Your embarrassing moments...

I had an embarrassing situation at the bank yesterday.

Don't ask me why they were in my pocket during working hours (I'm not sure I know myself) but I managed to pull out not one but two condoms from my pocket which landed on the floor for all the lunchtime crowd to see.

I was first aware of what I'd done because of two giggling female bank staff before a male staff member (coincidentally a Facebook friend) quickly picked up the 'items' and passed them to me to avoid further humiliation.

I was mortified but found it hilarious too. Point is, how can I go back there after that episode? The irony is I'd made an appointment to switch banks literally 5 minutes earlier so I might not have to!

Is this your bank rubbery story?

Quote: Tuumble @ November 9 2012, 3:56 PM GMT

I had an embarrassing situation at the bank yesterday.

Don't ask me why they were in my pocket during working hours (I'm not sure I know myself) but I managed to pull out not one but two condoms from my pocket which landed on the floor for all the lunchtime crowd to see.

I was first aware of what I'd done because of two giggling female bank staff before a male staff member (coincidentally a Facebook friend) quickly picked up the 'items' and passed them to me to avoid further humiliation.

I was mortified but found it hilarious too. Point is, how can I go back there after that episode? The irony is I'd made an appointment to switch banks literally 5 minutes earlier so I might not have to!

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Take in some french ticklers and pass them around

The big question is what will happen when Sky News find out about it?

On Monday I was doing a stand up gig - they don't tell you the running order so you don't know when you're going on. I had a sudden need to use the loo, so at the end of the first set I slipped into the toilets and sat down only to hear my name being called over the PA System. A few more calls, and then suddenly a burst of laughter as the MC opened the toilet door to call my name in front the of the laughing crowd. At least they were supposed to be laughing at me...

Quote: Tuumble @ November 9 2012, 3:56 PM GMT

I had an embarrassing situation at the bank yesterday.

Don't ask me why they were in my pocket during working hours (I'm not sure I know myself) but I managed to pull out not one but two condoms from my pocket which landed on the floor for all the lunchtime crowd to see.

I was first aware of what I'd done because of two giggling female bank staff before a male staff member (coincidentally a Facebook friend) quickly picked up the 'items' and passed them to me to avoid further humiliation.

I was mortified but found it hilarious too. Point is, how can I go back there after that episode? The irony is I'd made an appointment to switch banks literally 5 minutes earlier so I might not have to!

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"Excuse me Sir, we do not accept that kind of deposit."

Quote: Tuumble @ November 9 2012, 3:56 PM GMT

I had an embarrassing situation at the bank yesterday.

Don't ask me why they were in my pocket during working hours (I'm not sure I know myself) but I managed to pull out not one but two condoms from my pocket which landed on the floor for all the lunchtime crowd to see.

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Were they new or used ones ?

Withdrawals ...

Etc

I'm tired

I've had many, many embarrassing moments but the one that's seared into my memory the most is this one:

I was 15. The love of my life was Helen Shackle. Well I say love of my life, she hardly ever spoke to me. But she was beautiful, a talented pianist, quite posh compared to a council rat like me, and I was completely besotted with her. Anyway, one day I heard her humming Duran Duran's 'The Reflex' which was in the charts at the time. So I hatched a plan to get her to notice me. My reasoning was that if she thought I was also a Duranny, then surely she'd instantly fall in love with me and want to play with my knob for all eternity.

Later that day, I saw her in the school dinner queue. Stealthily, I manoeuvred myself into position directly behind her, swallowed my nerves, and started whistling Duran Duran's 'Rio'.

She stopped the conversation she was having with her friend and slowly turned to face me, looking at me with those huge, liquid blue eyes. Time seemed to stand still and I was washed away on a wave of heavenly bliss as our future together flashed before my eyes. The love, the marriage, the constant, constant shagging.

And then she said "Would you mind not whistling please, your breath smells."

