TLC

Any feedback would be appreciated. Thanks in advance

INT MEETING ROOM - MORNING
It's early morning at Tides Leisure Centre and the staff have
arrived for a meeting. Some, however, have not, the empty
chairs around the table testament to tardiness. There's a
general buzz of conversation as people talk amongst
themselves and slump in their chairs. GEOFF, the general
manager, early 40s, immaculately dressed, carefully concealed
bald patch, sits at the table closest to the door,
impatiently waiting to get started with the meeting. Beside
him sits GRAHAM, mid 50s, overweight, jowly and bald. GRAHAM
is leaning towards GEOFF conspiratorially - GEOFF is clearly
uncomfortable at the close proximity.
GEOFF
(fidgety)
Right, well, obviously you'll be
missed...
GRAHAM
(interrupts, decisive
downward chop of the hand)
Can't take any chances Geoff, not
where the undercarriage is concerned
(gestures towards crotch with
a wave, whistles quickly)
No, it's just a question of when the
medical practitioners see fit...
(hand on GEOFF's shoulder)
Ha-ha, see fit, not a bad turn of
phrase for an establishment like
this...
GEOFF TRIES HIS BEST TO AVERT HIS EYES FROM THE INSPISSATED
SALIVA STRUNG BETWEEN GRAHAM'S LIPS.
GEOFF
(faux enthusiasm)
No, it's...really good, Graham...
(glancing round at the door
impatiently)
GRAHAM
No, so, like I say, could be any time.
And not a word to the troops if you
don't mind, Geoff. Wouldn't want them
to launch a coup or something.
Tiananmen Square and all that.
GEOFF
(frowning, momentarily
stumped by GRAHAM's
comparison)
Perhaps you could just...
GRAHAM
(expansive gesture)
Recovery? Well, that's another story,
Jackanory. Not quite as long as when
I had that fungal infection. Six weeks
that took. I can still smell the...
GEOFF
Right...let's...
(looks at watch, shifts
impatiently in chair)
To GRAHAM'S left sits GAIL, early 40s, plump, short hair.
Next to her is ALI - tall, blonde, early 20s, very pretty.
GAIL
(gingerly rubbing ear)
Oh God, I think I'm coming down with
that Bell's Palsy again.
ALI
(doodling on a piece of
paper)
Isn't that a pork pie?
GAIL
(frowning)
Silly moo. No, that ear thing I had.
2.
(MORE)
Ahhh! Giving me loads of gyp
recently. I reckon it's walking down
here in that strong wind at half six
this morning that set it off. Ahh!
(rotates jaw, winces)
GAIL (CONT'D)
(wide-eyed, animated)
Oh yeah, I haven't told you, have I?
My next door neighbour's a sodding
drug dealer!
ALI
(incredulous)
What, old Mrs. Williamson?
GAIL
(rolls eyes)
Yes Al, Maureen Williamson's a smack
'ead.
(slaps Ali's hand)
You can be a right wally sometimes. I
don't know what the boys see in you!
(shakes head and tuts)
Anyway, I mean the other one, that
middle-aged bloke. The one with skanky
breath. Like macaroni cheese.
ALI
How do you know?
GAIL
Caught a whiff of it the other day,
down at the shop. Rank as arseholes.
ALI
No, I mean the drugs.
3.
GAIL (CONT'D)
GAIL
Ah, right. Well, get this....
Opposite ALI on the other side of the table sit BARRY and
GAZ. BARRY is a large man, tall, ungainly and rather
overweight, with a straggly pony tail and receding hair line.
GAZ is short with dark hair and several piercings on his
face. He wears glasses. Both are in their mid 20s. On the
other side of GAZ sits CHERYL: 40s, short, plump, cropped
hair.
BARRY
Cheer up, Gazzles.
BARRY PLAYFULLY PUNCHES GAZ ON THE ARM, KNOCKING OFF HIS
GLASSES WHICH GAZ RETRIEVES FROM THE FLOOR
BARRY (CONT'D)
Hey, didn't tell you, got through
stage four using only two frag
grenades and a slime bomb. Tonked the
end of level boss, too. Nice one,
squirrel! Only lost four health points
and one of those was when I fell out
of a window trying to pick up a flame
bomb. Which I didn't even need.
(tries and fails to crack his
knuckles)
GAZ
(absent-mindedly)
Cool bananas.
BARRY
Mmm.
(lowers voice, leans towards
GAZ)
It's really weird right but do you
ever get a boner when you're on the
XBOX?
4.
GAZ
(vacant)
Get a lazy lob playing FIFA sometimes,
mostly when I get a corner. Apart from
that, no.
(suddenly looks at Barry
accusingly)
Why, do you?
BARRY
(hurriedly)
Nope. Just thought I'd see if you
did. Did you go out last night?
GAZ
(yawns and stretches arms
above head)
Yeah, had to go and sit through that
Friends With Benefits malarkey.
BARRY
Was that at the Odeon?
GAZ
Nah, down at the Job Centre Plus.
Presentation thing Charmaine had to go
to. It's like two for one on
Jobseeker's or sommat.
BARRY
Fair play.
Further round the table sits the gym team, JIMMY, DWAYNE and
