Sunday March 1st
Woke up, had a quick bash. Spunked on the underside of my IKEA desk. Handy that it's wipe clean. That thing's been jizzed on more times than a Pornstar's face. Went downstairs to find Nigel's had the last of the milk. Again. The c**t.
Smashed out the last slice of his Taste the Difference cheesecake out of spite, then attempted to apply for some jobs. Ended up just going on a five-tug wankathon. F**k it. it's Sunday after all. I'll get up proper early tomorrow.
Monday March 2nd
7.00am: alarm went off. pressed snooze.
7.10am alarm went off. pressed snooze again.
7.20am alarm went off. Turned alarm off.
11.43am: Got out of bed.
Had a quick rifle through Nigel's drawers while he was at work. Found £7.50 in change, and a pair of his girlfriend Elly's knickers. Bang on. Had a quick wank with them wrapped around my cock. Strangely sensual. Forgot to shut the curtains while yanking the plank. A group of kids were filming me on their phones, shouting "needle dick". C**ts.
Popped out to Tesco, got served by this fit bird. She was black. But not too black. With these sexy, slanty eyes. Must have a chinky mother, or something. After all, ever seen a chinaman f**k a black girl? not even in the porn world.
Nigel was in a bit of a mood with me when I got home. Wasn't sure if it was because of the money I nicked, or the Taste the Difference cheesecake I ate. Turns out it was something else. I left his birds spunk encrusted knickers on the coffee table.
Tuesday March 3rd
Got a job interview at at Wandsworth Council as a "social support officer". It's all set for Tomorrow. Watched BBC news; Riz Lateef was anchoring. F**k me she's an alluring woman. Tender wrists. Deep, brown eyes. Reassuringly ambiguous age. I'd love to plunge into her Indian ocean.
"This has been the wettest March on record", she said, staring at me, as I repurposed her words in my imagination.
Tried to knock one out watching her, but she was never on screen long enough to manage it. Each time I got a stiffy the camera would flick to some feature about London's preparation for The Olympics or the latest burns victim to rehabilitate through surgery. I'm into most girls, don't get me wrong. But the melted face look just 'aint my thing.
Wednesday March 4th
Woke up late, so didn't have time for breakfast. Didn't realise how limited my shirt selection is either. Had to wear this crumpled number that had been clearly used to mop up a wank. Was interviewed by this fat old librarian type, Helen Walters. Couldn't stop staring at her beaver-like face and sprouting chin hair.
"How are you going to make a difference to my constituency, David?" She asked.
"When are you going to shave the hairs cloaking your chin?, " I felt like responding.
Wondered what sort of household objects I could hide within her rolls of flab. At least the contents of an average pencil case, I figured.
Went home, Banged a Pepperoni Feast pizza in the oven, locked myself in my room and spent the rest of the day tugging off. I swear porn's starting to have a negative effect on my brain. Saw a nine year old schoolgirl earlier and instantly thought about wanting to jizz over her face.
Thursday March 5th
Popped down to Tesco for a munch. That blackenese bird was there again, tits practically bursting out of her Tesco uniform. I tried a bit of chat with her at the till.
"Is it just me, or are twirls smaller than they used to be", I said, as she swiped my multi pack of Frazzels across the till.
"It might be that, or maybe you're appetite's just got bigger." She said, looking deeply into my eyes.
Not sure how to read into that. It could have been some weird form of sexual metaphor. Or it could be she thinks I'm a fat c**t.
No answer from the interview yet. Wouldn't be surprised if they don't get back to me. That shirt was quite crispy. Watched telly with Nigel in the evening.
He kept slurping on his tea, and used the word 'sycophantic' twice. What a c**t.
Offered to make him a cup, dipped my cock in the water before adding the milk. Was quite painful. but worth it to watch him slurping on my cock stewed tea.
Friday March 6th
Got woken up by my mobile. Bagged that job in the Council! It's only three days a week. Perfect. Start on Monday.
Went down the shops to buy some work clothes. Got screwed out by a cat on the way. Tried to scare it off, but it just sat there, completely unfazed. Launched at it with my right boot, connected directly in its face. Felt like some kind of gangster.
