Hi All
A couple of years ago I wrote 6 episodes of a sitcom (intended for TV) based on my first experience of work at a small, local chartered accountancy practice during 1988.
I was very lucky at school, in that I was surrounded by friends that were all funny in their own way.I also count mmyself lucky that for a few years after having left school; work seemed like a continuation of 'having a laugh' before things inevitably became serious as I grew up and became serious about my career.
The first ten pages below, serve as an introduction to the main characters and hopefully provides several laughs along the way. Further into the episode, I like to think that the humour continues to build as I also think is the case with all other episodes.
Last year, I came up with a couple of other ideas and have not quite completed the first episode for either of these. I might also upload those to gage whether any of my 3 ideas so far might be worth pursuing.
Thanks for taking your time to review the script below and apologies for the long intro:
WITHIN THE OPENING CREDITS SHOW AN EXTRACT FROM THE BROS VIDEO "When will I, will I be famous?" FOLLOWED BY A BRIEF CLIP OF AN INTERVIEW WITH THE GOSS TWINS; MATT AND LUKE.
OPEN PLAN OFFICE
5 MEN ARE SAT AT THEIR DESKS WORKING. KEV, THEIR COLLEAGUE A SHORT, SICKLY LOOKING MAN ARRIVES AT HIS DESK, HE IS FLUSTERED.
KEV (IS 32, BUT LOOKS OLDER AND SPEAKS WITH A SOFT GEORDIE ACCENT)
Morning lads.
EVERYONE
Morning Kev.
KEV
Here, I tell yas, it was touch and go on the way here, this morning.
JOHN (IS IN HIS LATE 20s, HE SPEAKS AND LOOKS LIKE A RADIO 1 DJ DURING THE 1980s)
Hey, Kev are you alright mate?
KEV
I was frightened for me life.
DAN
Kev mate, what happened to you?
KEV
I was sat on the train, waiting for it to pull out of Hitchin station, when all these schoolgirls started bangin' excitedly on the winda, shouting and screamin'.
EVERYONE STOPS WHAT THEY ARE DOING AND LISTENS INTENTLY TO KEV.
KEV (CONT'D)
loook its Luke and others were sayin' nahh its Matt and they started singin', "When will I, will I be famous?" I hid my face in shame man, it was so humiliating, the other passengers just kept staring at us.
EVERYONE LAUGHS.
KEV (CONT'D)
God knows what would have happened, if there hadn't been a bobby on the platform.
DAN (IS 19 AND IS GOOD LOOKING)
Kev despite your dark hair, pallid complexion and the fact that you're at least 15 years older than them, you do bear an uncanny resemblance to the blond blue eyed teenage heartthrobs that are the Goss twins. It's an easy mistake for a bunch of innocent school girls to make.
KEV
Aye, I suppose it is. Joking aside mind, it's a good thing that I'm sat here opposite the winda with the sun beamin' upon me face. It's as if the rays are reflecting me good looks onto all of yas. Have ya noticed how good loooking everyone's become since I started workin' here? I mean look at you Dan...
DAN NODS IN AGREEMENT
KEV (CONT'D)
..you were alright like before I arrived, but now you're as good as them fillum stars. John even you've become more handsome.
JOHN MOCKINGLY ACKNOWLEDGES KEV.
KEV (CONT'D)
And MoredickthanI is nowhere near as ugly as he once was.
DARREN (ALSO 19, WEARS GLASSES AND SPORTS A MULLET HAIRCUT. HE LOOKS DISAPPROVINGLY AT KEV AND PRESSES HIS RIGHT HAND INDEX FINGER ON HIS GLASSES IN AN ATTEMPT TO LOOK AUTHORITATIVE)
Kevin, I really do not appreciate comments like that and I certainly do not appreciate my name, Mordecai being sullied.
KEV
Oh come on, MoredickthanI hardly sullies your name, it's a compliment. Mind you it's not true.
DARREN
How do you mean?
KEV
Well I'm hung like a horse, me.
OVERHEARING THE BANTER, STEVE A MANAGER POPS OUT OF HIS OFFICE. HE LOOKS LIKE OLIVER HARDY WITH GLASSES.
STEVE
What are you going on about Kevin?
KEV
I was just sayin', have ya noticed how goodloookin' everyone's become since I've been working here?
