Realised I somehow missed reviewing "A Womb with a view to a kill", so here goes. Found the dialogue very good, thought Hitler was a bad move but was done well (liked the Spice Hitlers). Liked how the title meant more than the references it punned on. MAYBE
Big up the trials massive. Special Children in need votes follow
Alice and the Genie - Mine. Yes
Country Rock - Mine. Yes
Burrax - You've got a nice style to your writing, it's easy to read and all makes sense. I'm afraid I don't like a narrator though. It's a bit telling not showing. I think you're on solid ground with the idea but maybe ditch the narration, and it needs to be funnier. There's an easy gentle humour but I suspect you could could wring some more funny out of this. Thought from later in the day that maybe without too much tweaking, this becomes a nice short story? - No
Clarice - Hmmm, this isn't really bad. But it needs more oomph. You've put it down as a modern Wonderful Life, which is a bold statement. But I'm not getting much in the way of defined characters, the plot is a little thin and there aren't enough jokes. Really, what I'd say is the same only more so. Give your characters some characteristics and throw more jokes at it. - No
Face-Time - The set-up reminds me of Spaced. I know it isn't exactly, but it's similar. The lead loser-geek who's been dumped by his smart ex. It's just a bit Spaced so, you've set yourself up with some serious competition immediately. The characters are thin. Two blokes, one slightly more of a loser than the other. You need to have a bit more contrast there. The biggest problem though is you've missed out the middle. IT feels incomplete. The magic laptop idea is fun though, so you've got a decent enough concept. Just give it to some more interesting characters - No
KING CHICKEN & THE NING-NINGS - Very funny. Like the characters, made me laugh. One thing though, Corby sometimes drfits from her hard man persona, I'd just make more of her 'Cole-slaughter' is one of the funniest lines I've read - Yes
The Time Travels of Dr Choo - I like this, it's funny. But it's a sketch. It's too short for this, but I think if you stretched it to 15 pages it would be very dull. But as it stands it's a funny sketch. If I were you I'd cut it down a bit as it is dense for a sketch, maybe cut it into two parts and market it as a sketch send it to sketch competitions and such but for this - Maybe
A womb with a view to a kill - Okay, I'm not going to deny this hasn't got it's funny bits...the Spice Hitlers is lovely. But nothing happens. It's two people on a stage saying (sometimes quite funny) jokes at each other. The two people are interchangeable, so there's no character development. You can write a nice line but you need to read up on character and plot. - No
Chaos - Punctuation! This was a bugger to read because you've got next to no punctuation. Rory and Vaz feel like the same person. There is no plot, Rory just has sex with an alien. The idea of alien sex-tourism isn't a bad one, it's original, but in the current climate I read sex-tourist, I hear Gary Glitter. - No
Aliens - Good stuff. Funny. Problems though are the two blokes are very, very similar. Needs some more character definition to tell the difference between them. The plot is also a bit one note, I think you need some more stuff going on - Maybe
Area 47a - Hmm, it's a bit all over the place. I'm not entirely sure what was going on? What was the stuff with the crop circle for? The stuff between Neville and Fod is terrific. Nicely written, funny. you get a reall sense of Neville. But I'm not entirely sure what the story is? I don't understand, so it might be me being dense - Maybe
Chimps - Jen and Terr are identical. I think a lot of people trap themselves like this. Two characters, same sex, same age, old friends. This is going to make it really difficult to give two defined characters. The idea of being trapped in a future prison is quite fun but there's not nearly enough laughs - No
Great Space - This felt a little long, and I didn't laugh at all. I can see you can write, but you need more action and funny and I completely lost track of who was who and what they were doing - No
Not from round here - Lose the Narrator. If you think about that on stage you've just got a bloke talking for 1 minute. Sorry, but, boring. Too many Grobbelys and Flobalobs. The odd one is fine for Sci-fi flavour, but they weren't funny enough words and I totally lost track of what each one was. That said, nice script. Amusing rather than hilarious...except the computer who I loved - Maybe
Our Mutual Friend - Okay, so we've got two distinct characters which is very good. I kept hearing one's tone of voice in the other though 'We've pissed off and lost the greatest human creation in history! The guy got 25 out of 25 on Rhine's ESP test!' sounds way more like Max than Bernie. Afraid I didn't laugh nearly enough, needs more action and jokes - NO
Space vets -It's quite a nice setting but the characters aren't really that funny. I'd say you're missing out on great scope for a cackling mad scientist type something a bit more dramatic. The dialogue is good but there's not enough in the way of a plot. - No
