BRIAN: Right, just before we start, I'd just like to thank you, Frank for stepping in; Sally's a bit poorly today, and you really need more than one person to deliver an interview.
FRANK: No problem. Hey, gets me out of boring old Finance for a morning!
BRIAN: Wonderful. Well, Frank, obviously we don't have time to brief you fully on the vacancy, but just follow my lead and chip in when you feel you have something to offer. OK, shall we get started? Let's wheel the first victim in [Chuckles. Door opening] Mr. Ambrose, isn't it?
AMBROSE: Yes, that's right.
BRIAN: Excellent, come in, come in. [Door closes] I'm Brian, and this is Frank. Park yourself on the seat and make yourself at home. Now, why don't you tell us a little about why you applied for this post?
AMBROSE: Well, I, err, I saw the advert and as I'd been looking for a new challenge I thought perhaps my skills would be suitable for -
BRIAN: Yes, yes. Actually, sorry to interrupt, Mr Ambrose -
AMBROSE: Please: Danny.
BRIAN: Danny, lovely. Danny, would you mind putting this hat on?
AMBROSE: Would I...err, sorry?
BRIAN: Just pop the hat on your head.
AMBROSE: Oooookaaaay. Like this?
BRIAN: Perhaps at a jauntier angle. Perfect.
AMBROSE: Right. OK. So, as I said, I have wide experience of -
BRIAN: Oh, no need to say anything. The sorting hat will work out whether you're the man for the job.
AMBROSE: Pardon me?
BRIAN: Sorting hat. It's a magic fedora. Tells us all whether you're suitable for the job or not.
AMBROSE: I've never....err...I, I can't hear anything. Should I hear it, um, talking?
BRIAN: Oh, no, don't worry, it's talking to us. [Short pause] Excellent, thank you Danny, we'll let you know.
AMBROSE: So, what, erm...?
BRIAN: Just leave the hat on the desk, and see yourself out, we'll let you know once we've seen the other candidates. Thanks so much for coming in.
AMBROSE: Oh. Er, no problem. Goodbye. [Door closes]
BRAIN: So, any comments before we see the next one?
FRANK: Sorry, yes, I have one quick question: What just happened there?
BRIAN: Oh, I do apologise, Frank, I forgot you weren't familiar with the sorting hat.
FRANK: No, I'm definitely not.
BRIAN: Well, it's quite simple. I mean, this office manager job, we already know all the candidates have the basic requisite skills, we can tell from their C V.
FRANK: Right...
BRIAN: So, I mean, there are no really meaningful things we can find out about a person in 25 minutes - you can't actually tell whether they're going to be good at the job - so really an interview is all about first impressions. Employers naturally choose the candidate they like the look of.
FRANK: Well, I suppose there's an element of -
BRIAN: Which is fine, but nowadays there are so many rules about the selection process, it becomes extremely exhausting: we can spend all day ticking boxes and filling in forms. But then we found out this little by-law. You see, there's this posh old school that bases some sort of admissions procedure on a magic hat. I guess because so many ministers and so on went there, and because of tradition and all that malarkey, if you look at the laws closely enough you can see that the sorting hat is a legal method of selection.
FRANK: Where is this school?
BRIAN: Somewhere north of King's Cross, I forget the rest. Anyway, it means we can cut the waffle and use enchanted millinery to make our selection.
FRANK: And - this sounds very silly, but I must ask - does the hat actually talk to you?
BRIAN: [Laughs] No, of course not. We just choose the person who looks best wearing the hat. Like I said, first impressions. There's no point wasting time on chit chat.
FRANK: But this is completely unfair! I mean, how do you know you're getting the best candidate?
BRIAN: Frank, you've got to understand, it's not like the jobs you have in Finance. You can ask your chaps all sorts of clever questions about book-keeping and software and procurement law, but all this lot clearly have the basic skills for the job, and it's nigh on impossible to work out who'd be the better office manager. So...
FRANK: Headgear is as good a method as any...?
BRIAN: Bingo!
FRANK: I see. Does it have to be a hat?
BRIAN: No, I think any item of clothing or accessory is allowed. I'll dig out the legislation for you later. So, shall we bring in [Checks list] Mrs Palmer, and see how she sports a titfer?
FRANK: OK then, I'm game.
BRIAN: Knew you'd come around, Frank, old boy. Thanks for going with the flow.
[Fade out. Fade up again on a new interview]
FRANK: Miss Green, many thanks for attending this interview for the new position of my PA. Before we go any further, could you please strip off and put on these sorting stockings? Yes, that's right, and the selection suspenders. The thong of transferrable skills is just on the back of the chair. No need for the criminal records check bra, I don't think. Now, I have a really huge number of candidates to see today, so let's get cracking, shall we?