Poodled around the shopping centre for about 2 hours. F**king hate shopping. Always end up panicking and trying on wanky v neck t shirts.
Some little kid pointed at me and said "look Mum, it's Simon Cowell."
"No son, he's not as fat as that" she whispered.
"And his head's not as square".
Some student dickhead decided to pop the bus window open on the ride home. F**king freezing. Asked him nicely to close it; he ignored me! F**k me, first a cat, now this gimp. Must have 'dickhead' tattooed across my forehead.
Saturday March 7th
Was hoping for a quiet Saturday tugging off on the sofa, but Nigel decided to invite his mates round for a 'gathering' instead. Wanker. Had to smash back a six pack of Stellas, just to tolerate the situation.
Found myself trapped in the kitchen with this Annie Lennox lookalike wearing military boots and a massive knitted jumper.
"I eat Nandos, but only in an ironic way.' She said.
"It's not ironic, its f**king tasty" I responded. Silence filled the air.
The more she drank, the more I sensed I might have a chance of f**king her, so I feigned interest as much as humanly possible. Before I knew it, I was rooting her upstairs in Nigel's room.
She had quite bang on arse. And these perky little tits. But her short hair and square jawline gave me the unnerving impression I was f**king a bloke. Plus she kept that sweaty cotton jumper on. Itchy as f**k.
At one point I thought heard her say "you look like brad pitt".
But it was actually "your breath smells like shit."
After about three minutes, I pulled out, shot my load over Nigel's pillow, then went to my own bed. Didn't catch her name. Couldn't give a f**k.
Sunday March 8th
Woke up Nigel and Elly early. She had to literally peel her face of the pillow. Must have slept on the spunk patch. Asked them politely to clean up the f**king mess.
Listened to them whinge and whine as they begrudgingly worked their way through their hangovers. Enjoyable. Caught a glimpse of his bird's arse crack as she worked on the toilet. Think I might crack on to her. YEAH. TAKE THAT NIGEL YOU FUCKING PENCIL-COCKED NEEDLE DICKED FREAK! I'M FUCKING YOUR BIRD AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT!
Abbo called me on my mobile. "There's footage of you tugging off on YouTube", I thought he said. Always difficult to tell with that man. His antipodean mumbling is difficult to decipher. He sent me the link. Videos called 'chubby wanker'. F**king hell. It's already got 1,424 views. C**ty f**king kids.
Sunday March 8th (11pm)
Video's now packing 14,566 hits. Top comments include "Pot-bellied chode-cocked prick", "Wanky-faced freak" and "DIE DIE DIE SQUARE HEAD FREAK". Sent a complaint to YouTube. Work tomorrow.
Monday March 9th
F**k me. If this is what all social services are like, you can understand why that Baby P got f**ked. The place is full of morons.
Only that big fat c**t Helen pierces the silence by grunting occasionally, or eating. Someone brought in some cupcakes left over from their kid's birthday. Watched her smash 7 of them.
I've been sat opposite this boss-eyed freak Simon, who's 48 and still lives with his Mum. Tried to engage with him a couple of times but his voice is squeaky like a gerbil, plus you can't tell what direction he's looking in.
Got given some photocopying to do. Accidentally programmed the copier it to print 4800 copies. Got sent home early.
The lesbo dyke I f**ked was sitting in the flat with Nigel. Worrying. Hope she's not a clinger. Ignored them both and went upstairs to watch some violent gag porn. These Thai girls were being gagged by a 12 inch monster cock. Didn't even enjoy it that much. Well, after I spunked my load. Heard a knock on the door mid-wank. Ignored it.
You Tube video's now on 30,000 hits. Sent another complaint.
Tuesday March 10th
2nd day at work, and f**king fed up already. I swear the early mornings are having an adverse effect on my health; my breath smelled today like a dog had taken a shit in my mouth.
Walked past a tramp en route. He comes up to me, and says,
"I am god."
Tried to shake him off, but he insisted on following me down the road.
"I am god", he repeated.
I might have believed him, if he didn't have what looked like half a tin of sardines smeared across his face.