Stanburg - There's some good stuff in here; rummage in the kitty, exorcise partner. But I can't make head or tale of the story or characters. It feels like a bunch of people just saying funny/odd stuff...maybe I'm just old - Maybe
Apocalypse - All characters are identical, and there's not much of a plot. Funny lines in there, but needs some structure. - No
Apocalyptic Cake Sale - Where's the cake sale? You said there would be cakes dammit, and there's not a one. Nice idea. Tom/Barry are reasonably okay. I could tell the difference between the two which is great, but they need to be a bit more distinct. Not enough plot through, a lot a decent window dressing, not enough plot. - Maybe
Bunk - Sandra's a bit cliched and it's very convoluted but it made me laugh. Could do with a massive cut though. You've thrown everything at it so there's bits in there that are funny but don't serve a narrative purpose. Cut them out and save them for something else - maybe
Dome, Sweet Dome - Waaay too reliant on the sci-fi references. You've got this Dome at the end of the world filled with major Sci-fi characters and events which I find difficult to get. Bruce and Dern are the same person and there's very little plot - No
Event Horizon Crescent - Not for me. I can see how this might work but it was too clunky for me. Decent characters and plot though just really didn't make me laugh. - No
Hey Human, get out of my wife - Good solid stuff with plot characters and everything. An awful lot of puns, which I rather like but I'm not sure is suitable for sitcom. Also felt a bit long and flabby and could do with a cut, particularly round the middle - Yes
Men in Brown - Fine, could be funnier and the lead characters are a bit bland but decent story and cracking idea - Maybe
Nova FM - Really imaginative and had a real sense of place. Very well written. I'd say the two lead ladybots are a bit too similar. I'd lose one and get in a different character. Needs to be funnier though, didn't make me laugh enough - Maybe
SU - Right, you're definitely on to something here. Sometimes your characters do slip and I can't tell which is which but there's a decent definition there. There's lots of fun in their early interplay. Problem is there's not a tight enough plot. You set up the problem with the door and then bin that for a ex-girlfriend (who's boring and the dilema between the two is cliched. Boo! Lose the girl) IT was a Yes up until the girl turning up - Maybe
Inconceivable - Man alive that's long. I did my best with it. I didn't buy the dialogue though, there's some funny things in there but you have a tendency to hammer it home so the bloke says something cynical and she says "I knew you'd come out with some cynical comment." "Stop being cynical" and stuff. Don't worry about it, the reader/viewer gets that he's cynical. I hate bickering couples with a straight-laced wife and loveable oaf husband. It's cliched as hell. - No
Sky Level - I couldn't figure out which one was the sister until halfway through. There's no character definition here. there also no plot. They bicker for two thirds of the script before anything happens. Really, the plot should kick in on page one but the nature of the Trials means you need a little breathing space to set things up but this took way too long to get going - No
Space Cowgirl - Nice simple set up with potential for humour. Raven's great fun. Logan's a bit bland so give him a bit of oomph. decent plot and funny. Sweet. - Yes
Starship Impossible - Nicely structured and reasonable characters but I'm not sure the plot made sense and it felt a bit old fashioned...the joke about an unseen ensign going on to the away team. Seen that many times. Needs a bit more funny as well - No
The Crew - The Office in space? Not for me. Liked the idea of the printing though, if you could turn the idea of getting the printing to work into a Star Trek kind of episode then I think it's a terrific idea for a sketch not sure it's a sitcom though - No
THE PRINCESS OF DARKNESS - Nice plot and some funny dialogue. Characters a bit bland though...is there any difference between the Queen and Princess? Vampire and Werewolf? They were a bit interchangable - MAYBE
Them and Us - Seemed like an awful lot of characters and they didn't do anything. Bonus points for trying to have distinct characters though. Needs to be much more of a plot though, and didn't make me laugh enough - No
Time travel Tours - there seemed to be a lot of exposition going on that seemed a little clumsy. I got a very smart tip recently that exposition is fine if you make it funny, that way people are too busy laughing to notice they're being told what's going on. Also, work on the dialogue as it felt quite clunky in places. I think this is a solid idea but needs a lot more work. - No
Where No MAN Has Gone Before - Some of the stuff about what use is a penis is fun but there's too many characters who don't really have too much to them and your lead character is described by you as an average joe bloggs character...which isn't very interesting. - No
I saw the Sitcom Trials in Bristol and really enjoyed it, so pleased to be able to get involved by voting.
