Another scene from my sitcom. See earlier post - Virgin! Virgin!
This is an excerpt from a long scene, that I have cut down already.
Parish Council setting. A lady is having an issue with her allotment.
MRS COWDALE
Well, there appears to be a discrepancy with the location of
my plot, in relation to the neighbours and the distance to
the bordering trees. And, I seem to get all the
dogs messing on my plot! Disgusting and, contrary to
popular opinion it does not help sprouts grow!
JOHANNAS WASN'T SURE WHAT SHE WAS GETTING AT. HIS FASCINATED SURPRISE TURNED TO CONFUSION.
JOHANNAS (V.O)
Probably because everyone hates you Mrs Cowdale.
If I was a dog, I'd shit on your allotment,
come to think of it, I might just try that.
JOHANNAS
And so, Mrs Cowdale, this means what?
MRS COWDALE
Well, I was hoping you'd ask me that.
JOHANNAS ROLLED HIS EYES.
According to article 32c,xvii subsection d27, 3p,
my plot is in the wrong place. And it's not helping me win
any awards for my veg. Something must be done about this!
JOHANNAS (V.O)
Probably because you insist on
talking to the plants and whenever you speak to anything
or, anyone, it visibly wilts. It's not your bad breath, just a
vacuum where your personality should be.
JOHANNAS
Mrs Cowdale, these rules and allotment guidelines have
been in place for years. You have had your plot for about
twenty years now, or so I understand. What is it that you
think we can do for you?
MRS COWDALE
Well, I hoped you would come to that. You are good you
know. Despite those pants. Yes, my allotment.
JOHANNAS
Yes Mrs Cowdale, your allotment?
MRS COWDALE
I want it moved.
SHE HAD MADE HER POINT BUT IT SEEMED TO BOUNCE AROUND THE WALLS OF JOHANNAS' MIND SEARCHING FOR RECOGNITION.
JOHANNAS
Um. Moved? I'm not with you.
MRS COWDALE
No, I can see that. Maybe you ran too far this morning or
your pants are too tight.
JOHANNAS (V.O)
What have my pants got to do with this?
Is she checking me out? Oh for the love of Odin's loins NO!
MRS COWDALE
My allotment
JOHANNAS WAS HANGING ON FOR DEAR LIFE NOW.
JOHANNAS
Yes, yes Mrs Cowdale, your allotment.
MRS COWDALE
I want it moving, to the other end of the allotments
where there are more veg growers.
JOHANNAS WAS CLAWING HIS WAY BACK NOW. WAS THIS REALITY? A SICK NIGHTMARE?
MRS COWDALE
Johannas?
JOHANNAS
Mrs Cowdale, do you realise
what you just asked me to do?
MRS COWDALE
Yes, you move roads and bridges and things all the time,
I'm sure you can pick up an allotment and move it 300 feet.
I did measure it and it is only 300 feet.
JOHANNAS WAS INCREDULOUS. AS IF HE'D SEEN A GHOST. JUST THEN, THERE WAS A KNOCK AT THE DOOR. BRANDY POKED HER HEAD IN WITH A KNOWING SMILE.
BRANDY
Everything alright? The Police are here about the hit and
run, can they have a word. Oh, and can I get you a tea?
JOHANNAS
No and no. We won't be long and you'll have to speak to the
Police. You know more than I. Not sure about any hit and
run anyway? Thanks.
BRANDY
What do you mean?
JOHANNAS
What do you mean what do I mean?
BRANDY
How can I know more about a hit and run, when you're the
one who got hit and run?
JOHANNAS
Did I? When was this?
MRS COWDALE
Those pants. Told you.
BRANDY
What?
MRS COWDALE
His pants. Too tight. Cut off circulation to the brain dear.
Not able to think properly.
BRANDY
No. Johannas, what do you mean?
JOHANNAS
Think I'd remember being run over.
BRANDY
That's what I mean. How can you not?
MRS COWDALE
Not with those pants you wouldn't.
JOHANNAS
Brandy. I didn't get hit and run otherwise I would
remember it even though my pants are obviously too tight!
Now please. I need to finish with Mrs Cowdale. Please speak
to the Police for me. They can come back later if they need
to.
JOHANNAS CONTINUES WITH MRS COWDALE.
JOHANNAS
Mrs Cowdale, just let me get this straight,
you are asking if we can move your allotment some 300
feet, because, and I want to get this absolutely clear, it is not
where you would like it to be.
JOHANNAS'S VOICE RAISED IN DIRECT PROPORTION TO THE PREPOSTEROUS NATURE OF THE REQUEST.
MRS COWDALE
Well, yes, but it's not just that. It's these fruit growers, I'm
surrounded by them now. Blackberries - anyone can grow
them. They just aren't proper allotment people. Not like
it used to be. You know?
THE MEREST FINGER HOLD OF GRIP WAS SLIPPING FROM JOHANNAS NOW.
JOHANNAS
Mrs Cowdale, really. We cannot
just pick up an allotment and move it. There must be
hundreds or thousands of tons of material and, it just
cannot be done. At the very best, we may be able to offer
you another plot. A free, vacant one. Have you tried asking
anyone to swap? I can't help but think that you are not in
touch with reality Mrs Cowdale.
JOHANNAS (V.O)
When I say plot, I mean one just big enough for your coffin.
Stop looking at my pants!
MRS COWDALE
Johannas, I would like to assure you that I have more grip
on reality than an Abba fish ball munching Dane whose
pants are so tight he can't even remember being run over
by a car! And I don't much like being disregarded off
hand without so much as a look into it!
AN ANGRY MRS COWDALE COULD SPELL TROUBLE, THERE WAS NO-ONE SHE DIDN'T KNOW.
JOHANNAS (V.O)
You infectious disease of an old woman.
I sit in a nice comfy office, far away from the really
dangerous stuff in the world like terrorists or
smallpox but then I get you! You who are so
closely related to a murderous, pestilence like
Bubonic Pague that I'd have more chance of survival
running into a Taliban gang bang with a target shaped
bomb strapped to my chest shouting roll up roll up kill the
western infidel! Odin give me strength !