Got in late, not that anyone cared. Was asked to search for some file from the archive room. Had a good nose around. It's a f**king goldmine in there. Found this file about a 15 year old who was bullied for having abnormally large fanny lips. Nicked the photo. Cracked out three wanks over it already.
Got harassed by the same tramp again on the way home.
"I'll suck you off for a tenner" he goes.
"I thought you were god," I responded."
Yeah." he says.
"But I've fallen from grace".
The sardines were still stuck to his face.
Got home, thankfully the lezza wasn't there. Swear I heard someone shout "YouTube wanker" before I went through the front door. Must be paranoid.
Wednesday March 11th.
Got stuck sitting next to an absolute dyke on the bus today. She had this black North Face hiking jacket on. Orienteering-wanabee c**t. Probably spends her weekends rambling across the countryside looking for the nearest lay-by to get dogged in.
She wouldn't stop fidgeting. Rummaging through her rucksack. Removing various dates and nuts from a f**king tuppa-ware box, then chomping on them. Like some kind of fanny-munching squirrel.
Chomp chomp. Rustle f**king rustle in her CUNTY FUCKING RUCKSACK AND HER CUNTY FUCKING TUPAWARE BOX.
Would have punched her in her gimp like head, if it wasn't for the CCTV. Got assigned this new case when I got in. Stacey Gumball. Had a look through her file:
Case history
Stacey has been living on the deprived Srothmore estate since the age of 9 with her uncle Darren. The locale is a hive of drug abuse, petty theft and juvenile gang activity.Her parents lost custody following repeated incidents of child abuse, reported by neighbours.
Alleged abuse
Locked outside in a kennel, forced to eat dog food, and referred to as 'Woofy Woofy Fat F**k' for long periods.
Forced to stand in an upright position, dressed in baubles, tinsel, and electrical lighting, posing as a Christmas tree.
Encouraged to 'clean Mr doggy', by performing faleceu on the family dog
Sodomized with a remote control on multiple occasions.
The report went on. Should be an interesting one. Saw that f**king cat on the way home. Ran away before I could kick it again. C**t.
Thursday March 12th
No work today, but woke up early due to the sound of c**ty chops Nigel dragging his bike through the hallway. Sat in front of the telly, smashed out a 12 pack of monster munch and three trays of cadbury's fingers, tugging myself off intermittently.
Abbo called me up about 3, went for a beer with him in the Swan. Some old geezer won the £150 jackpot on the fruity. Didn't even offer to buy anyone a beer. Watched a crack-head follow him out the door. Serves the c**t right.
Walked past Tescos on the way back and noticed that bird was working. F**k me she looked fit. Bulbous butt, gripped by the seams of those black trousers. Tits threatening to burst out of a tightly fitting Tesco shirt. Feeling a bit pissed, I decided to go and have a crack at her. Slipped awkwardly on a broken jar of Dolmio bolognese sauce as I approached. Left immediately.
The YouTube video's now been taken down. Thank f**k. Not too bad after all. 180,000 views. That's enough for every c**t in Wandsworth to have seen it. well, probably. I haven't checked the population figures.
Friday March 13th
Went out for a little mid morning potter. It's weird wandering the street at that time. Felt like some sort of degenerate council c**t on benefits.
Smashed out a fry up down the cafe. Two bacon, two sausages, two eggs, two toast and beans. Listened to two latte-sipping mac using-c**ts exchanging in 'banter' on the table next to me.
Bought a Nike Sportsband from JD sports. Been thinking about getting fit recently, this could be the key to my success. It's decent. Got a built in sensor that measures distance run, pace, that kind of thing. Must have triggered it accidentally when I had a wank; the thing had already clocked up 2k within an hour. I hadn't even left my chair. Work tomorrow.
Saturday March 14
Elly cooked me, Nigel and the lezza a fry up for breakfast this morning. Well, I say a fry up. Nothing was actually fried. Oven roasted Sausage. Grilled bacon. Scrambled eggs. Health conscious slapper. Smashed out about half hour of obligatory small talk with them. Seemed like half a day.
"There's this super-cool new afro-bistro' opening up in Streatham." Said Nigel's bird.