51 Roswell Road
Felt there was too much explanation and didn't understand why Robert was so angry, there didn't seem to be a reason for it. NO
Womb
I'm afraid I didn't find this funny at all and it was a bit too surreal. Don't think that everyone being Hitler works. NO
Alice
Some nice touches and liked the final joke, but felt a bit as if the whole thing was just leading up to this. Would be interested to see where it goes next. MAYBE
Aliens
Couldn't see where this was going, no obvious bigger story. Didn't like the 'period' jokes, done too often before. NO
Where no man
Too reliant on lesbian jokes and idea of only one man being left not wholly original. NO
Time Travel Tours
Like the concept of time travel tours but this didn't make me laugh and found the idea of watching a murder distasteful. NO
Them and Us
Found some sentences clunky and couldn't get into it. Mispronunciation of name gag got a bit wearing. NO
Dr Choo
Didn't get beyond page 2 - bit too ridiculous for me and just didn't find it funny. NO
Princess of Darkness
Found this a bit too childish, more like panto horror than sci-fi, although did like the werewolf and vampire teaming up and killing Lancelot. MAYBE
Apocalypse
Didn't find the characters convincing and some of the dialogue seemed a bit random. NO
Apocalypse Cake Sale
Liked the concept of motivational speakers, but thought it was a shame the mysterious figure died, think more could have been done with them. MAYBE
Area 47a
Liked part one and the misunderstanding about the stalker, but felt part 2 wasn't so clear or funny. MAYBE
Bunk
Liked most of the jokes and the setting of a PR company, but the Hilter part put me off a bit. MAYBE
Burrax
This read more like a short story than a sit com and ended very finally, with no clear way it could be taken further. NO
Chimps
Thought this was well written and liked the characters' realisation at the end, but not sure where it can go. MAYBE
Clarice
Really liked this - well written, funny, irreverent. YES
Country Rock
A bit repetitive, I lost interest in the exchange about the milkman. Zombies are more horror than sci-fi and it turns out there weren't any anyway, so not aure where it's going. NO
Dome, Sweet Dome
The names of the characters being Bruce and Dern is a bit too obvious a reference for me and I felt that nothing really happens. NO
The Crew
Found this very confusing at first as references to 'the guys' and 'interviewer' weren't explained. Obviously got it in the end but it put me off, sorry. NO
Starship Impossible
First narrator speech which says that everything turned out fine and this is more of the same didn't exactly make me want to read on, but this is mitigated somewhat by one of the characters saying that things are boring! Some good jokes but not keen on the characters' names. MAYBE
Stanburg
Didn't understand some of the dialogue, seemed very random and little to do with the story. I liked the kitty and iphone jokes but lost interest halfway through. NO
Space Vets
Well written but wasn't too keen on the U2 references, although quite liked the ending - leaves it open for more. MAYBE
Space Cowgirl
Well written with good dialogue, liked the stubborness of the Raven character in the face of adversity. YES
Event Horizon Crescent
Quite a good twist on the traditional dysfunctional family premise for a sit com. Liked the joke about why he got sacked. MAYBE
Face-Time
Like the concept and there's lots of scope for future episodes, but didn;t find it very funny. Thought that one of the characters getting words wrong and his mate correcting them was leading up to a big final joke but it didn't go anywhere. NO
Sky-Level
Started off ok but the whole thing then became one big goat joke that just wasn't funny. NO
Great Space
I didn't take to the characters and wasn't intetested in what happens next, although quite like the idea of an intergalactic events company. NO
Hey Human..
Good title but doesn't live up to it. The jokes and puns made me groan rather than laugh and it became confusing. NO
Inconceivable
To me this is a protracted argument rather than a sit com that isn't funny and plays on gender stereotypes. Maybe would have been good to introduce other characters earlier. NO
S.U.
Didn't find this funny and premise is a bit too X-Men. NO
King Chicken
Clever use of the audience to get around small cast size. Liked the exposition joke and that the situation was caused by a stray bit of pot noodle. YES
Men in Brown
A bit too Buffy (portals in schools)and not keen on the school setting, also found it a bit confusing. NO
Our Mutual Friend
Well written with good characters, liked the references to recent events, wanted to read on to see what happened. YES
Nova FM
I'm afraid this one left me cold, couldn't get into it at all and didn't want to read to end once Cliff appeared. NO
Not from round here
Not a lot to say about this one, it just didn't grab me. NO
Quote: Trinder @ November 16 2012, 8:12 PM GMTBig up the trials massive. Special Children in need votes follow
Alice and the Genie - Mine. Yes
Country Rock - Mine. Yes
Burrax - You've got a nice style to your writing, it's easy to read and all makes sense. I'm afraid I don't like a narrator though. It's a bit telling not showing. I think you're on solid ground with the idea but maybe ditch the narration, and it needs to be funnier. There's an easy gentle humour but I suspect you could could wring some more funny out of this. Thought from later in the day that maybe without too much tweaking, this becomes a nice short story? - No
Clarice - Hmmm, this isn't really bad. But it needs more oomph. You've put it down as a modern Wonderful Life, which is a bold statement. But I'm not getting much in the way of defined characters, the plot is a little thin and there aren't enough jokes. Really, what I'd say is the same only more so. Give your characters some characteristics and throw more jokes at it. - No
Face-Time - The set-up reminds me of Spaced. I know it isn't exactly, but it's similar. The lead loser-geek who's been dumped by his smart ex. It's just a bit Spaced so, you've set yourself up with some serious competition immediately. The characters are thin. Two blokes, one slightly more of a loser than the other. You need to have a bit more contrast there. The biggest problem though is you've missed out the middle. IT feels incomplete. The magic laptop idea is fun though, so you've got a decent enough concept. Just give it to some more interesting characters - No
