My 2nd attempt at an idea. Any feedback please?

Hi, sorry to be pestering for feedback but I'd really like to hear what anyone thinks. I had a go at writing previously and posted it on the critique forum and was delighted to receive some comments.

This is an idea I had rattling in my head for a while and decided to have a bash at writing a couple of pages at the weekend.

Hindlee - The Life of a Media Slag

Episode One

Interviewer - young-ish, formal and professional looking. Very much a BBC newsreader type

Interviewer:
Celebs, from the great and good through the B, C and D-listers all the way to the self-promoting social parasites that litter the popular press and take up valuable oxygen. This generation, more than any other have embraced celebrity worship and allowed it to be taken to a whole new level. Newspapers and magazines feature glaring headlines of the lives of people who are famous for the sake of being famous, Jordan, Jodie Marsh, Katie Price and that one from the Iceland adverts. But by far the worst of these horrendous slags has to be Hindlee.

(Turns to reveal Hindlee, is sat right next to them - Hindlee probably doesn't need to be described if you know the type. A young woman who any attractiveness she possessed has been extended, enhanced and exhibited, the rest is spray tanned orange)

Interviewer:
Hello Hindlee.

Hindlee:
Hello

Interviewer:
Firstly, I think we should clear up the issue of your name

Hindlee:
That's right. Now my real name is Jemma Royd. But like my showbiz name is Hindlee. I like to think that Emma Royd is the more hidden part of me, tucked away but always there. I like to keep it more private from public view

Interviewer:
Does this sometimes cause you difficulties?

Hindlee:
Sometimes a bit of a pain in the arse

Interviewer:
And where did the name Hindlee come from?

Hindlee:
I wanted to be sort of like those models from the 1960's, like Twiggy and that. And there's this one always photographed in black and white, looking all serious, so I took her name, Myra Hindley, but I thought I'd just use the last name, more sexy and mysterious. And I made it more fun with the two ee's

Interviewer:
Incredible. Now, you first came to prominence when you were still in your early teens, is that right?

Hindlee:
That's right. I was in teen girl group, JL B8

Interviewer:
JL B8? And where did the name of the group come from?

Hindlee:
I dunno. There was 8 of us. Like S Club 7

Interviewer:
What about the JL B part? Did that stand for anything? Like ELO or OMD

Hindlee:
I know like, hello?!! OMG!

Interviewer:
You don't perhaps think it may have been to promote you to a potentially pederast audience, the traditional "dirty old man market". J L B8, Jail Bait?

Hindlee:
No, it was just 8 young girls, having fun, dancing, wearing make-up and little dresses and going clubbing with music execs

Interviewer:
You don't think that sometimes the lyrics sometimes were a trifle risqué for such a young group? For example, from your song "Young and Fun" we have the lyrics, "Take me tonight"

Hindlee:
Yeah, like take me to a party tonight

Interviewer:
"It'll be so tight"

Hindlee:
Tights' an expression like good

Interviewer:
"Although I'm young, it'll be such fun. Do me, do me, do me tonight."?

Hindlee:
I don't get what you're trying to say

Interviewer:
The career of JL B8 was obviously cut short from its limited shelf life by the public scandal of two of your band mates, Heidi and Chantal actually having been in their early thirties.

Hindlee:
I know. I was totes amazed by that. After that, no-one really wanted to buy our music. I've tried to get the old group back together for like a reunion concert but Heidi and Chantal just want to spend time with their grandkids now so they're not interested.

Interviewer:
Your manager from your time in the group, Brian Frankstein wasn't able to take part in this programme was he?

Hindlee:
No, unfortunately he's busy helping police with their enquiries about Operation Yewtree or something

Interviewer:
Do you have any comments to make regarding the allegations?

Hindlee:
I do as it happens! She's a lying cow! It was supposed to have been when I was 15 and he was seeing me at the time and he swore he never cheated! And she's a minger anyway

Interviewer:
Following your fame as part of a group you then went on to attempt a solo career

Hindlee:
Yeah. I felt like I could offer more musically by being individually on my own. So I released my first solo album "Hindlee". It took me ages to think of a title.