"I've heard Ethiopian stew is all the rage at the moment" said Nigel. C**ts.
"Defo" said the lezza. Cant believe I Iucked her. She keeps giving me these glares like she wants me to say something. Like what?
"You look like Annie Lennox you f**king androgynous flat-arsed slut?"
Still can't work out if I'd like to f**k his bird or not. She's got quite a bang on arse, as was noticed the other day. But the way she mirrors Nigel's enunciation of words makes me want to rip out her eyeball with a corkscrew. 'Yah' instead of yeah. 'i dunno, like' forming the basis of sentence constructed.
Still, i'd like to wedge a cock up her gap.
Sunday March 15
F**king hate Sundays. The black cloud of returning to work looms like an untimely fart. And on top of that, it's Nigel's 'chill at home' day. Was trying to watch the TV in the front room with him, but the way he was eating his cereal made me want pound his face in with a hammer.
He doesn't lift his spoon close enough to his face, and is forced to compensate by craning his neck like some kind of f**king duck. Then there's the slurping. F**k me. I've heard less slurps per minute watching gag porn.
Went for a wander around wandsworth high street counting the number of women i'd like to f**k. Tallied 42 in half hour. Well, 48 if you include under 16s. Stored a few images in the wank bank. F**k it, this ain't Minority Report. Can't be prosecuted, if it's just in the mind.
Monday March 16
Work. Swerved the office and went to 'check in' on that Stacey Gumball case. F**k me that Strothmore estate is a shit hole. There was this gang of kids sitting on the steps to her block, blocking the entrance.
"Sorry mate, can I get through", I say to some little black kid.
"do I look like your mate, bruv?" he goes. Slightly contradictory, I thought.
Was going to put a foot in his face, gangster cat-kicking style, but thought against it. They're selling knife sets for 99p in the Kwick Save across the road.
Walked up some piss stinking stairwell. Knocked on the door. Some miserable old c**t in a string vest and spunk-encrusted tracksuit bottoms opens it.
"Hi mate, i'm from the council. I've come to see Stacey. Can I come in?"
"Aren't you that c**t from YouTube? he said.
Got seated on a sofa that looked like somebody had smeared their arse all over while I waited. Then Stacey walked in.
Surprisingly fit for a 15 year old. Spent about half hour listening to her whine about some girls bullying her at school. Didn't really concentrate. Was too busy staring at her tits.
Pretended to take down some notes. F**ked off home.
Tuesday March 17
Forgot to set my alarm so ended up getting into work at 11.30.
"I'll remind you you're still on your probation period, David." Helen said.
"I wo'nt stand for lazy time keeping".
Couldn't take her seriously; with her glinting ginger-tinged facial hair it was like being told by a human-sized hamster.
If I see her eat another muffin from the 'cake corner' I swear i'm going to smash a vanilla slice up her pussy.
Wednesday March 18
Boss eye Simon was a bit down this morning. Apparently his Mum thinks she has cancer. There he was, sniffling into Helen's ancient saggy tits. Was planning to sneak to the bog to tug off, when Stacey calls.
"You've got to help me" She said.
"There's group of girls at school giving me shit."
I've set up a meeting with her next week. F**k yeah. David Benson the f**king hero. Bet I have one of her pre-pubescent tits in my mouth by the end of the month.
Went into greggs for a cheeky sausage roll. The cashier asked me if I wanted two for £1.20. What's she trying to say?
Simon was in a better state when I got back. Apparently his Mum doesn't have cancer after all. She just had a garden pea lodged underneath her tit.
Thursday March 19
No work. No Nigel. Just me and his girlfriends underwear drawer, a widescreen HD TV and the freedom to tug off as much as my heart pleases.
Pulled out a pink thong. Phwoar. Run it gently under my nose and imagined it nestling her fanny lips. Bet they're well endowed.
A Rihanna music video popped on the telly. Started knocking one out, but timed it wrong; spunking my load just as Jay Z appeared for his rap cameo. Bollocks.
Popped into Tesco. The Blackenese beauty was there. Was going to buy a muti-pack of mcCoys, but plumped for a lucozade sport instead in an attempt to impress her.
"Working out, are we?" she purred.