KING CHICKEN & THE NING-NINGS - Very funny. Like the characters, made me laugh. One thing though, Corby sometimes drfits from her hard man persona, I'd just make more of her 'Cole-slaughter' is one of the funniest lines I've read - Yes
The Time Travels of Dr Choo - I like this, it's funny. But it's a sketch. It's too short for this, but I think if you stretched it to 15 pages it would be very dull. But as it stands it's a funny sketch. If I were you I'd cut it down a bit as it is dense for a sketch, maybe cut it into two parts and market it as a sketch send it to sketch competitions and such but for this - Maybe
A womb with a view to a kill - Okay, I'm not going to deny this hasn't got it's funny bits...the Spice Hitlers is lovely. But nothing happens. It's two people on a stage saying (sometimes quite funny) jokes at each other. The two people are interchangeable, so there's no character development. You can write a nice line but you need to read up on character and plot. - No
Chaos - Punctuation! This was a bugger to read because you've got next to no punctuation. Rory and Vaz feel like the same person. There is no plot, Rory just has sex with an alien. The idea of alien sex-tourism isn't a bad one, it's original, but in the current climate I read sex-tourist, I hear Gary Glitter. - No
Aliens - Good stuff. Funny. Problems though are the two blokes are very, very similar. Needs some more character definition to tell the difference between them. The plot is also a bit one note, I think you need some more stuff going on - Maybe
Area 47a - Hmm, it's a bit all over the place. I'm not entirely sure what was going on? What was the stuff with the crop circle for? The stuff between Neville and Fod is terrific. Nicely written, funny. you get a reall sense of Neville. But I'm not entirely sure what the story is? I don't understand, so it might be me being dense - Maybe
Chimps - Jen and Terr are identical. I think a lot of people trap themselves like this. Two characters, same sex, same age, old friends. This is going to make it really difficult to give two defined characters. The idea of being trapped in a future prison is quite fun but there's not nearly enough laughs - No
Great Space - This felt a little long, and I didn't laugh at all. I can see you can write, but you need more action and funny and I completely lost track of who was who and what they were doing - No
Not from round here - Lose the Narrator. If you think about that on stage you've just got a bloke talking for 1 minute. Sorry, but, boring. Too many Grobbelys and Flobalobs. The odd one is fine for Sci-fi flavour, but they weren't funny enough words and I totally lost track of what each one was. That said, nice script. Amusing rather than hilarious...except the computer who I loved - Maybe
Our Mutual Friend - Okay, so we've got two distinct characters which is very good. I kept hearing one's tone of voice in the other though 'We've pissed off and lost the greatest human creation in history! The guy got 25 out of 25 on Rhine's ESP test!' sounds way more like Max than Bernie. Afraid I didn't laugh nearly enough, needs more action and jokes - NO
Space vets -It's quite a nice setting but the characters aren't really that funny. I'd say you're missing out on great scope for a cackling mad scientist type something a bit more dramatic. The dialogue is good but there's not enough in the way of a plot. - No
Stanburg - There's some good stuff in here; rummage in the kitty, exorcise partner. But I can't make head or tale of the story or characters. It feels like a bunch of people just saying funny/odd stuff...maybe I'm just old - Maybe
Apocalypse - All characters are identical, and there's not much of a plot. Funny lines in there, but needs some structure. - No
Apocalyptic Cake Sale - Where's the cake sale? You said there would be cakes dammit, and there's not a one. Nice idea. Tom/Barry are reasonably okay. I could tell the difference between the two which is great, but they need to be a bit more distinct. Not enough plot through, a lot a decent window dressing, not enough plot. - Maybe
Bunk - Sandra's a bit cliched and it's very convoluted but it made me laugh. Could do with a massive cut though. You've thrown everything at it so there's bits in there that are funny but don't serve a narrative purpose. Cut them out and save them for something else - maybe
Dome, Sweet Dome - Waaay too reliant on the sci-fi references. You've got this Dome at the end of the world filled with major Sci-fi characters and events which I find difficult to get. Bruce and Dern are the same person and there's very little plot - No
Event Horizon Crescent - Not for me. I can see how this might work but it was too clunky for me. Decent characters and plot though just really didn't make me laugh. - No
Hey Human, get out of my wife - Good solid stuff with plot characters and everything. An awful lot of puns, which I rather like but I'm not sure is suitable for sitcom. Also felt a bit long and flabby and could do with a cut, particularly round the middle - Yes
Men in Brown - Fine, could be funnier and the lead characters are a bit bland but decent story and cracking idea - Maybe
Nova FM - Really imaginative and had a real sense of place. Very well written. I'd say the two lead ladybots are a bit too similar. I'd lose one and get in a different character. Needs to be funnier though, didn't make me laugh enough - Maybe
SU - Right, you're definitely on to something here. Sometimes your characters do slip and I can't tell which is which but there's a decent definition there. There's lots of fun in their early interplay. Problem is there's not a tight enough plot. You set up the problem with the door and then bin that for a ex-girlfriend (who's boring and the dilema between the two is cliched. Boo! Lose the girl) IT was a Yes up until the girl turning up - Maybe
