My first attempt at revealing my bitter innards...

Hello BCG! My first post, very excited to be here! Now, I've been interested in comedy for a long time, but never thought much to writing anything or indeed performing, but at my university (I'm 20, mentally 55 and cranky to boot) we have a regular comedy night and I'm thinking of having a go - I'm usually a quick wit around my mates and often quick with jokes and banter and such like. Anyway, I have my first attempt at some form of script and I'd really appreciate some pointers, improvements and general thoughts on it. I know it's early stages and will need careful attention, but I'm prepared to put in the hours writing and preparing it. It's in the style of Jack Dee, Paul Merton et al - deadpan observational comedy with elements of the surreal. I'm not looking for a snappy punchline or quick laughs; it's not that I dislike that area of comedy, it's just not something I'd enjoy performing so much. So, without further ado, the script! I've blanked out parts of most of the swearing but apologies if I've missed any out!

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Hello! Hello! It's nice... Maybe... I have to talk to you for a while, because that's what this is, you come here, you drink the drinks from our well priced bar, you sit down expecting someone to come on, woo you off your feet with wine and truffles, then go sleep with a librarian or something, then invariably that doesn't happen and you get bored and go home disappointed, and my job is to fill the gap between you coming here with high expectations and going home disappointed later.. And I plan to make that transition as easy for you as possible. I'm going to tell you some things, you'll laugh, you'll cry, it'll change your life, you'll pretend to clap whilst sneering and you'll go to bed and forget all about this, and that's really my aim for this evening.

Now, my name is Olly as you probably all know, but I'm also known as Facebook at this uni. This is because until recently I was 'that guy'... You know the one "ohhh it's raining outside I'll never be loved" "I invited her round for a romantic walk in a taxi and she put me in the oven" all of the things that happen frequently that you want to tell people about but can't, and you know, after a while you think "why am I telling you this? You don't deserve to know this", being put in the oven by the girl you love this week is terrible yes, not everyone needs to know! I know I'm telling you now but this is different. And then I thought, "wait wait wait! There are people doing much more heinous crimes than that!" - twelve year old attention seekers spouting drivel to their billions of fans because they copy and pasted something profound that made people think "wait! I don't know who this is, I don't know what he does but I slightly agree with this repost!" and they decide to subscribe to him to get all of their agreeable opinions, and it's all b----cks! You know, why!?

What is it with these people that have sixty bajillion followers posting pictures of their meals and passive aggressive teachings on the ethics of monogamy!? You're twelve! You don't understand the systems that work in life! You look at these people and think "what are you doing? What mind addling narcotic must you have been on to take no less than four pictures of yourself with a widely held opinion and post the whole thing to everyone's respective walls?" as if it's going to suddenly make all the sluts instant nun's and have us all relocate to the Vatican, it's just so stupid! The only thing you need to worry about at that age is the price of sweets, everything else is done for you! "Oh Daddy's upset Mummy? Here, have a biscuit..." You know, you're twelve! Worrying is the adults job, f--k off and do some DIY! Make a complicated dance routine or a wristwatch or something, stop thinking.

And it's the whole growing up thing, it's so easy! You don't really change! You grow taller and sprout some hair and a beard, and that's all that happens! All that changes is perspective, really. You're ten and the price of sweets goes up, oh my god, it's the end of the world. You're fifteen and you're not allowed outside, oh my God it's the end of the world. You hit twenty and everything's recession, petrol, strikes! "f--k it, who cares, I have beer." somewhere between those years it all goes horribly wrong, you just stop caring, get yourself into a comfortable rut, then bills happen and you have to leave the house to vote and suddenly everything is scary! You get post saying "pay the electricity bill by yesterday or we'll hack off your leg and put it in the furnace" and you're suddenly very scared, the perspective comes back and you think "F--K! I need sweets! Why are they so damn expensive!?" and you can't buy sweets because you can't even afford the wrapper and everything goes downhill and you realise! You realise children are what's wrong with the world!

People say political leaders are the true powers, no no, no no no... CHILDREN! They have the power to make you part with your money for sweets and trinkets and power tools and such, and all they use are their beady eyes and morally questionable bargaining techniques. Anyone below the age of 10 is a goldmine. You can bet with all the hoarded chocolate and biscuits and sculptures they're accumulated that they have a net worth rivalling Bill Gates! And there's you getting disapproving looks off the parents because you can't afford an extra 49p to buy them a Snickers!