"Not really, I said."
"That's a shame" she said.
"Was wondering if you could show me some moves".
Ended up leaving with a free lucozade sport. And her number! David f**king benson! The man! Things are looking up!!!! Gonna smash out a run in the park tomorrow to trim up.
Friday March 20
Woke up at 10. Put on Nigel's £120 NIKE 'LUNAGLIDE' running shoes. Selected 'Chariots of Fire' on my iPod. Headed out to the park.
There I was. Leaves crunching under every step. Sunlight gently toasting my face. Like Alistair f**king Brownlee or some shit. Then, I started feeling f**ked..
Nigel's c**ty trainers were too tight and started cutting into my feet. My chest started throbbing. And my boxers were chafing the tender fleshy bit between my ball sack and upper thigh. Perhaps that's what they mean by 'the wall'.
Checked my wristwatch. F**k it. 08. kilometres isn't that bad.
Saturday March 21
Still no response from Latecia overnight.
Saw them c**ty kids who taped me tugging off at the end of the road. Ran after them. Two were on bikes, and sped off, leaving this little fat c**t trailing behind. Easily caught up with him, smashing him to the floor by clipping the back of his legs. "Please mate, it wasn't me!" He says.
Raised my hand to pummel his infantile face, but some massive builder c**t covered in tattoos shouted at me. Shit myself. Ran home. Lucky little c**t.
Abbo come round. He brought round this Porno DVD, which wasn't half bad. There was this fit blonde dyke rimming this other italian style dyke. Was all going well, beer in hand, ginsters steak slice in the other, then Abbo starts tugging off on the other sofa beside me. F**king hell mate. Could have at least dimmed the lights.
Sunday March 22
Went on that date with that Tesco tits today. Her name's Latecia, she's well f**king fit. She wore this plunging orange dress that showed off her tits; with matching circular earrings. She almost looked like Beyonce; just considerably more overweight, with noticeably slantier eyes.
I wore a badly faded black Simon Cowell-esque v neck. And some jeans that had a bit of a spunk stain around the crotch. Took her Nando's.
I opted for half a extra-hot chicken, double chips, garlic bread, coleslaw and a coke. She had a mediterranean salad. We sat down. I started conversation.
"Why do girls always order f**k all when they go on dates?" I said.
"What? She said.
"It's clear you like your food, so why order a salad? Have a chicken burger or something".
Conversation didn't really flow after that. Regretted going extra hot. I was sweating profusely. Offered walking her home but she refused. Not sure if ill see her again. Gutted. I won't get that 2-4-1 voucher back again.
Monday March 23
Met up with that Stacey Gumball case at Cafe Nero at 10 in this morning. Stacey asked for a 'mocafrappachino lite'. Felt like a right batty asking for it. Cheeky little f**ker.
She was wearing this blue school jumper, her hair so slicked back it looked like it have been dipped in a vat of whale spunk. Her big old tits bulged under the confines of her poyerthere attire. Or should I say young tits. (Cant believe she's f**king underage!) Couldnt work out if I was turned on, in a sort of cutsey Japanese Schoolgirl fetish way, or if it was veering too much on the side of paedophilla.
After staring at each other in mind numbing silence for about two minutes, she told there's a gang of girls after her because she banged someone else's boyfriend.Wasnt really listening to be honest. I clocked some sexy italian looking bitch in the corner of the room. And spent most of the session trying to eye f**k her.
Afer the I Tie left I focused in on the convo a bit more told her not to worry, keep her head low for a while, and hopefully it will all blow over. Talking of which, i'd like to blow over her tits. Those big fat pre puescant tits. Is fifteen too young though?
Took the rest of the day off. Went home. Text Latecia , asking when she next wants to meet up. Didnt get a response. Played FIFA online. Got whipped by this japanese kid 13-1. Sent him an email of my cock with two tiny slitty eyes drawn on to my bellend. Got blocked from the Playstation network. Went for a kip.
Tuesday March 24
Got cautioned by helen in the office today. Apparently I can't just take afternoons off when I please. F**king hell.Clearly they'd rather I just sat in the f**king office all day pretending to work by typing mindless bullshit into a keyboard all day long.
