Recently I've been getting more into stand up comedy, to the point which I decided to write my own. Turns out it's a lot harder than I thought. Although I would love to start performing, I would like to have at least a half decent routine to start with, so I thought I would get some opinions on it to see where I'm going wrong - or if there's anywhere I'm actually going right. Read on if you dare...
Hello, I'm Isaac, I'm 16. Oh, quite a big crowd. I get quite nervous around crowds - or anyone in fact. To give you an example, I get scared when shopping alone. You know when you're walking around the city shopping and then you realise you're going to have to go down a back street - one of the scariest moments of my life, because, you know, they've got those men down who are smoking and drinking and have those big holes in their ears, which look like they've taken the meaning of ear-ring a bit too literally and actually just shoved a ring in their ear. And I refuse to go down these streets alone. What I do is I wait for a family to walk down, and I join them and I am suddenly part of the family, as we walk down past the scary men who can't touch me when I'm walking with daddy.
But it isn't even just real shopping that scares me. I even get nervous when shopping online, because, you know, you put all of your details in, and then you buy whatever you're buying, and then when you press enter one of those boxes pops up - 'How would you rate your online shopping experience today?', and you can answer average, or good, or outstanding. I never understood how a shopping experience can be outstanding. You don't purchase something online and go 'Darling, darling you have to come and look at this.' 'What?' 'It's this online shopping experience. It's absolutely outstanding.' 'What the hell are you - Oh My God.' You don't see that. The only way I could see a shopping experience being outstanding is if they paid you to take the products. 'How much is that Xbox?' 'We'll give you £500 to take it.' 'Outstanding.' So I always want to answer average, because that's all any shopping experience really is, but I can't insult these people. I've just given them my card details. I can just imagine it back at the shop's online office, as one of the shop managers turns to the other and says 'Hey, some dick's just rated us average.' 'Oh really, and was this the same dick who just ordered £10,000 worth of scented dildos?' 'I believe it was.' (evil laugh). I don't even know why I'm shopping on websites that sell scented dildos. So, I always have to give them an outstanding.
But I'm not only nervous, I'm also apparently extremely socially awkward. For example, I got invited to one of my first big house parties recently, and I took a dressing gown. Someone actually posted all of the pictures on Facebook, and you can see all of the typically people getting drunk and doing all these ridiculous poses and faces and shoving each others faces in toilets or crotches or whatever. And in the background of almost every single picture is me, in my dressing gown, trying to stop people spilling my hot chocolate. And now all of this pictures are on Facebook everyone can look at them. Because that's something annoying now, that everyone can see what you've been up too at parties, the drugs you've been taking, who you've got off with, and in my case, what brand of hot chocolate I've been drinking...