Inconceivable - Man alive that's long. I did my best with it. I didn't buy the dialogue though, there's some funny things in there but you have a tendency to hammer it home so the bloke says something cynical and she says "I knew you'd come out with some cynical comment." "Stop being cynical" and stuff. Don't worry about it, the reader/viewer gets that he's cynical. I hate bickering couples with a straight-laced wife and loveable oaf husband. It's cliched as hell. - No
Sky Level - I couldn't figure out which one was the sister until halfway through. There's no character definition here. there also no plot. They bicker for two thirds of the script before anything happens. Really, the plot should kick in on page one but the nature of the Trials means you need a little breathing space to set things up but this took way too long to get going - No
Space Cowgirl - Nice simple set up with potential for humour. Raven's great fun. Logan's a bit bland so give him a bit of oomph. decent plot and funny. Sweet. - Yes
Starship Impossible - Nicely structured and reasonable characters but I'm not sure the plot made sense and it felt a bit old fashioned...the joke about an unseen ensign going on to the away team. Seen that many times. Needs a bit more funny as well - No
The Crew - The Office in space? Not for me. Liked the idea of the printing though, if you could turn the idea of getting the printing to work into a Star Trek kind of episode then I think it's a terrific idea for a sketch not sure it's a sitcom though - No
THE PRINCESS OF DARKNESS - Nice plot and some funny dialogue. Characters a bit bland though...is there any difference between the Queen and Princess? Vampire and Werewolf? They were a bit interchangable - MAYBE
Them and Us - Seemed like an awful lot of characters and they didn't do anything. Bonus points for trying to have distinct characters though. Needs to be much more of a plot though, and didn't make me laugh enough - No
Time travel Tours - there seemed to be a lot of exposition going on that seemed a little clumsy. I got a very smart tip recently that exposition is fine if you make it funny, that way people are too busy laughing to notice they're being told what's going on. Also, work on the dialogue as it felt quite clunky in places. I think this is a solid idea but needs a lot more work. - No
Where No MAN Has Gone Before - Some of the stuff about what use is a penis is fun but there's too many characters who don't really have too much to them and your lead character is described by you as an average joe bloggs character...which isn't very interesting. - No
wow! thank u so much man, another offer of alcohol for ye too
Which one is you?
Fair comments about mine too Trinder (SU) after comments I'm def going to write full pilot script aimed at children
Here are my votes.
51 Roswell Rd
Stilted dialogue. Too much of a slog to get through. NO
A Womb with a View.
Quite amusing, could've done with more going on though. Audience may chuckle though. MAYBE
Alice and the Genie
Sorry, just not my cup of rosy lee. NO
Apocalypse
Too much backstory and exposition. NO.
Apocalyptic Cake Sale
No cakes? Doesn't feel right for a sitcom. NO.
Bunk
Lots of unfunny jokes. Hitler? NO
Burrax
Lots of droll humour, right up my street. YES.
Chaos
Rory and Vaz were funny, though the story wasn't that good. Could nevertheless do well in front of a live audience. MAYBE
Chimps
Started off okay but ran out of steam a bit. Jen and Terr were quite funny though. MAYBE.
Clarice
The first half was too long, too much referencing going on. NO
Country Rock
Story was a bit boring, some funny characters but on the whole it just didn't have enough about it. NO.
Dome Sweet Dome
Filled with awkward exposition, the premise was a bit flat as well. NO.
Event Horizon Crescent
Far too many name-checking of sci-fi gags, made the comedy take second place. NO.
Face-Time
Funny dialogue and endearing characters. The second half could've been better. But it still gets a YES.
Great Space
Too much stuff going on. The "cliffhanger" was rather easy to climb over. NO.
King Chicken and the Ning Nings
Breaking the fourth wall is one thing. Involving the audience to this degree tells me the writer ran out of ideas. NO.
Men in Brown
Greg was a funny character, but the story didn't do it for me. It also took too long for my interest to get, well, get interested. NO.
Our Mutual Friend
Another one which was too slow. Premise didn't excite me. NO
Princess of Darkness wants a Tan
Again this is not a sci-fi comedy. NO
Space Cowgirl
The banter didn't move the story along. Also, like many others, too much sci-fi referencing going on. NO.
Space Vets
This ticked me actually. Fun premise too. YES
Starship Impossible
I just think silly stock comedy character-types on a spaceship has been done to death. Probably the most unoriginal of all the entries. NO.
The Crew
See above. NO
Stanburg
I just didn't get it and I got confused a lot. NO.
Time Travels of Dr. Choo
The ridiculousness of this did make me laugh. MAYBE
Them and Us
Far too many characters, but it did have some great one-liners. MAYBE
Time Travel Tours
Basically a one-joke idea. Once that is established it's no longer funny. NO.
Where No MAN Has Gone Before
Some of it I liked, some I didn't. MAYBE
Finally got through them all. Well done to everyone who submitted a script. Don't take it personally if I gave you a NO.
51 ROSWELL RD
Started of alright, but was wearing thin. Not much of a cliffhanger.
NO
A WOMB WITH A VIEW TO A KILL
This was just... bonkers and probably not everyone's cup of tea. But luckily I just happen to like that kind of humour. Was bordering on a sketch but the end turned it into a sitcom for me.
YES
ALICE & THE GENIE
The start was a bit abrupt. The sci-fi elements seemed laboured. Overall not my thing.
NO
ALIENS
The period joke wasn't good the first time around. Seemed to rely heavily on stereotypes. (Sidenote: 'Captain Spock' isn't wrong.)
NO
APOCALYPSE
Consisted mostly of the characters talking about the past.
NO
AREA 47A
Was amusing but the storyline was hard to follow. It basically stops where it starts to get interesting.
MAYBE
BFF 3000
The idea was quite good, but the script felt more like an exposition and more suited for TV/film.