LIZ. JIMMY'S in his early 20s, dark, average height, slickly
gelled hair. Beside him sits DWAYNE, 30ish, bulging muscles,
shaved head, tattoos, flushed face. LIZ, mid 30s, bored,
playing with phone, sits next to DWAYNE.
JIMMY
Getting absolutely moohaad on
Saturday. Liverpool Man U.
5.
(MORE)
Gopping last time they played. Ended
up with this bird, right?
(chuckles)
Ah...well funny, on one Bristol she
had this really thick pube, right, and
on the other...ah, mate... only an
inverted nipple! Like sucking out
that bit on the end of a balloon!
(shaking head, laughing)
Tell you what though, she could suck
an apple through a hosepipe, I'll give
her that.
(suddenly wistful)
Happy days!
(glances at DWAYNE)
What are you doing down there?
DWAYNE
(eyes closed, gritted teeth)
97, 98, 99....done. Rip the forearms
to shreds, these bad boys.
DWAYNE PRODUCES HIS WRIST STRENGTHENERS FROM BENEATH THE
TABLE AND LAYS THEM NEXT TO HIS CAN OF ENERGY DRINK. HE
LOOKS ADMIRINGLY AT HIS FOREARMS.
JIMMY
Oh right, thought you were having some
problems with the old...
DWAYNE
(unamused)
Yeah, very funny.
JIMMY
How is it now, anyway? F**k I don't
know how you could do that to
yourself.
6.
JIMMY (CONT'D)
DWAYNE
(sigh)
J. Listen.
(exaggerated patience)
You're with a bird and you take your
cacks off. She sees that...I mean
it's like if you're wearing Calvins,
same thing, game over...simple as -
you're gonna get your nuts in.
LISA OVERHEARS AND LOOKS UP FROM HER MOBILE PHONE, CASTING A
DISGUSTED GLANCE TOWARDS THE OBLIVIOUS DWAYNE
JIMMY
(puzzled)
Yeah but surely when you've got that
far...still don't know how you did it
though, really don't. Oy, oy, looks
who's here!
ALL EYES TURN TOWARDS THE DOOR AS TOM - MID 30S, AVERAGE
HEIGHT - RATHER SHEEPISHLY ENTERS THE ROOM.
ALI
Hiya Tom!
(bright smile)
TOM
(surprised, slightly
embarrassed)
All right, Ali.
DWAYNE BRIDLES AND HIS EYES FLIT SUSPICIOUSLY BETWEEN ALI AND
TOM
TOM (CONT'D)
Really sorry I'm late, got a bit held
up.
GEOFF
(relieved to have interrupted
GRAHAM in full flow)
That's ok, come in, we'll get started.
7.
(MORE)
(glances at the empty chairs)
Traffic bad, is it?
(semi-hopeful)
TOM
I walked down but it didn't seem that
bad.
TOM SITS DOWN NEXT TO CHERYL.
GEOFF
OK then, we'll crack on. So, thanks
for coming every...
GEOFF TAILS OFF, NOTICING THAT NO ONE'S LISTENING.
GEOFF (CONT'D)
Ok, guys. Guys! Sorry but we've got
to get started. Right. Anyway, the
reason we're all...well those of us
who could make it...here a bit early.
As I'm sure you all know - and I'm
aware that this has hit the reception
crew the hardest -
(apologetic gesture towards
ALI and GAIL)
we're now unable to refund customers'
parking fees. Bit of a blow that, I
know some of you are getting a lot of
flak from...
(pauses, trying to find
appropriate word)
ALI
Annoying twats?
(fed up)
GEOFF
(appeasing gesture)
Well...no, disgruntled customers.
8.
GEOFF (CONT'D)
(MORE)
And in many cases, it's
understandable. But the letters have
gone out and it's out of our hands,
the council made the decision. But
every cloud...
GRAHAM
(interrupting)
Is white. True.
(nods knowingly, folds arms)
GEOFF
(annoyed, sharp glance at
GRAHAM)
Can I just...? Anyway the good news
is that the council has agreed to fund
a wholesale revamp of Tides. It's
been on the cards for a while but now
we're all set. And we're all going to
benefit. So I want you all, in your
teams, to think through what you
really need, and then...yes Gail?
GAIL
(hand in the air)
Ergonomic chairs. I'm forever getting
a stiff neck from turning to deal with
customers while typing at the
keyboard. And then the phone rings...
(tuts)
CHERYL
Ahh, bless.
(voice drenched in sarcasm)
Shouldn't spend all day on your cut
grass then.
9.
GEOFF (CONT'D)
GAIL
(smarting)
Er, we work in reception? On
computers, phones, dealing with
members of the public? Yeah? You are
a scrubber. Of floors. And a mopper
of slops.
CHERYL NARROWS HER EYES AND FOLDS HER ARMS
GAIL (CONT'D)
I think customers might find it a
little bit strange to see us standing
up to greet them.
(cold smile)
ALI
Isn't it the Japanese who stand up and
bow all the time?
GEOFF
Guys, could we veer back towards...?
(hand gesture as if moving a
box from one place to
another)
JIMMY
Yeah, when they're not eating dogs!
GAIL
No I think that's the Indians who do
that.
GAZ
No, they're barmy about animals,
they've got a dog god.
JIMMY
Ah, that's just backwards!
TOM AND JIMMY SHARE A LAUGH WHILE THE OTHERS ARE NON-PLUSSED

