[Two tinny, clipped, upper-class voices amidst a flurry of hiss and crackle throughout]
ONE:Congratulations on purchasing the new Edison Phonograph. This recording shall aid you in learning of its functions.
TWO:Congratulations on purchasing the new Edison Phonograph. This recording shall aid you in learning of its functions.
ONE:I just said that.
TWO: I know, but they might have missed it, if there was a noise.
ONE:What sort of noise?
TWO:The bronchial death of a pet. An almanac toppling from an ottoman. Owls.
ONE:I don't hear any owls.
TWO:No, that's how the contraption works. They can hear us, we can't hear them.
ONE
wls?
TWO:No, phonographic operators. They might have missed your bit.
ONE:Ah, well, in that case they may play the cylinder again.
TWO:Ah! Good point. Go on, do it now, listener; we'll wait.
[Pause]
ONE:Welcome back. You should now have heard us congratulating you on procuring the Edison phonograph, and suggesting that this recording shall aid you in its function.
TWO:Which we shall do, thusly. Hello. This is a phonograph. My voice is not talking to you now, but - well, it is talking to you now, but it's my voice in my now. Where you are it's your now and...
ONE:It's still his voice, but you own a part of it, then, in your now - that is to say...erm...Clarence, do the part about the test.
TWO: Capital idea. We shall now test your phonographic device. You should hear a tone.
[Brief pause]
ONE: Did you hear the tone? It was a hissing tone.
TWO:With some crackle.
ONE: Yes. I was doing a hissing noise, and Clarence was crackling.
TWO:If you didn't hear that noise, your phonograph is malfunctioning, seek the advice of a registered trader.
ONE:And if you don't hear my voice saying this, then take it back, it's completely broken.
TWO:Unless you can't hear our voices because of all the owls, in which case put your head closer.
ONE:You'll now hear another hissy crackly tone, in the left side.
TWO: That is, if you're standing with your left ear towards the phonograph. The crackling hiss shall be in your right ear, if the situation is reversed.
ONE:What if they are sitting down?
TWO:They wouldn't be so slovenly, the good brethren of the phonograph.
ONE:I think they can sit down if they desire...so long as they're in evening attire.
TWO
on't be so vulgar, of course they are. It's evening. In their now. Otherwise they wouldn't have been worried by owls.
ONE:If it's not evening in your now, wait until it is, before listening to any more of this cylinder, otherwise it may cause consternation and confusion. But we can't wait for you to come back this time, we're too busy, sorry.
TWO:Now, you may wonder how the phonograph works. Montague?
ONE: Thank you, Clarence: it's magic.
TWO: Aargh, my soul! My indelible soul!! [Beat] Well, that completes our vocal tour of the phonograph. Good evening, your evening, our morning.
[Pause]
ONE:How many more of these do we have to do?
TWO: Two hundred and fifty.
ONE: Christ, we'd best get moving then. [Clears throat] Congratulations on purchasing the new Edison Phonograph. This recording shall aid you in-
[Sound of phonograph cylinder finishing]