NO
BUNK
Nice flow, but the Hitler storyline was a bit constructed (some details were off too). I saw it coming a mile off and the reveal didn't add much. I'm still not sure about the characters' motivations/goal.
NO
BURRAX
Not really the set-up for a series, more of a one-off sketch. But I found the absurd set-up really entertaining.
MAYBE
CHAOS
Just didn't work for me, sorry. Just not my kind of humour and the sci-fi elements seemed to be just added on top.
NO
CHIMPS
Quite amusing, but a bit too open ended.
MAYBE
CLARICE12
The characters' motivations weren't clear and I didn't get the cliffhanger (Why does a pat on the back make him die?) Also: not really sci-fi.
NO
COUNTRY ROCK
Good flow, but mainly banter. Would have been a maybe if it was actually sci-fi.
NO
DOME, SWEET DOME
Highly relying on sci-fi references while not adding much original to it. Didn't have much of a plot and what was there was drowned by allusions. Kudos for most references per sqare inch though.
NO
EVENT HORIZON CRESCENT
Good spoof idea. Nicely flowing and funny dialogue.
YES
FACE-TIME
Felt clichéd and just was't my kind of humour.
NO
GREAT SPACE
Seems a bit too long. Lots of questions aren't answered. Original and I like the style though.
MAYBE
HEY HUMAN! GET OUT OF MY WIFE
Liked the overall style, but felt a bit all over the place.
(sidenote: found it bit irritating that you used abbreviations instead of the characters' names while reading.)
MAYBE
KING CHICKEN & THE NING NINGS
Not sure if the panto elements will work when staged. Seemed a bit too long, but was entertaining.
MAYBE
MEN IN BROWN
Apart from the beginning (it took awhile to get to the actual plot) otherwise good pace and nice premise though.
MAYBE
NOT FROM ROUND HERE
Introduction by narrator felt a bit clunky. Otherwise pretty good.
YES
NOVA FM
Felt like Red Dwarf and consisted mainly of banter. But I liked the premise and dialogue.
MAYBE
OUR MUTUAL FRIEND
Felt a bit clichéd and the humour didn't work for me. Might just be me, but I was really irritated by the idea of falling/jumping from the moon.
NO
S.U.
Super hero school is not a bad idea but I think it wasn't developed enough.
MAYBE
INCONCEIVABLE
Felt more like drama than a sitcom. Too long.
NO
SKY-LEVEL
Mainly talk about what happened in the meantime and the goat joke was overused.
NO
SPACE COWGIRLS
Meanders a bit, but has a nice flow. End felt a bit sudden but overall good fun.
YES
SPACE VETS
An original premise, good jokes and well paced. I really enjoyed this one.
YES
STANBURG
I remember reading and voting on a previous version of this one before. And the absurd parts I quite liked the first time fall flat second time around for me.
NO
STARSHIP IMPOSSIBLE
Too many charcters for Sitcom Trials (the counselour & the doctor seemed to be there for the sole purpose of feeding the others lines). Otherwise nice Star Trek-like sitcom.
MAYBE
THE CREW
Didn't feel funny to me. Also the bit with them just singing Space Oddity felt really long.
NO
THE PRINCESS OF DARKNESS WANTS A TAN
Nice flow. I really liked the dialogue and the twist. Would have been a yes, but there was no sci fi, so...
MAYBE
THE TIME TRAVELS OF DR CHOO
The whole "importance of shoes" thing was something new, but the script didn't really sell it. Mainly dialogue and little action. Seems more like a sketch.
NO
THEM & US
Some jokes were played over and over. Too many characters for Sitcom Trials and the conclusion felt a bit like a let down.
NO
TIME TRAVEL TOURS
Humour didn't work for me and the time travel idea felt a bit all over the place. (Either make a mystery of the rules of time travel or tell them.)
NO
WHERE NO MAN HAS GONE BEFORE
Seemed a bit overcrowded (actor wise) and I'm not sure if the set-up can be stretched over a whole series. The idea of a 'no more man society' is quite old and apart from the more current/perspective that is already in the script, I'm not sure if anything new/interesting can be added.
NO
Sitcom Trials Sci-Fi - here's my thoughts. Hope they're useful to you.
51 Roswell Road - love the title. The interplay between the characters didn't make me laugh out loud but did make me smile inside. Liked the main character as a grumpy geek - thought that would appeal to the target audience. Some nice knowing references. Perhaps too knowing at times. I would have liked it if Marilyn and Mum had met before and there was an existing animosity, rather than them meeting for the first time. For me part two felt like it was from a slightly different show to the first part - possibly because of the sudden appearance of swearing, but also felt the personality of the characters had shifted slightly. - MAYBE.
