Goons and Hancock fans.

Less famous lines that make you laugh

Both The Goons and Hancock have famous lines often quoted such as "What's the time Eccles?" and "A pint? That's very nearly an armful", and classic they are; but there a few lines not so famous that never fail to make me laugh.

Here's a couple of mine - what are yours?

First off - from two Goons shows

A CHRISTMAS CAROL

(Backstory:- They were all the rage in the early/mid 50s - Talk Your Weight Machines)

SCRATCHIT: (NEDDY)Look at my poor emaciated thin body.

ECCLES: Thin? You're thin? Stand on these talking scales.

FX: Grinding of "protesting" machinery and springs being pushed to their limit.

MATE: (SELLERS as the Talk Your Weight machine)Owwwh. Get 'im orf, ohh!

(Simple, but I love it!)

CALL OF THE WEST

(Now I'm not sure if this is scripted or Sellers being very quick with an ad lib)

As a 'Hern' Sellers intersperses his lines with regular "Phut - Ding" into a spitoon, but at one point the "Ding" is late coming. (deliberate or FX a bit slow off the mark?)

HERN (SELLERS) Bring that thing a little closer son.

Doesn't sound much when you type it out but in context makes me laugh every time.

Now Hancock - two from the same show

ALMOST A GENTLEMAN (As I used to erroneously call it Hancock OBE)

Tony goes to enrol in the Sid James School of Etiquette, and knocks on the door

SID. 'It it with yer boot it ain't locked

HANCOCK 'It it with yer boot it ain't locked? School of Etquette?? 'It it with your SHOE, it ain't locked - Gentlemen don't wear boots........at least not those with the tabs hanging out the back.

Sid sends Hancock to a society party, to prove his worth AND to prove that he had been there to bring back to bring "something" back, like a tiara etc.! Hancock tries to engage in chit chat with the hostess, as the band strikes up some dance music.

HOSTESS (HATTIE) Can you do Roger de Coverley?

HANCOCK Why, has he upset you. I'll have him outside.

(Love it, love it, love it!!!)

SEAGOON:
It was the worst storm they had ever known in the
Dolomites. I, Lord Seagoon, daredevil fretwork
champion, was lost with my servants on the side
of a precipitous mountain in a horse-drawn motor
car.

HORSE REARS & NEIGHS. CARRIAGE STOPS.
SEAGOON: Why have you stopped, O'Brien?
O'BRIEN: (African chief) I think the horse must be tired, sir.
SEAGOON: Why?
O'BRIEN: He's got his pyjamas on, begorrah.

http://www.datahighways.net/dhl/downloads/w2000/TheHouseOfTeeth.PDF

Hancock - I Anthony Hancock, guide, advisor, philosopher and whicker bottom chair repairer, I after sitting up all night thinking, have decided that civilisation has failed us. Yes. I therefore have come to the conclusion that I to be honest with my principles must from henceforth renounce the world

Reporter - Did you say you were going to renounce the world?

Hancock - There is no happiness in this world today if your man of my intellect. So I have decided the only solution is to become a recluse. I'm going back to nature, I'm going to renounce all my worldly goods and live in the woods.

Sid - Where?

Hancock - Clapham Common. It's the easy living and modern comforts that are ruining mankind

Reporter - Why have you picked Clapham Common

Hancock - So I'll be near the shops

Quote: billwill @ December 18 2012, 7:41 PM GMT

SEAGOON:
It was the worst storm they had ever known in the
Dolomites. I, Lord Seagoon, daredevil fretwork
champion, was lost with my servants on the side
of a precipitous mountain in a horse-drawn motor
car.

HORSE REARS & NEIGHS. CARRIAGE STOPS.
SEAGOON: Why have you stopped, O'Brien?
O'BRIEN: (African chief) I think the horse must be tired, sir.
SEAGOON: Why?
O'BRIEN: He's got his pyjamas on, begorrah.

http://www.datahighways.net/dhl/downloads/w2000/TheHouseOfTeeth.PDF

View original

Only Milligan would give an African chief an Irish flourish.

I love the way he found ways to take "old chestnuts" and give them a new slant, such as "Put The Cat Out?? I Didn't Know It Was On Fire"..........
He gives us (and for the life of me I cannot remember what episode this is from. Sorry Spike!)

"Henry.....the cat wants to go out"
"Does he Min? How do you know?"
"He's got his hat and coat on"

The image that conjours up in my head..........

God bless you Spike.

Quote: Pingl @ December 18 2012, 8:15 PM GMT

Hancock - I Anthony Hancock, guide, advisor, philosopher and whicker bottom chair repairer, I after sitting up all night thinking, have decided that civilisation has failed us. Yes. I therefore have come to the conclusion that I to be honest with my principles must from henceforth renounce the world

Reporter - Did you say you were going to renounce the world?

