Sell-Out TV

Hi all.. I've been writing a sitcom pilot called "Sell-Out TV" which explores the bizarre on-and-off screen goings on at a struggling Shopping Channel. It needs some work but I'm hoping to send it out to production companies in the new year, so any critique, likes/dislikes and general advice would be greatly appreciated! Here's the first few pages.. hope you enjoy X

FADE IN:
SCENE 1. INT. STUDIO - AFTERNOON

Sell-Out's production team, headed by floor manager EDDIE MAGUIRE, (34) busily prepare the studio. Cameras are positioned, microphones tested and props precisely placed.

EDDIE:
(INTO HEADSET)
Ready on the floor. Where's Tony...?

CUT TO:
SCENE 2. INT. TONY'S DRESSING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Legendary salesman TONY ROMANCE, (51) stands before a mirror inspecting his hairline. Dopey assistant GUY, (22) scurries in. TONY taps his wrist-watch.

GUY:
I know, I know. Sorry I'm late.

TONY:
Well, did you get it...?

GUY:
I dropped my Scotch Egg.

TONY:
Pardon?

GUY:
I dropped my Scotch Egg in the kitchen and it disappeared. I've no idea where it went. I've been looking for hours.

TONY:
Never mind Scotch Eggs, did you get it?

GUY holds up a tiny spray-can.

TONY: (CONT'D)
Well hurry up, I'm due on-set.

GUY studies the bald spot on the crown of TONY'S head. He gives the can a shake, steps back, and fires away.

TONY: (CONT'D)
Circular motion. Circular motion.

GUY:
Looks like paint.

TONY:
It's not paint.

GUY:
(SNIFFING)
Smells like paint.

TONY:
It's not paint! "Crowning Glory" is a magical sheath which simulates a healthy head of hair. Well...?

GUY just stares. There's an orange spot on the back of TONY'S head.

TONY: (CONT'D)
(HORRIFIED)
What... what have you done!?

GUY:
Relax, that's his colour. Just like you asked.

TONY:
Mick Jagger is not ginger.

GUY:
Well he is in all his videos. I should know, I'm Simply Red's biggest fan.

TONY:
Simply Red? That's Mick Hucknall you cretin. I wanted it like Mick Jagger!

GUY:
Interesting. So, which ones Jagger?

TONY:
From the Rolling Stones. You know, Gimme Shelter, Jumpin' Jack Flash.

GUY:
Oh yeah, he's got great hair.

TONY:
I know!

TONY begins untying his shoelace.

GUY:
What are you doing...?

TONY:
(CALMLY)
Removing my shoe.

GUY:
Why? You'll miss PriceDump.

TONY:
Well, I don't wish to scratch my new Gucci's when I kick your goblin face!

GUY:
Interesting...

GUY legs it, TONY pursues.

CUT TO:
SCENE 3. INT. STUDIO - LATER

The production team begin clearing set. A jubilant TONY punches the air with delight.

TONY:
Boom!

EDDIE:
Great work everyone. Sharp broadcast.

TONY steps off-set, a Jewish Skullcap now covering his crown. GUY approaches with coffee, they walk.

GUY:
Wow, another Sell-Out! You're getting close to breaking your fathers record.

TONY:
Which makes Tony very aroused. What can I say? Genius runs in the family.

GUY:
I know what you mean. My Aunt Peg can distinguish real butter from I can't believe it's not butter - by sniffing.

TONY:
The only thing that runs in your family is gout. Now fetch me a muffin.

GUY scampers away, EDDIE approaches.

EDDIE:
So, how's the new runner settling in?

TONY:
Guy is a bit like Lassie. Damn loyal, but he's got worms.

EDDIE:
Well let him know the boss wants to see everyone in his office. Pronto.

TONY:
Now? But I've got fencing practise. A gentleman must maintain his joust.

EDDIE:
Sorry, Mr Agrabah insists everyone shows. Apparently there's big news.

CUT TO:
SCENE 4. INT. MR AGRABAH'S OFFICE - LATER

A typical modern day management office. Station controller MR AGRABAH, (61) has become irritated by a telephone call. The staff wait silently.

MR. AGRABAH:
(SHOUTING DOWN PHONE)
I don't care if you need money for an operation, we made a deal! ... Yes we go way back, but business is business. You pay now or I'm sending the boys to break your bony thumbs. Hear that f**k-pig!? I will break you're bony thumbs! ... That's better. Okay, bye-bye mum.

MR AGRABAH hangs up. He turns to the staff.

MR. AGRABAH: (CONT'D)
Right, lets get cracking. I don't have much time.

GUY:
I'm sorry to hear that, is it cancer?

MR AGRABAH shoots him a look.

GUY: (CONT'D)
Sorry, just 'cause your neck... it's all skinny... bit like a chicken -

MR. AGRABAH:
Item one. We've been forced to recall Peter Andre's aftershave. Complaints have hit the hundreds.

TONY:
(PRAYING)
Please not another presentation...

MR. AGRABAH:
I've designed a sexy PowerPoint presentation to illustrate this.