And that's children, anyway. That's what I think of children. And all of their birthdays, all the fuss and to-do about birthdays. Birthdays shouldn't count until you're 13, those are the big ones. 13 - you become a teenager. 16 - you can legally fornicate and that's good! 18 you can legally drink, and that's even better; 20 you stop being a teenager, 21 you can do anything in the world, then the next one is 50!!! And you're staring into the abyss, you have 29 years to fill with tedious, mindless drivel! And who's idea was it to have the order of birthday events the way they are? Between 16 and 18 you have 2 years to practice sex before it becomes a driving force! Except that you can't practice because you can't drink! You stand in the pub with a lemonade and say to women "I can't chat you up effectively but I promise I'm very good in the sack" and before you know it you're consigned to the broken table in the corner where old men gather to play dominos and ferment in the dinge, you know! You wither and die within half an hour and the vultures fight over your internal organs and muse upon if you were a sufficiently good dominoes player to warrant a brain transplant, it's a ludicrous strategy! They need to throw in some curveballs, something to look forward to, like, you know.. Between the ages of 34 and 37 you can only play the lottery on Wednesdays, or making it compulsory to watch a soap omnibus weekly if you're 40... Not being allowed to enjoy brandy till you're 28, that kind of thing - something to get people mildly excited as they descend into bingo routines and home cooking.

Anyway, those are my thoughts for the time being, you all need to go away and think this through and buy a beer or moderately priced cider from next door, thankyou all, I'll see you soon!

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As I said, it's my first ever script - at the moment I feel I'm high in potential yet low in important attributes, so any tips would be greatly appreciated!

To be totally honest with you Facebook I've read through it and I can't see where you are going to get laughs?

I mean it's a vaguely interesting collection of thoughts but where do you envisage the audience laughing? Go through it and mark out where you expect to get the laughs?

The bit about birthdays and ageing has some potential but could do with being beefed up with some more funnies.

I realise that you don't want to be a one-liner gag act but you still have to have funny bits in your act where the majority of the audience will laugh, at the moment I can't see those. Maybe I'm missing something in the delivery but I think you might want to throw the audience a bone every now and then, a gag or a funny turn of phrase, just something for them to latch on to so they can trust that you are a funny person.

To this end, I would also suggest getting a funny line up front, so that you can get a laugh in the first 10-20 seconds, you'll find that by doing this you'll buy a bit of time later on as once the audience know you can make them laugh they'll trust you when you go a while without a laugh.

Hope this doesn't come across as too negative, writing comedy is difficult and takes a lot of practice, good luck with it and let us know how it goes.

A lot of positives for a first attempt, particularly the age part. But yes the start is very weak, it could have been a sales presentation for all I know. Delivery of this and use of intonation, pause and timing will be crucial as to its success. But be proud of what you have done so far, it does not need to be torn up and thrown to room 101, iit just needs to be worked on. GOOD STUFF.

It's a hugely dense block of words without many words. But you've got an engaging style and you seem to have something to say. So my advice is write less, and work some jokes or joke structures in there.

Thankyou all, Tony Cowards - not at all negative! It's a first ever effort, it's not going to be a comic goldmine from the off, so constructive criticism like yours is exactly what I need, thanks!

I guess what I was trying to get across as faux punchlines are the surreal elements - with an emphasis on the delivery. I've been looking a lot of Dylan Moran recently and I think that's influenced this heavily, so imagine it as a rant with a bewildered, heavy shout on the surreal bits so it looks like I'm plucking words from the comedy hat ie "morally questionable bargaining techniques"

I agree the start is the weak point - I've done it like that as a confidence booster, as the majority of my friends that will attend know me as a thinker, I analyse situations and I'm 95% sure the audience I will have will give a safe laugh at this. Taking away the rest (I can work on that and give it more punch), what would you suggest as improvements to the introduction? The sales references about the bar are firmly tongue in cheek

Just re-wrote my intro with the criticism in mind, what do you think?