I got as far as page 4 it feels very stagy, each character takes it in turn to speak and there's very little interaction. That and the jokes are pretty weak. I don't really get a feel for the story or setting. Sorry.

I think you need to develop your characters and how they relate to each other

Great title though

I liked the idea, but I felt a bit lost half way through. Personally, it felt like there were too many characters. Maybe you could consider focussing on maybe four or five characters.

Some of the speech felt a bit clunky as well. Using terms like "wally", just didn't feel right. I've not heard many people use that word, aside from my 75 year old grandad, it just feels a bit dated. However, if this is in keeping with your character, and that's the kind of thing they say, you may want to consider doing a bit of re-drafting to get that accross through the dialogue.

Good luck

Think I did understand the characters, although you do seem to have an ambitiously large cast.

Bigger problem was that there wasn't much indication of where the action is going and there weren't too many laughs.

Many thanks for all your comments, I do appreciate them.

I hope it's all right if I post another couple of scenes in this thread.

INT. RECEPTION AREA - MORNING
GAIL, ALI are sitting behind the reception desk alongside
their colleague, MELISSA (late 20s, very pale, dressed
entirely in black, skinny). MELISSA and GAIL are staring at
their computer screens while ALI is on the telephone.
ALI
(strained smile)
All right, then. Yep, that's fine.
Ok, bye.
(slams down phone)
Wankmeister!
MELISSA AND GAIL ARE STARTLED AND TURN TOWARDS ALI.
GAIL
What's the matter, not another
cancellation?
ALI
(sigh)
Yeah, that's it, the last one.
23.
(MORE)
So it's a big-arsed no-no to the go-go
dance class. Buggeration. Worked so
hard on the choreography, too.
MELISSA
I know, I saw in the studio...it's
amazing. You really move so well.
(deep blush)
GAIL
Oooh, babes. Never mind. You've
still got the Bums, Tums and Single
Mums group, right? Just reschedule
the other one to the school holidays.
ALI
Yeah, I suppose you're right.
(disappointed)
GAIL
Ahhh.
(affectionately rubs ALI'S
arm)
God, I'm absolutely Hank Marvin - how
long to lunch?
(glances at clock on wall)
I've got that rusty coin taste, I'm so
hungry. I could murder a Ruby right
now.
MELISSA
I've got half a Hob Nob if you fancy
it? Sorry but I picked the chocolate
chips out.
(sheepishly)
24.
ALI (CONT'D)
GAIL
Yeah, go on then, ta...
(reaches out and takes
biscuit)
Oh, here we go, rutting season
begins...
(chomping on biscuit)
DWAYNE COMES SKIPPING DOWN THE STAIRS AND APPROACHES THE
RECEPTION DESK. MELISSA TURNS FIXEDLY TOWARDS HER COMPUTER
