Skit Comp 13 - 20.1.13

Thanks to John Millar and Gappy for contributing to the least hornworthy comp since I took over the proverbial reins. And congratulations to GAPPY and ME for winning.
Hence:

Votes - Points
1 - 10 - Gappy, Michael Monkhouse

Your new subject: HIGH FINANCE (suggested by Gappy)

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 20.1.13

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Position - Name

83 - 1 - Gappy (just winning by a whisker)
25 - Michael Monkhouse (tart)
21 - 2 - A is for Adam
20 - 3 - Lazzard
15 - 4 - Pingl, Carlos Manwelly, Overlay, Tursiops
11 - 5 - Ishy, Stylee Ting Ting
10 - 6 - Otterfox, Judgement Dave
6 - 7 - 404NotFound
5 - 8 - John Millar, Lee, Shandonbelle, Tuumble, Sootyj
1 - 9 - DubiousG, Steve Sunshine

ALAN: Right, we've tried everything.

MARY: I think we're just going to have to give up. I don't think there's a clear way out of this recession. I guess we're just going to batten down the hatches and ride it out.

STEVE: I've got a little idea.

ALAN: Right.

STEVE: What if we raise interest rates?

ALAN: OK.

STEVE: And lower VAT?

MARY: Uh-uh.

STEVE: And raise...the dead.

MARY: Sorry?

STEVE: The dead. Raise 'em right up!

ALAN: Steve, why does it always come back to necromancy for you?

STEVE: What do you mean?

ALAN: It's your answer to everything. Raise the dead. Empty the graves. You're obsessed.

STEVE: I'm not.

MARY: Oh, come on, we spent hours trying to reanimate corpses last week. Really put a damper on that barbecue.

STEVE: Well, that was the wrong environment, this time it could really be the dream ticket.

ALAN: Steve, there are two reasons why I'm going to reject your proposal. One, there is as yet no empirical data available that post-mortem revivification is feasible. Two, necromancy as a whole is generally perceived to be somewhere on the evil spectrum, and that is an association the current administration doesn't need.

MARY: And, besides all that, I'm still not clear on how reanimating the nation's cadavers will help the economy. What are all these zombies going to do?

STEVE: Our bidding!

ALAN: Which is?

STEVE: Well....loads of things. They could work for free, for a start.

MARY: What, and add another few million onto the list of unemployed? How will that help?

ALAN: Also, Steve, it may have escaped your notice, as I dare say your grimoires are a little out of date, but Britain doesn't actually make anything anymore. It's all service industry. What would it be like having our High Street clothing stores and coffee shops manned by the undead? [Beat] Yes, alright, alright, ignore that comment.

MARY: Steve, I don't think this idea is going to fly. I'm afraid I can't offer my support.

ALAN: Whereas I just think it's mental; shall we move on to other topics?

STEVE: Hah! What do you know? They called Einstein mad.

ALAN: Who did?

STEVE: All those...haters.

MARY: Nobody called Einstein mad. He was a respected physicist working within an academic community towards a definable end, whereas you are a member of a governmental financial think tank who has inexplicably become obsessed with the dark arts. Steve, you've got to let this voodoo stuff go.

STEVE: [Grudgingly] I suppose.

ALAN: Right, discussion closed. We'll tell the minister that we can't offer any simple solution at this afternoon's briefing. This country does not have money or resources to invest in crazy mumbo jumbo. Anything else before we go?

MARY: The time machine - we're not getting very far.

ALAN: That's OK, take another few billion. We'll balance the books once we crack alchemy.

This is an anecdote, which means it doesn't have to be funny. In order to escape the stress of high finance, I decided yesterday evening to commit suicide. Recession, war, Take That... I thought, I'm gonna commit suicide if it bloody kills me. So I leapt into the River Thames - I'm gonna drown if it's the last thing I do - then Joe T. Vanelli the renowned US disc jockey happened to be passing. He saw my plight and with his customary kindness and generosity of spirit leapt in and dragged me to the bank and safety, and here I am. I can honestly say, last night a DJ saved my life.

Tompkins: He was fired, a damned shame. He was a good chap, excellent ballroom dancer.

I mean, until the Barclays scandal most people didn't know what Libor was.

I certainly didn't.

I thought it was an IKEA coffee table.

Narrator: Ladies and gentlemen, these are the words of Barnaby P. Tompkins, Chief Financial Officer of Money, Money, Money; the UKs biggest investment bank.

Mr Tompkins, welcome. Can I start by asking you to comment on the story splashed across the front pages this morning?

Tompkins: Certainly. I, like everyone else am delighted to hear that Katie Price and Peter Andre have resolved there differences and are to re-marry. I very much look forward to watching proceedings on the ITV2.