Interviewer:
Your debut single went it to the top 40, where it peaked at number 40

Hindlee:
Little known fact, but my album is actually the only album in history that no-one has ever tried to download illegally

Interviewer:
The NME review upon its release was simply "My ears are bleeding"

Hindlee:
That's happened to me before when you stick a cotton bud in too far, it's nasty. But what I don't get is why the person wrote about their medical problems and not a review of my album. Course, he might just have just sent the wrong thing in to the magazine. I did that before, for my GCSE English coursework I accidentally handed in a More Magazine. I got a B!

At this point Hindlee's mother walks in. She is the living embodiment of the Essex girl jokes of the '80's (except no longer quite so girlish); she readjusts her boobs to a perkier position

Sharonda:
Oooh, I didn't know you was in here filming?

Hindlee:
You've been getting ready all morning

Sharonda:
No I haven't. I was doing my Pilates. (To the interviewer) I'm very flexible you know. If I'd have known you was down here I'd have made a bit of an effort. These are just my work-out clothes. Anyway, I'm Hindlee's mummy, Sharonda. People reckon we look like sisters though, don't they? I was a very young mum of course. I could have been famous myself you know, but my little girl's doing all that for me now, ain't ya babe?

Interviewer:
So you're living vicariously?

Sharonda:
Ooh, no! I don't like heights

Interviewer:
So, tell me Mrs. Royd...

Sharonda:
It's not Mrs., it's Miss (placing hand on Interviewer's knee) and you can call me Sharonda. You can call me anytime (winks)

Interviewer:
What exactly happened to thwart your own ambitions to make you desperately pin your hopes on your daughter?

Sharonda:
Well, many things really. I was very nearly in Basic Instinct. Then that bitch Sharon Stone got the part and the rest is history. That part had been written for me you know

Sharonda crosses and uncrosses her legs, fortunately we can't see anything but it looks as though the interviewer is not so lucky

Hindlee:
Shut up mum. They haven't come to talk to you. This is all about my career as a singer/glamour model/ actress/ writer / entrepreneur.

Interviewer:
And what is it you have been doing most recently?

Hindlee:
Well, I'm currently just releasing a fragrance

Interviewer:
Oh, dear. Should I open a window?

Hindlee:
I'm calling it L'Estuaree. For the woman what knows what she wants, and what she wants is to buy my perfume and smell like me.

Lots of funny stuff here, lots of laughs and enjoyed reading BUT... There is no storyline so it is not a sitcom, and there is no punchline so it is not a sketch.

It's only my opinion but it seems to me that you can write 'funny' but you might need to look at structure. There's lots of advice on here, regarding what books are best and what competitions / open subs to enter for practice. Or look at scripts on BBC Writers Room to see how they do it.

Good luck, stick with it.

Thank you again for the feedback, very much appreciated.

There is more to this that will perhaps provide a bit more structure to it, which I can add if you like. Last time I put something on this forum it was a bit too long being an entire episode.

In this episode I want to also introduce Hindlee's younger half-brother Jayvon, who isn't really gay but is pretending to be to please his mum. Nana, a senile geriatric prostitute and Hindlee's agent and publicist Cliff Maxwell.

I wanted the episodes to follow a fly on the wall documentary with this episode ending as Hindlee tries to sneak into a book shop with several copies of her book to try to do an impromptu signing.

This is very much an extended sketch and it works quite well as that.
The jokes are erm rather well aged. But there's enough of them and they come fast enough it doesn't matter.

The characters are also well formed.

I'd break it up into snap shot sketches if I was you and add some sort of a twist.

Maybe make her a shemale and go for the BBC competition?

Agree that what you have feels like an overextended sketch rather than a sitcom. The secondary characters you mention sound considerably more promising than the rather predictable mum, but you're still in danger of writing something that's treading on the same territory as Extras/Life's Too Short but with a much shallower central character. They'd work as running characters on a sketch show, but sitcom is a close enough cousin of drama for the audience to need to empathise with, sympathise with, hate or be constantly surprised by the behaviour of the lead characters.

