(Vexed Posh Lady) I have had to point out to my rather puerile husband that 'fracking' is nothing like what it purportedly sounds like since, when someone is 'fracking', there is at least a possibility that the earth might move.
(Jamaican) Mi cyant understan' why Operation Yewtree is still called Operation Yewtree - it was more than jus' dem tree.
[works for Irish too, if you cyan't do the accent]
"I dropped six dress sizes in just three days! All thanks to the good ol' norovirus!"
"Apparently, Yorkshire now belongs to France! Bloody EU regulations!"
"When Colombia has a drug war - people die. When Britain has a drug war - Clegg gets bitch slapped."
The bounty on Justin Biebers testicles was this week slashed to just $2,500.
The pope this week joined twitter in the hope of attracting more followers than Jesus himself.
'Jesus' was thrown out of a darts match this week after attempting to feed the fans on 2 loaves and 5 fish.
The pope's first tweet was this week reported to be 'If Jesus ever turns up to another darts match, I'll crucify him myself'.
A man was this week taunted for looking like Jesus. Still, it's not the first time a man with a beard has been crucified.
During an interview this week Nathan Grindal was asked whether he was angry at the decision to remove him from a darts tournament. 'Angry?' he said. ' No I was just really cross.'
The Pope has stunned Catholics by opening a Twitter account #wouldyouadamandeveit?
New census figures show Norwich as the most Godless place in England, well you would question the existence of God if you came from the same place as Turkey Twizzlers.
Two Russian elephants were saved from freezing temperatures by being given warm vodka, though their owner complained that they couldn't hold their drink.
The government has allowed the shale gas company that caused two mini-earthquakes near Blackpool to continue under strict conditions: earthquakes have to be bigger and closer to Blackpool!
AJGO and I have put our heads together on these: (That's a polite way of saying she head-butted me)
I can't understand the fuss about Rio Ferdinand being struck by a coin. At least John Terry is paying his fine
There are new concerns over the irresponsibility of fracking. There's a suspicion that Energy companies are only doing it for the crack
Jack Whitehall has been named the King of Comedy. I guess that makes me a Republican
A £64m jackpot went unclaimed on the lottery. The money's going to the RSPCA, the Right Side Pocket of Camelot's Accountant
A football match been abandoned after a team were threatened at gunpoint. Liverpool have put a 35 million pound bid in for the shooter
A cruiseliner company is denying passenger's claims of an outbreak of illness. It's ignorovirus
I thought I'd be glad to see Google Maps back on the iPhone, but I asked for directions to the bank, and they sent me to Jersey
The Church of England have announced that they won't allow gays to marry. Well not after Ashley Cole slipped through the net
I'm not going to see Viva Forever. It's supposed to be a celebration of everything that was great about The Spice Girls, but they've made it a bloody musical!
The Tour de France is to begin in Yorkshire, so there'll be no doping supplements; just E by gum
North Korea's rocket launch has been deemed a failure - due to them being unable to take out Santa Clause, they will retry next year with a mission to take out the Easter Bunny.
Ed Miliband says all public sector workers should speak English, that is blatant discrimination against the geordies.
The Syrian President must be really upset, now that the opposition have gained international recognition #AssadFace
UK authorities are to pay £2.2 million in compensation for their part in a horrific 2004 rendition. A spokesperson apologised for allowing Peter Andre to re-release Mysterious Girl.
People are only complaining about that new satellite because it's Korean. It's just plain space racism.
First they want gay marriage to be illegal, now they don't. Why can't the Church of England just make up their mind? Anyone would think it was run by women bishops.
I don't see why an outbreak of no-row-virus on a ship is such a big deal. Don't they all have engines these days?
Jamie Theakston is to be compensated because his phone was hacked. However, he is to receive less compensation than other victims, as he didn't receive any calls in the six months that his phone was under surveillance.
After two elephants survived temperatures of -40C by drinking two cases of vodka, Siberian police have unfortunately arrested one for trunk driving.
