as it is, NO.

Are We Not Men? -- Didn't feel very original and a lot of the jokes seemed too contrived--Womanetta? I did like the taps though. MAYBE.

Cliff and Elaine: Original idea for a sitcom, but the plot didn't go anywhere until right at the very end. NO.

Donnie: The main character felt too unbelievably twattish. NO.

Expecting the worst: Too much talk and not enough tension. NO.

FletcherMallard: I liked the main character, even if the military arse is a bit of a well-worn stereotype. But I didn't buy his reaction to illness. Someone who'd been in the army and seen real action would be more likely to laugh off serious illnesses than overstate minor ones. That said, it's still got a lot going for it. YES.

Fourply: Took too long to get going. NO.

Giraffe: Good, solid writing here. The introduction of characters is handled well and the dialogue is witty. YES.

Hillyecetera: Any script featuring someone's eye being licked by a curry-eater is something I'm definitely going to get behind. YES.

I See a Penguin: This is mine. I hope it has a good future. YES.

In With the New: Format made it difficult to read. NO.

Judgement Day: Too much talk with no forward motion. NO.

King Chicken: Characters didn't grab me. As a sci-fi spoof if didn't offer anything really different to Red Dwarf or Futurama. NO.

Mac Breath: I found it difficult to differentiate the characters. The plot didn't go anywhere for too long. NO.

Mary Godmother: I didn't like the wordplay, which detracted from the characters rather than added to it. Nor did the stereotypical mafia dialogue tropes help. I'd rather see this done a little more realistically with English mobsters. But the idea was good. Am I right into thinking this was made into a sketch by "Breaking Bad" productions. I seem to remember seeing something along these lines. Anyway. MAYBE.

Midnight Music: This felt quite fresh and the writer has obviously put in an effort to make things easy for the reader. Good writing based around characters that did things and stood out. YES.

Nice: Too much talk with no tension, stuff that happened before the present moment. NO.

No-Hopers: Felt like a sketch rather than a sitcom. Didn't find the characters interesting.NO.

Not Book Smart: Too many stage directions getting in the way of things. Difficult to follow. My advice is to let the dialogue do more of the work. NO.

Out of Ideas: Too much stage direction. Didn't grab my interest. NO.

Post-Docs-- Excellent plotting and strong characterisation. Easily, YES.

Poundland: Good start and some funny situations. Felt a little like another retread of The Office at times and "He turns out to be Gay" may have been a good enough plot twist for Benny Hill but not in this day and age. That aside I think the writing is good. Yes.

Second Coming of Christ: The opening wasn't very strong and the characters didn't grab my interest. Very little forward momentum to the dialogue. No.

Sodding House: Opening line was too long and expositioney. Nanny felt like a character from Blackadder. NO.

Spies Like Us: Didn't grab my attention. Opening dialogue didn't really seem to be going anywhere. NO.

Stranded: Actually could be a very good idea for a sitcom, but this execution doesn't do it justice. Lots of talking with nothing actually moving the story forward. NO.

Symposium: A conversation is not the same as a plot. Not enough ideas here. NO.

The Boomerangers: What the hell is going on? If it's just the mother talking why do you keep breaking up the dialogue? Or is she talking with someone else but you made a mistake with the character name? NO.

The Dating Coach: A good idea for a sitcom here, but the execution doesn't do it justice. First, calling the main character "Antivirgin" has the effect of constantly tripping up the eye, making it difficult to read. Also the fact that he's so crap means it's hard to suspend disbelief. NO.

The Incompetent Hustle: The title reveals the tendency for "on the nose" writing which robs the script of tension and sparkle. NO.

The Lord Mayor: Uploaded after the deadline according to the yahoo groups info. NO.

Luke McArdle Sex Chronicles: Didn't seem to be an actual premise to this one. NO.

The Regulars: Dialogue felt awkward, and difficult to read because of the format. Didn't really care about the characters. NO.

The Social Committee: The dialogue seemed good, but the constant stage directions appearing all the f**king time pissed me off so I stopped reading. Let the dialogue do the work. NO.

The Ward: Started off okay, though I think the scene could have been shorter, but then lost wind with the next scene where things felt too expositioney. NO.

Theatre: Don't know if this would have the legs for a sitcom, but certainly works well as a one-off. The dialogue was hilarious in places, but overlong in others and again too many stage directions for easy reading. Nevertheless, YES.

Toyz 4 Boyz. The manager introducing himself to his own staff as the manager felt unrealistic. The subsequent scene tries to do too much and didn't hold my interest. NO.

Umbrellas of London: Best title of the bunch, but the opening scene was confusing to read and lacked punch. NO.

View original

Toyz 4 Boyz. The manager introducing himself to his own staff as the manager felt unrealistic.

' I see we have some new bods, though we are missing a few. '

Jason is addressing new Members of staff, who have not met him yet.

I wouldn't bother justifying stuff by replying. If it's not clear from the script, and solely the script, you need to work on the script to make it clearer.

Dan

Hello!