Some of the jokes feel far too forced (if you want to be broadcast: the less said about Operation Yewtree the better: I think the lines about JLB8 and ...that party with music execs can probably survive as at least they'll get more laughs than complaints). There are good lines though, "Little known fact, but my album is actually the only album in history that no-one has ever tried to download illegally" definitely enough in there for a sketch.

Your other script was better.

I might as well put the rest of it up here for the hell of it. See what you think.

....................

Sharonda:
I used to shoplift perfume. It was obsession

Interviewer:
You were a compulsive kleptomaniac

Sharonda:
The perfume, it was Obsession, I used to like that Opium as well

There is a shuffling noise in the hallway, through the open door we see a very old lady dressed in bondage gear lead a younger man to the front door, he furtively hands her a wad of money and leaves

Hindlee:
Sounds like nana's out of bed now mum

Sharonda:
Bless her, she'll be wanting a nice cup of tea I'll bet

Hindlee:
Well go on then. I told you this show is about me.

Interviewer:
Well I think whatever viewers we have that are likely to tune it to this pile of showbiz entertainment might be interested in meeting your family

Hindlee:
OK, well you've met my mum unfortunately. Other than that we've got nana living here and my little brov Jayvon. He's upstairs, come on I'll show you.

Hindlee leads the interviewer and camera man upstairs, flashing her arse as she walks up,

Hindlee:
(Bangs on bedroom door) Jayvon! I'm coming in

As she leads the interviewer into the room, Jayvon (aged around 16 years old) hurriedly changes his room flipping round pin-up girlie posters to those of gay icons, covering an x-box by chucking a feather boa over the top.
Jayvon:
(nervously to camera) Hi

Hindlee:
Jayvon's gay, aren't you babes?

Jayvon:
(not convincingly) That's right. I'm really, really gay. I'm so gay that if people hijack my facebook status they write that I'm straight

Interviewer:
And have your family been supportive of your coming out

Jayvon:
Yeah, they were all for me being homo

Interviewer:
And whats been the hardest thing?

Jayvon:
Probably the having whole knobs up the bum thing

Interviewer:
I mean at school has there been any bullying? How do you take it?

Jayvon;
Umm, up the arse I think

Interviewer:
And when did you have your first gay experience?

Jayvon:
I think it was when mum made me watch Hairspray with her

Hindlee:
It's funny but Jayvon still has never had a boyfriend yet. I told him he needs to come clubbing with me. I meet loads of gay blokes

Interviewer:
Do you go out to a lot of gay clubs then?

Hindlee:
I meet them everywhere. Almost every guy I speak to, I say hello and they tell me that they're gay. I must be like a gay icon or something

Interviewer:
And what about the rest of your family?
Hindlee:
Well my dad's not here at the moment.

Interviewer:
Where is he?

Hindlee:
I don't know, I've never met him

Interviewer:
What do you know about him from what your mother has told you?

Hindlee:
That he definitely was at a party 9 months before I was born and he might have had a moustache

Hindlee leads the interviewer through to another bedroom door. She opens it and it is set up like a dungeon

Hindlee:
This is nana's room. She's got a load of mobility stuff in here as you can see. She can't get about much anymore. Spends most of her time in bed now but she likes her visitors to come up and visit her. And she's a big football fan. She's always on at me to try to introduce her to that Wayne Rooney

Sharonda:
(shouting upstairs) Hindlee! What are you doing upstairs with that man?

Hindlee:
Nothing mum, just showing him around

Sharonda:
(coming up the stairs) Good, 'cause he's not famous. I don't want you shagging no-one that isn't properly famous. If you haven't had a gagging order by the end of this I'm going to be very disappointed in you

Hindlee:
I'm doing my best. Turns out Alex Reid wanted to tell more people about it than I did

Sharonda:
Has my baby boy been on camera yet?

