First three pages of comedy pilot

This is my first attempt at a rough draft for a half hour comedy.
I typed it up on Celtx so have had to rejig the format to post it here.

I would love to get some feedback on the first three pages.
Hopefully there will be some positive notes too.

Thank you to anyone who gives it a read or response.

INT. PUB - NIGHT

An almost empty pub, apart from the BARTENDER and a table of FOUR GUYS - THE BAND. There is a stage with musical instruments waiting to be played.

Empty glasses fill their table as they all laugh, apart from one - MATT KNOX (19), slightly scruffy but friendly looking. MATT sits staring into space with a pint of milk in front of him.

SINGER
I'm telling you guys, if we had the pyrotechnics we would be sorted.

BASSIST
Or, we could have a giant mechanical zombie like Iron Maiden.

DRUMMER
Yeah! Except ours will be a werewolf, and we will call him Toni.

BASSIST
Toni the wolf?

DRUMMER?
How about Eric then?

BASSIST
That's a bloody terrible idea.

SINGER
I know! One of us should be in a sex tape and then we'll be famous. That's how
you do it nowadays.

The band all laugh apart from MATT, again, who is still deep in thought.
The SINGER notices and tries to bring him back in the room.

SINGER
What do you think Matt? What's your favourite idea?

MATT is conscious of his surroundings again.

MATT
Uh, the middle one?

SINGER
So that's it all settled then. We'll all get each others name tattooed on ourselves to show our commitment to the band.

The SINGER winks at the rest of the band.

MATT's eyes widen.

MATT
Maybe I meant one of the other ones.

BASSIST
(Sniggering) Relax, he was joking. Seriously though, what's with you tonight mate?

DRUMMER
Yeah, you look as though you've just had your prostate examined.
There is an awkward silence after the DRUMMER's description.

MATT
(Mumbling) Nothing, I'm fine.

SINGER
You not excited about the show tonight?

MATT
Show? It might as well be a rehearsal - no-one is here.

DRUMMER
Just tell us man? Before we lose interest.

MATT shifts in his seat considering if he should confide in his deluded band.

MATT
Do you never just feel like you're doing nothing with your life?

BEAT.

MATT (CONT'D)
Well I do. I feel as though I'm wasting my time if I'm honest. I know I'm only 19, but I feel as though I should be working towards something. Do you know what I mean?

The BAND stare blankly at him - a bit too tipsy to comprehend MATT's anxiety.

SINGER
You know what your problem is?

MATT
(Sighing) What?

SINGER
You need to get some... y'know.

The SINGER makes the noise of a bed SQUEAKING rhythmically.
MATT begins to roll his eyes as he realises this is the wrong group of people to discuss this with.

DRUMMER
You know what will cheer you up? I can get you a date with-

MATT
- No, I will not take your mum out just so you can have some "alone time" with your laptop.

DRUMMER
The walls are too thin!

BASSIST
(RE: Matt) Maybe if you weren't such a pussy and had a drink before a show for once, instead of all that milk you drink.

MATT
Look, just forget it guys alright?

The BAND all shrug and continue to down their pints as the BARTENDER walks over.

The trouble is, nothing happens.
The band need to be propelled into some sort of situation, and it needs to happen almost immediatley.
The back & forth dialogue, whilst fairly authentic, is not exactly a joke fest and doesn't push the story forward.
Also, if people are just sitting around it's already static and dull.
At least have them loading the van or something
Either way you need to make me care what happens next.
I'm not getting that from this.

In a nutshell, yes.

It's quite natural and flows pretty well, but as a way to start a sit com, it's very short on events and jokes. What's goign to happen in the episode, perhaps you can start the story at a different point?

Thanks for giving it a read first of all, and thanks for the feedback.

The rest of the episode is Matt discussing his feelings and new ambitions with his friends and family. The pages right after the first three we see that the band actually played to no one, but the rest of the band act as if they played wembley.
His friends are quite dubious about his new ideas and Matt realises he's alone in this.
The rest of the series was going to be about him trying new things; failing miserably at them of course.

So to sum up, quite a dull scene?
Is it a dull opener but would be okay somewhere else in an episode?
Does it go on too long?
Thanks for the notes on the dialogue though.

Quote: Lewis Smith @ December 11 2012, 9:58 PM GMT

The rest of the episode is Matt discussing his feelings and new ambitions with his friends and family.

View original

This sounds like one scene about a third of the way into ep 1 to me. Unless you write like a golden comedy demon with a pen made of jokes shaped like a funny willy, a sit com in which a man distractedly discusses the things he doesn't like about his life for 27 minutes is going nowhere.