Was so bored I attempted to stike up a conversation with Simon. Asked him if he'd got a girlfriend. He said no. Asked when he last had a girlfriend. He mumbled incomprehensibly, then his lazy eye rotated a full 90 degrees. F**king flabby titted faggot.
Had a bit of a wonder round the rest of the office. Bumped into this 45 year old divorcee Susan. She's been working there since 16. Her eyes wreeked of despair and depseration.Smashed out about thirty minutes small alk with her about where she's planning to go on holiday. She probably thinks im going to sweep her off her feet and save her f**king life,
Had a weird sort of torettes moment where I wanted to SMASH HER FUCKING BORING GINGER FACE IN WITH MY FIST.Wrote up some reports. Went home. Sat with NIgel in the front room watching telly. He made spaghetti bolognese. It was nice, don't get me wrong. But he slurps the pasta off his fork makes him look like a f**king lizard. Wondered if I could break his wafer thin head with
one punch. Definately reckon so. Still no response from Latecia.
Wedneday March 25
Got handed another case at work today. Little black kid called Damian King. Had a look at his profile:
Personal Profile:
Damian is a frustration to his mother, his teachers and everyone else around him. Since a very early age he has shown a complete lack of respect for authority and contiunes to resist the educational system in a myriad of aggressive and disobediant ways. He is a major disruption to classmates and destrucitve to his own development.
F**k. Got to see the little c**t at his school on Monday.
Thursday March 26
What a load of shite. No work, but the internets not working. At a complete loss what to do. Unscrewed the hub to try and fix the fuse, but after realising I didnt know what I was talking about I gave up. Tried to tug of using merely my imagination but it was no good. Tried to tug myself off flciking through the music channels but nothing decent came up. HAd to make do with Shiana Twain on VH1. weird.
Nigel came in about 4,, wearing a new pair of glasses he'd bought from Donald & Alchtikson. "How do I look", he says. "I think you look like f**king louie theroux", I responded. Strange thing being, he seemed pleasantly suprised.
He went into his room and listened to an entire coldplay album straight running while wailing along in that nerdish fashion of his. Sat in the kitchen heating up super noodles. Thought baout forcibly dunking his head into the scalding hot water. Then thrusting a kebab skwer thorough his neck. Take that c**t!
Laticia text me about 10 asking if I wanted to go to the Tate Modern museum tomorrow. Obliged. Should be interesting.
Friday March 27th
A mixed day, really. On the plus side, got to spend the day with the blackense princess, spiying crafty glances at her arse crack at regular intervals. ON the neagative, I walked into the Tate MOdern. Which can now be officially confirmed as the world's biggest store of wank.
Walked into one room. Saw what appeared to be a collection drawings of autistic children. Walked into another. Saw what appeared to be the contents of a scrapyard stapled together. F**k me. If this is what modern artists are getting away with, I might as well take a shit on a canvas now, stick it up on eBay and ask for my multi million pound paycheck now.
The crowd in there was really pissing me off. Various pretentious c**ts in thick rimmed glasses poncing around, pretending to be inspired by what essentially is a large warehouse stacked full of assorted shite.
Had lunch in the cafe there with latecia. Cost f**king 12.50 for what basically was a couple of ryvitas stacked with cheese and a bit of lettuce. Had a good chat with her. And got a kiss. Tryed to sneak my hand up her thigh but she batted it away before I reached her minge. Still managed to tug off about it when I ot home.
Saturday March 28th
Got pissed with Nigel, his bird and that weird lesbian I f**ked at the flat. Wasnt going to bother but they turned up with a load off Captain Morgan. Lezza bitch cornered me outside the bog on the landing. "F**k me now" she said. "Only if you take the jumper off this time" I responded. Itchy as f**k.
Weird old shag she is indeed. She kept clasping at my balls while I was dogging her like some sort of greedy human crab. Flipped her over, and started banging her missionary style. Got freaked out by her square jawline and crew cut. Almost like f**king myself. Flipped her back over.
Sunday March 29th
Woke up with Lezza nestling on my chest. Awkward. Realised I didnt use a condom. Probably got aids. F**k.