The votes are in, and they've all now been counted, and double-checked, and the
full results are:

Theatre - 29
Midnight Music - 15
Fletcher Mallard - 14
I See a Penguin -14
Cliff and Elaine Fall Out - 12
The Ward - 12
Giraffe - 11
All the Fun of the Fair - 10
Nice - 10
Toys 4 Boyz - 10

PostDocs - 9
Out of Ideas - 7
Sodding House - 6
King Chicken & the Ning Nings - 5
The Dating Coach - 5
A Cult Show - 4
Are We Not Men - 4
Mary Godmother - 3
The Regulars -2
Umbrellas of London - 2
The Social Committee - 1
Poundland - 0
The Incompetent Hustle - -1
The Luke McArdle Sex Chronicles - -1
Spies Like Us - -2
Fourply - -3
The Second Coming of Christ - -4
Hilly Etcetera - -5
Not Book Smart - -5
Stranded - -5
The Lord Mayor - -5
Donnie's Appraisal - -7
Expecting the Worst - -8
In With the New - -8
Judgement Day - -11
MacBreath - -11
The Boomerangers - -12
Symposium - -13
No-Hopers - -19

Congrats to the writers of the top ten - their scripts will be read by the cast, and at least three will go through to the show at the Wardrobe Theatre on Feb 22nd (tickets available now).

Commiserations to all the other writers - it's a tough competition and it takes
a lot of guts to write a sitcom and enter it into a peer-reviewed contest where
everything's out in the open. Thank you to everyone who took part; I hope you
found the process to be rewarding, and the feedback to be useful.

I'll be in touch with the Wardrobe to ask for comp tickets for the writers
(which should encourage them to attend the show, and to bring with them all
their friends).

Thanks again to everyone.

--Vince

Quote: swerytd @ February 2 2013, 10:26 PM GMT

I wouldn't bother justifying stuff by replying. If it's not clear from the script, and solely the script, you need to work on the script to make it clearer.

Dan

View original

To those of you who are virgins in the retail
dept...erm 'brace yourselves'.

new bods get the lego cages out

you must be a new boy....so I need to know who you are.

I see we have some new bods, though we are missing a
few.

Four lines 'in the script' explaining he is talking to New Staff or expecting them, it helps if you read the script properly, the clues are there, any more times and it would be unrealistic.

Jason is also giving out advice, helpful info and formally introducing his role in the dept that is what you do when new members of staff arrive (he has done this before as EVAN clearly has heard it again & again)

'being in retail like being a jedi' , 'questions you will be asked' 'january, so will be busy'

This is based on my own experience of working ten years in retail and is I'm afraid the un-realistic way that managers behave, IMO its funny in fiction and in real life.

Rant over.

You're through so it obviously made sense to enough people. No point lingering on the POV of one person who has gone out of his way to read thirty-eight, predominantly terrible, sitcom scripts for very little reward. The guy is as mental as me, and may have not have missed what you meant cos of script blindness. Don't take it personally.

Dan

I'm made up to have made the top 10 and the read-through stage - like Vince says it's a very tough comp. Well done to everyone for finishing and entering a script.

Alan

Well done, Alan! Best of luck.

Dan

well done winny type people.

Back to the typewriters for us losey type people, suck it up, pick out what was liked and more importantly what wasn't and try, try again.

Quote: swerytd @ February 3 2013, 10:46 AM GMT

Well done, Alan! Best of luck.

Dan

View original

Thanks Dan :-) I'm slightly gobsmacked Mary Godmother didn't get through. Send the boys round.

Shit happens. Then people disappear...

Congrats again. This episode was much better than the last one, which shows the benefit of (useful) peer feedback and how it helps a script develop.

Dan

Couldn't agree more about the development side. A script is never finished - just versions are produced/submitted. Since I entered my script in the ST I've developed it a good deal more for the Sitcom Mission with having the luxury of more running time.

Back of the football goal net! Congrats to the other top 10 people.

[quote name="Kev F" p

You are invited to submit a 10-minute sitcom script (to guidelines, below). The entries will be selected by our panel of script reading judges, and the lucky shortlist will be showcased on stage, by our teams of professional actors, and voted for by the audience and a panel of judges from the comedy industry. The 5 scripts that prove most popular in the heats will be performed in the grand final at the Edinburgh Fringe where one sitcom will win a cash prize and a development deal with Gilded Balloon Productions.

Hi Kev one question will the judges be independent of the the competition ?

Quote: Nekark Loon @ February 3 2013, 8:25 AM GMT

To those of you who are virgins in the retail
dept...erm 'brace yourselves'.

new bods get the lego cages out

you must be a new boy....so I need to know who you are.

I see we have some new bods, though we are missing a
few.

Four lines 'in the script' explaining he is talking to New Staff or expecting them, it helps if you read the script properly, the clues are there, any more times and it would be unrealistic.

Jason is also giving out advice, helpful info and formally introducing his role in the dept that is what you do when new members of staff arrive (he has done this before as EVAN clearly has heard it again & again)

'being in retail like being a jedi' , 'questions you will be asked' 'january, so will be busy'

This is based on my own experience of working ten years in retail and is I'm afraid the un-realistic way that managers behave, IMO its funny in fiction and in real life.

Rant over.

View original

Hello,

As I said in my original post, I'd be happy to go over my thoughts on your script via pm if you like.

In the meantime congrats to you, the top ten and everyone who took part.

I'm chuffed to get through!