Hindlee:
We just saw him

Sharonda:
Jayvon, come on out here. He's going to be a little star. It was the happiest day of my life when he came out as gay. I always wanted a gay son, to be like a best friend to talk about men and sex and go shopping. Ever since he was little I was sure he was gay. I used to ask him every day, "Jayvon, are you gay?" And everytime he'd answer "No, mum" then one day he said "Yes, if it makes you bloody happy, I'm gay" so I was right

Jayvon:
What mum?

Sharonda:
Here he is. We're putting him on X Factor this year now that he's old enough. I'll even make sure his nana dies just before he goes on if that'll help

Jayvon:
I'm busy at the moment mum

Sharonda:
Have you spent all day on Twitter?

Jayvon:
No

Sharonda:
Why the hell not? Anyway do something gay babes

Jayvon:
You what?

Sharonda:
Give us a little show tune
Jayvon:
(unenthusiastically and awkwardly sings) I am what I am, I am my own special creation, life's not worth a damn til you can say I am what I am
Sharonda:
(coos and claps) Isn't he lovely. If he was northern he'd be just like that Billy eliot in that film Kes.

Interviwer:
So Hindlee, you were going to take us along to your book signing today. I believe this will be your 5th account of your life story?

Hindlee:
It is, this one will be an even more intimate and moving account of my life than was in the last 4 books

Interviewer:
So what have you done in the last 6 months that hasn't been covered in the magazines in that time

Hindlee:
I don't know, I haven't read it

Interviewer:
It seems amazing to me that you must have "written" more books than you've actually read

Hindlee:
I plan to write an erotic novel next, like 50 Shades of Grey, but I don't want mine to be too intellectual and that like that one was. At least I've got lots of personal experience to draw on, I've just got to find one of my old diaries. I'm going to call it "A Night Under the Stars"

Interviewer:
I'm surprised to say that's quite a nice title.

Hindlee:
It's about the night I met Michael Douglas, Russell Brand, Charlie Sheen, Tiger Woods and Ryan Giggs at the same party

Exterior daytime- outside Aldi's supermarket. Hindlee is scurrying in her arms laden with copies of her book.
Interviewer:
(VO) I follow Hindlee to her book signing at Aldi. There seem to be a lot of customers in the store but I believe this was due to it being a Saturday afternoon and a busy shopping day rather than interest generated in Hindlee's book.

We follow Hindlee into the store where she sets herself up by the main entrance. A store manager approaches her

Store Manager:
Who are you? What are you doing here? You can't set up a stall in the shop. You'll have to leave

Hindlee:
I'm Hindlee, famous celebrity singer/glamour model/ actress/ writer / entrepreneur. I'm here to promote my book "Hindlee, my real life true tragic pain" (She holds up the book and makes a deliberately pained face matching the one on the cover)

Store Manager:
Who authorized this event? We don't do book signings here. I'm not sure we even sell books

Hindlee:
My agent and publicist Cliff Maxwell told me he'd organized everything. I was to come here and pick him up a packet of turkey drummers and a bag of oven chips when I'm done

Store Manager:
I will have to go back in the office and check this out, you wait here and don't do anything until I get back

Interviewer:
In this book it's revealed you were involved in an aggressive sexual assault with another celebrity, do you have anything else to say about that?

Hindlee:
If you mean that time with Harry Styles, it wasn't an assault, I just misread the signals that's all. He doesn't have to go round saying I assaulted him

Interviewer:
No, in the book it says you were attacked by another celebrity

Hindlee:
Does it? I'll have to read this one then. Who does it say it is?

Interviewer:
It doesn't. There's a competition entry slip at the back for readers to send in their guesses and win a prize.

Hindlee:
Please God, let it be someone fit. If I'm associated with one more ugly bloke Nuts Magazine will never interview me again with my top off. They don't want to know about girls that their readers might actually have a chance at shagging.

The Store Manager strides back over to them

Store Manager:
I have called our head office. They say they haven't authorized this.

Hindlee:
Do you know who I am?

Store Manager:
Yes they do and they don't want anything to do with you. They said that the last thing Aldi want to be associated with is anything cheap and nasty. Please leave quietly and don't want to have to cause a scene.

Hindlee:
Well I do. I want my money for having come here.