STEVE SHAKES HIS HEAD, ROLLS HIS EYES AND TURNS TO DAN.
STEVE
Dan can you pop in a sec mate?
DAN
Sure Steve.
STEVE'S OFFICE
STEVE , DAN AND A NEW COLLEAGUE ARE TALKING.
STEVE
Dan this is Selchuk, the latest addition to the team.
DAN
Hello.
SELCHUK SMILES AT DAN.
STEVE
Selchuk likes to be known as Simon, which makes life easier for all of us.
DAN (SHAKES SIMON'S HAND)
Nice to meet you Simon.
SIMON (SPEAKS WITH A HEAVY GREEK CYPRIOT ACCENT)
Nice to meet you too Dan.
STEVE
Simon's here on a return to work initiative for the long term unemployed. He won't mind me saying that he hasn't got any experience yet, he's here to learn. Are you ok for him to shadow you for these first few days?
DAN
No problem Steve, my pleasure.
DAN LOOKS INTENTLY AT SIMON.
DAN (CONT'D)
I know you, I'm sure I do, didn't you used to be a milkman?
SIMON (LAUGHS)
Yes that's right.
DAN
I used to see you on my way to school. Bit of a change isn't it, Accountancy?
SIMON (STILL CHUCKLING)
Yes, it is, I hope to get the qualified.
STEVE
Anyhow chaps I need to crack on.
DAN
Sure Steve.
ALL THREE EXIT STEVE'S OFFICE. DAN RETURNS TO HIS DESK ACCOMPANIED BY SIMON. STEVE TURNS TO JOHN.
STEVE
John, how did you get on at MK Motors yesterday?
JOHN
Not bad, not bad at all Steve. I need to pop back there later today. Just a few loose ends to tidy up, so to speak.
STEVE
Mmm, taking a bit of time that one John. Can we talk about what remains to be done, chez moi?
JOHN (GLANCES AT HIS WATCH)
Of course we can, but first as you well know, at this time of the day, I have some pressing business to attend to chez loo.
JOHN GETS UP FROM HIS DESK AND PICKS UP HIS COPY OF THE SUN NEWSPAPER. STEVE LOOKS A LITTLE IRRITATED.
STEVE
You sure you're not smoking in there John?
JOHN
Steve, I can't smoke in there, any more than I can in here. I've told you, I've given up. I'll pop by in 20 mins.
JOHN EXITS AND STEVE RETURNS TO HIS OFFICE. A SPRIGHTLY, BALD, MATURE MAN WALKS IN, HE NOTICES SIMON SAT NEXT TO DAN.
HAROLD
Hello there, you're a new face.
DAN
Harold this is Simon, Simon this is Harold.
THEY SHAKE HANDS, HAROLD SITS DOWN AT HIS DESK.
SIMON (STARES INTENSELY AT HAROLD)
Harold, you look to me like you might be a keen gardener.
HAROLD (SMILING PROUDLY)
How insightful of you Simon, yes I am. Mind you, it's only vegetables for me, I can't be fussed with plants and flowers. Weather permitting, I'm out there as often as I can be.
SIMON
What types of the vegetables do you grow?
HAROLD
You name it Simon, I grow it.
SIMON
Hmmm, (SIMON RAISES HIS HAND TO HIS CHIN LOOKING THOUGHTFUL), do you grow the Aubergine?
HAROLD
No, can't say I do Simon, no I don't have any Aubergines in my garden.
SIMON
Then what about the Courgette?
HAROLD
No, you've got me there Simon, can't say that I grow them either.
DAN'S PHONE RINGS, HE PICKS IT UP, CLOSE UP ON DAN.
DAN
Hello.
SWITCH TO RECEPTION, PAT THE RECEPTIONIST HAS CALLED DAN; A YOUNG, EXCEPTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE GIRL WHO LOOKS IRRITATED IS STANDING IN FRONT OF HER.
PAM
Hi Dan, Caroline's here to see you.
DAN (CLOSE UP ON HIS PAINED EXPRESSION)
Pam, please ask her to wait outside and tell her that I'll be with her in two ticks.
SIMON (CONTINUES HIS CHAT WITH HAROLD)
Ahhh, perhaps you grow the red pepper?
DAN (TURNS TO SIMON)
Sorry Simon, I'll just be a few minutes.