The Pope has taken twitter by storm this week, with such thought provoking tweets as:
"Just reading in the bible about those final moments on the cross when Christ's head lolled to his chest. Wonder what he found so side splitting."
Online retailer Amazon has been critcised for paying too little corporation tax. A company spokesperson said they had made repeated attempts to deliver more money to HM Revenue and Customs, but no one was in.
Danny Alexander has said there will be no triple dip recession in the economy, although there are plenty available in Iceland as part of their half-price party food range.
Co-inventor of the barcode Norman Joseph Woodland has died at the age of 91. His cremation was disrupted when someone had to call a supervisor after Norman failed to go through.
Channel 4's youth strand T4 is shortly to come to an end, with E4 replacing it as the dedicated brand for people who are too old and should know better.
Scientists have confirmed that the UK has recently experienced its weirdest weather on record. The weather responded by questioning the scientists' standards of normality and asking them to respect its lifestyle choices.
"I'm not surprised HMV is doing badly. When you can download music illegally online for free, why bother to go in there and shoplift?"
"As a dedicated amateur astronomer, I'd like to think that Sir Patrick Moore has not so much passed away as just become obscured by persistent cloud."
Quote: Gerry McDonnell @ December 14 2012, 6:02 PM GMTThe Tour de France is to begin in Yorkshire, so there'll be no doping supplements; just E by gum
What a stunna! Truly, I'm in awe
Quote: DubiousG @ December 14 2012, 11:03 PM GMTThe Syrian President must be really worried, now that the opposition have gained international recognition #AssadFace
Great gag, but why is he worried, not sad. And does it work when read out loud?
After those I'm kind of cowed putting up any more, but, hell, it's nearly 12, so nobody's gonna read 'em.
I sympathise with Nick Clegg's position drugs. Poor dear, after 2015, he's going to need a little something to help him forget.
Great news that Gary McKinnon escaped prosecution for hacking. Hopefully now he'll learn his lesson and set up a commission to strictly regulate himself and fine himself most severely every time he does something he considers unacceptable.
I'm confused by the census. I feel that most of us in Norfolk live by the letter of the Bible - although my wifesister doesn't agree.
Definition: Titillation - the joy of Piers Morgan when he was cleared by Leveson.
Definition: Masseur - Joey Barton's sister
Definition: Decanter - reverser of TV partnerships
I don't actually think the world is going to end next Friday, but if anyone knows any girls who do ...
Quote: Bomsh @ December 14 2012, 11:57 PM GMTGreat gag, but why is he worried, not sad. And does it work when read out loud?
Thanks Bomsh, good catch. I've done a sneaky edit. I think it's okay when read out loud, though I may be wrong.
Quote: Bomsh @ December 14 2012, 11:57 PM GMTGreat news that Gary McKinnon escaped prosecution for hacking. Hopefully now he'll learn his lesson and set up a commission to strictly regulate himself and fine himself most severely every time he does something he considers unacceptable.
Nice point!
Two men have been arrested in America after planning to strangle and castrate Justin Bieber. Police have not yet responded to claims that similar threats were made to Lady Gaga.
I've just heard Tunisia has broken up an Al-Qaeda recruiting network in North Africa. Very impressive. Maybe now people will stop talking about her leaked sex tape.
I can't believe the new Hobbit film is almost 3 hours long. Although it's just twenty if you fast forward through the walking.
During his final speech, the Archbishop of Canterbury called for an end to damaging stereotypes of older people. After leaving the House of Lords, he then went and stood in a post office queue where he paid for one stamp with a handful of pennies, before driving the wrong direction up a motorway.
Prince Charles has denied claims he should pay £18m corporation tax and that the Duchy of Cornwall is nothing more than a well entrenched tax avoidance scheme. Although he did admit to trying to send Camilla off to live in Switzerland.
I prefer to think of the Noro virus as the only successful Christmas diet plan.
Quote: don rushmore @ December 14 2012, 1:02 PM GMTOther than contributing material, what's your connection to the project? Co-creator, second-in-command, random helper?
Hi Don, I'm one of the script editors on this episode. As well as random helper.