Hello! Hello! It's very nice to be, it's lovely to talk, and it's imperative not to dess up the melivery of your opening... I remember when I first did stand up, I was about... 8 months old, and I fell promptly back down again; and this routine went down a hoot with the parents and relatives! You know, comedy is really simple for 99% of people: the audience. You have a very simple role to play, you turn up, physically dripping in expectation and with an alcohol/ blood ratio that would put Yeltsin to shame, and you very simply sit uncomfortably watch that dwindle away like an underwater candle, perhaps with the odd awkward fidget to pass the time while you're not clutching your white spirit filled tankard. Your task is easy, attainable! The other 1% of people who do comedy find it impossibly treacherous! We have to write and perform and prescribe and ferment as we strive for laughter, and we have to make your invariable transition between expectation and searing disappointment as painless as possible, you know!? It's like walking a tightrope between a lion cage and a bear pit filled with acid and piranhas!

Much better than the first opening. Your first two jokes might be a bit hit or miss (only experiencing the audience can tell you that) but I do like the "comedy is really simple for 99%..." bit - it's a strong idea and the Yeltsin alcohol/blood ratio and dwindling underwater candle are really good uses of comic description that should work even better with the right delivery.

If your stage persona warrants it, consider dropping the last line (fairly predictable metaphors) in favour of something simple like And all you have to do is laugh (delivered in miserable Jack-Dee style). Works whether the majority of the audience is with or against you by this stage.

Quote: enigmatic @ January 3 2013, 11:11 AM GMT

If your stage persona warrants it, consider dropping the last line (fairly predictable metaphors) in favour of something simple like And all you have to do is laugh (delivered in miserable Jack-Dee style). Works whether the majority of the audience is with or against you by this stage.

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I hear what you're saying, what about something like:

"and we have to make your invariable transition between expectation and searing disappointment as painless as possible, you know!? You just laugh and clap sardonically whilst trying to second guess the interval time so you can be first to the bar!"

Much better, you've not only written some funny lines but also started to discover a persona which might work really well for you (only time and trying it in front of an audience will tell for sure).

Like you say, this reads like a rant and in its current state probably wouldn't work unless you performed it with a real sense of anger. This isn't a bad thing - Rhod Gilbert has fashioned a career out of it - but I'm just thinking maintaining that level of anger for the whole set (10 minutes?) could prove quite hard for a first time comedian such as yourself. If you are confident that you can do it then go for it, but otherwise you might want to start with an act that is a little less reliant on the performance to sell it, at least until you find your stage voice and feel confident enough.
Just a tip from another budding comedian.

Quote: Facebook @ January 3 2013, 12:30 AM GMT

I remember when I first did stand up, I was about... 8 months old.

You know, comedy is really simple for 99% of people: the audience.

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These bits were funny, the rest was more of a rant without many punchlines. I think you're doing the right thing though, write the rant, extract the funny lines, and keep writing until you've got loads of them structured within your rants.

The second one reminds me of a line attributed to both Simon Munnery and Jimmy Carr.

Munnery/Carr - (paraphrasing) "The comedian is the only person in the room facing the wrong way."

Thankyou all, I think I've settled on an introduction taking into account all your criticisms and suggestions:

Hello! Hello! It's very nice to be, it's lovely to talk, and it's imperative not to dess up the melivery of your opening... I remember when I first did stand up, I was about... 8 months old, and I fell promptly back down again, the whole thing was poor... My delivery was awful, they couldn't overcome the language barrier and the show was hit with crippling technical difficulties. But, I persevered, you know, comedy is really simple for 99% of people: the audience. You have a very simple role to play, you turn up, physically dripping in expectation and with an alcohol/ blood ratio that would put Yeltsin to shame, and you very simply sit uncomfortably watch that dwindle away like an underwater candle, perhaps with the odd awkward fidget to pass the time while you're not clutching your white spirit filled tankard. Your task is easy, attainable! The other 1% of people who do comedy find it impossibly treacherous! We have to write and perform and prescribe and ferment as we strive for laughter, and we have to make your invariable transition between expectation and searing disappointment as painless as possible, you know!? You just laugh and clap sardonically whilst trying to second guess the interval time so you can be first to the bar to get more alcohol to numb the tedium.

Thanks for all your help, I feel I have a solid idea of what to do and not to do now, so will go away and translate this into improvements to the script - good day!