DAN GETS UP AND WALKS AWAY. SIMON GETS UP AND FOLLOWS DAN.
HAROLD (HEAD DOWN LOOKING THROUGH SOME PAPERS)
Ooooh, no not quite, nothing like that Simon, but I do grow....(HE STOPS TALKING, AS HE NOTICES SIMON FOLLOWING DAN)
WE STICK WITH DAN AND SIMON UNTIL THEY REACH THE RECEPTION AREA. DAN TURNS ROUND AND NOTICES THAT SIMON IS BEHIND HIM.
DAN
Sorry, Simon, perhaps I didn't make myself clear. I need to take a break for a few minutes.
SIMON
Oh I know, I just thought I'd introduce myself to Pam. (HE SMILES WRYLY).
DAN DESCENDS THE STAIRCASE AND PASSES THE POSTMAN WHO IS ON HIS WAY UP TO RECEPTION.
RECEPTION
POSTMAN (SURPRISED TO SEE SIMON)
Hello Simon, I haven't seen you in a while, what are you doing here?
SIMON
I work here now, I am no longer the milkman.
POSTMAN
Good for you! Actually, seeing as you work here, I'm glad I bumped into you. You might be able to help me.
SIMON
Well, I'll do what I can.
POSTMAN
It's not for me, it's my brother, he's a builder you see. Only, he's a bit late in sorting out his taxes. He's got all his papers together, he just needs to get it all sorted.
SIMON NODS SAGELY, LISTENING INTENTLY AS THE POSTMAN CONTINUES TO EXPLAIN.
STEVE'S OFFICE
JOHN ENTERS STEVE'S OFFICE, FRANTICALLY CHEWING A MINT. STEVE GETS UP AND MOVES CLOSELY TOWARDS JOHN, AS IF HE IS ABOUT TO INSPECT HIM. HE SNIFFS ROUND HIS HEAD, SHOULDERS AND CHEST.
JOHN
Here steady on Steve.
STEVE
I can't be certain, but I reckon you're smoking John.
BOTH TAKE THEIR SEATS.
STEVE (CONT'D)
So what more needs to be done at MK Motors? It was supposed to take two weeks. This is week three.
JOHN
Look Steve, admittedly Mike has side tracked me a little with this new venture of his.
STEVE
But you're supposed to be reviewing the books for his MK Motors business, you know the one that enables us to charge him a fee. We have a deadline to meet John. Graham's very keen for us to get our billing out on time.
JOHN
Tell that to Mike, not me, he's the client, I thought we were supposed to be helpful to our clients. Either way you can still bill him can't you?
STEVE
Well, yes I suppose, as Graham says, consumed time is billable time. What exactly have you advised him on?
JOHN
It's to do with some goods that he's imported - he needs to minimise his Customs & Excise exposure, so I put him in touch with a friend of mine.
STEVE
You did what? (PAUSE) What is it exactly that your friend does?
JOHN
Oh, he does a number of things, you could say he knows how to get things done without breaking the rules, he just bends them slightly.
STEVE
John, I know you've only been here a little while, so I'll give you the benefit of the doubt! Nonetheless, what you've done is wrong on a least two counts.
JOHN FEIGNS A LOOK OF BEING SHOCKED AND SURPRISED.
STEVE (CONT'D)
The first being, that if our clients need advice, then we should seize the opportunity to bill them for that advice.
JOHN
But Steve, what Mike needs is not the sort of thing that we as a firm of Chartered Accountants can get involved with.
STEVE
Precisely, which leads me to my second point, that no member of this firm should in any way be encouraging our clients to undertake dodgy practices.
JOHN
Oh, I see what you mean Steve - when you put it like that. I'll take on board, what you've said and rest assured it won't happen again.
STEVE
Very good John.
OUTSIDE
DAN IS TALKING WITH CAROLINE.
CAROLINE
Hello you, you bastard, come on then, give me a kiss.
DAN LEANS FORWARD INTO CAROLINE, SHE BITES HIS LOWER LIP.
DAN (RECOILS IN PAIN AND PUTS HIS HAND TO HIS LIP)
Ouch.
DAN CHECKS FOR BLOOD AND IS RELIEVED TO SEE THAT THERE ISN'T ANY.
DAN (CONT'D)
Babe, what did you do that for?