SCREEN AND SCOWLS.
DWAYNE
'Ello, ladies. Mel.
(grin)
GAIL
Hello, muscles.
ALI
All right, Dwayne.
MELISSA REMAINS STEADFASTLY GLUED TO HER MONITOR AND DOESN'T
LOOK UP.
GAIL
(rubbing crumbs from hands)
Right, so which is it today, then?
Her knickers off
(gestures to Ali)
Or hers in a twist?
(gestures to Mel)
ALI
(tuts)
Gail!
GAIL
What!? Well it's true! The only time
we ever see him down here is when he's
trying it on with you or winding her
up.
25.
DWAYNE
Nah, it's the other way round today.
(leers and winks at MELISSA)
GAIL
(leaning over towards
MELISSA)
Your lucky day, Mel!
MELISSA PRETENDS TO PUKE IN THE WASTE PAPER BIN.
GAIL (CONT'D)
(frowning intently at Dwayne)
Dwayne, have you been tanning?
DWAYNE
(embarrassed, flustered)
Sorry? You what?
ALI
Dwayne, you have and you're going even
redder!
THE WOMEN LAUGH; MELISSA GRINS WITH SATISFACTION AT DWAYNE'S
DISCOMFITURE.
DWAYNE
Nah, nah. Ah, I know what it is.
Yeah, I took my mum to a tanning salon
last night - birthday treat for her,
and that. Anyway, turned out it was
buy one get one free.
ALI
Buy what?
DWAYNE
Er...a pack of Shreddies. A tan,
babe.
(slight pause while this
sinks in)
26.
(MORE)
So anyway, I couldn't be arsed with it
but instead of just hanging around
waiting I thought I might as well.
Never been before.
GAIL
(laughing)
No and you probably won't go again
after that!
DWAYNE
No, it's actually a really good tan,
it just...
MELISSA
Looks horrific at the moment.
(wide smile)
DWAYNE FLASHES A FURIOUS GLANCE AT MELISSA WHO BEAMS BACK AT
HIM INNOCENTLY.
ALI
It'll settle down. It's just a bit...
MELISSA
Scorched?
DWAYNE
No, it's fine. It just looks a bit
burnt because I put on some
stuff...what do you call it, tanning
lotion or something. Barbados Brown.
I think.
MELISSA
More like Tropicana Orange from where
I'm sitting.
27.
DWAYNE (CONT'D)
DWAYNE
(angry, defensive)
Well look at you, when was the last
time you saw daylight, you f...
(stops, collects himself)
GAIL AND ALI LOOK EMBARRASSED AND TURN TO THEIR SCREENS.
MELISSA NARROWS HER EYES.
DWAYNE (CONT'D)
What's that?
(glancing at ALI's right arm)
ALI FOLLOWS DWAYNE'S GLANCE AND IMMEDIATELY REDDENS.
ALI
Oh it's just a mole, Jesus!
(quickly picks up watch and
puts it on)
DWAYNE
(revolted expression)
Mole? More like a bear! That is
minging!
ALI
Oh, f**k off Dwayne!
(gets up and storms off)
MELISSA
You ugly, charmless, muscle-bound
grolly.
MELISSA GETS UP AND GOES AFTER ALI. AS SHE SETS OFF TWO WOMEN
- IDENTICAL TWINS - ENTER THE BUILDING AND APPROACH THE DESK.
DWAYNE SKULKS OFF.
GAIL
(big smile)
Hello, good afternoon! Trackside
Backside with Leigh or Hump the Rump
at 12:30?
28.
TWINS
(in unison)
Just badminton, thanks.