Hancock - There is no happiness in this world today if your man of my intellect. So I have decided the only solution is to become a recluse. I'm going back to nature, I'm going to renounce all my worldly goods and live in the woods.

Sid - Where?

Hancock - Clapham Common. It's the easy living and modern comforts that are ruining mankind

Reporter - Why have you picked Clapham Common

Hancock - So I'll be near the shops

View original

There's so many of course.

"The Gourmet":- When Sid tries to measure Hancock's cakehole to see how much food he could shove in.

"MacHancock":- When Sid turns up on horseback as Bonnie Prince Charlie to claim the thrones of England, Scotland and Ireland.

BILL "Hey look Tub, it's Sid!!"
HANCOCK "Yes, I knew it was him the moment I saw the cosh on the end of his sword"

And my absolute favourite Hanccok "Sunday Afternoon at Home" (probably because I remember them being like that!)

HANCOCK:- "I thought my mother was a bad cook but at least her gravy used to move about. Yours just sort of lies there and sets."

Images in your head - TV will never better that.

I just hit 13 years old when Peter Sellers died. After hearing Scradge on the radio as a tribute, my Dad bought me The Goon Show Vol 3 (Lurgi Strikes Britain/The International Christmas Pudding). I've been hooked on Classic Radio Comedy, ever since!

Quote: Charlie Boy @ December 19 2012, 10:11 AM GMT

I just hit 13 years old when Peter Sellers died. After hearing Scradge on the radio as a tribute, my Dad bought me The Goon Show Vol 3 (Lurgi Strikes Britain/The International Christmas Pudding). I've been hooked on Classic Radio Comedy, ever since!

View original

Good for you!

Long thin lad - come, sit by this hot wench who is just coming to the boil, and welcome to the insane world of Milligna & Co.

Quote: Hercules Grytpype Thynne @ December 18 2012, 5:06 PM GMT

Sid sends Hancock to a society party, to prove his worth AND to prove that he had been there to bring back to bring "something" back, like a tiara etc.! Hancock tries to engage in chit chat with the hostess, as the band strikes up some dance music.

View original

Is that the same episode where Hattie says "I don't believe I've had the pleasure" to which Hancock replies "And I don't belive you ever will"?

If so a great line!

Quote: Agnes Guano @ December 19 2012, 3:06 PM GMT

Is that the same episode where Hattie says "I don't believe I've had the pleasure" to which Hancock replies "And I don't belive you ever will"?

If so a great line!

View original

Certainly is!!

From me and my mate Ace Cardboard Detective Bluebottle:-

"Merry Christmas and custard to you all.
Are you all getting nice things in your stockings?
I'm getting legs in mine."

Whooo-eeeee!!

My great grandfather helped to build the Tower Bridge. [No?] Yes, he was the bloke who sawed it in half. [Was he?] ... Anyway, me biggest job, that was the one I was going to tell you about, undoubtedly was the Forth Bridge. [Ah, yes] It was the Forth Bridge. I remember distinctly because the other three fell in. [Did they?] Yes. Anyway, I was in charge. I decided we'd start building from both sides and meet in the middle ... We were going along like a house [On fire?] On fire. You should've put that in. We'd build the first 27 yards in three seconds. [No?] Well, we had to. There was a train behind us! Well, we was doing very well right up until the fog sprang up. [Ooh dear] Well, I dunno how it happened: the long and the short of it was, we passed each other. Well, I felt a right toby jug, I'm telling you. [Well, you would do] There was the other half of the bridge twenty yards past me and six feet on one side. Well, I blamed it on the crane driver. 'Course the bloke who was the lifting the big girders about; 'It's your fault,' I said. I was annoyed. [Well, naturally] Puce, I was. [Yes] The whole face was red with anger. [You said 'puce'] Well, I did. I got the right to change my mind, haven't I? [Yes] Thank you very much. [Carry on] Just keep chipping in, don't try and dominate. Well, as I said me whole face was red with anger. I clenched me fists till the muscles on me arms stood out like marbles. I went over to him, I shook me fist. 'It's your fault', I said. 'You weren't looking where you were going', I said. 'Undo all that lot', I said, 'and go back and start again', I said. It was me speaking. Well, I don't know whether it was the authority in me voice, or the sense of shame he must have felt, but he did it without a murmur. I should have said, he done it without a murmur, I'm sorry. [It doesn't matter] Grammatical mistake, we can all go wrong. He could see I meant it. He started his crane up and got going, 'cos he was eager to rectify his mistake, see? [Yes, of course] Anyway, I'll never forget it, never forget it, just as if was today. Swinging this huge crane around like a toy, dead keen. And do you know, he had a sort of sheepish, apologetic smile on his face as... just as I walked away ... having won me point... being the foreman - do you know what he did? [What?] He dropped a ten tonne girder on me head...