CAROLINE (PRODS DAN'S CHEST WITH HER FINGER.)
So go on then explain yourself, why didn't you call me last night?
DAN
But you know I was working overtime.
CAROLINE
You could have called me afterwards. You can't have been working all night.
DAN
A few of us went down the pub, it was a bit late by the time I got home.
CAROLINE LOOKS MENACING AND TUGS AT THE BACK OF DAN'S HAIR.
CAROLINE
And which pub did you go to?
DAN (GRIMACING)
Just here, (HE POINTS TO A COUPLE OF DOORS ON HIS RIGHT) the White Lion.
CAROLINE
Was she in there? That slapper behind the bar? You know who I mean.
DAN
Sarah, yeah, she was there. She was busy...
CAROLINE
She never seems too busy to talk to you when I've been in there.
DAN
Well she served me my round, we just said hello, but you know nothing more than that.
CAROLINE
You better not be lying to me. I have friends everywhere, people you don't know, but they know about you and me. So I'll know if you're lying.
DAN ABOUT TO RESPOND, NOTICES KEV RETURNING TO THE OFFICE.
KEV
Alright mate, alright pet. Aye, just got me bet on at the boookies, see you up there.
DAN
Yeah, alright Kev.
KEV GOES INSIDE.
CAROLINE
You better make this up to me. Meet me down the town square by the clock at 12:30 and don't be late.
DAN
Alright Caroline, can't wait!
CAROLINE
I love you, you bastard, but don't take me for granted. I can have anyone I want, don't you forget that. Every bloke in this town wants to be with me.
DAN
Yeah I know and I can get any girl I want.
CAROLINE GRABS THE BACK OF HIS HAIR AGAIN AND GIVES HIM A LONG VIOLENT KISS. DAN RETURNS TO THE OFFICE, NOTICES SIMON AND THE POSTMAN IN DEEP CONVERSATION AND LOOKS AT PAM WHO GIVES HIM A WRY SMILE.
OPEN PLAN OFFICE
KEV
Here Dan, she's a crackin' lookin' lass that Caroline. You've done well there son.
JOHN (TURNS TO DAN)
What would you do if you found out that your Caroline was a bike?
DAN
A bike?
JOHN
You know? If everyone's ridden her.
KEV CHUCKLES.
DAN
Oh right, well I'd get shot of her.
DARREN
I couldn't handle it if my girlfriend was unfaithful to me.
JOHN
Nonsense, I had her last night, while you were here doing overtime. Makes a lot of noise, doesn't she?
DARREN (RAISES HIS HEAD AND LOOKS DISAPROVINGLY AT JOHN)
Take care John, I don't want to fall out with you.
JOHN (WITH A LAMENTABLE DOWNWARD GAZE)
I had the dirty done to me once, by a girl I was living with. We were engaged as well.
EVERYONE (JOHN HAS THEIR FULL ATTENTION INCLUDING HAROLD)
Really!
JOHN
Yeah, I was laid up in hospital with Meningitis. I woke up one morning - I just couldn't get out of bed. At least she had the decency to arrange an ambulance for me.
KEV
What she played away from home, only she was at home, whilst you were practically dying in hospital?
JOHN
I was there for a few nights, each night a different friend of mine popped round, unaware that I was in hospital. Apparently, after she explained what had happened to me, she followed it up by propositioning every single one of them.
DAN
Bloody hell, so did any of them take her up on her offer?
JOHN (WITH AN IRONIC SHRUG)
Les, of all people.
DAN
Les, is that the same Les that plays the bass in your band? (JOHN NODS). But he's a really good mate of yours, isn't he?
JOHN
A few years passed before we spoke again. You know how it is, I wanted to get a band together, he's the best bass player I know and he's a good laugh. Besides I got rid of her a long time ago, so it didn't make much sense to keep the rift going.
DARREN
Well John, you're a better man than me, Gunga Din.
SIMON RETURNS.
DARREN
And where have you been Simon?
SIMON
I've been talking to the postman.
DAN
What all this time?
SIMON
It was him, he kept telling me about his brother the builder and how he needed help with his books. He wanted some advice.
DARREN
From you, you've only been here five minutes, what advice could you possibly give him?
SIMON
I know.
DARREN
So what did you tell him?
SIMON
I told him to get an Accountant.