It is Good But it is too long im afraid break it down into little parts next time. But Carry on with it. However the cast is too long. And I Don't completely understand because it is too long

Here's another scene:

GEOFF is sitting behind his desk
taking a sandwich from its wrapper.
GEOFF
(smiling - sandwich in hand)
Worship.
(chuckles)
THERE'S A KNOCK AT THE DOOR
GEOFF (CONT'D)
Yes, come on in.
THE DOOR OPENS AND IN WALKS TOM
15.
TOM
(smiling)
Hello, Geoff. Look, sorry I was late
this morning, got held up at home.
GEOFF
(dismissive gesture)
The heart has its reasons that reason
knows not of. Let's live in the
present moment. Please, pull up a pew.
TOM
(sitting down)
Cheers.
(looks around the room,
trying to place the source
of the jungle sounds)
That's very soothing.
GEOFF
Oh that, yeah. It was recorded in
this absolutely pristine area of the
Amazon. You know, the local people
had had no contact with the outside
world.
TOM
Really? Didn't know there were any...
A LOUD BUZZING SOUND SUDDENLY CUTS THROUGH THE RECORDING
TOM (CONT'D)
(grimacing)
Blimey, is that a giant woodpecker or
something?
GEOFF
No, it's a chainsaw. It's the end of
the CD. Turned out the whole thing
was recorded by a logging company.
16.
(MORE)
The trick is to restart it before it
gets to the end...
(switches off recording)
So anyway, how's everything going,
Tom?
TOM
Yeah it's all right, thanks.
GEOFF
Good. Look, I think having someone
with your, well, background and
education is a a real boon for this
place. And yeah, I think it's an
exciting time here and there could be,
you know, lots of opportunities.
TOM
(polite interest)
Oh yeah, sounds good.
GEOFF PUTS HIS SANDWICH ON THE DESK AND LEANS FORWARD
EARNESTLY
GEOFF
What I mean is, there might be
something a bit more...challenging for
you.
TOM
Pool side?
(straight face)
GEOFF
Well, I was thinking more along the
lines of something office-based. I
mean
17.
GEOFF (CONT'D)
(MORE)
(holds up hands in a steadyon-
not-quite-yet gesture)
I'm not sure now ok but, you know,
let's keep plugging away and see what
crops up.
TOM
OK, sure, thanks Geoff.
GEOFF
Not a problem.
(picks up sandwich again)
Now, so you're here for your...
TOM
Oh yes, that's right.
GEOFF
So Tom - are you ready to worship?
(feigned serious expression)
TOM
(baffled)
Worship?
GEOFF
(serious expression)
Yes, that's right, worship. I do hope
you're a religious man, Tom.
TOM
Well actually no, I'm not, but...
GEOFF
Well, anyway, today we must worship.
Worship? Geddit?
TOM
Hmmm...can't say I do, sorry.
18.
GEOFF (CONT'D)
GEOFF
(takes bite of sandwich)
It's your evalu....f**k!
(leaps up)
Jesus! No, I mean appraisal! A
praise all!
(spits sandwich in the bin,
mayo dribbles onto his tie)
And that's got bloody mayo in it!
Complete balls-up!
(stands despondently)
TOM
I'm sure that'll wash out.
GEOFF
No, I mean the...
(slumps into chair
despairingly)
Ah, doesn't matter!
TOM
(gesturing towards the door)
Would you rather I...?
GEOFF
(limply lifts arm)
No, no, it's fine, just...things never
go to plan, do they.
(sigh)
Just one of those days, I suppose.
Make that weeks. And as for that...
(glares accusingly at bin)
Why, in the name of buggery, is it
impossible to get a sarnie without the
stuff? Be easier to look for one with
no bread. Marmite!
19.
(MORE)
You think you'd be safe with that but
no, they have to whack that crap in
it! Like eating a creamy nappy.
TOM
(grimace)
Oooh, yeah, nasty. Are you sure you
wouldn't rather I come back later,
when you've...
(gesturing to the bin and GEOFF's tie

Other parts have similar weaknesses to the first IMHO. There are some good lines in there, but there's a lot of fat that needs trimming as well (the Amazon soundtrack probably isn't adding much to that scene, for instance, and the "appraise-all" exchange could definitely be done in fewer lines)

Fewer characters and more action going on would make it easier to grasp.

There are just far too many characters to keep track of, I'm afraid.
I would think about combining some characters and cutting them down by about half.
If you have a core of about 4 or 5 regulars you could maybe introduce other sub-charracters as the series proceeds.
But to open with that many is asking for trouble.

Also, I didn't read the second or third extract because nothing in the first one made me want to.
Your opening pages can't be just chit-chat, you've got to make me think something's going to happen that's worth me hanging around for.

You've got a perfectly workable scenario and you can write pretty well - you just need to pick up the pace.