British Comedy Guide

My 2 cocks episode 2

"man in the arena" or "not the critic"

"It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat

One of my favourite quotes seemed better than the sketch

Quote: sootyj @ December 1 2012, 7:28 PM GMT

Hi this is my entry to the transexual comedy competitions.

It's the best one I've read so far.

Have you read many?

I liked some of the lines, there were a few good gags in there.
But I lost my way with the premise a bit so wasn't as engaged as I might have been.

I honestly had no idea what was going on. Until you mentioned this...

Quote: sootyj @ December 1 2012, 7:28 PM GMT

Hi this is my entry to the transexual comedy competitions.

Quote: sootyj @ December 1 2012, 7:28 PM GMT

Page setting is as neat as I can get it.

PM me, if you ever need it to be formatted. I have some form of undiagnosed dyslexia too. I honestly have to reread lines multiple times and get headaches and eye strains reading a bunch of text. I only really navigate towards sketches that are simple, short and to the point.

As the for the material, well. I'm not really sure? Something about gays, shootings and the name Phelps... are you sure this isn't topical?

I wish I could offer some feedback but I was totally lost throughout.

ok it sucks thanks for letting me know guys

the original version

https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/23385/

Now now, soots! It wasn't my intention to come here an "bum" you out!

If I can offer you one suggestion? It would be to drop that POV direction. I don't know why but I don't like it.

I think the Francis character was the easiest to understand, he was a cliche or a clich-gay! But if you could make the other character's dialogue as clear as his, then you maybe onto a better script.

It's dire.

No, no I've had no issue over telling others to start over and they suck.

So I can't be snitty if I write stuff that sucks and get called out on it.

It's both fair and helpful.

Like the government.

Quote: Badge @ December 16 2012, 10:57 PM GMT

It's dire.

But is it Danny Dire?

I think my sketch brain just aint working at the moment, so I'll give it a break for now.

I don't think it matters whether this particular script sucks or not. What I believe you need to work on is the dialogue, not the material. This one didn't hit, some don't - move on.

But your dialogue needs to be worked on, reedit this sketch so it's at least comprehensible. Learn that skill first and then concentrate on the material.

We all know you can write jokes and that's something you'll be constantly learning throughout your writing life anyway. But you're being held back by messy dialogue. It has nothing to do with your dyspraxia or your spelling or your formatting. You are missing a rhythm, a tone, a beat a naturalistic voice. And without those qualities, whatever you write, however funny gets lost in a sea of unpretty dialogue.

It's like Joe Orton's in the room.

Now where's my hammer?

Quote: Lee @ December 16 2012, 11:06 PM GMT

I don't think it matters whether this particular script sucks or not. What I believe you need to work on is the dialogue, not the material. This one didn't hit, some don't - move on.

But your dialogue needs to be worked on, reedit this sketch so it's at least comprehensible. Learn that skill first and then concentrate on the material.

We all know you can write jokes and that's something you'll be constantly learning throughout your writing life anyway. But you're being held back by messy dialogue. It has nothing to do with your dyspraxia or your spelling or your formatting. You are missing a rhythm, a tone, a beat a naturalistic voice. And without those qualities, whatever you write, however funny gets lost in a sea of unpretty dialogue.

I wouldn't bother taking writing advice from a man who by his own admission cannot read a 'bunch of text'.

It's also interesting that a few people gave you feedback even though they admitted they didn't understand it or follow it.

It's very good and the context of the competition it will be understood, but that's all the feedback you get from me because I'm obviously not going to help you win. Smarmy

Quote: Godot Taxis @ January 14 2013, 1:46 PM GMT

I wouldn't bother taking writing advice from a man who by his own admission cannot read a 'bunch of text'.

Ohh, I'd give you some advice. ;)

you know it's a bit of fun I wrote in half an hour because I thought it was an amusing pastiche of some of the ideas in the transexual comedy thread. Which I amamused to see how seriously some posters are taking.

If it got the occaisonal chuckle I'm happy.

Thanks for feedback Badge (sorry if I gave the impression it was more than it was), Godot (I think we may be too much on the same wavelength) and Sunshine.

As for you Lee I long since gave up trying to work out what your problem is with me?

Yes there are a handful of commas out of place, sorry for that.

Quote: sootyj @ January 14 2013, 3:45 PM GMT

As for you Lee I long since gave up trying to work out what your problem is with me?

Oh I'm sorry, I thought you were in on the joke and could take the gentle ribbing everyone gives each other on the forum.

I offered feedback, critique and tried to be encouraging towards your writing. I believe you're just reading into something that isn't there.

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