The staff share a collective sigh as MR AGRABAH projects his presentation. A pointer is extended.

MR. AGRABAH: (CONT'D)
As you can see, complaints are logged on this most striking pie-chart...

EDDIE:
(WHISPERS TO TONY)
PowerPoint is the love of the boss' life. Well, that and Bruce Willis.

TONY notices a picture of BRUCE WILLIS sitting on the desk.

EMPLOYEE #1:
So, what's wrong with this aftershave?

MR. AGRABAH:
Customers have complained of itching and severe burns to the skin. I'm destroying our entire stock.

MR AGRABAH gestures towards a pile of boxes labelled 'Desperation, by Peter Andre.' GUY sneaks a bottle.

TONY:
You deaf boy? Itching, burning skin.

GUY:
(DEFENSIVE)
Peter James Andre is an upstanding, respectable citizen. He wouldn't dream of releasing a shoddy product.

TONY:
Clearly you've never heard "Insania."

MR. AGRABAH:
Item two. We've received a letter from The Fair Employment Office. They say I must start hiring women - "Equal opportunities" they call it.

GUY:
(WHISPERS TO TONY)
Equal opportunities, what is that?

TONY:
(WHISPERS TO GUY)
I think it's a quiz show from the eighties. I don't know why he's bringing that up.

MR. AGRABAH:
If we don't hire at least one woman, they could take us off the air.

TONY:
Now don't get me wrong, I love the ladies. I mean they rev my engine, they float my boat, they send me loco -

EMPLOYEE #2:
We get it Tony, you're not gay.

TONY:
But they do not belong on a Shopping Channel. It's salesman not saleslady!

MR. AGRABAH:
Don't panic, I've found the very best.

Armed with a sweet smile that knocks men clean off their feet, NICOLE EAGLETON, (31) glides in.

EMPLOYEE #2:
Whoa, she's hot.

TONY:
She's so hot you could fry an egg on her face.

GUY:
(FRIGHTENED)
Something's moving in my trousers. But it might be worms.

NICOLE:
I'd just like to say I look forward to contributing to this stations -

TONY:
(INTERRUPTS)
Tony Romance, I'm sure you've heard about me. Big fish in a shitty pond.

NICOLE:
No, sorry. I don't recognise you.

TONY:
(CHUCKLING)
You've got a sense of humour. I like that.

MR. AGRABAH:
Now which one of you little dicks is giving Nicole a tour of the studio?

Arms are thrust into the air, scrapping breaks out.

MR. AGRABAH: (CONT'D)
Eddie, what about you...?

EDDIE:
Yeah, sure.

MR. AGRABAH:
Eddie's been here longer than the carpets, he'll show you the ropes.

CUT TO:

Needs some trimming. Unless there's a clever plot twist involving Scotch eggs later in the show, the opening doesn't really add anything; I'd start on Tony having his hair done and give the script-readers one less page to get through before they get to the action. You haven't really showed us enough of the script to know if the plot is going anywhere, although there's certainly no shortage of comic directions for a woman-in-a-man's world setup episode to go...

The Mr Agrabah character sounds like he has the most potential: a mafiosi-type with a media job and a penchant for Powerpoint could be a fun character to write.

the kippah baldspot gag was good surprised no one else has done it

problem s its a little aimless lots of banter not much movement but some nice jokes

I enjoyed that.
You got right down to it - felt like we were joing the action rather than it slowly winding up before our eyes.
It kept moving, scenes nice and short and you set up what I presume is the premis - chauvinist man v, ambitious woman in the workplace.
Shades of Anchorman but I think it's far enough away to be fine.
I think the setting is pretty rich territory too.
Some of the jokes go on a bit too long - 5 or 6 lines where two or three would be plenty (Mick Jagger gag the prime suspect here.)
Good stuff.

Thanks for your critique guys. I know some of it seems a touch random (scotch eggs, bruce willis etc) but I think/hope it all comes together nicely at the end. will definatly take on board your comments before final re-write. merry Christmas.

A lot of that is really goog, I enjoyed it.

If I were to give a criticism, it woull be that there's too much conversational back and forth - perhaps what Sooty meant by "banter". For example, I would rather see soemthign like

-I dropped my scotch egg. Rolled away. Was looking for hours. Unusually spherical, that scotch egg.

-Never mind that! What about...

And so on into the next bit. Same sort of story with the Jagger/Hucknall section.

But, that aside you had characters, gags, silly ebvents and a good feeling for when to drop the plot beat, so well done.

Yup pretty much what I meant.

The best advice I got on writing sitcom dialogue, is does it sound natural?

So when characters just bang lines back and forth it doesn't work so well. Certainly this script has possibilities.

Really enjoyed that, some very funny gags.

I do agree with the previous comments though, I think it was Russell T Davies who said that "conversation isn't listening, but waiting" ie. people don't listen that much in real life, they just wait for a break so that they can say what they want to say.

Brilliant idea though, with a bit of refining it's definitely something I'd watch