Doesn't sound like much does it? Hmm.

It's just trying to get the idea of the series and the characters across early on.

Hi Lewis. The dialog flows quite well. You can often tell a beginner's work just by visually scanning the page - a scan of your work shows promise in that the speaking lines are short - just like real life, and sure enough the exchanges between characters seem quite authentic. I do agree with Lazzard - you need action, movement, things happening, especially on page one. For example you could open with a close up on the band, earnestly belting out the last bars of their finale "Thanks for coming, hope you enjoyed it and GOODNIGHT GLASGOW (or wherever)"... pull back to reveal the almost empty pub. Cut to them loading the van where they could have the same conversation you opened with. As they say, wherever possible SHOW the situation rather than explain it with dialogue.

Enough rambling from me. The main point is that you have promise and should KEEP GOING. Read as many produced scripts as you can and learn from them.

Good luck.

Quote: Lewis Smith @ December 11 2012, 9:58 PM GMT

The rest of the episode is Matt discussing his feelings and new ambitions with his friends and family.

View original

I would seriously advise against that.

"Royle Family" type, not much happens, sit-coms are hard to sell.
It's no coincidence that they are usually written by/star/are directed by people with a proven track record.

Funny stuff needs to happen - talking about funny stuff is no substitute.

Quote: Blobster @ December 12 2012, 3:53 AM GMT

For example you could open with a close up on the band, earnestly belting out the last bars of their finale "Thanks for coming, hope you enjoyed it and GOODNIGHT GLASGOW (or wherever)"... pull back to reveal the almost empty pub. Cut to them loading the van where they could have the same conversation you opened with.

View original

Exactly what I was going to suggest, but I couldn't be bothered to type it last night! I would say you could also break up the loading out scene by introducing an argument with the venue owner about money, or with a weird band manager. Give yourself joke opportunities.

Then your protagonist could throw up their hands and walk out, to talk the problems through with someone but, again, I'd make it a little unusual, to keep things interesting: perhaps they work backstage at a strip club, or they're a cabbie, so they can only console your hero as long as he keeps paying them to drive up and down the same street.

I dunno, they're probably quite bad ideas, but I think you have to show this guy being in the doldrums before he can try to burst his way out of them: give the poor bugger some more bad luck to endure!

Quote: Lazzard @ December 12 2012, 11:20 AM GMT

I would seriously advise against that.

"Royle Family" type, not much happens, sit-coms are hard to sell.
It's no coincidence that they are usually written by/star/are directed by people with a proven track record.

Funny stuff needs to happen - talking about funny stuff is no substitute.

View original

Where do you stand on 'recollected' funny stuff?

For example, in Peep Show recently where Mark mentions the fact that Jez once wanted to be an Admiral.

Do the characters need to be very established (i.e. multiple series), so that such unseen recollections are funny as you can imagine the character doing/saying it?

My long script was full of these unseen recollections, and they did seem rather self-indulgent/in-jokey on the part of the characters. In the end, tried to turn as many of them as possible into the event actually occuring on screen.

Quote: SimonWing @ December 12 2012, 2:26 PM GMT

Where do you stand on 'recollected' funny stuff?

View original

Used sparingly it has it's place - usually in an 'aftermath' scene - but even then it has to have a joke-like structure
eg

Two dishevelled students stagger out of a bar

Student 1: I didn't know you did karaoke
Student 2: I don't - I'd just caught my dick in my flies
Student 1: Well, that explains the high notes....

But to my mind it needs to stop there - if it carries on with "And what about when..." I start to wish I was in the scene they're describing rather than the one I'm in now.

As others have said, it's short on action and any laughs. Dropping into the scene mid-conversation isn't particularly the strongest way to start an episode either - I can't think of many sitcom episodes that do this - as it seems a bit of a contrived way to get round to the plot.

The next scene is actually them playing the last few notes of their set to the empty room.

Thanks for all the great feedback though guys.
Really made me look at it in a new way, and I can see what I've done wrong. Felt good there was at least a few positive notes too.

Reads more like comedy drama than a sitcom. That might not be a bad thing though.

As for "recollected" stuff, it works very well when the scene is far funnier because of the way the characters describe it than it could ever be shown on screen. And related to an ongoing plot thread. Much better if the recollections are unreliable and/or contested too... OFAH did it so well the characters ended up with catchphrases related to their anecdotes.

If I'm honest, it would be veering towards a comedy drama more.
Characters arcs etc.