In my drinking days, I no longer drink because I liked to drink a lot, I once went out with some mates on Christmas Eve. After the pubs had shut, they shut early in those days, we had agreed to go back to a mates house. Somehow in my drunken state I had lost them. Well I thought I shall walk to my mates house. So in a very thin suit and with shoes that even pissed were killing me I walked for miles to this mates house out in the sticks. The relief when I finally got there was met by a rising panic when I realised the house was empty. No lights on, no one answering the door. Shit I thought the bastards have changed their plans. By this time I am very tired, I know the boy genius thinks, I'll see if they have a shed. Hurrah, they do, so I climb into the very full shed and fall asleep in below zero temperatures. The next day, Christmas day, I awake resting my face on the handle of a garden fork. I push open the door and fall onto the grass with various garden tools etc tumbling after me, freezing, shivering and not looking my best, even in my suit. A woman I have never seen before is by her sink looking out the window whilst peeling vegetables. It turned out they were my mates next door neighbours. They were very nice about it, but I never really lived it down. It took them five hours to thaw me out. Oh dear, happy days.

Quote: Pingl @ November 9 2012, 9:59 PM GMT

In my drinking days, I no longer drink because I liked to drink a lot, I once went out with some mates on Christmas Eve. After the pubs had shut, they shut early in those days, we had agreed to go back to a mates house. Somehow in my drunken state I had lost them. Well I thought I shall walk to my mates house. So in a very thin suit and with shoes that even pissed were killing me I walked for miles to this mates house out in the sticks. The relief when I finally got there was met by a rising panic when I realised the house was empty. No lights on, no one answering the door. Shit I thought the bastards have changed their plans. By this time I am very tired, I know the boy genius thinks, I'll see if they have a shed. Hurrah, they do, so I climb into the very full shed and fall asleep in below zero temperatures. The next day, Christmas day, I awake resting my face on the handle of a garden fork. I push open the door and fall onto the grass with various garden tools etc tumbling after me, freezing, shivering and not looking my best, even in my suit. A woman I have never seen before is by her sink looking out the window whilst peeling vegetables. It turned out they were my mates next door neighbours. They were very nice about it, but I never really lived it down. It took them five hours to thaw me out. Oh dear, happy days.

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'Apart from that Mrs Lincoln, how was the play?'

Quote: Lee Henman @ November 9 2012, 9:30 PM GMT

I've had many, many embarrassing moments but the one that's seared into my memory the most is this one:

I was 15. The love of my life was Helen Shackle. Well I say love of my life, she hardly ever spoke to me. But she was beautiful, a talented pianist, quite posh compared to a council rat like me, and I was completely besotted with her. Anyway, one day I heard her humming Duran Duran's 'The Reflex' which was in the charts at the time. So I hatched a plan to get her to notice me. My reasoning was that if she thought I was also a Duranny, then surely she'd instantly fall in love with me and want to play with my knob for all eternity.

Later that day, I saw her in the school dinner queue. Stealthily, I manoeuvred myself into position directly behind her, swallowed my nerves, and started whistling Duran Duran's 'Rio'.

She stopped the conversation she was having with her friend and slowly turned to face me, looking at me with those huge, liquid blue eyes. Time seemed to stand still and I was washed away on a wave of heavenly bliss as our future together flashed before my eyes. The love, the marriage, the constant, constant shagging.

And then she said "Would you mind not whistling please, your breath smells."

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Bit of a cringe this one.....

Was watching the Red Arrows up North a number of years ago and I commented to a mate I was with that the vapour trail looked like 'the withered hand of a little child'.

'Yeah, like a skeleton' he replied, changing the conversation to the noise from the planes.

I then remembered that 3 months earlier his wife had given birth to a lad with only 2 fingers on each hand. >_<

Oh goddddddd.

I made a joke about a kid getting run over by a bus to my dad, only to remember later his brother got run over by a bus as a child. *massive facepalm*