From The Whistling Spy Enigma:

Seagoon:
Mr. Crun, sir, open this door at once!

Crun:
I can't, it's locked, and the key's lost.

Seagoon:
Curse, the door's locked.

Crun:
Try the window that's open.

Seagoon:
Right.

FX:
[Tries to open a locked wooden window frame]

Seagoon:
Oh curse! The window's locked as well.

Crun:
It's open.

Seagoon:
It's locked. Come out and see for yourself!

Crun:
I will.

FX:
[Door opened and shut]

Crun:
Now, let me try it.

FX:
[Tries to open a locked wooden window frame]

Crun:
[Struggles] You're right, you know, the window is locked. What a state of affairs, the window and the door.

Eccles:
Oh, I'll go inside and open it.

Seagoon:
Bravo!

Eccles:
Okay.

FX:
[Door opened and shut]

Eccles:
[From inside] Hello, Mr. Crun? It's no good, the window's locked from the inside as well.

Seagoon:
Here's a fine how do you do!

Crun:
Where?

Seagoon:
Are you sure you can't find the key to the door?

Crun:
My dear military gentleman, come inside and look for yourself.

Seagoon:
Right. Lead on!

FX:
[Door opened and shut]

Crun:
Now, it used to hang on the nail behind this door.

Seagoon:
Well, it's certainly not there. Looks as if we're locked out.

FX:
[Three knocks on door]

Crun:
Who's there?

Eccles:
It's me, Eccles. I got the window open! If you come out you can crawl in through it

Crun:
We can't come out, the door's locked and we've lost the key.

Eccles:
Oooh, can I come in and help look for it?

FX:
[Door opens]

Crun:
Of course, come in.

FX:
[Door shuts]

Eccles:
Thank you.

Crun:
Now let me see. Aughhh! Eureka! Semper fidelis! I found it! It was in my pocket all the time!

Seagoon:
Good show.

FX:
[Key being turned in lock]

Crun:
Now, I'll just unlock the door and let them in.

FX:
[Door opened]

Crun:
Good heavens! All that trouble for nothing!

Seagoon:
Why?

Crun:
There's nobody out here!

Seagoon:
The fools must have got impatient and run away.

Bluebottle - how do I know when the silent TNT has exploded?

Bluebottle:
Oh, I never thought of that. I suppose that, when you hear nothing, that's it.

Ned:
Can't anybody hear it explode?

Bluebottle:
Only idiots.

Grams:
Huge explosion

Bluebottle:
Did you hear anything, Captain?

Ned:
No.

Bluebottle:
Good. 'Cuz only idiots can hear explosions like that.

Grams:
Running footsteps approaching

Eccles:
Here! What was that big explosion! It blew me backwards out of my underpants! I'm back to front now - for Christmas, of course.

And from the same show, my favourite character Bloodnok

Ned:
Major, please, for the compromising X-ray photo of myself and the lady, how much do you want?

Bloodnok:
Ten thousand francs.

Ned:
(gulps) AhhooooooOOOOooo!

Bloodnok:
He's fainted in the direction of down! Doris, darling?

Throat:
Yes, darling?

Bloodnok:
Help me lift him in the direction of up.

Ned:
ooOOOulp. I - I haven't got ten thousand francs.

Bloodnok:
Throw him in the direction of out.

Ned:
Wait! Wait! I have got ten pounds!

Bloodnok:
Put him in the direction of down again. Wait, don't turn over that page yet - I recognize that wallet. It's young Private Needle Seagoon, retired, my ex-batman and spon runner, Oooowww!

From The Pevensey Bay Disaster episode of The Goon Show.

SEAGOON: That tricycle against the wall - whose is it?

ECCLES: Mine - a present from an admirer.

SEAGOON: Could you drive me to town on it?

ECCLES: Oh, the tricycle isn't mine - the wall was the present.

SEAGOON: Well, drive me there on that.

ECCLES: Right - hold tight.

FX: Series of mad sounds played at speed to sound like some kind of combustion engine.

GREENSLADE: The sound you are hearing is Neddie and Eccles driving a wall at speed. We thought you ought to know.

I'm thinking about buying the Hancock's Half Hour complete box set. Read a lot of good things about the show...BCG recommends it too. I'm discovering the really old Britcoms at the moment (Dad's Army, Steptoe...) and I really like them so watching Hancock seems to be the logical next step.