Virgin! Virgin!

Hello all. My first Critique posting. Let me have it!
Synopsis: Parish Council setting. Sitcom. This scene is about 5 mins into the show after Johannas has already fallen foul of dogs mess once this morning. We pick it up as he enters the office. It's very visual at the start as it sets the scene - he's been out for his usual run into work having the usual accidents.

SCENE 9 INT LOCATION - VILLAGE HALL DAY 1 MONDAY 08.30 AM

JOHANNAS ARRIVES AT THE OFFICE. STILL TOO WINDED AND SHOCKED TO HAVE STOPPED PROPERLY AND TAKEN IT IN. HE IS A MESS. COVERED IN DOGS MESS. TORN CLOTHES. THE SMELL PERVADES BEFORE HIM. OZZY ARRIVES AT THE SAME TIME WEARING A PAINED, WEARY LOOK ON HIS FACE. LIKE AN ALSATION ON SPEED BRANDY JUMPS IN.

BRANDY

Shitting Christ! What happened to you?

STRUGGLING TO BREATH, INHALING LIKE A CHOKING MAN.

JOHANNAS

Turd, slipped, hit car, running, winded.

AS THE SMELL FROM THE EXCREMENT THAT IS PLASTERED ALL OVER HIS CHEST HITS HIS NASAL PASSAGE HE RETCHES AND HIS BODY CONVULSES PAINFULLY TRYING NOT TO BE SICK WHILST STRUGGLING TO BREATH. BRANDY JUMPS INTO ACTION MODE.

BRANDY

I'll call an ambulance! In the meantime, Johannas can you
f**k off somewhere else, you stink!

CORAL COVERED HER NOSE, BACKING AWAY SLOWLY. OZZY STEPPED INTO THE ROOM AND INSTANTLY BACK OUT AGAIN.

OZZY

Zen can clean this one up!

BRANDY WAS UP NOW, PHONE TO EAR AND SEEING THE TRAIL OF MESS IN THE CORRIDOR, BARKING ORDERS.

BRANDY

No he bloody can't you useless twat. Get your mop out and
clean this shit up. I'll call the police while I'm at it. Can't
have a hit and run driver on the loose .

JOHANNAS, STILL TOO STUNNED AND WINDED TO COMPREHEND OR ADD ANYTHING, BACKS AWAY OUT OF THE ROOM EXCHANGING LOOKS WITH OZZY. OZZY BACKS AWAY FURTHER, AS IF RETREATING FROM MR DEATH HIMSELF - THE SMELL WAS RIGHT UP THERE. JOHANNAS IS ABOUT TO TURN AND HEAD TOWARDS THE SHOWER.

CORAL

Johannas! Mrs Cowdale emailed about her allotment.
She asks when you are going to do something about it?

JOHANNAS TRIED TO HALT HIS MOTION AND TURN TO ANSWER. HIS FOOT, AGAIN HIT THE SMEAR OF DOG MESS LEFT IN THE CORRIDOR. THE FOOT SPED OUT FROM UNDER HIM. TRAVELLING AT A VELOCITY CLOSE TO THE SPEED OF LIGHT IT FLICKED UP, CANNONED INTO THE BUCKET OF WATER NURSED BY OZZY, CATAPULTING IT ACROSS THE CORRIDOR INTO THE WALL WHERE THE BACKWASH JETTISONED THE ENTIRE CONTENTS OVER THE FLOOR AND OZZY. MEANWHILE, JOHANNAS GOES DOWN. AGAIN.

JOHANNAS (V.O)

What have I done to deserve this?
Jesus, Odin, anyone, take me now.

A PAINED LOOK GREW ON HIS FACE AS HIS LEGS SPREAD, HIS BODY BENT AND LOWERED, COMPENSATING FOR THE SLIP, AND HIS HEAD CONNECTED WITH THE DOOR JAM. FULL BORE. HE WAS WINDED, HIS LEGS WERE SPREAD LIKE A TABLE AT THE QUEENS BIRTHDAY AND HE WAS COVERED IN DOG SHIT. AND NOW, HE WAS MILDLY CONCUSSED.

JOHANNAS (V.O)

Running was good for you they said. The lying bastards!
If I lie here quietly, will it all go away?

JOHANNAS

Please! Make it stop!

BRANDY

Johannas, stop pissing about get in the shower!

OZZY LOOKED LIKE HE HAD BEEN SPUN DRIED, BADLY. SOAKED WITH HIS OWN MOP WATER. HE STARTED TO MOP UP THE WATER WITH RESIGNATION. JOHANNAS, INCREDULOUS, LAY THERE, MOP BUZZING ABOUT HIS EARS AND FLICKING HIS HAIR.

That's one of the best bits of sitcom I've read on here in a while.
Ok it's a little lively and zany and you really might need to wind that down over a half hour episode.
But it's visual (good and so often forgotten), in 2-3 pages I have a really good handle on the characters. And almost all the humour is coming from characters being characters and interracting.
Excellent even.
More please!

Wow. Thanks Sootyj. I love the visual stuff. Was never into Mr Bean but Blackadder and Only Fools and Horses did it for me. It's not all as zany as that. It does slow down in parts. I'll dig out another scene that I think stands alone and paste it up. I've wondered how to, and found it hard to, get the characterisation apparent immediately. I find that the hardest part. Thanks again.

I found this a bewildering read. I have little idea who any of the characters are or what they're after. It would help to have posted up the first couple of scenes to get a handle on it.

It is supposed to be bewildering. And Zany. It's a crazy place. How can you expect to know who they are from one scene? A bewildering response. I can't very well post up the whole sitcom. No-one has that much of their time to give. I am grateful though for your time thus far.

You have a very distressing habit of changing tense in your action lines!
This does not help an already complicated read.
As well-wriiten as it is (it is) I think some of the more colourful, novelistic action description just get in the way. Don't get me wrong, some of them are great - really helping me to picture the scene - others just force me to stop and re-read - not a good thing.
I like the premis and I believe the characters, so it's already 100% better than most stuff.
Just try stripping the action sequences down to the bare minimum - without sacrificing your style, of course!!

Thanks Lazzard. Good points, well made. The forums' advice is really helping me to hone down the action description. Something I've struggled with. Re-write coming up!