Store Manager:
We're not in the habit of paying people to come into our store. We're mainly of the habit of letting people come here for nothing and then they buy something and go away.

Hindlee:
I need my money! My mum's spent all cash I got from when I did my spread in Razzle and my Nana needs a new swing above the bed for some reason.

Store Manager:
Please go away now Miss Hindlee. At a push I can give you a can of beans and a bottle of our own brand cola as a token of goodwill.

Hindlee:
Soooo, you're offering me an appearance fee of some Heinz beans and some Coca Cola?

Store Manager:
Own brand beans, own brand cola.

Hindlee:
I don't think your quite understanding why I'm here. This is all about sharing the beautiful gift that is my story with the world. (Holds up book) Here's a signed copy "My Real Life True Tragic Pain" I don't think you're quite getting my pain here are you? Let me share it with you

Hindlee decks the store manager with the book, knocking him out cold. She runs to a checkout, pushes the assistant out the way and stuffs handfuls of cash down her top

Hindlee:
(To interviewer) Don't just stand there, you gonna help or what?

The Interviewer is just stood there looking aghast

Hindlee:
(running with a cleavage full of notes, cash in both hands and a trail of notes falling behind her) Just as well this place is cash only. I haven't been this minted since I made that "Countdown to my 16th Birthday" Erotic Advent Calendar. Come on just grab my books for twats sake.
The Interviewer picks up the books and hurriedly follows Hindlee. She makes a final "Woo hoo" to the security camera, waving the cash around and posing suggestively.

The next scene is in a studio, Hindlee is having finishing touches done to her make up
Interviewer:
(VO) Following Hindlee's arrest for assault and robbery it was uncertain whether Hindlee would have any career to come back to. Despite my best hopes, she received a call from her agent Cliff Maxwell, advising her that he had arranged a lucrative advertising campaign for her.
Cut to Hindlee's advert
Hindlee:
Ever wanted to get your hands on cash quickly. I know I have (footage of her on CCTV shown) If you don't have time to see a bank manager or pull off a robbery then check out Cash Cows. Cash Cows can offer you a loan, pay you cash for any unwanted gold you might have just lying about the place, trade in your mobile, CDs and car. For low amounts of cash at high interest rates. Come to Cash Cows. We're the ones for Moooo

Interviewer:
Join us next time when Hindlee will be a guest on Celebrity Most Spooky.

Cut to trailer scene of Hindlee on night vision camera.

Hindlee:
Does this look like my sex tape? (bends over with rear to camera, looks over shoulder suggestively, mimes oral sex) How about now?

I'm still not sure what this is but I am really enjoying it now! It's very funny and reminds me a lot of Star Stories. I think my only concerns with it are; as before, it's format fits neither traditional sketch nor sitcom, and the person it's parodying may be generally considered "beyond parody", BUT, I'd totally watch this, I think it's great!

Still feels like your character is too irritating and shallow for a sitcom, but the scene with the "gay" son was pretty funny.

With editing it would work as two or three solid sketches. If you were to do a storyline I'd love to see Hindlee introduce Jayson to a "gay" guy that's just declined her advances though...

I've been giving this some thought and agree that I would probably need to give my main character some hidden depths, I was thinking I might try and flesh out my interviewer and perhaps try to give them a Professor Higgins/ Eliza Doolittle thing going on, what do you think?

I've been giving this some thought and agree that I would probably need to give my main character some hidden depths, I was thinking I might try and flesh out my interviewer and perhaps try to give them a Professor Higgins/ Eliza Doolittle thing going on, what do you think?

Hi Mutley

I've only had time to read the first part, but I have to say that so far I liked your other one better.

Some of the jokes are good- 'nobody downloaded the music, etc' and 'releasing a fragrance' gave me a chuckle. I wonder if the characters are a bit too stereotypical, but maybe it changes in part two.

Having said that, interestingly, I'm still waiting to be told by you in the body of the work whether 'the interviewer' is male or female. Should I make an assumption?

I wasn't sure at first but I'm now thinking male, a sort of Louis Theroux/ Martin Bashir type only a lot more sarcastic