A Womb With a View to a Kill - afraid this one didn't make me laugh. I felt the voice and attitude of the two characters was very similar. It was more exposition of actions that had already occurred than action taking place. Sorry. - NO
Alice and the Genie - I liked Alice and Barry. They had distinctive voices. I didn't quite believe a person like Alice would accept Barry's claim to be a genie so easily - I felt like he'd have to make some small token of proof, or that she already knows it's a magical lamp because a friend had already used it etc. But that's a small niggle, because I liked all the legal and H&S shenanigans. - YES
Aliens - Some nice lines that made me snort... Nigel from Rigel. Wasn't sure about the whole 'period' thing and felt I'd seen the 'going to see obscure interesting film' too many times before as a device. I liked Clare - though by page 8 I was wondering why she had anything to do with a couple of odd bods like Terry and Paul. If she was related to one of them that would be a believable reason for her to care. I think my biggest problem was that Terry and Paul were effectively the same character (which may have been the point), but I would have preferred if they were more distinctive. - NO
Apocalypse - I enjoyed the hamster moment and the Chester-Hollyoaks gag. The group certainly seemed like a dysfunctional troupe fit for a comedy. However I felt their characters could have been bolder, and the story was a little baggy in places. - NO
Apocalyptic Cake Sale - nice to see a relationship with some hierarchy in it - Tom as Barry's superior. The determination to keep thinking positive in the face of the end of the world was a good idea. However, I didn't find it very funny and the second scene seemed a bit random. - NO
Bunk - the idea of Hitler becoming bad because he read the Daily Mail is a nice gag. Though the whole Hitler - time travel thing feels well worn. Overall I didn't engage with it or find it funny enough. Sorry. - NO.
Burrax - an original concept compared to some of the other scripts - having an evil deity give powers to an avatar. Some funny lines and moments and an interesting set up. I wondered if too much of it was narrated, but still - MAYBE.
Chimps - I chuckled at Baba Ganoush. I quite liked the set up and dilemma - and the unflappable Falafel. I thought Brian was going to be quite simple minded, but he didn't read that way. But still - MAYBE.
Clarice - This was a fun concept and Clarice was fittingly bad at her job, while still being likeable. I warmed to her especially because of the unlikable Gabriel. Didn't tickle my funny bone enormously, however - MAYBE.
Country Rock - this was jolly enough, and had the rhythm of a comedy drama rather than an all out sitcom. I didn't think the sci-fi element was that strong compared to some of the others. - NO
The Crew - I wasn't sure about breaking the fourth wall, but actually, why not! Could do with some editing to reduce the volume of text but keep the meaning. That way you could get into the action sooner and help the pace. The Captain was a kind of David Brent in space which was fun - though I've noticed others have also spotted that, so maybe it's too obvious. Still... - MAYBE
Dome Sweet Dome - I like the concept behind this - the dome has the confining properties that can really work for a sitcom - like Porridge. Very nicely laid out too. Easy to read. But I didn't feel the characters stood out very strongly from one another and there were too many sci-fi nods and winks at every corner. I got a bit confused about what had actually happened with the time travel stuff too. I think the dome itself is an interesting setting that wouldn't necessarily need a time travel layer on top. - NO
Event Horizon Crescent - Took a while to get going, but this soapy comedy made me snort out loud a few times. The ending was weak for the whole piece, but I'm guessing that's because it's only the ending of this piece, and not the whole episode. Nice delineation between the characters. - YES
FaceTime - the laptop was a great narrative device and it's easy to see how lots of episodes could come out of it. It was easy to follow, but I didn't really engage with the characters and it didn't tickle my particular funny bone. - NO.
Great Space - some funny moments. Not sure about the fisting gags personally, but I did like that there was hierarchy and that the characters were easy to distinguish from one another. It was an imaginative world. Possibly a bit long because of the formatting, but hey - MAYBE.
Hey Human Get Out of My Wife - I'm afraid I found it difficult to buy into the premise of the script, and though the interaction between the computer and DD had something about it, it never really grabbed me. - NO
King Chicken and the Ning Nings - this had some nice moments and I was pleased that there was actually some definitive forward movement in the plot compared to a lot of the scripts. Felt more like a stage than a radio thing - MAYBE
Men in Brown - I really liked this one. It was daft, funny and pacy. Really liked the chocolate is like space line. - YES
Not From Round Here - the story romps along nicely, and there's something quite Hitchhiker's Guide about it which is no bad thing. Felt it needed a few more gags along the way - MAYBE.
Nova FM - I thought the characters were strong in this one, and it had pathos as well as some funny moments. It was also quite a fresh scenario compared to some of the others - YES
Our Mutual Friend - nice idea to create a kind of well meaning, innocent telepathic Frankenstein sort of character in a sci-fi situation. Unfortunately the characters were a bit lacklustre for me and it didn't make me laugh. Sorry. - NO
The Princess of Darkness - this was quite fun. All the shooting themselves in the foot stuff paid off, but if I'm being extra picky, it's more fantasy than sci-fi so - NO
S.U. - A great idea with lots of potential, though I don't feel that you had enough fun with it. While it's great that all of the characters had flaws, I also didn't really warm to any of them. I didn't buy that Bec would be rooming with Steve and that Rachel couldn't do anything about it. Btw as an aside I also didn't get the Dean reference. We had deans at my university 20 years ago so it's not a recent US import as far as I'm aware. Also deans tend to head up faculties, rather than the whole institute which is the vice-chancellor role. Only a minor detail, but thought it might be worth mentioning for any redrafts. - NO.
