Hello
New short cartoon by me: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XSj38VIcthc&feature=youtu.be (picture wobbles very briefly. Think an overhead plane interrupted the signal. Will fix). Comments and criticism would be great.
Oh, and here's a piece of music I made that I want to use in an animation in the future: https://soundcloud.com/yacob83/orchestrally-thing . Any thoughts on it would be (also) great.
Best Wishes
Yacob
Enjoyed that, well done. I wonder if a little background wouldn't improve its looks though?
Cheers David. Was thinking of adding a BG. Maybe of a kitchen or a living room (or anywhere else where you wouldn't expect a man-eating snake). Not sure yet though. If anyone has thoughts on the BG let me know.
EDIT -- Added a background. Hopefully it's an improvement.
Hi Yacob,
As you kindly commented on my sketch I had a look at this in return.
I like the animation, and I think the background works well. The voices are also quite good. The whole thing has a sort of lunacy about it which is a lot of fun. I'm not sure I completely get how the punchline relates to the rest of it though (apologies for maybe being a bit slow). The joke for most of the sketch seemed to be that the bloke with blond hair was telling Keith that a snake was eating him when he was obviously aware of this already, also that the bloke with blond hair was failing to do anything to stop it. But the punchline seemed to suggest that the blond-haired bloke was in fact waiting for Keith to be eaten so that he could reveal the sister thing to him in safety, which gives the sketch a completely different slant and left me a bit confused.
So, overall, I would prefer a clearer concept in this sketch. Is it about a man stating the obvious (that Keith is being eaten by a snake), whilst failing to do anything about it? Or is it about someone feeling they should reveal the truth (the sister thing) but not wanting to, and putting it off until they can reveal it in safety?
If it's the latter, I feel that Keith's predicament should really be caused by the blond bloke (to make his motivation clearer), whereas the snake just seems to be something that's happened.
I can see that the sketch is trying to be about both of the above concepts, but the two don't quite gel for me - I'd prefer it to be about one or the other.
Anyway, nice to watch a clip rather than just read a script, and if I've completely missed the point of it apologies for that.
I like the music clip as well. Very Murray Gold. Would work well for the backing of some sort of climactic sci-fi scene, I think, although it seems to get softer and less militant in the final third.
I'm with Indigo on pretty much every point above.
Oh and Keith's mate seemed a little too static. A bit move body movement would have looked better.
Thanks for the long critique, Indigo. Appreciate the time you took to answer. And thanks to Ben for his response too.
Quote: Indigo @ December 16 2012, 8:52 PM GMTI'm not sure I completely get how the punchline relates to the rest of it though (apologies for maybe being a bit slow). The joke for most of the sketch seemed to be that the bloke with blond hair was telling Keith that a snake was eating him when he was obviously aware of this already, also that the bloke with blond hair was failing to do anything to stop it. But the punchline seemed to suggest that the blond-haired bloke was in fact waiting for Keith to be eaten so that he could reveal the sister thing to him in safety, which gives the sketch a completely different slant and left me a bit confused.
So, overall, I would prefer a clearer concept in this sketch. Is it about a man stating the obvious (that Keith is being eaten by a snake), whilst failing to do anything about it? Or is it about someone feeling they should reveal the truth (the sister thing) but not wanting to, and putting it off until they can reveal it in safety?
If it's the latter, I feel that Keith's predicament should really be caused by the blond bloke (to make his motivation clearer), whereas the snake just seems to be something that's happened.I can see that the sketch is trying to be about both of the above concepts, but the two don't quite gel for me - I'd prefer it to be about one or the other.
Damn it, does that not gel. My thought was that Keith's friend was always thinking in the present (i.e. he wasn't thinking about mentioning the sister until AFTER Keith was eaten). It gels in my mind (but I have an odd brain so I could be the minority). Possibly I could add something like Blond Guy's eyes looking up-left just before the punch-line to hopefully indicate that his brain has switched from one train of thought to another (not sure if that'll solidify the sketch - just a thought).
The original punch-line was, "The snake's eaten you," but I rejected it because I thought it was a bit too obvious.
Quote: Indigo @ December 16 2012, 8:52 PM GMTAnyway, nice to watch a clip rather than just read a script,
Yeah, it's weird how much effort reading a script can be.
Quote: Indigo @ December 16 2012, 8:52 PM GMTI like the music clip as well. Very Murray Gold. Would work well for the backing of some sort of climactic sci-fi scene, I think, although it seems to get softer and less militant in the final third.
Had to Google the name. Cheers.
Quote: Ben @ December 17 2012, 7:25 PM GMTI'm with Indigo on pretty much every point above.
Oh and Keith's mate seemed a little too static. A bit move body movement would have looked better.
I quite liked Blond guy standing completely still whilst his friend got eaten (also, I'm a lazy git who tries to do as little drawing as possible). Maybe I could add some more eyebrow, eye and head movement. Might have his arm move a bit.
Thanks again!
Good try But too Bitter for my taste though. But a good effort
Glad my comments are useful.
The idea that the friend's thoughts are just in the present is interesting, as that hadn't occurred to me at all. I think if I was writing that, I would have added "By the way... " or "Oh, and... " at the start of the last comment, just to show it was unrelated. But that might sound a bit too waffly. It might be a bit better with his eyes looking up just before. I think you're right that "The snake's eaten you" would have been too obvious, but that would have made more sense to me, as it would have been related to the rest of the action.
I feel like there must be another punchline you could use that would be related to the general concept but unexpected enough to add something new. If it was mine I'd probably spend a while mulling over it and listing everything I could think of to put at the end. But I suppose it depends how much time you want to spend on that (I appreciate the animation probably takes ages), and as you've already recorded the audio I realise it might be a lot of hassle to change it.
I don't think my mind's going to be able to come up with a better punch-line so I'll keep the one I have.
I've re-uploaded the video. I've changed a few tiny things. Mainly, I've given Blond Guy a bit more movement (not much, but hopefully it makes things a bit more visually engaging). He looks up and left before the punch-line, hopefully showing he's gone from one of thought to another.
Not much, but good to tinker with things.