Below are 2 sketches that I’ve sent into NewsRevue concerning Ken Livingstone’s drink problem: (Oh and I owe the Gin joke to Jacparov!!!)
Int. Gordon Brown’s office
Gordon Brown is sat at his desk. One of his assistants, Jennie, enters the room.
Jennie: Mr Livingston’s here for his meeting, Sir.
Gordon: Ok, send him in.
Jennie exits and a few moments later Ken Livingston stumbles in.
Gordon: Ah, good morning Ken.
Ken: Oh, it’s you. I thought when they said “Gordons requested a meeting” that they meant…..
Gordon: Gin?
Ken: (SIGHS) Yes.
Gordon: You better take a seat.
Ken stumbles up to the desk. He goes to sit down, but misses the chair. He gets up and manages to sit on the chair.
Gordon: It’s come to my attention that you have somewhat of a (PAUSE) drink problem.
Ken: Now that’s absolute nonsense and ice with a slice of lemon please.
Gordon: I’m sorry?!
Ken: I, uh, um, I said it’s absolute nonsense. (HICCUPS)
Gordon: We need to keep control of London. It’s a very important show of strength for the Labour Party.
Ken: I understand. Strength is very important. If it’s less than 40% proof then it’s worthless.
Gordon: KENNETH!
Ken: Were you looking at my bird?
Gordon: You’re absolutely steaming drunk aren’t you?
Ken: Here, where can I get a kebab round here?
Gordon: You want a kebab?
Ken: Yes. A badly packed one.
Gordon: Well you better go here then.
Gordon hands a piece of paper to Ken.
Ken: What’s this the address for?
Gordon: Ann Widdecombe.
Ken leans to his side and begins making vomiting noises. He comes back up.
Ken: You know, I think I’m cured.
Gordon: If only old hags could solve everything.
Ken: Yes, but then you’d be out of a job wouldn’t you?
Gordon: I guess so. How is Amy Winehouse doing anyway?
ENDS
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Int. Gordon Brown's office.
Gordon is busy at his desk. His press dept. officer, Jenny, enters and sits down. She has a piece of paper in her hand.
Gordon: Ah, Jennie. What news does our press department bring today?
Jennie: It's bad news unfortunately. It looks like we've got another expenses scandal on our hands.
Gordon: Oh God! What is it this time? David Milliband's grooming expenses?
Jennie: No, it's much worse than that.
Gordon: You don't mean....
Jennie: Yes, it's Ken Livingstone's bar bill.
Jennie holds up the piece of paper and it unfolds several times into one long piece of paper.
ENDS
I'll let you off, can't see it making me millions!