You know the score: I've posted a few things here before and I wouldn't mind if you could all read this and tell me how terrible it is.
Thanks, guys.
It's about a fella called Alan.
First few pages from sitcom pilot
hi, it's set to private and I can't read it, at the moment.
Sorry! Sorted it now.
Promising start, with just a few things to consider.
Firstly, you may want to condense some of the scenes. If you think any dialogue is unnecessary, doesn't work or just isn't funny enough, cut it. The Cold Open, for example, is almost five minutes if we are using the page-a-minute rule. If your sitcom is half an hour, that's almost one-sixth gone before the opening credits.
Also, I felt the character of Alan wasn't distinct or strong enough to be the titular character. Write some backstory and find his 'voice', to make sure he is consistent all the way through. You may also want to make him more likeable as well, as it is a particular skill to make the audience invest in unlikeable characters, so (although possible) is best avoided. Leave any unpleasantness to supporting characters like Joe.
However, overall I think this is a strong start to a sitcom, and with a few tweaks could be great.
Think about the end of your scenes especially.
If you'd finished on the joke about Aaron Sorkin, for instance, you'd have the perfect lead into your character nervously talking too fast for the rest of the interview. As it is, finishing on Joe is pretty weak... it feels more like the scene has run out of steam than anything else. The interview scene is stronger and more original
If you're writing the pilot primarily to get a production company interested, then you're going to have to stand out from other scripts and the first five minutes of a family being slightly dysfunctional is not the way to do it, even if the scene itself works fine. I'd keep the discussion very focused on the interview and the scene very brief - maybe start on "feed you to the bins", move on to "if you don't get this job we'll be feeding from the bins...like dumpster babies" and make sure you get from there to the beginning of Act I in two pages. If you like the lines you're cutting, most of them will work fine in any other scene.
Thanks, Scouldy and Enigmatic. Great notes!
Pacing is something I'm struggling with at the moment but I'm trying to cut as much as possible in a way that will keep the jokes and still further the plot.