Narrator: No Mr Tomkins, I'm referring to the revelation that as publicly owned State Bank approaches melt down it's Chief Executive, George Fudgely, will receive a bonus of thirteen million pounds.

Tompkins: Really! Well, well done Fudgey Fudgely. That's tremendous news. It'll be free margaritas at the club tonight.

Narrator: Mr Tomkins, You are the CFO for Money, Money, Money...

Mr Tompkins (sings): Must be funny in a rich man's world.

Narrator: Quite. Mr Tompkins, your company is currently under attack from campaigners because of your questionable investment practices.

Mr Tompkins: An outrageous over reaction. The unemployed make an excellent alternative to fossil fuels. It's a growing industry and we are proud to invest in its future.

Narrator: Bankers get a bad press, why do you think that is?

Tompkins: I honestly don't know. I guess it's like being a Top of the Pops presenter, one of you gets caught fiddling something you shouldn't be and suddenly you're all in the news.

Narrator: Finally, you're a multi millionaire, you could retire tomorrow. Why do you keep going?

Mr Tompkins: Well, I love money. I love money so much. I have three children and in my wallet, as well as money, little photograph of money.

Narrator: Mr Tompkins, thank you.

Tomkins: Thank you.

RAINY CITY SCENE

DAVES SAT IN A DAMP DOORWAY HUDDLED FROM THE STORM

Down & Out Dave: Spare any change mate?

Posh Nob: Certainly not. Where do you people get off? Get a job like the rest of us.

Down & Out Dave: Ahh It aint all that simple boss. I can't get any work cos of all these immigrants. Coming over here, stealing our jobs innit. Cant get nufink round here cos of them lot.

Posh Nob: Well I certainly hear what your saying but for gods sake man make an effort! Go home and scrub yourself up and get down to the Job Centre. Presentation is vital!

Down & Out Dave: I can't get a place cos I don't have a job see? But them lot, fiddlin the EU ain't they! Paying no taxes and all tucked up in one of our new builds! Makes me sick it does sir. Anyfing you got would be muchly appreciated

Posh Nob: OK so say I give you five of the Queens finest pounds, what would you buy? Drugs and drink I bet!

Down & Out Dave: Na mate! I'd hire Polish Frank over there. He sits here all day for me and only charges a couple a quid...

=============
BANK IN CRISIS
=============

F/X: CLOSING DOOR AND FOOTSTEPS

SIR:Ah Smithers. There's a crisis here at the bank. We're about to go bust and desperate measures are necessary. What's the first lesson in business I taught you?

SMITHERS:Never get caught with a prostitute.

SIR: That's right. And the second?

SMITHERS: Always have an escape plan?

SIR: Correct. So I'd like you to take all our remaining assets, 650 billions pounds, and put it on 'Big Mac', the 3:15 at Kempton Park. We can get odds of 250 to 1 at Paddy Power near the traffic lights.

SMITHERS: Really Sir? That doesn't sound a very safe bet.

SIR: Exactly Smithers. You're bound to lose it all. And that's why I'm going to sell you Personal Plonker Insurance. You'll be insured against doing something stupid like losing all our money - and when that pays out, we'll all be rich again and I can go back to bathing in Bollinger.

SMITHERS: But isn't that miss-selling PPI? I'd have to sue the bank and we'd be back where we started.

SIR: Hmmm. Good point Smithers. Take a bonus, deferred until next year to avoid the higher tax rate obviously. But this doesn't solve our current problem does it. I'm afraid we're going to have to adopt our nuclear option.

SMITHERS: Is that like the most extreme option we have?

SIR: Yes. Blow ourselves up. Go and get the petrol can from my car. And I'll fetch the matches.

F/X: ROARING FIRE AND CRACKLING FLAMES.

SMITHERS: The Board Room panelling seems to be burning nicely Sir. Are we fully insured?

SIR: Of course we are. I emailed Sally in finance yesterday to take out extra buildings insurance.

SMITHERS: She's been on holiday for a fortnight.

SIR: Bugger! Let me teach you the third lesson in business Smithers.

My vote to - LippyAlison

A special mention for A is for Adam for a nicely tight and tidy sketch and my vote to Gappy for the silliness.
Alison

I vote Adam, I like the idea of beggars sub-contracting to cheap Polish surrogates.

My vote goes to Adam!

Well played, Adam.

Michael, isn't it about time we reset the scores? I'm sure you used to do that every couple of months, but it seems as though we've been playing this "season" for ever.

Not that I'm upset about being in the lead, mind.

Nice one!
That's cool Gappy, given that you are ever so slightly in the lead. I usually reset the scores every three months then store the results in the Hall of Fame and start all over again. Last time was November so next restart will be February, the very next batch.

Cheers, Michael.

It seems much longer, I guess I've been busy since November.