WIFE

Writers note: Another new one, I thought of this yesterday when out shopping, drew alot from real events here folks so I hope u can all feel my pain lol. This is another I have a rough idea for but Im just gonna type and see where it goes

EXT: SUPERMARKET CARPARK

A MAN IS STOOD NEXT TO A CAR WITH SHOPPING BAGS IN HIS HANDS AND HIS YOUNG DAUGHTER IN HIS ARMS AND LOOKS TO BE STRUGGLING TO REACH INTO HIS POCKET

HUSBAND (to wife): Can you hold the baby please, my keys are in me pocket

WIFE: What the bloody'ell are they doing there!

HUSBAND: (timidly) Well they're in my pocket

WIFE: You were only in the supermarket, why put them in your pocket!?

HUSBAND: Well because thats what your pockets are for

WIFE: (Grabs daughter) Open the f**king door...........

HUSBAND QUICKLY AND OBEYINGLY OPENS DOOR

WIFE: Idoit

CUT:

INT: HUSBAND AND WIFE ARE NOW AT HOME EATING THEIR DINNER

THE WIFE STARES AT HER HUSBAND WHO IS BLISSFULLY UNAWARE WHILE HE EATS AND ENJOYS HIS FOOD.

WIFE: Do you have to chew your food so loudly

HUSBAND: Aye?

WIFE: Shut up, crunch, crunch, crunch

HUSBAND: I'm only eating beans and bread, how much noise can I make?

WIFE: Too much!

HUSBAND STOPS EATING

INT: LIVING ROOM: 2200 HRS

WIFE WATCHES HUSBAND WHO IS BLISSFULLY UNAWARE WHILE HE HAPPILY LAUGHS AT TV

WIFE: Do you have to laugh so loud

HUSBAND: Its funny

WIFE: Well shut up

HUSBAND STOPS LAUGHING BUT WIFE CONTINUES TO STARE

HUSBAND: What now?

WIFE: You! (She mimics him breathing through his noise really loudly)

WIFE: Stop it!

HUSBAND: What? Breathing

WIFE: Yeah...stop it

FADE OUT

FADE IN

PROGRAM ON TV ENDS

WIFE: Can you pass me the TV remote?

HUSBAND DOESNT REPLY

WIFE: Pass me the remote!

HUSBAND DOESNT MOVE SO SHE NUDGES HIM AND HE JUST FALLS TO THE SIDE. SHE CHECKS HIM AND NOTICES HIS NOT BREATHING. WIFE LOOKS AT DEAD HUSBAND AND THEN LOOKS AT THE REMOTE CONTROL ON THE OTHER CHAIR...ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM. SHE LOOKS BACK AT HUSBAND

WIFE: You bastard!

END

Possible change to the end::

Maybe what it needs is to continue the theme of him 'stop doing something' that annoys his wife, even though he is dead he still does something that really annoys her.

May be he is on his way up to Heaven and the Angels are singing a jolly chorus, God is stomping along to welcome him to heaven and he looks really happy and then all you hear is the wife shout up "Shut the f**k up!"

Mmmmm. I'm not to sure about this one. I kinda like it, but somethings off at the end. Maybe I'm wrong, I'll see what other people think.

It's a bit dark Scott!

Not sure where the target audience is -- maybe a bit Jam here!

I think it's quite long and you need to get a couple of one-liners in there if you can to lighten the atmosphere a bit.

Dan

I have been reading back over it and for me alone it depends how I look at it. In one way it can seem quite harsh on face value but in my mind it seems funny because I can picture the way I'd edit it, extreme close ups of facial expressions and I think of it acted in a OTT manner, especially when the wife realises the remote in all across the other side of the room and she'll have to get up to get it.

I think there's a good sketch in there, maybe a group reworking is called for

Hi Scott - you could probably do away with the whole supermarket scene. Not only will it keep the budget down but we don't really need it as there is enough internally to let us know how much of an annoying cow his wife is. I personally don't think it needs 'extra laughs' (as bizarre as that may sound) as I see it kind of building-up to a big ending. However, this means the ending NEEDS to be big which I don't think it is at the moment. Have a wee think and see if you can give us a bigger pay-off as it may well be worth the extra effort.
Hope that makes sense!?
Andy

I enjoy writing in groups and it is one of the things I am looking forward to with the sketch project. Sometimes someone will come up with a good idea or just a character and its good to have others writers contribution. I use to work with someone who could never get an idea when he wanted one, total writers block but the second I came up with something *bam* he'd think of a killer line or addition so any suggestions would be great!

Quote: Scott Evans @ February 22, 2007, 4:40 PM

I enjoy writing in groups and it is one of the things I am looking forward to with the sketch project. Sometimes someone will come up with a good idea or just a character and its good to have others writers contribution. I use to work with someone who could never get an idea when he wanted one, total writers block but the second I came up with something *bam* he'd think of a killer line or addition so any suggestions would be great!

View original

That's how I seem to work best, chipping in ideas here and there.

Maybe what it needs is to continue the theme of him 'stop doing something' that annoys his wife, even though he is dead he still does something that really annoys her.

May be he is on his way up to Heaven and the Angels are singing a jolly chorus, God is stomping along to welcome him to heaven and he looks really happy and then all you hear is the wife shout up "Shut the f**k up!"

Quote: Andy W. @ February 22, 2007, 4:36 PM

Hi Scott - you could probably do away with the whole supermarket scene.

View original

Lol, the reason I thought of this is because the supermarket scene is based on what happened yesterday, word to word

I liked this one very much. Thankfully I don't have a missus like this but I'm sure we all know a candidate..
The only problem I saw was that once she moans about him breathing the ending becomes inevitable. I'd like to see it as a sketch that comes in and out of a show, with other scenarios such as them in bed or on holiday or driving home. The possibilities are endless. Good luck with it.

I agree to cut the Supermarket but maybe add more to the "home" scene. What about him maybe rustling the newspaper or sneezing. The end with the Angels also sounds good.

I think the death ending is class, really funny scene

Maybe once he has died you could have the wife saying some things like...

Do you have to:

dribble like that?
slouch like that?
stare like that?

and then maybe come back to it following a few other sketches, with a "Six weeks later" message come up

Do you have to:

decompose like that?
groan like that/sit up like that/do that? *as the very last bit of air escapes, causing him to slowly raise upright
smell like that?
rot like that? *after one of his limbs falls off, as she's eating her dinner*

I am pissing myself with laughter. Mostly at the post from Imamazed.

I liked it Scot. Well done.

I think she's got a thing about you Ima. Although I do agree. Could be slotted in between sketches as time elapses. (PS - I haven't got a thing about you)

maybe when she stops him breathing she says

WIFE: do you have to turn that shade of blue, i prefer a lighter shade.

and then she wips out a delux paint colour guide and says

WIFE: look i like this one, go this colour.

i know it needs work (my version) but i loved yours i just think that she could still boss him around when he is dying, that would be funny.
but well done.

new sig