When something's good, its good Mikado.
Anyhow, by popular(ish) request, here is my successful/failing sketch. As I think I said it is a revision of an older one so some may have come across it before:
BOB AND MAX ARE IN THE PUB. THEY TALK IN STRONG MANCUNIAN ACCENTS.
BOB: Long time to see mate. What you doing now?
MAX:Ah. Exciting times mate, what with BBC re-locating up 'ere.
BOB: What, you getting better reception are you?
MAX:No, mate, I've only got a job with the Beeb. I'm working on Newsnight.
BOB: What, that political bollocks on BBC2? What are you, the new racing correspondent?
MAXLAUGHS) Nah mate. I'm Jeremy Paxman's Fluffer.
BOB:What's that?
MAX:Well, you know the adult entertainment industry?
BOB:Yes indeed mate, my Sandra says I'm a little too familiar with it if anything.
MAX:Yes, right, well...they employ attractive young ladies to ensure the male stars are...erm...ready for action at all times.
BOB:What?
MAX:You know: prime the pocket rocket? (BEAT) Rev up the throbbing thrill hammer? (BEAT) Engorge the blue-veined custard chucker? (BEAT)
MAX MAKES A GESTURE. BOB HAS FINALLY GOT IT
BOBOBVIOUSLY SOMEWHAT DISGUSTED) Urgh! And you do that to Paxman before he starts the show?
MAX:God no! It's a metaphor.
BOB:You give him a metaphor?
MAX:What? No. How would that even work? Look, you know Paxman is well-known for his irascibility with political guests, right?
BOB:Erm...?
MAX:Mardy bastard, yeah?
BOBh yeah! Famous for it.
MAX:Well, that doesn't happen by accident you know, Paxman is an absolute pussycat when he arrives at the studio. That's my job.
BOB:You piss him off before he goes on air!?
MAX:In a manner of speaking. First of all, I provoke him with badly constructed arguments. You know; cutting benefits actually helps the poor; Rebekah Brooks couldn't possibly have known about the phone tapping because she was distracted by some kittens.
BOB:And that gets him going does it?
MAX:That's just the start. Then I start quoting meaningless statistics , you know - 'half of our schools are below average'. That drives him nuts
BOB:Then he's ready to go, yeah?
MAX:Nearly. Then I just have to avoid a few questions.
BOB:How d'you mean?
MAX:He'll say; 'is it time to go on yet?' and I'll go- 'the real question is whether we can avoid going on at this time.' Or- 'this is not the moment to discuss the detail of the going-on time, but I can assure you that when the time is right we shall not be found lacking in our capacity for set entry' Then it's just a matter of standing back and watching him go.
BOB:Amazing. And that's all you have to do eh? Nice one.
MAXLAUGHING) Not quite. I mean, the BBC wouldn't pay me £1000 a week for that.
BOB:A grand!?
MAX:Well, you know, cut-backs. (BEAT) Anyway, I have to calm him down when we go off air too. Can't send him back out on the streets in that state, he might do someone an injury.
BOB:How d'you do that?
MAX:Blow job, obviously.
CLOSE
I'd also like to add my congrats and thanks to Janet and the team. good event.