Skit Comp 22.12.12 - 2.1.13!

Happy commercial season and congratulations to A IS FOR ADAM and GAPPY for winning. Please get inebriated and PM me for next week's topic.
Hence:

Votes - Points
2 - 10 - A is for Adam, Gappy
Special mention: John Millar, DubiousG

Your new subject: FAMILY (Christmas innit)

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 9.1.13 (extended due to lack of response in this season to be merry!)

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Position - Name

73 - 1 - Gappy
21 - 2 - A is for Adam
20 - 3 - Lazzard
15 - 4 - Pingl, Carlos Manwelly, Overlay, Tursiops, Michael Monkhouse
11 - 5 - Ishy, Stylee Ting Ting
10 - 6 - Otterfox, Judgement Dave
6 - 7 - 404NotFound
5 - 8 - John Millar, Lee, Shandonbelle, Tuumble, Sootyj
1 - 9 - DubiousG, Steve Sunshine

SOUND DEFECTS

STUDIO, ROGER interviewing NICHOLAS:

ROGER Good evening and welcome to SFX, the show with lots of fans unable to distinguish F from E. My guest tonight is Nicholas Fairy, the sound effects boffin behind Radio 4's best broadcasts and 'The Archers'. Hello, Nicholas.

NICHOLAS Good evening.

ROGER Our first question, how would you create the sound of a cat falling off a table?

NICHOLAS Ah that's a most complex and technical process. First I find a cat - borrow one, steal a stray, in an emergency even purchase one of the feline family - then place it carefully upon a table in the studio, give it a little shove, and as it plummets to the floor and thuds thereon, it creates the sound required.

ROGER Right... I thought you'd just drop a sheaf of papers or something.

NICHOLAS Just not the same old bean, not the same.

ROGER Okay. Next, what about a horse trotting along a street?

NICHOLS Now this is a more complicated affair due to the sad scarcity of the equine family. In these cases I locate such a beast - try a farm or a stable, on one occasion I even obtained a carcass from the local butcher and performed the kiss of life thereon. I then attach it to a rein and pace up and down the studio leading the old thing along, thus creating the sound required.

ROGER Why not just bang two coconut shells together, make a clippety-cloppety kind of noise?

NICHOLS (laughs) With all due respect young man, I'd look a right nincompoop wouldn't I, bashing away at bits of nuts like a Hawaiian maniac?

ROGER It's - radio. No one will see.

Pause.

NICHOLAS Oh yes.

ROGER So finally how would you - oh God, how'd ya do an eclipse?

NCHOLAS Well this is the trickiest fellow of all as these phenomena only occur once in a blue moon - that's just a little joke. But I would wait - patiently, professionally - until such an event did indeed occur, and...

ROGER Jeez, you could just have somebody say, 'Look there's an eclipse.'

NICHOLAS I'm awfully sorry but that smacks of lazy writing to me. People don't just say, 'Look there's a man eating an omelette', 'Look there's someone climbing over a gate', 'Look there's a mongoose painting a tree...'

ROGER All right, you could have some dramatic music.

NICHOLAS I think you'll find, Einstein, eclipses are relatively silent shenanigans. It's been scientifically proven that no such music arises on the appearance of...

ROGER Right that's it.

Roger hits Nicholas and then stomps out and slams the door.

NICHOLAS Jolly good, how did you do that?

[Young male VOICE recites a latter in a sombre, emotional manner, maybe even some sad strings underneath]

VOICE: Dear Mum,

Well, tomorrow's the big one, we're going to see some pretty serious action, they say. Some of us will make it, and some of us won't. Mum, this is the letter I never wanted you to have to read, because this is the letter in which I call you a saggy faced old cow.

Really, I don't know why I did it, but I did. I could feel it coming, and I wrote it and now you've read it, and you'll probably be quite upset. I can't blame you for that. Saggy faced old cow. Those aren't kind words, but what's done is done. In fact, it's done twice now. There's no going back.

I hope you can forgive me. I hope this letter doesn't sully our relationship, and isn't the straw that breaks the camel's back. Not that I'm calling you a camel. I'm calling you a cow. A saggy faced one, just to be clear.

Oh and by the way, Mum, in this letter I also call you as a blubber-titted slattern. That hardly helps I'd imagine, although blubber-titted is a nice compound adjective isn't it?

I'm so sorry you're reading this, I wish there were some way - any way - in which I could possibly take it back. It's a horrible insult, it's not just a bit embarrassing like the letter I addressed to you that I meant for my girlfriend (I'll probably stick that in the same envelope as this one, to save postage).

Anyway, I'll try to get the chance to write tomorrow and hopefully it'll be a little more successful than this attempt which I admit has gone off the rails a bit. Unless I die, of course, but the army will probably drop you a line if that happens.

OK, bye. Your loving son, Daniel.

PS You twat.

Just to say I'm keeping this open another week due to the season to be jolly. (PS No tired jokes about this being my entry etc)

The Lesser Spotted Nuclear Family

The narrator speaks:

Welcome listeners, to Dundee; a remote part in the North East of North, North England. It is in this bleak and desolate place that we encounter The Bennetts. A rare encounter, for the Bennets are the last known example of the Lesser Spotted Nuclear Family.

Surrounded by the now dominant single-parent family, the Bennetts struggle to maintain their archaic social structure.

The pack consist of two males and two females. The hierarchy within the males is clear, the Father often asserts his dominance over the Son through a primitive ritual known as "Stop hitting yourself". In this display, the Father uses his physical superiority to control the hands of the younger male and forces the younger male to slap himself in the face, all the while repeating the phrase "Stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself".

The relationship between the females is less clear. Anti-aging creams and childhood obesity have made it impossible to tell which is which using appearance alone. Only through detailed studies of their behaviour can you tell; the Mother is the one that drinks a bottle of wine each night and cries herself to sleep, the Daughter is the one that eats cakes and cuts herself.

There was once a third female in this pack, and elderly one. But, after an incident where she wet the bed, she was removed and is now held in a building called a Home; not to be confused with the place the rest of the family live, also called a home.

Ultimately, the purpose of the children are unknown. All evidence points to them being unnecessary, yet here they are alive and overweight. There are many hypothesise on the benefits, but most of these same benefits can also be applied to having a pet goldfish, breastfeeding being the exception.

It is said that the family is bonded by a strong psychological placebo called "love". However, the behaviour witnessed rarely demonstrate this. What appears to hold this social unit together is mutual dependency: The children depend on the adults for shelter, food and broadband connection; the adults depend on children to distract them from the bitter sadness of unfulfilled dreams.

In other countries the Lesser Spotted Nuclear Family has died out, but here in the North East of North, North England one example remains. A beautiful but ultimately doomed look into our distant past.

Well, this was hardly the Skit Comp that set the world aflame, was it? Never mind.

My vote goes to Michael, it's a funny idea. The thematic link seemed dubious, and I suspect it's a sketch he grabbed off the hard drive and shoved the word "family" into, but that's fine by me if it makes me smile.

Yes Gappy, this pricks my balloon. As opposed to herpes. Voting for you, results tomorrow, and hope this picks up again.