Sky Level - The idea of a future taxi service could have potential, but there were hardly any references to what it means to be a sci-fi taxi firm. It was more about the three rather similar people talking about things that were at first mainly modern references, and later rather odd jokes about anuses. The goat thing also became tiresome. Didn't find it funny. - NO
Space Cowgirl - sorry, it didn't really go anywhere for me and didn't tickle me. - NO
Space Vets - a nice idea, focussing on weird creatures and their care or lack thereof. But it was quite expositional overall. - NO
Stanburg - I found this quite difficult to follow. I wasn't entirely sure who they were or what they were doing. It didn't have a hook to grab me or to help me to relate to the characters. - NO.
Starship Impossible - this one's mine. It does have quite a few characters, but I'm happy to be on stage doing some of them if it gets picked as I have some performance experience. - YES
Them and Us - there was a nice rhythm to it, but a bit too much introducing of people and some repetition of information. I enjoyed the swishy whooshy business and on the whole it suggested a kind of Yes Minister with aliens which was interesting. But it didn't quite tickle me enough so - NO
The Time Travels of Dr Choo - I'm pretty sure my wife would actually travel through time for the right shoes. An interesting premise, but short and the characters were interchangeable. - NO.
Time Travel Tours - I thought this had plenty of potential as a series idea - lots of places they could go and lots of nonsense they could see and do. The characters had a hierarchy which was good, though it would be good to dial up their personalities a bit. Fun. - MAYBE
Where No Man Has Gone Before - I think it's a fun idea to play with, one man in a world of women is certainly an idea that sci-fi returns to again and again - but I'm not sure the balance was quite right for me. The characters need some work to make them a little more distinctive too. - NO
Quote: Trinder @ November 16 2012, 9:11 PM GMTWhich one is you?
Ooh I'm HEY HUMAN , GET OUT OF MY WIFE, I'm working on episode 2-NEW JOKE IS A STATE OF MIND.
Gonna do audio version of ep 1 before Christmas
KING CHICKEN AND THE NING NINGS-NO
I appreciate the attempt to play with the form, but this didn't work for me. It was rather too pantomime-like and the jokes rather obvious and route-one.
STARSHIP IMPPOSSIBLE -NO
Some decent lines and the characters were clear. However, they were rather clichéd and the laughs, for me, were few and far between.
BURRAX-MAYBE
This is a really nice conceit, elegantly written, and Burrax is a really good character. Malcolm needs more development, though; and the whole thing rather peters out in the second half, but the writer clearly has skill and with development this has real potential.
A WOMB WITH A VIEW TO A KILL-MAYBE
I really liked a lot of the banter in this, but there was nothing much else to it. The characters are a little interchangeable and the plot not very substantial. But it made me laugh.
TIME TRAVEL TOURS-NO
This really was a one-joke deal and the characters and plotting felt rather hackneyed.
THE TIME TRAVELS OF DR CHOO-NO
An extended sketch at best. The idea was quite interesting but I honestly struggled to follow the execution.
ALICE AND THE GENIE-YES
This was nicely written, and though the H&S/admin in an unusual context shtick is hardly new, this worked well. The characters were distinct and the plot pretty reasonable. But most of all it was funny.
S.U.-NO
Interchangeable characters, no discernible plot and -for me at least - no humour. Sorry.
SPACE COWGIRLS-YES
Really liked the characterisation in this. There seemed real potential for further conflict and there was good dialogue which revealed character, moved the plot on and made me laugh.
Sorry to manage so few reviews, although given the proportion of 'no's maybe that was a good thing.
In general there was far too little Umbongo based humour for my liking. I really do think that's where the really cool comedy kids are going these days...
Quote: telesbrian" date="November 18 2012Hmm, I wonder what the outcome of the vote was...?
I feel rotten keeping you on tenterhooks, but I think it would be really unfair for me to tell you all what the results of today's script reading were, for one main reason - I wasn't there.
What I can tell you is that the four directors of the forthcoming Sci Fi Sitcom Trials Sarit Chen, Louisa Gummer, Nick Ewans and Chris Fitchew, met in London today with a line-up of actors and read through 8 scripts selected through your voting.
The directors and actors then voted - using, I was delighted to hear, the Yes, Maybe and No system by which the online readers had selected the shortlist - giving them the final selection which will make the show.
I've been told the results of the vote, but I am waiting feedback from the team on whether an in-house production will be included as part of the show before I announce the final line-up. And, indeed, if one of the team would rather make the announcement I'd be happy for them to do so (but I'm betting none of them wants to, knowing they could put themselves in the line of fire if any arguments ensue).
So if you can just wait a teensy bit more, the results will be with you all soon.
Kev F
Th good thing about having a script with a load of "nos" is I'm rather relaxed about the results ; )
Quote: blahblah @ November 18 2012, 10:33 PM GMTTh good thing about having a script with a load of "nos" is I'm rather relaxed about the results ; )
Snap, I'm turning my pilot into an audio adventure for soundcloud/youtube and working on episode 2.
Have I missed the adding up of the votes? What were the 8 scripts that were read through yesterday?